Cohabitation -- my current situation

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zabbazooey

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Here comes a long post…

OK so my boyfriend and I have seen each other on and off for about 5 years. I feel awful because he was married at the time. He has been divorced for 3 years.

Two years ago, I moved 400 miles away to go to college. We got back together in December of 08, he proposed, and I moved in 3 weeks ago. We are going to Las Vegas Wednesday, we are not getting married.

I converted to Catholicism when I was 16, I’ve been Catholic for almost 5 years. Not a very good Catholic, mind you. He is also Catholic, but in name only. My family is not religious, with the exception of my aunt who is a non denominational Christian.

He has two daughters, one from his marriage, one out of wedlock. I have no kids. My family (excluding my father) does not approve of our relationship, not because they don’t approve of us living together, they just don’t like him.

My life living here feels so empty, I feel like there’s something missing. I hem and haw and become “really Catholic” for a while (seed thrown on rocky grounds, sprouts quickly but soon dies from lack of nourishment) and then it becomes ‘too hard’

I’ve become extremely materialistic. I’m about 6k in credit card debt, and also have student loans.

I can’t move out/break up with him. I have no money, no job, I’ve got a dog. I have nowhere to go. My mom lives in Minnesota and my dad is best friends with my boyfriend, which would make things extremely awkward. One of my aunts is not talking to me because she hates my boyfriend so much.

I’m currently on birth control. I know this might be TMI but we don’t have sex much anymore because I just feel horrible afterwards.

Whew. That was a lot. Any advice???
 
Can your Dad help you get an apartment and groceries untill you find work?Try to find work to get your own apartment.Jesus loves you and will help you.Nothing in this world is worth trading your soul for.Life is a lot less complicated if we do what is right.I’ll be praying for you,Rocky.
 
Rocky, I agree with you.
Zabbazooey please listen to him.
I’ll be praying for you too.
 
Thanks for your replies!

The situation is tough because neither my mom or dad have any financial resources to help me. I’d like to try to move out when I have money and get a job, because I know this isn’t right, but I don’t want to feel like I am using someone either. I do care for him, I just feel like I am losing my soul over this.
 
Hi ZZooey,
Welcome. 🙂 I see this is your first post here.

I feel for your situation. Although I’m older now (about twice your age), I remember well when I was a college student. In my opinion, you should put on the brakes and not rush into the marriage. And you must deal with the question of why your fiance divorced his first wife. Many people marry hastily and they end up divorcing pretty soon, when they are young. This is because they are immature and not ready to assume the serious responsibilities and life-time commitment of a marriage. Was this the case with your fiance’s first marriage? You should both go to marriage preparation program in your diocese (church), go and talk to your priest about your situation and your plans. If your fiance was married in the Catholic Church before, he should also seek a declaration of nullity of his first marriage. That will highlight what was wrong in his first marriage. Did they understand what were they getting into, when they married? Maybe his first marriage is actually a valid marriage in God’s eyes, the Church can determine that, and if it is a valid marriage, you can’t really marry your fiance because in God’s eyes he is bound, irrevocably and for a lifetime, to his first wife (even if he is divorced in civil court). Although it’s possible his first marriage may not have been valid (“sacramental”) in God’s eyes b/c he as a Catholic married without the approval of the Catholic Church (“lack of form”), or the spouse(s) lacked a proper psychological maturity and understanding of marriage, etc. You see, you need to deal with your fiance’s previous marriage and get properly prepared for your new marriage with your fiance. It all starts with a visit to your parish priest, and the whole process will take about a full year. This may seem like much time to you, but marriage is a VERY serious business and cannot be rushed. I’m not a cook, but as far as I remember, cooking a Thanksgiving turkey can take hours and hours. If you try to rush it and remove it before it’s fully cooked, your turkey will be unpalatable and you may even end up suffering a food poisoning. Same thing with the marriage - it takes time to prepare for a happy and lasting marriage.

So, start with this one: call your parish priest and make an appointment with him.

Regarding sex, God’s laws are somehow just written on our hearts. We feel it and know it, deep inside, that sex is meant for marriage. I guess that’s why you felt horrible, because you felt that your actions were wrong and harmful to yourself. Refrain from sex, and you will feel better.

Are you a college student right now? What’s your financial situation, who is supporting you? Oh, I see Rocky and Trishie’s posts and your reply. Yes, it would be better if you could move out. Living under one roof and staying chaste may be next to impossible.
 
Hi Zabbazooey,

I’d just like to share with you that I have been in a very similar situation. Although I care about my faith and am also a convert, it seems (or has, in the past) that men are an ‘achilles heel’ for me. I was involved in a relationship that was sexual on and off and even ‘unofficially’ lived with this boyfriend, and I never had a moment’s peace during that time. I was lucky enough to meet by chance some very good Catholics who kind of ‘took me under their wing’; they never got on my case about the relationship but after going to confession more frequently, praying the Rosary etc I realised what a barrier it was between me and God and somewhere found the strength to end it (not without a few wobbles though).

Like me you’re a convert and that is such a precious gift, I’d hate to see you throw it away for this man, however much you care about him. Regardless of anything else, you need to get some space from him, i.e. stop living together. Living together, having a sexual relationship - all of that is basically killing your spiritual life and cutting you off from real grace, happiness, and peace (that’s the nature of serious sins of this kind)…

It’s difficult that your finances are also less than healthy. With all that debt, maybe you could get in touch with a Church organisation that helps people with their finances? It’s a lot to deal with on your own and I think you need to make a plan. The materialism you talk about is very likely all part of the same issue, your way of ‘filling up’ that hole inside you…but if you let it carry on you’re going to be in such a mess. Get help to take control, and make moving into your own place, say, in two months, part of the plan (by the way… what’s with going to Las Vegas? If you’re in that much debt I really wouldn’t be spending a whole lot of money on going there).

My advice is, go to confession about the overspending and the sex thing… Make sure you find a really good priest. Tell him you’re doing everything you can to move out from your boyfriend as soon as you financially can, and to live chastely, otherwise he can’t absolve you. This doesn’t mean you will live perfect chastity but do your best with it. Confession once a month, even once a fortnight will give you so much more strength. And just taking 5 - 10 minutes a day to pray.

Don’t worry about being the ‘stony ground’ in the parable; God may be speaking to you through that story, trying to nudge you in the right direction but I promise you can change… the fact is that you want to and that is the main thing. To God, we’re all like children, we’re all very weak - and that’s ok. Just ask Jesus to help you. It will be ok. God wants you to be so happy so don’t settle for less!!

Also, as previous posters have said, your boyfriend may well still be married in the eyes of God; in fact as things stand, if he’s made no move to try and get an annulment, he definitely is still married. You need to sort that out before even thinking about getting married… but to be honest, if your family dislike him so much and he was a married man when he met you, I would strongly caution against making a commitment to him. I find it hard to believe this man could be the one God has in mind for you.
I’ll be praying for you Zabbazooey!
 
The other thing I would ask you to think seriously about is stopping the Pill. Just flush them away!

The thing about the Pill that makes it worse than other forms of contraception, is that one of the ways it works is by preventing implantation once fertilisation has occured (if it fails to prevent ovulation) - basically, an early abortion. You have no way of knowing whether this is going on inside you but by being on the Pill, you’re risking it happening. The other thing is that you’re filling your body with artificial hormones, disrupting your own natural processes and fertility. You may find it difficult to stop all the other stuff but coming off the Pill should be within your capabilities (not that I’m recommending you get pregnant by this man!!)…

Anyway, I think I’ve written enough now :o
Good luck Zabbazooey! 👍
 
His ex wife started the process of annulment recently – he just hasn’t gotten around to filling out the papers yet. They got married when she was 18, he was 23. There were some mental health issues on both sides – there is a chance it would be absolved by the Church.

We booked the trip to Vegas a few months ago. Our finances are in sorry shape, and we don’t have a whole lot of money to spend there. We’re just going to relax. We were planning on getting married on the 20th. I have the ring, the dress, the reservations, parents have booked trips – I backed out this week. It was so embarrassing to tell my parents that after they paid for their trips and such. I’m 21, and I am not ready for marriage. I thank God I realized that before we got married. 😦 Funny thing is, I’m not even really all that excited about going to Las Vegas. I should be but I’m not. I guess if I was going with friends maybe I would be?

My boyfriend is very intuitive. I’ve been sleeping on the couch a lot of the time. I can’t get to sleep, truthfully, a lot of the time. He sensed that I thought he didn’t make me happy. I just feel awful because we’ve gone this route before, without me moving in. My dad has told him it would make him extremely angry if I was “just playing games” and he would see my “true colors” if I left my boyfriend. My dad is fiercely loyal to him – they are best friends.

I’m still looking for a job. I have a few applications out that I need to send in. Honestly, I’ve been a little lazy. I could move back to Minnesota to live with mom, but my dog (a 50lb Boxer rescue) does not get along well with other dogs and she has two of them. I know a dog is not the reason but I’m trying to avoid getting rid of her.

I don’t know how to approach it. He helps me out financially and if I tell him that this isn’t right I don’t want to be kicked out with nowhere to go. I think I love him.

I’m going to call my parish priest tomorrow to make an appointment. Thanks for your kind words and advice 🙂

Rachel
 
I agree with you about the birth control – it’s a huge cross to bear I’ve tried to quit taking it so many times but then I just start taking again. It’s hard to trust God’s Will!
 
zabbazooey said:
I agree with you about the birth control – it’s a huge cross to bear I’ve tried to quit taking it so many times but then I just start taking again. It’s hard to trust God’s Will!
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I understand, but do try again…🙂 Just get rid of them!

I’m not saying this is right either, but at least if you’re using barrier methods you’re not playing Russian Roulette with the life of your child (if that makes sense). Try to focus on being chaste but if that seems impossible for now, at least switch to barrier methods and try to arrange moving out at which point the not having sex will become a lot more possible.

By the way, here’s something you might want to have a look at:

chastity.com/chastity/index.php?id=7&entryid=22

It might help to go through and ask yourself these questions; really think hard about it. I know that for me, doing this quiz helped focus my mind a lot about whether this was really the love I was looking for. Let’s face it, your boyfriend cheated on his wife to be with you - a very bad sign; he’s also got two children by two different women! Don’t become the third!

You’re still so young Rachel - I’m guessing 21, so a year or so younger than me? You probably still have maturing to do and a lot of great things ahead of you, so try not to let this relationship get in the way of that. And you were so young when the two of you got together… sixteen, I mean that’s practically a baby!

It seems as if this guy is all you’ve known, relationship-wise, at least for the past five years so maybe it’s hard for you to recognise the problems for what they are - you’ve got nothing better to compare it to. Do you think that might be a fair comment? It sounds as if your dad, perhaps, hasn’t given you the best role model of what to look for either. The two of them being best friends, your dad saying that about you… it sounds like a pretty odd situation. Anyway, your dad can still be friends with him regardless of the decisions you make.

I’m happy to hear you’re not getting married in Vegas. Congratulations on your wise decision!🙂 I think you should at least put wedding plans on hold, make sure that he’s truly free to be married, and do some serious thinking about the whole thing. And while you’re there… stay away from any ‘viva las vegas’-style ‘chapels’!!:o And that wheel of fortune!!:o

Your dog sounds lovely - boxers are great aren’t they?🙂 However I have to say… it sounds to me like this isn’t the best time in your life to have the responsibility of a dog. They’re pretty expensive too, aren’t they? Moving in with your mum really sounds like the best idea, also financially as you wouldn’t have as many living costs… not sure what to suggest re the dog as you’re probably very attached to her, but maybe try to introduce her carefully to the other two?

The other option is to find him a good family to look after her. Are there any that you know personally, perhaps near to your mum, so if they kept the dog you could still see her, take her for walks? There are also boxer rescue charities who could find her a good home; she’s a pedigree dog so I’d imagine she would easily find somewhere. I know that would be sad 😦 but if it’s the dog keeping you in this unhealthy situation, it might be the best solution. You could always get a dog in the future, when you’re settled with kids etc… boxers make good family pets!👍

Obviously all this is up to you and I’m sure it will be tough, but I hope you will make good decisions… God will give you the strength you need! Just pray - oh, and that’s great about the appointment with your priest!!👍
 
Thank you again!! This is definitely a confusing time for me. I will be praying for you guys!
 
HI zabba;

I’m sorry you’re in this situation…it’s tough, no doubt. But, there are some things you can do in your present dilemma, while you are living with him.
  1. Live like brother and sister–NO SEX
  2. He needs to have an annulment before you marry him, or continue with him past a brother/sister relationship or he is simply not free to marry
  3. Get a good job, and start paying off your debt, and planning a way to get out on your own–NEVER STAY WITH SOMEONE OUT OF MONEY REASONS…NEVER MARRY SOMEONE SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB
  4. All this being said, I’d postpone any ‘engagement.’ Your bf is not free to marry until he gets a decree of nullity. And you and he can’t predict if that will even happen, so until then, best to put everything on hold, and get your own financial affairs in order
Many marriages fail when they start off as living arrangements, because often, people just feel obligated, pressured, scared…etc…to marry the person he/she is living with–that is not a reason to marry. You might love one another, but until he gets his marriage annuled, you would be best to live like brother and sister. He might not like that–oh well. He needs to take care of his situation from his past, before pursuing another wife. It will be tough at first, there will be days you want to give in…but trust me, you will be more at peace by following the Lord any day, than following what is easy. Forgive me for being blunt here, he doesn’t sound like someone you should marry anyways, but that’s a topic for another thread! :o Lots of unresolved baggage, kids with different moms…not a good situation for you to enter into–my opinion.

Good luck and you’re in my prayers!!
 
A wise person once told me “if he did it with you, he will do it too you”. The first red flag is this man cheated on his wife with you.

Find a way, get creative, and move out. You can’t think clearly while living the way you are living.

Priest is the first visit.

Many many prayers for you!!
 
Just an update.

I moved out Wednesday under very unpleasant circumstances. I did have to give my dog to the humane society, but oh well. I was waking up angry and depressed every day and it wasn’t worth it. My soul wasn’t worth it either 🙂

I am living with my mom 400 miles away from the ex which is a very good thing. I am going to go to confession and Mass this weekend, and have started praying again.

This is so painful to go through, but I know it’s what is right.

Thank you all for your advice 👍
 
zabbazooey said:
Just an update.

I moved out Wednesday under very unpleasant circumstances. I did have to give my dog to the humane society, but oh well. I was waking up angry and depressed every day and it wasn’t worth it. My soul wasn’t worth it either 🙂

I am living with my mom 400 miles away from the ex which is a very good thing. I am going to go to confession and Mass this weekend, and have started praying again.

This is so painful to go through, but I know it’s what is right.

Thank you all for your advice 👍
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Hello again.I’m sorry about your dog.I know this is a diificult time.Do talk to your Priest,Go to Confession so you can be Healed.I will keep you in my prayers.May the Peace of Jesus flood your soul…P.S. I will also pray for your dog.Rocky.
 
I am happy to hear that you have moved out. It will make things so much easier for you. I am so sorry about your dog. I know that had to hurt bad. I know leaving had to hurt as well as make things confusing. Try to focus and push away the confusion and hurt and see that You did the right thing. For what its worth everyone here is proud of you and behind you with our prayers.
 
…I moved out Wednesday under very unpleasant circumstances. I did have to give my dog to the humane society, but oh well. I was waking up angry and depressed every day and it wasn’t worth it. My soul wasn’t worth it either 🙂

I am living with my mom 400 miles away from the ex which is a very good thing. I am going to go to confession and Mass this weekend, and have started praying again.

This is so painful to go through, but I know it’s what is right.

Thank you all for your advice 👍
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GOOD FOR YOU!!! This may be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but you are very brave to realize that you needed to get out of the mess you were in order to think clearly and reassess which direction you want your life to take.

It seemed to me the last thing either you or your boyfriend were ready for was marriage. You don’t want to start off sliding into marriage on a banana peel, heading for almost certain problems. Get yourself stable–a job, your own apartment, some savings, supportive friends, return to the practice of your faith. I guarantee you will feel so much better about yourself and will have more to offer another person. Consider dating after you give yourself several months. Start gradually–no serious boyfriends or sexual intimacy. Start thinking of the qualities you want in a husband with whom you will spend your life. Don’t settle until you find a man who possesses these qualities.

Listen to your family–if they are like most they care about you and your welfare more than anyone else on earth. They can’t chose a path or partner for you, but if they verbalize concerns, at least listen and consider what they are saying.

Best wishes. This will be a long process and at times a painful one. But…what project is more important than making sure your own life is on track and that you are moving forward on a wise and well considered path?!
 
blue_skies said:
The other thing I would ask you to think seriously about is stopping the Pill. Just flush them away!

The thing about the Pill that makes it worse than other forms of contraception, is that one of the ways it works is by preventing implantation once fertilisation has occured (if it fails to prevent ovulation) - basically, an early abortion. You have no way of knowing whether this is going on inside you but by being on the Pill, you’re risking it happening. The other thing is that you’re filling your body with artificial hormones, disrupting your own natural processes and fertility. You may find it difficult to stop all the other stuff but coming off the Pill should be within your capabilities (not that I’m recommending you get pregnant by this man!!)…
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After reading about the harm to the environment that birth control pills do and the high levels of pharmaceuticals in our water supplies - and that includes birth control pills - I would think twice about flushing them down the toilet. These chemicals remain in our water supply.
 
Wow that sounds great. I hope you are doing ok? Keep us updated. Your situation really didn’t sound right and by moving back with your mom for awhile, you should clear your head and get a start on a new life, the way you want to live it and not to live it for a guy.

You might just find yourself in a new and wonderful situation and life, and look back at smile at your decision. God has been guiding you since you were young. Converting at 16 is just amazing. I was 19 myself and I just can’t even imagine being 16.

I made some stupid decisions when I was in my early 20’s and I lived with my fiance before we got married and didn’t discuss birth control in marriage and things like that ( he isn’t Catholic ) and I regret some of that even though we are still married and he is a great guy. Our situation wasn’t exactly like yours and I was older, but my point is that before you get married, you really need to think about how life as a married Catholic couple. Will you live out God’s will?

Because you are so young, and you will probably marry someone else and not this guy, look for a Catholic man who will help you live our your Catholic life. Pray about it.

We are praying for you!!
zabbazooey said:
Just an update.

I moved out Wednesday under very unpleasant circumstances. I did have to give my dog to the humane society, but oh well. I was waking up angry and depressed every day and it wasn’t worth it. My soul wasn’t worth it either 🙂

I am living with my mom 400 miles away from the ex which is a very good thing. I am going to go to confession and Mass this weekend, and have started praying again.

This is so painful to go through, but I know it’s what is right.

Thank you all for your advice 👍
Click to expand...
 
zabbazooey said:
Just an update.

I moved out Wednesday under very unpleasant circumstances. I did have to give my dog to the humane society, but oh well. I was waking up angry and depressed every day and it wasn’t worth it. My soul wasn’t worth it either 🙂

I am living with my mom 400 miles away from the ex which is a very good thing. I am going to go to confession and Mass this weekend, and have started praying again.

This is so painful to go through, but I know it’s what is right.

Thank you all for your advice 👍
Click to expand...
I’m sorry you’re hurting, that will take some time…but so excited to see that you moved on, and are heading in the right direction with all of this! Praise be to God…thanks for the update.🙂
 
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