Cohabitation Research

[Bubba_Switzler]

This “Dear Mona” article throws a lot of caveats into the subject of cohabitation implying that research to date has been crude.

fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/does-living-together-before-marriage-increase-the-risk-of-divorce/

Does anyone have any good sources that better answer the issues raised here?

 

[EasterJoy]

Suffice it to say that you can tell anyone who believes that living together before marriage improves their chances of a durable marriage that they are wrong. It is not just that will they be a bit more likely to go through a divorce if they do marry. It is that they are likely to live together and then have to go through a split without ever marrying. Civil marriage laws are meant to accomplish equity when such a split happens. When you live together, that equity is accomplished only via whatever good will remains between you when you split up. When you live together and are not married, it is easier to rationalize infidelity.

Having said that, while it is sometimes possible to talk people out of vices via science and a cost-benefit analysis, when you have accomplished that you still have people acting out of self-interest, rather than acting in order to accomplish love of God and neighbor. You have implied that life choices are not based on a moral code, but that self-interest is the highest priority. Encouraging that mindset is problematic.

When I have been asked to help a secular friend explain to her boyfriend why marriage was worth it, I pointed out that civil marriage also enforces your choice of a spouse on society. It is a way of taking care of your spouse by knitting them to you and forcing others to recognize your spouse and your spouse’s needs as a priority that is binding on you. For instance, it gives access to insurance benefits and government benefits. People who want to hire you will recognize that you have to concern yourself with finding your spouse a job in an area into which they want to move you. This is why homosexuals want access to marriage. They want the status and advantages that go with the institution. They want to force society to honor their decision to choose each other. If your partner does not want to give that to you and you don’t want to give that to them, or if either of you is so interested in having one foot securely out the door that you don’t want to give up your escape route in order to provide that for each other, it is worth asking why you’re sharing something as intimate as sex with someone who is still obviously stuck in the self-interest at the expense of the couple. That is how self-love sees, not how love sees.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Does anyone have any good sources that better answer the issues raised here?

It’s a complex muddy topic. Personally I don’t think it is the act of cohabitation that affects the marriage but the other traits that come with those who do vs those who don’t. I genuinely wonder if social pressure to discourage it would even help since it is probably other factors at play.

nationalmarriageproject.org/

If you have tons of time to kill or want to do a bunch of research before popping the question go to that link and read the report “why knot”. There is some data and attempts to control for certain factors in there. But it is a long long report.

And yes, I did read this among other stuff before I popped the big question.

 

[Bubba_Switzler]

It’s a complex muddy topic. Personally I don’t think it is the act of cohabitation that affects the marriage but the other traits that come with those who do vs those who don’t. I genuinely wonder if social pressure to discourage it would even help since it is probably other factors at play.

nationalmarriageproject.org/

If you have tons of time to kill or want to do a bunch of research before popping the question go to that link and read the report “why knot”. There is some data and attempts to control for certain factors in there. But it is a long long report.

And yes, I did read this among other stuff before I popped the big question.

Thanks for that pointer, I will investigate.

I am concerned about someone who is being pressured into this by her boyfriend.

 

[Bubba_Switzler]

When I have been asked to help a secular friend explain to her boyfriend why marriage was worth it, I pointed out that civil marriage also enforces your choice of a spouse on society.

Marraige doesn’t seem the be the issue. Rather, there is this notion that cohabitation is a good step toward marriage. Given how old that argument is I can’t believe that the research is as bad as the “Dear Mona” article implies.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Marraige doesn’t seem the be the issue. Rather, there is this notion that cohabitation is a good step toward marriage. Given how old that argument is I can’t believe that the research is as bad as the “Dear Mona” article implies.

Well, … I think the complicating factor is that cohabitation has an argument for and against it similar to premarital sex. When you live with someone there are a number of things you learn about them and yourself and need to decide if this is something you can deal with for life. On the other hand, if the relationship needs to break up it is harder because so much is intertwined.

 

[Bubba_Switzler]

Is this the “why not” report?

osv.com/TheChurch/Article/TabId/563/ArtMID/13751/ArticleID/6190/Marriage-Why-knot.aspx

It refers to this report called “Knot Yet”:
nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/KnotYet-FinalForWeb.pdf

Two that I found on the the national marriage project that seemed most relevant:

Should we live together, and
Before “I Do”

Well, … I think the complicating factor is that cohabitation has an argument for and against it similar to premarital sex. When you live with someone there are a number of things you learn about them and yourself and need to decide if this is something you can deal with for life. On the other hand, if the relationship needs to break up it is harder because so much is intertwined.

Yes, that is a big part of the problem. And if you can easily unintertwine what have you learned, really, but how to avoid commitment. It’s a much more complicated subject than premarital sex which is problematic enough alone.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I think that’s it, the 2nd link to the pdf. But it is long and covers the broader topic of delayed marriage.

There’s a lot of stuff there, some that’s probably closer to your op than my initial suggestion.

 

[rotlex]

As in everything, this is fully dependent upon the people involved. I hate the statistics that are tied to these things as if failure is inevitable. (Not saying all say that).

My wife and I are a perfect example of how things can work, even if they worked the “wrong way”. Just last week we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and God willing, we will celebrate our 50th with even more joy.

We lived together two years before getting married. Yes, we were young, barley 18 and 20 at the time, and did it for a number of reasons, not the least of which revolved around wanting to make sure things were right, how it would be, etc. etc. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t really know. All I know is we turned out fine, happy, and are still in the process of raising our wonderful children.

With that said. Do I think it is the right thing to do now? No. I realize why it’s considered wrong by many, and don’t know if I would ever want my children to do it that way. In the end though, I cannot deny that it worked for us. Sure, it would have worked having not lived together first, however, we did, and things were and are fine in the end.

 

[thewanderer]

As in everything, this is fully dependent upon the people involved. I hate the statistics that are tied to these things as if failure is inevitable. (Not saying all say that).

My wife and I are a perfect example of how things can work, even if they worked the “wrong way”. Just last week we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and God willing, we will celebrate our 50th with even more joy.

We lived together two years before getting married. Yes, we were young, barley 18 and 20 at the time, and did it for a number of reasons, not the least of which revolved around wanting to make sure things were right, how it would be, etc. etc. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t really know. All I know is we turned out fine, happy, and are still in the process of raising our wonderful children.

With that said. Do I think it is the right thing to do now? No. I realize why it’s considered wrong by many, and don’t know if I would ever want my children to do it that way. In the end though, I cannot deny that it worked for us. Sure, it would have worked having not lived together first, however, we did, and things were and are fine in the end.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I truly think it is wonderful that everything worked out well for you and your wife, but this is like saying that just because you knew someone who smoked 5 packs a day and died of old age at 94 you don’t trust the statistics that smoking is bad for your health. Of course there will always be success stories, the statistics don’t mean that everyone who lives together before marriage will have a failed marriage, but it does mean they are at greater risk for it.

 

[rotlex]

Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I truly think it is wonderful that everything worked out well for you and your wife, but this is like saying that just because you knew someone who smoked 5 packs a day and died of old age at 94 you don’t trust the statistics that smoking is bad for your health. Of course there will always be success stories, the statistics don’t mean that everyone who lives together before marriage will have a failed marriage, but it does mean they are at greater risk for it.

Agreed, 100%, but with that said, the temperature on these forums always seems to lead toward the gloom and doom for any situation that is not 100% approved by the Church.

In all honesty, most all the people I grew up with lived together before marriage. (No, I am not trying to be condusive to that way of doing things). However, the fact remains, that 9 out of 10 of them are still together and celebrating 20, 25 and farther anniversaries. Heck, my own wife’s parents are a perfect example at 50+ years of marriage while first living out of wedlock. My own parents? Never lived together, followed all the rules, and divorced when I was 10. Go figure.