Cohabitation: Okay In Exceptional Circumstance?

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Ukelala91

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Hey folks! So here’s my situation. I intend to talk it through with a priest/spiritual director, but in the meantime, I thought I’d ask my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for advice.

I come from an abusive home: mostly emotionally, but on a couple occasions, physically. I’m in my mid-twenties, but was living at home as I prayerfully discerned marriage. I am now dating the man I will-- God willing-- marry, as soon as possible. I also lived at home because I didn’t have the money to afford rent in an expensive part of the country, nor to leave my good Catholic job and move out of state!

I was kicked out by my parents and am currently living with my boyfriend. We have separate bedrooms but do have to share a bathroom (not at the same time, obviously). We are both very faithful Catholics and adhere to chastity closely. It’s difficult, and sometimes we find ourselves in Confession for overstepping a line, but we are abstaining from sexual activity until marriage, and have kept that vow.

It looks like us living together is the only feasible option financially. I cannot afford my own rent, and I don’t have any close female friends who live on their own whom I can stay with on a charity-basis. Going home is not an option any more; I will love my family and keep as close to them as is healthy, but it’s not safe or good for me to live there anymore. My question is: can my boyfriend and i avoid scandal? Can we keep our situation quiet until our upcoming engagement and marriage? (Which will happen as soon as we’ve saved a little more) Is there any time when cohabitation, in a crazy circumstance like this, is okay?

EDIT: other comments asked why I cannot move in with a friend or someone I met through craigslist. It’s important to note that my budget allows me about $150 extra that I could put towards rent. I expect this amount to increase as I advance in my career, and I have savings for my future marriage, but I really cannot afford rent.
What I REALLY need advice about is how to avoid scandal.

Thanks and God Bless!
 
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Your circumstance isn’t all that exceptional. Many people are forced out of their home…and quite frankly, you’re in your mid 20’s. You’re not 17. You have options.

The best remedy would be for you to each find a roommate of the same gender or rent a room in someone’s home.

There are town message boards, craigslist, coworkers, house sites and even asking your parish priest. In your mid 20’s it’s totally reasonable for your parents to not want you to live with them. You’re an adult. You don’t have to be besties with your roommates.

The problem with this situation is you feel that your life allows you to make an exception. But you’re not a teen who can’t rent on their own. You are a grown adult. Your situation, quite frankly, is not “crazy” at all.
 
Don’t rely on strangers from the internet to guide your spiritual and moral life.
 
I understand how you might get the impression that I have options, but as I explained-- I cannot afford my own rent. My budget allows for groceries, commuting, saving a little bit for myself, and my massive student loans: that’s it. I expect a raise soon, but not soon enough to afford rent yet. My boyfriend has no loans, and thus can afford to shoulder the housing budget. I can’t think of anyone besides a significant other who would be comfortable with such an arrangement, and I don’t know of anyone who would say “sure, come live with us for $150 a month.”
Perhaps clarifying this explains why I’m in a difficult spot. I don’t believe in making moral exceptions.
 
Just asking advice for other perspectives, especially on how to avoid scandal.
 
You’re still trying to justify your situation as unusual. The fact is that most people in their 20’s are burdened by student loans, have terrible low-paying jobs and are unable to live with family. You are not special in that way.

Right now, you’re in “love” and feel like he’s taking care of you. The thing is you’re now in a relationship with a terrible power imbalance. Not only that, but you’re literally walking into the situation where you could be abused. (Stats don’t work in your favor) It’s also verging on co-dependent behavior.

You have made a moral exception.

There are many things you can do besides living with your boyfriend. Spending a bit and having your loans looked at by a financial advisor and getting IBR or consolidating them could free up some more cash. Using books like “eat on a food stamp budget” can also ensure you are fed.

Again, you’re an adult, not a child. You need to figure out how to adhere to your own morals.
 
Ukelala91 said:
career, and I have savings for my future marriage, but I really
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I personally see nothing sinful to concern yourself with… you may be living in the same house, but you are not engaging in any acts that are proper to marriage. For those who say living in the same house is sinful, I’m interested in understanding why you believe so…

With that said, you are on the right track when you say you will talk to your priest about it.

I wish you all the best and encourage you to continue to live what sounds like a very good, christian lifestyle.
 
godisgood77 said:
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Ukelala91:
career, and I have savings for my future marriage, but I really
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I personally see nothing sinful to concern yourself with… you may be living in the same house, but you are not engaging in any acts that are proper to marriage. For those who say living in the same house is sinful, I’m interested in understanding why you believe so…

With that said, you are on the right track when you say you will talk to your priest about it.

I wish you all the best and encourage you to continue to live what sounds like a very good, christian lifestyle.
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The OP indicated that not engaging in improper acts has been a challenge. Given that there is a severe power imbalance with the income, the situation is not very good.
 
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Ukelala91 said:
Hey folks! So here’s my situation. I intend to talk it through with a priest/spiritual director, but in the meantime, I thought I’d ask my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for advice.
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i wouldn’t ask this kind of question here unless you are a strong person. the greater than thou will eat you alive. more importantly someone may give you bad advice that you act on which may stop you from seeing the priest. i would delete the thread and see the priest.
 
Thank you! God bless you too! I know we are not “living in sin” but I read so much about how even sharing a house can be seen as sinful.
 
Xanthippe said:
The OP indicated that not engaging in improper acts has been a challenge. Given that there is a severe power imbalance with the income, the situation is not very good.
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Yes, but she and he have honored the vow of chastity… fact is that it is challenging regardless of whether you’re under the same roof or not.

I agree with some of the others… the best way to avoid scandal is to avoid broadcasting that you are sharing a house.
 
Ukelala91 said:
Thanks! I thought that was the best option. Seeing as we will be engaged soon (God willing), this situation is temporary. I thought avoiding talking about it would be the best idea, and maybe telling trusted friends who know us really well-- if they find out-- that we are committed to chastity. If they know us well enough, they will believe us.
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Unless by a friend, you mean priest or someone who will affirm your morals that have you questioning this situation, all you’re going to get is the answer you want…affirmation for something you aren’t truly comfortable with.
 
Chastity is a challenge for most (if not all) committed Catholic couples. I’m being honest about that. A spiritual director once told me that if chastity was “easy” there was probably something wrong-- we SHOULD want to be sexually intimate with our future spouses, but we can recognize to control those desires.
 
godisgood77 said:
Xanthippe:
The OP indicated that not engaging in improper acts has been a challenge. Given that there is a severe power imbalance with the income, the situation is not very good.
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Yes, but she and he have honored the vow of chastity… fact is that it is challenging regardless of whether you’re under the same roof or not.

I agree with some of the others… the best way to avoid scandal is to avoid broadcasting that you are sharing a house.
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YEahhhhhhhh. Private vows totally work out.

Not. Really.

Chastity is far more than “crossing that line” and the OP admitted that lines have been crossed. So…based on years of experience in hearing these situations…it won’t end up nicely.
 
I want to remind you that this situation is temporary. I know he plans to propose soon-- he has told me this, but wants to keep the exact timing secret.
A previous comment you said “in love” in quotes as if I am making this up. Yes right now there is a power imbalance-- he pays for housing-- but I stress again, it’s temporary.
You’d be hard pressed to find a faithful Catholic couple who hadn’t accidentally made out for a little too long and “got too excited.” Did you want me to put it that bluntly?
I don’t see why you need to keep belaboring the same point. I was seeking advice on avoiding scandal, and I think you’ve made your point clear enough already, thanks very much.
 
Ukelala91 said:
I want to remind you that this situation is temporary. I know he plans to propose soon-- he has told me this, but wants to keep the exact timing secret.
A previous comment you said “in love” in quotes as if I am making this up. Yes right now there is a power imbalance-- he pays for housing-- but I stress again, it’s temporary.
You’d be hard pressed to find a faithful Catholic couple who hadn’t accidentally made out for a little too long and “got too excited.” Did you want me to put it that bluntly?
I don’t see why you need to keep belaboring the same point. I was seeking advice on avoiding scandal, and I think you’ve made your point clear enough already, thanks very much.
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I put “in love” in quotes because love does not force one to go against their morals.

Engagement still means a power imbalance. I’m not even speaking to the need to avoid scandal. I’m speaking to the psychological and long-term consequences of cohabitation that have been found by many research studies. Engagement should be a mutual decision the fact you’re still waiting isn’t a good thing.

Of course, many couples have pushed the boundaries–but they each have their own homes to go to. You do not have your own place. Right now he “respects” the fact you have your own room, but again, your situation is not unique. And stats don’t bode well for you.

You keep wanting to justify something that you truly don’t feel comfortable with…because if you did you wouldn’t have asked. Not only that, but having come from an abusive background your normal meter IS broken. There’s no way around that.
 
Why are you so quick to not believe what the OP is saying? I think it is a bit offensive for you to make assumptions about OPs based on what previous other posters have said and not on what she is saying.

P.S. Their struggle would be there whether they lived together or not.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Why are you so quick to not believe what the OP is saying? I think it is a bit offensive for you to make assumptions about OPs based on what previous other posters have said and not on what she is saying.

P.S. Their struggle would be there whether they lived together or not.
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Let’s review the facts:

The OP is in her mid 20’s
The OP comes from an abusive background
The OP feels she has no other choice because she can’t return to her parent’s home (Desperation)
The OP is overwhelmed with financial decisions that could likely be better handled
The OP isn’t 100% comfortable with the situation
The OP lives in a severe power imbalance
The OP is having trouble keeping her vow of chastity

We’ve seen this a million times here over the past couple of decades. What usually happens is that boundaries are pushed, marriage is rushed, pregnancy happens (not necessarily in that order) and then an abusive situation unfolds.

I believe everything. What I know is that the op has all the classic markings of a co-dependant relationship.

I don’t know that one person ever came back and let us know that it worked out hunky-dory. Most came back and ended really badly. And Stats aren’t in the OP’s favor, especially with her background.
 
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To avoid scandal, perhaps, as a previous poster said, you should not tell others a lot about your living situation. People who know that you live together will wonder, and they may jump to conclusions. There is not much you can do about that. If they ask about you living together, you could tell them you have separate bedrooms and leave it at that; sometimes more explaining results in less convincing.

To get married in simple fashion does not require a lot of money. My parents had a Catholic church wedding with the priest, the two witnesses, probably a few local friends, and maybe a few parishioners as well. A wedding can be simple, really.
 
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