Cohabitation, it isn't fair!

[salieri2121]

Hello, everyone. I just need some support in my life and hope to get it here.
I live alone and I’ve been engaged for 5 years, no joke! She lives with her parents all that time.
Every time we try to get married something comes up! “She needs to finish school! She needs a job! We’re broke! My brother needs surgery!” Something always comes up! She loves me no doubt, she’d marry me tomorrow if she had to, but she wants that BIG wedding!
She and I are young, okay I understand the wait to a degree. I am just so lonely!

I get so upset at my cousins for having live in girlfriends! They live together and even have kids out of wedlock! One cousin even lives at home with his parents AND his girlfriend! I play by the rules and get WHAT? I understand I’m doing the right thing but sometimes I get so angry at my fiancee for being such a “good girl”! She’s 24, I’m 28. She just wont live with me until we marry. Her parents are strict Catholics. It’s not fair!:crying:

Marriage right now is not going to happen for personal reasons, I wont explain…
I am just tired of the situation. Why is cohabitation such a bad thing? My cousins get along fine with their girlfriends. My family actually thinks I AM crazy for waiting until marriage!
I love her and I will wait for as long as it takes, but doing the right thing is very heartbreaking…

God bless…

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m sorry you’re lonely right now. But living together before marriage, cheapens things a bit. Even if you agree to not have sex until marriage, it still puts you both into a near occasion of sin, where you can easily be tempted to having sex before marriage. I won’t press you for reasons, but 5 years is a while. Are you both saving for a big wedding is that it? Or are her parents paying?

I think that while it is difficult to wait, you will be thankful you did. Your friends/cousins who are living with their girlfriends are cheapening the relationship by doing so, really. They are not you. Don’t worry about what others are doing, only follow God. Are you Catholic?

 

[IrishAm]

It seems when responsible adults are meant to be married, they get married. Neither of you is that young. Perhaps you are at the point where a decision really does have to be made and you either get married or go your separate ways.

I don’t think this is really about cohabitation versus marriage. It is about getting married or not. :console:

 

[chevalier]

Cohabitation is not the bad thing.

The bad thing is premarital sex. Any consensual sex with anyone other that spouse is wrong.

Cohabitation is at most occasion to it. And scandal.

This does not mean it’s fine to move in and ignore scandal or occasion. But let’s set the record straight: the evil comes from premarital sex.

As for having children out of wedlock, is that worse than contracepting? Is premarital sex less bad if children don’t come out of it? And the poor kids aren’t guilty of anything anyway.

At any rate, premarital sex is not an option. As for long engagements, they aren’t always great. People can get bored with an engagement while they would be able to start a marriage for life. But if you want to marry and marry soon, you need to understand that it is only the beginning of a new way, not the final stage of a relationship. Life only starts after marriage. You need to realise this before you marry. And impatience is not a friend of steady lifelong commitments. While deciding, you also need to have some cool head - if possible. Just don’t suppress your feelings. And don’t let sex drive fool you.

 

[whatevergirl]

It seems when responsible adults are meant to be married, they get married. Neither of you is that young. Perhaps you are at the point where a decision really does have to be made and you either get married or go your separate ways.

I don’t think this is really about cohabitation versus marriage. It is about getting married or not. :console:

Good point, I’m sensing that, too.

 

[terrysa]

Just a suggestion: Why don’t you have a quiet wedding, then have a big celebration and invite all the family later on?

 

[Leonius]

5 years is ridiculous, I suggest you stop wasting your time and find a woman who is ready to be married, such a long engagement is a huge temptation to sin as your question here today shows.

 

[OLHope]

Why don’t you go over to her home more often? Then it is not so bad, I mean if you will be family, then they won’t mind having you over so much. Also, seems like you could try taking a heavy initiative bringing over invitation themes and contact lists and agendas to map out the hall the church the place for pictures, and she might get all excited, I mean if she is all about the planning, then hold back on your ideas and let her go to town, just to make her interested and happy (as long as you know it would not backfire in any way).

The fiancée’s that have made it to our home are always welcome anytime of the day, he’d even get a key, a hot dinner waiting for him, we are very Catholic, too, but just as so hospitable as well. They are not dumb to break off the relationship because why leave when you “have it made.” [Im bragging]

I feel bad for you, its like you want to begin your life together and hurry things long, but 4-5 years is a long time, I wonder, too why all of these things that come up seem to trump your to-be marriage. Do you think she wants to be ultra organized and prepared for this, maybe? Think about what you would think if she was your daughter, she is doing the right thing by everyone’s concern.
Alas, another one of my stories:

Twin friends got married about five years ago; they were in Pre-Cana class with about 70 other catholic couples. Half of these couples were cohabitating. Even though this is wrong, the Catholic Church cannot excommunicate these couples for a great loss. Some of these couples are in bad circumstances and they rely in the having to support each other earlier than planned. For instance, about three years ago a couple had confided in their priest that it was the best situation for them because the bride could not afford to live on her own and her mother was abusive. The pastor convinced it was for safety, understood and counseled them in their, ahem, behavior, temptation, and tolerances until the nuptials. I haven’t a clue how he delivered it, but they remained standoffish until told to do so. I was amazed that self-control could surface again.

The TV show “Friends,” advocates the same behaviors that many popular culture Americans and now Europeans buy into, Monica and Chandler were friends first (yes, I can understand keeping a good memory of someone from your past), they fooled around (I cannot relate), they fell in love (I cannot relate), Chandler moved in (I cannot relate), they get engaged for the second time, Monica proposes (I cannot relate), they marry (I cannot relate), they try to conceive (they are unable, haven’t done the research to know if I could)[again bragging], they meet a troubled pregnant teen, befriend her, and adopt her twins.

This goes against so much Catholic law, but today’s youth is nervous about divorce, too, that they try to figure it all out to where they are smarter, thereby avoiding the inevitable. I told my pastor that I can understand the moving in only for purposes of becoming used to the new behaviors, because money, bad habits, and awkward outbursts are some the situations that do put pressure on a relationship in general, but as always, people are drawn to the direct way of life for a couple who cohabitate and are alone together, with only each other, the bedroom, at night, dark, and well, assumptions are made.

Like some people said it’s the issue of getting married right now, set a date, stick to it, hurry in going to Pre Cana, set everything in stone, it is a bit long to wait. The other issue is your lonliness, her family should be allowing you to come be over more often. Otherwise, I don’t know what to say. Wanted to leave in some humorous points to keep this light since there is assurance on your part that she is stabilized with your relationship together. I will pray for your frustration in all of this, I am glad that you are reassured that she is stable in your commitment to each other, otherwise I would really be upset*.

All the best to you and God Bless your future!*

 

[ac_claire]

It seems when responsible adults are meant to be married, they get married. Neither of you is that young. Perhaps you are at the point where a decision really does have to be made and you either get married or go your separate ways.

I don’t think this is really about cohabitation versus marriage. It is about getting married or not. :console:

I’ll second (or third? lol) this piece of advice. Right on the money IMO.

 

[kage_ar]

Your profile says you are Catholic. You know what is right and are trying to live it.

It sounds as if the time has come to sit down, the two of you with your Priest and discuss if you are going to get married or not.

 

[noclevername]

I am a little bit confused by your post. At first you say Every time we try to get married something comes up!. Then you say Marriage right now is not going to happen for personal reasons, I wont explain…

Please forgive me if I am wrong but it really sounds like to me that you are the one who is afraid of making the commitment. It sounds like you don’t want to live alone anymore but you don’t want to take those lifelong vows. I am sure you love your GF and that she loves you too but I can sense some fear or uncertainty or something. And i sense it coming from you, not her. (but I don’t know either of you, this is just based on what you have written here) And I applaud your GF for not living with you. As others have said it really cheapens the entire relationship.

Also, I have to agree with others that five years is a really long time. Younger people tend to have longer engagements that older people but five years is kind of pushing it. Again, this is another reason I wonder about your ability to commit.

Also, I am 37 years old. I was previously married. I have been dating a wonderful man (who was also previously married) for over two years and we love each other very much and we will be married within the year. However, I just signed another year’s lease on my apartment because he and I will not live together before we are married. Having to pay a little extra to break my lease after he and I are married will make me feel better than I would feel living with him and helps the two of us have a clear conscious. And at my age, people are so surprised that he and I aren’t living together. Having been married before, neither of us are virgins, he and I would save a ton of money, it would be nice to have a person with me every night, etc. But I have looked into my crystal ball and I know that the short time of living with a man outside of marriage would make me feel terrible for years and years. It’s not worth it. I am happy with what he and I have decided.

 

[kevinsgirl]

5 years is pushing it. You guys need to sit down and decide whether or not to get married and set a date. If that can’t happen, maybe you aren’t meant to be together.

Oh, and DH and I got married when I was 22 and I’m 24 now…I’ve never felt I was too young.

 

[EspositoJoe]

If you want to co-habitate but your fiancee does not, it sounds like you either don’t understand or have chosen not to live your Catholic faith to the degree that she is. Sexual relations prior to marriage is a mortal sin – don’t jeopardize your eternal soul just to ease your loneliness!

Your cousins are living in sin. You should be proud you are not doing what they are! If living in obedience of Christ’s teachings is not your first concern, you may wish to reconsider being engaged to a Catholic girl. Even if you are married, this source of conflict between you and she will only a bigger and bigger problem over the years.

In Christ,

EspositoJoe

 

[salieri2121]

Thanks for the advice.
Doing the right thing can be very frustrating sometimes!
I just wish my family would understand that I AM doing the right thing, they aren’t Christians, I really don’t know what they are. A lot of people today don’t have any Christian base but still have a Christmas tree.

 

[Deacon_Ed_B]

Just some advice from what some call an old man.

1. No premarital sex. It is wrong and is a mortal sin.
2. If the two of you really wanted to get married, you would have been married by now. Waiting 5 years because you want a “big wedding” tells me there is more to it than just that.
3. The two of you need to sit down and discuss what it is that is holding you back. One of you, and I don’t know which one, has a hang up. It is better to bring it out now than to have it surface after you say “I do.”
4. Do not envy those who live in sin. To quote scripture,“The wages of sin is death” Life is too fragile to make such a gamble.

 

[Island_Oak]

…I live alone and I’ve been engaged for 5 years, no joke! …Every time we try to get married something comes up! “She needs to finish school! She needs a job! We’re broke! My brother needs surgery!” Something always comes up! She loves me no doubt, she’d marry me tomorrow if she had to, but she wants that BIG wedding!
She and I are young, okay I understand the wait to a degree…

Marriage right now is not going to happen for personal reasons, I wont explain…

It seems when responsible adults are meant to be married, they get married. Neither of you is that young. Perhaps you are at the point where a decision really does have to be made and you either get married or go your separate ways.

I don’t think this is really about cohabitation versus marriage. It is about getting married or not. :console:

I’ll agree with those who don’t find much logic in your post. You are old enough to be married. IF both want to be married and are frustrated with a long engagement, get going on the marriage already.

I don’t know if you two are playing games with each other or volleying for control, but you need to set a date or call off the engagement. It’s really as simple as that.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

It seems when responsible adults are meant to be married, they get married. Neither of you is that young. Perhaps you are at the point where a decision really does have to be made and you either get married or go your separate ways.

I don’t think this is really about cohabitation versus marriage. It is about getting married or not. :console:

It sounds as if the time has come to sit down, the two of you with your Priest and discuss if you are going to get married or not.

Just some advice from what some call an old man.
Do not envy those who live in sin. To quote scripture,“The wages of sin is death” Life is too fragile to make such a gamble.

I don’t know if you two are playing games with each other or volleying for control, but you need to set a date or call off the engagement. It’s really as simple as that.

I have to agree with all of the above. When we got engaged we set the date for 1 year away since I was in my last semester in college and thought maybe I would need time after college to plan a nice wedding. When I was talking with my mom she suggested 6 months, and dh and I decided to go with that, but it wasn’t until we were waiting for the 6 months to pass that we realized the wisdom in my mom’s advice for us, and we were soo happy we listened and changed to 6 months! Those were the longest 6 months of my life! You know what, I just realized I got engaged 5 years ago (well 5 years, 1.5 months ago). I cannot imagine my husband and I still waiting to get married. We have been married a little over 4.5 years now, I can’t remember life without him . I definitely think you two need to talk. Have you gone through marriage preparation? I agree with the last suggestion, I would set a date (not years away) or call off the engagement.

 

[lostandconfused]

I feel for you. Thats a not fun situation. Five years? Thats pushing it hardcore. Engagements should really only last a year, 2 years if youre really pushing it. Whats the point of being engaged if youre not actually going to get married?

I am absolutely against moving in together before marriage. I feel like that will completely ruin the whole point of getting married then, it will cheapen it, as someone said previously. And it is considered sinful. I’m not going to say that would be a nail in the coffin, but I dont want to see you compromise the sacred joy of marriage because you were confused about if you were meant to be but you moved in together anyway.

Stick to your guns, youre being really faithful to your religion, dont compromise your beliefs, and seriously? 5 year engagement? I dont know you or your situation, but please, really examine whats going on here, and pray on it. Maybe its not happening for a reason.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Podo2005]

Sorry this is off topic but I feel I must say something

Forgive me but it really irritates me when people try to make a list of mortal sins.

Pre marital sex is not a mortal sin, it is a GRAVE sin which has the POTENTIAL to be mortal.Mortal sin requires three things 1) Complete Knowledge, 2) You willingly choose to do the wrong action 3) Grave Sin. Since you ( as an objective 3rd party) only know that it is a grave sin you can only label it as a grave sin. You do not know that the person has complete knowledge and you do not know his heart therefore you cannot label any grave sin as a mortal sin.

But back on topic… I agree with what most people have said that you should talk about getting married soon with your gf. 5 years of engagement is far too long.

 

[Deacon_Ed_B]

**Pre marital sex is not a mortal sin, it is a GRAVE sin which has the POTENTIAL to be mortal.**Mortal sin requires three things 1) Complete Knowledge, 2) You willingly choose to do the wrong action 3) Grave Sin. Since you ( as an objective 3rd party) only know that it is a grave sin you can only label it as a grave sin. You do not know that the person has complete knowledge and you do not know his heart therefore you cannot label any grave sin as a mortal sin.

**
BOLDING - MINE**

Pre marital sex is mortal sin. Yes, mortal sin is grave sin. The conditions still have to apply

1. It must be grave matter. You must know it is grave matter. 3 You do it = Mortal sin.
   Grave sin and mortal sin are synonymous.

From the context of his post he knows that premarital sex is Mortal sin. Do not try to split hairs. The consequences are too grave.