Cohabitation: How do we rescue our adult children?

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This thread seeks other Catholic parents who can share their experiences, successful or failed, in rescuing their adult children from cohabitation.

My wife and I are practicing Catholics with a combined family of 9 adult children. Cohabitation has become the norm among them notwithstanding their Catholic upbringing.

(By cohabitation I mean sharing bed and board with someone not their sacramental spouse, also known as: “living together”, “shacking-up, “playing house”,’'free marriage”, trial marriage, etc., in at least a semi-permanent living arrangement of fornication or adultery.)

We know that first and foremost is the importance of our prayers and spiritual works for our children, following the example of St. Monica for her son Augustine. In this we are confident, but what else should we be doing and what should we avoid doing, based on your actual experience?

God bless you.

~ Lepanto1071571
 
I think the key word you keep over looking is ADULT. Is it sad that they aren’t living the faith they grew up in? Sure. BUT they are grown and they can choose how they want to live. They aren’t babies, you can’t “rescue” them. Remember when you were their age. Did you want to be rescued by your parents? Probably not.

Pray for them and love them.
 
jinglebelle said:
you made your choice,their life is theirs
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Easier said than done when you know their soul is at stake. Wait till you have grandkids and they start doing the same thing. I go to daily Mass. Every time I think of someone I say, “Jesus I trust In YOU!” and I ask HIM to send them a “Simon” to help them back into their Faith. Generally they won’t listen to the parents and badgering them does not help. Prayers and God Bless, Memaw
 
jinglebelle said:
you made your choice,their life is theirs
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KendraDZ1902 said:
I think the key word you keep over looking is ADULT. Is it sad that they aren’t living the faith they grew up in? Sure. BUT they are grown and they can choose how they want to live. They aren’t babies, you can’t “rescue” them. Remember when you were their age. Did you want to be rescued by your parents? Probably not.

Pray for them and love them.
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Of course parents of adult children are no longer their guardians, and adult children have to make their own decisions, but parents still have an obligation of fraternal (or in this case, maternal/paternal) correction.
 
Lepanto1071571 said:
My wife and I are practicing Catholics with a combined family of 9 adult children. Cohabitation has become the norm among them notwithstanding their Catholic upbringing.

God bless you.

~ Lepanto1071571
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I’d say pray for them fervently with your whole heart, and trust in God. He loves them even more than you do. Secondly, all of us parents need to strive to be faithful to God’s commands in all our actions and words. We must bear witness to the Truth of the gospel and it must transform us. Hopefully, our children will recognize Christ in us and be attracted to emulate our behavior. Thirdly, remember that love is sacrifice. Our children must see that in our closest relationships (family) we must sacrifice our own wills, time, talent, resources and suffer as necessary for the good and love of one another.

I’m assuming that both you and your wife are widowed (or both your first marriages were tried and found to be null by the Church), and were so before your second marriage to each other (“combined family of 9”). If so, the instability of the family dynamic could be at play… The loss of parents can deeply effect children later in life.

If however someone divorced for more common reasons, it should be no surprise that their children may have consciences which are malformed with regard to the issue of the sanctity of marriage and the fact that it is both a holy sacrament and covenant with God.

Look around and see modern societal pressures and norms. The devil is indeed loosed into our culture and world more and more each day. Concupiscence and our society’s willingness to accept or promote sin are a difficult thing for young people to deal with. Without a strong faith, it must be almost impossible to live a chaste life for most.
 
Havard said:
Of course parents of adult children are no longer their guardians, and adult children have to make their own decisions, but parents still have an obligation of fraternal (or in this case, maternal/paternal) correction.
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I think there is a difference between, “Johnny you weren’t raised this way. You were taught better and I cannot approve of this.” And “rescuing” someone sounds as if their partner kidnapped them and holding them hostage. No, Johnny chose to move in with Sally.

Also, if every time you speak with Johnny you hound him about living in sin, Johnny will stop calling. I’m sure the OP has made it clear that they feel that it is wrong. After that, there’s really only prayer.
 
It is good to hear from you Kendra, I hope things are all right. You are absolutely right about this situation. After a parent has made his point, it serves no use to keep hammering at it. When in this situation, I said the same thing “You weren’t raised this way. You know better,” I also asked him how he could do this to his beloved of whose upbringing I didn’t have any knowledge. They were welcome in our house, but we never went to theirs until after they were married. Fortunately they married soon after this situation began. Now I never mention it. Once parents have made their point, prayer is the only possible response.
 
I sure don’t know the answer to this. Parents are caught in a bind. They are expected to love their kids no matter what and accept them for who they are. If they say anything against the kids shacking up, they will be seen as “judgmental,” which is apparently the worst sin of all in today’s culture. They can’t even say ‘shacking up,’ or ‘fornication,’ the terms themselves are considered too judgmental. They are just living together. The wider society does not help. Once, cohabitation carried a social stigma. Now it doesn’t, although it should. The most that a parent can do is ask something like “If you love her, don’t you love her enough to marry her?”
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I think there is a difference between, “Johnny you weren’t raised this way. You were taught better and I cannot approve of this.” And “rescuing” someone sounds as if their partner kidnapped them and holding them hostage. No, Johnny chose to move in with Sally.
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I read it as the OP probably being upset and meant the former, not the latter.
Also, if every time you speak with Johnny you hound him about living in sin, Johnny will stop calling. I’m sure the OP has made it clear that they feel that it is wrong. After that, there’s really only prayer.
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Yes.

As St. Thomas Aquinas put it: “Fraternal correction is a matter of precept, in so far as it is an act of virtue, and it will be a virtuous act in so far as it is proportionate to the end. Consequently whenever it is a hindrance to the end, for instance when a man becomes worse through it, it is longer a vital truth, nor is it a matter precept.”
 
If you’re at the point where kids are co-habitating then all you can do is tell them you don’t approve of it and why…also that you did not raise them this way.

After making this perfectly clear…you pray for them. Let them know you are praying for them too.

Otherwise there is nothing else you can do. If you nag them about it they will probably become annoyed and stop visiting and calling.

I co-habitated with my husband for a couple of years before we got married. Granted, I did it before I was Catholic and within a family that saw absolutely nothing wrong with it…but I did come to the realization that this wasn’t a good idea and was completely ashamed and horrified.

Speaking from experience…if my parents or any other family members voiced their disproval…I can easily say that hearing it once would have been more then enough…anything beyond that would have been nagging and annoying for me to hear and wouldn’t have the same impact anymore.
 
Kelfa28 said:
If you’re at the point where kids are co-habitating then all you can do is tell them you don’t approve of it and why…also that you did not raise them this way.

After making this perfectly clear…you pray for them. Let them know you are praying for them too.

Otherwise there is nothing else you can do. If you nag them about it they will probably become annoyed and stop visiting and calling.

I co-habitated with my husband for a couple of years before we got married. Granted, I did it before I was Catholic and within a family that saw absolutely nothing wrong with it…but I did come to the realization that this wasn’t a good idea and was completely ashamed and horrified.

Speaking from experience…if my parents or any other family members voiced their disproval…I can easily say that hearing it once would have been more then enough…anything beyond that would have been nagging and annoying for me to hear and wouldn’t have the same impact anymore.
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Our situation was basically the same. Looking back, I kind of wish SOMEONE had bothered to say something, at least once. But then again, nobody really found anything wrong with it, and since we were engaged already and had a date set, the attitude was kind of “meh.” (My parents have been kind of helpless about it, really - I was engaged first, but as we go on down the line my siblings have all pushed the envelope further, and now my parents feel like their hands are tied because they already gave their tacit approval to all of the previous situations.)

Saying something once, IMO, may be embarrassing for the kid but at least it says, “I care about you even if you disagree with me.”

And kids DO come back to the Church. Definitely don’t give up on them as lost causes.
 
pensmama87 said:
Our situation was basically the same. Looking back, I kind of wish SOMEONE had bothered to say something, at least once. But then again, nobody really found anything wrong with it, and since we were engaged already and had a date set, the attitude was kind of “meh.” (My parents have been kind of helpless about it, really - I was engaged first, but as we go on down the line my siblings have all pushed the envelope further, and now my parents feel like their hands are tied because they already gave their tacit approval to all of the previous situations.)

Saying something once, IMO, may be embarrassing for the kid but at least it says, “I care about you even if you disagree with me.”

And kids DO come back to the Church. Definitely don’t give up on them as lost causes.
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I really wish someone had said something to us too.
No one did and it was hard to find anyone in either of our families that had an issue.
My parent’s had co-habitated for about 5 years before they got married and they’ve been married for over 30 years.
My husband’s parents never lived together with either of their former spouses or each other (multiple marriages between the two of them) and they’ve both had multiple divorces.
My uncles and aunts either never got married or co-habitated with their finance’s and had long marriages.
My sister co-habitated with her fiancé for years before they got married…pretty much from the beginning of their relationship and they’ve been married for several years now.
It was difficult to find any example, besides research data, on why co-habitation was wrong. I had no examples otherwise.

It was strange for us because we spent a majority of the co-habitating time separate anyway. He was deployed for 8 months and then I was deployed for 6 months. So we only lived together consistently during the 10 or so months we were engaged.
At that point we were both looking to come back/join the Church and stopped the seriously sinful aspects of our co-habitation…at that point it was too late and I was pregnant anyway…🤷

The only silver-lining in that mess, for both of us, is neither of us co-habitated with anyone else.
I know that couples who do co-habitate have a higher rate of relationship troubles and are far more likely to co-habitate with multiple people and this will further degrade the overall sanctity of marriage.

I know it’s wrong and I know why it’s wrong. It’s just very tough when there aren’t any real-life examples of failed relationships/marriages among your family and friends.
I don’t buy the whole one-size-fits-all argument that your relationship/marriage WILL fail if you live together before you are married.
Just as I don’t buy the argument that married couples that use birth control are using each other for sexual gratification and not because they truly love and care for each other…the same way couple’s who don’t use birth control express love.
It’s still wrong to co-habitate and use birth control and there are very good and valid reasons not to…but people still have loving and lasting marriages despite all of this.

And you are right…kids DO come back. It happens. Especially when they start families of their own and realize the importance of their faith and their religion.
 
Kelfa28 said:
I really wish someone had said something to us too.
No one did and it was hard to find anyone in either of our families that had an issue.
My parent’s had co-habitated for about 5 years before they got married and they’ve been married for over 30 years.
My husband’s parents never lived together with either of their former spouses or each other (multiple marriages between the two of them) and they’ve both had multiple divorces.
My uncles and aunts either never got married or co-habitated with their finance’s and had long marriages.
My sister co-habitated with her fiancé for years before they got married…pretty much from the beginning of their relationship and they’ve been married for several years now.
It was difficult to find any example, besides research data, on why co-habitation was wrong. I had no examples otherwise.

It was strange for us because we spent a majority of the co-habitating time separate anyway. He was deployed for 8 months and then I was deployed for 6 months. So we only lived together consistently during the 10 or so months we were engaged.
At that point we were both looking to come back/join the Church and stopped the seriously sinful aspects of our co-habitation…at that point it was too late and I was pregnant anyway…🤷

The only silver-lining in that mess, for both of us, is neither of us co-habitated with anyone else.
I know that couples who do co-habitate have a higher rate of relationship troubles and are far more likely to co-habitate with multiple people and this will further degrade the overall sanctity of marriage.

I know it’s wrong and I know why it’s wrong. It’s just very tough when there aren’t any real-life examples of failed relationships/marriages among your family and friends.
I don’t buy the whole one-size-fits-all argument that your relationship/marriage WILL fail if you live together before you are married.
Just as I don’t buy the argument that married couples that use birth control are using each other for sexual gratification and not because they truly love and care for each other…the same way couple’s who don’t use birth control express love.
It’s still wrong to co-habitate and use birth control and there are very good and valid reasons not to…but people still have loving and lasting marriages despite all of this.

And you are right…kids DO come back. It happens. Especially when they start families of their own and realize the importance of their faith and their religion.
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I used to be much more up on the social science on cohabitation, but as I recall:
  1. Cohabitating doesn’t help people avoid divorce.
  2. A cohabitation is very similar in effect to a marriage–namely the more cohabitations or marriages you have, the less likely that your next marriage will be successful. So cohabitation really does not live up to the hype of being a risk-free trial.
  3. People who cohabitate with their fiances and then marry that same person seem to do OK with regard to risk of divorce.
I’m a big fan of Dear Wendy, the online advice forum and community, and I’ve found it very, very interesting to discover that the largely secular and largely professional women there often have a rule of no moving in without an actual engagement and a date. The conventional wisdom there is that it’s a lousy idea to move in without an agreed-upon plan, as all too often the live-in partners turn out to have profoundly different ideas of where the relationship is going.

Oh, and to the OP–a number of your cohabitating children will eventually marry. That is pretty much guaranteed.
 
All of my children have co-habitated, and I’m sure have had sexual relationships with everyone they have seriously dated since becoming adults. It is a heartache for me. I am the only parent telling them it is wrong. My husband doesn’t like to make waves, which has ended up with a good parent/bad parent situation. I don’t know what to do about it. All you can do is pray, but I can tell you that my fear of them not going to heaven is enough to make me very depressed and anxious. I don’t nag them about it, but have told them where the church stands on this and I’m concerned about their spiritual lives. We treat them no differently, and make sure to tell them they are loved. Two of my kids are now also agnostic. Going off to college ended their church going, meeting and befriending atheists has seemed to nail that coffin shut. I know God can do anything, and I’m counting on Him, but losing hope, it has been over a decade for the oldest.

As if this isn’t bad enough, we have some people at our church who say it is some sin of ours that caused this to happen. (They also think anyone who has a chronic illness has some sin they haven’t stopped). These are the pillars of the parish saying this!

In all honesty, both of these things happening has really shaken my faith, because I did all the right things when they were young. We prayed at home, went to church, involved in church activities, and lived like Christians. They weren’t kept away from the rest of the world, they were involved in other aspects of community other than church and went to public school, and had hobbies. I’m all ears if anyone has any advice.
 
coco2 said:
All of my children have co-habitated, and I’m sure have had sexual relationships with everyone they have seriously dated since becoming adults. It is a heartache for me. I am the only parent telling them it is wrong. My husband doesn’t like to make waves, which has ended up with a good parent/bad parent situation. I don’t know what to do about it. All you can do is pray, but I can tell you that my fear of them not going to heaven is enough to make me very depressed and anxious. I don’t nag them about it, but have told them where the church stands on this and I’m concerned about their spiritual lives. We treat them no differently, and make sure to tell them they are loved. Two of my kids are now also agnostic. Going off to college ended their church going, meeting and befriending atheists has seemed to nail that coffin shut. I know God can do anything, and I’m counting on Him, but losing hope, it has been over a decade for the oldest.

As if this isn’t bad enough, we have some people at our church who say it is some sin of ours that caused this to happen. (They also think anyone who has a chronic illness has some sin they haven’t stopped). These are the pillars of the parish saying this!

In all honesty, both of these things happening has really shaken my faith, because I did all the right things when they were young. We prayed at home, went to church, involved in church activities, and lived like Christians. They weren’t kept away from the rest of the world, they were involved in other aspects of community other than church and went to public school, and had hobbies. I’m all ears if anyone has any advice.
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It’s not over yet.
 
coco2 said:
All of my children have co-habitated, and I’m sure have had sexual relationships with everyone they have seriously dated since becoming adults. It is a heartache for me. I am the only parent telling them it is wrong. My husband doesn’t like to make waves, which has ended up with a good parent/bad parent situation. I don’t know what to do about it. All you can do is pray, but I can tell you that my fear of them not going to heaven is enough to make me very depressed and anxious. I don’t nag them about it, but have told them where the church stands on this and I’m concerned about their spiritual lives. We treat them no differently, and make sure to tell them they are loved. Two of my kids are now also agnostic. Going off to college ended their church going, meeting and befriending atheists has seemed to nail that coffin shut. I know God can do anything, and I’m counting on Him, but losing hope, it has been over a decade for the oldest.

As if this isn’t bad enough, we have some people at our church who say it is some sin of ours that caused this to happen. (They also think anyone who has a chronic illness has some sin they haven’t stopped). These are the pillars of the parish saying this!

In all honesty, both of these things happening has really shaken my faith, because I did all the right things when they were young. We prayed at home, went to church, involved in church activities, and lived like Christians. They weren’t kept away from the rest of the world, they were involved in other aspects of community other than church and went to public school, and had hobbies. I’m all ears if anyone has any advice.
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I can feel your pain in your post.
If there are people in your church who say it’s some sin of yours, well shame on them. I know a few ‘pillars’ like that who are involved with many church activities and they disrupt the peace by their gossip about things that are none of their business. They are not the ‘building up’ types but tearing down types. Don’t flatter them by calling them pillars, they are wrecking balls doing harm to the faithful. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Since the pill became widely available, many people have gotten into sexual relationships because it’s so easy. That’s the tide we are all swimming in. Who can resist it, especially when you’re 18 in this culture? Of course Church will fall to the side. I’m surprised when anyone 18 to 35 is still in the Church. Our Blessed Mother said to pray for the conversion and sinners and peace in this world when she came to Fatima in 1917. Unite your prayers and sacrifices every morning for this intention. You are standing with the angels and saints when you do and that’s what we are called to do. May your children (and all of those baptised as babies and left for the world) come back and soon.

On the 10th anniversary of the death of John Paul 2, pray for us!
 
I once heard a speaker who said much the same thing. He and his wife lived their Catholic faith seriously and thought they raised their children to be strong Catholics. When they were grown, they all fell away from the faith in one form or another. He asked a priest what to do and the priest told him to focus on living a virtuous life and instilling the same in his adult children. He claimed it worked like magic, and within a couple of years all of his children were back in the Catholic Church.
Yes, they should know you think what they are doing is wrong, but focus mainly on living a virtuous life. Do the corporate works of mercy, keep your house clean and proper, always smile and be cheerful, take pride in your work and doing a good job at everything, invite them to do works of charity with you. Let them see how a virtuous life works.

Who knows? Maybe it will work for you,.
 
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