Cohabitation without sex -- sin or not?

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My boyfriend and I are debating whether cohabitation is still a sin if you’re not having sex.

The only reason we could think of that it would be is that it might be considered scandal. But there is no particular reason anyone should assume you’re having sex just because you share an apartment with someone. And honestly, wouldn’t assuming someone is sinning without giving them the benefit of the doubt be a sin in itself?

It seems to me like scandal in the sense of “I do something and as a result someone else jumps to false conclusions that could, theoretically, if they’re impressionable, contribute to them sinning down the road” isn’t really a sin any more than you’d be sinning by setting your phone down on a table in public (which might then, possibly, invite someone else to steal it, maybe.)

I interpret scandal as something more direct – like handing an alcoholic a shot or driving a violently angry person over to their ex’s house or something.

Thoughts?
 
Another issue besides scandal is the increased temptation to sexual sin. Putting yourself and your boyfriend is putting the both of you in a constant occasion of sin. Putting yourself in a constant occasion of mortal sin is exceedingly dangerous. And it would take someone exceptionally strong to resist the temptation that living together would bring. I am not an authority on sin however, so it may actually be more sinful than just knowingly putting yourself into constant temptation.
 
I have known a short cohabitation to work for two different engaged couples, but I don’t think I can recommend it.
  1. It gives a bad example. Everybody assumes you’re having sex.
  2. It fails to give a good example.
  3. You’re not even engaged yet. Let your relationship breathe and develop a little, free from arguments over household trivia.
  4. It endangers your ability to freely marry. If all your stuff is all mixed up with all their stuff and you’ve bought expensive pieces of furniture or household equipment together, then how free are you to pack your bags and leave?
 
Only the two of you know your hearts. Just be honest with yourselves.

Peace,
Ed
 
I like Xantippe’s reason #2… In this day and age, we need MORE good examples. It would be a silent form of Christian witness to not live together until marriage, even despite the lack of sex.
 
i kind of agree with you. people shouldn’t pass judgment without knowing you but it’s inevitable that they will. also it is temptation for you in a way. and besides, in this day in age, it’s hard enough for 2 female roommates to live together or two males. people start assuming they’re in homosexual relationships let alone a heterosexual couple.
 
By the way, even the secular advice on cohabitation is that couples should not move in without a wedding date or agreement that there isn’t going to be one. Breaking that rule leads to a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I’m not saying you should get engaged, but that cohabitation is much more dangerous for non-engaged couples.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
My boyfriend and I are debating whether cohabitation is still a sin if you’re not having sex.

The only reason we could think of that it would be is that it might be considered scandal. But there is no particular reason anyone should assume you’re having sex just because you share an apartment with someone. And honestly, wouldn’t assuming someone is sinning without giving them the benefit of the doubt be a sin in itself?

It seems to me like scandal in the sense of “I do something and as a result someone else jumps to false conclusions that could, theoretically, if they’re impressionable, contribute to them sinning down the road” isn’t really a sin any more than you’d be sinning by setting your phone down on a table in public (which might then, possibly, invite someone else to steal it, maybe.)

I interpret scandal as something more direct – like handing an alcoholic a shot or driving a violently angry person over to their ex’s house or something.

Thoughts?
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Umm… Cohabitation is defined as “the act of living together and having a sexual relationship (especially without being married)”
 
What are younger brothers and sisters to think if you move in with your boyfriend? If you say, “Well we aren’t having sex”, they would roll their eyes. You are giving scandal, and scripture says it is better to have a millstone tied to your neck and thrown into the ocean than to scandalize a little one. If that doesn’t frighten you, it should.

It weakens the resolve of others to live honorably and chastely, according to their state in life.

St. Paul says he will not eat meat offered to idols if it causes his brothers and sisters to sin. That is what love does, it looks out for the other, and encourages them to be faithful to God in a society that screams to do otherwise.

It puts both of you in a constant occasion of sin. If you want to sin, it’s up to you (and up to me as well) but to put your boyfriend into a situation of temptation is the opposite of love.

When you are dating, it’s a time to think soberly, and to pray constantly, to decide if your boyfriend is the man you should marry. Today’s society says that you should live with each other first, see if you are compatible. That is not how God designed courtship and married life. Personally I’ve seen many couples live together, just settle into a relationship, and later on get divorced. If they had not lived together, it would have been much easier to call the relationship off and move on. God requires us to keep a certain respectable distance during courtship, one that honors the other person. Only until you both come before family and friends, and God, to state your intention to marry for life, should you even consider living together, and having sex. Sex is indeed natural, and it makes babies, and God is very concerned for the welfare of young ladies and babies, that men don’t run off and abandon them. Young ladies and their babies, abandoned by their men, have been with us since forever, and more so with the availability of contraception. Stop and learn from the mistakes of others, and make a smart choice for yourself today.

When you are a young single person, you have an opportunity to love God and neighbor by being a model of chastity and modesty. This is how we show God that we love Him, by we are making our will come in line with His will for our lives. This is how we grab on to our identity as a son and daughter of God, and we bring down graces upon us, our families, and the world when we walk as we should. This is who we are, a Temple of the Living God. What an awesome privilege it is! May you come to a greater awareness of who you really are today. God bless and guide you to all righteousness!
 
PennyinCanada said:
What are younger brothers and sisters to think if you move in with your boyfriend? If you say, “Well we aren’t having sex”, they would roll their eyes. You are giving scandal, and scripture says it is better to have a millstone tied to your neck and thrown into the ocean than to scandalize a little one. If that doesn’t frighten you, it should.

It weakens the resolve of others to live honorably and chastely, according to their state in life.

St. Paul says he will not eat meat offered to idols if it causes his brothers and sisters to sin. That is what love does, it looks out for the other, and encourages them to be faithful to God in a society that screams to do otherwise.

It puts both of you in a constant occasion of sin. If you want to sin, it’s up to you (and up to me as well) but to put your boyfriend into a situation of temptation is the opposite of love.

When you are dating, it’s a time to think soberly, and to pray constantly, to decide if your boyfriend is the man you should marry. Today’s society says that you should live with each other first, see if you are compatible. That is not how God designed courtship and married life. Personally I’ve seen many couples live together, just settle into a relationship, and later on get divorced. If they had not lived together, it would have been much easier to call the relationship off and move on. God requires us to keep a certain respectable distance during courtship, one that honors the other person. Only until you both come before family and friends, and God, to state your intention to marry for life, should you even consider living together, and having sex. Sex is indeed natural, and it makes babies, and God is very concerned for the welfare of young ladies and babies, that men don’t run off and abandon them. Young ladies and their babies, abandoned by their men, have been with us since forever, and more so with the availability of contraception. Stop and learn from the mistakes of others, and make a smart choice for yourself today.

When you are a young single person, you have an opportunity to love God and neighbor by being a model of chastity and modesty. This is how we show God that we love Him, by we are making our will come in line with His will for our lives. This is how we grab on to our identity as a son and daughter of God, and we bring down graces upon us, our families, and the world when we walk as we should. This is who we are, a Temple of the Living God. What an awesome privilege it is! May you come to a greater awareness of who you really are today. God bless and guide you to all righteousness!
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;)Very good advice, IMHO
 
It’s a bad idea.
Girls tend to want marriage. Guys tend to want sex. Girls tend to get pregnant. Guys tend to change their minds.
Girls tend to end up in a bad position, especially in states where common law marriage does not exist.
If you two are equally yoked, and he’s a decent guy, he will understand waiting, and will not pressure you.
Guys say alot of things, just to get what they want. Talk is cheap. What do his actions really say???
He will probably by happy if you live together. You will probably feel used and strung along.
Many abusive relationships begin with cohabitation. Then the girl feels stuck, and the guy finally asks her to marry him because he figures she’ll leave… things get all twisted and messed up.
I know, it’s more expensive to maintain two households. But it’s sooooo much healthier emotionally. And less tempting.
Guys are hunters, they tend to get what they want. If he really wanted marriage, you would already be engaged. What he wants is sex… that’s why he’s trying to plan cohabitation more earnestly than he’s trying to plan marriage.
Most guys are deceptive. Darling. Charming. and Deceptive.

I want to spare you years of pain.
I want you to have a wonderful life, a wonderful marriage, and a wonderful marriage starts with a wonderful start.
Cohabitation, and “playing house” with or without sex, is not wonderful… it’s a path toward pain. anger. disagreements. and frustrations.

People will gossip. They will assume you are having sex even if you manage not to. Your guy will not be able to not, unless he is gay. He will get angry if you don’t let him… that’s just the way testosterone works.

If you love him, and care about his spirituality, you would not tempt him by being in the same house day after day… it’s like telling a child not to eat candy that is right in front of him…

Statistically, most people who live together before getting married don’t stay married.
Take this time while living apart to learn about NFP, as it fosters communication, most couples who use NFP stay together.

Be miserable and poor short term, so you can both be happier long term. 👍
 
GenosFutureWife said:
It’s a bad idea.
Girls tend to want marriage. Guys tend to want sex. Girls tend to get pregnant. Guys tend to change their minds.
Girls tend to end up in a bad position, especially in states where common law marriage does not exist.
If you two are equally yoked, and he’s a decent guy, he will understand waiting, and will not pressure you.
Guys say alot of things, just to get what they want. Talk is cheap. What do his actions really say???
He will probably by happy if you live together. You will probably feel used and strung along.
Many abusive relationships begin with cohabitation. Then the girl feels stuck, and the guy finally asks her to marry him because he figures she’ll leave… things get all twisted and messed up.
I know, it’s more expensive to maintain two households. But it’s sooooo much healthier emotionally. And less tempting.
Guys are hunters, they tend to get what they want. If he really wanted marriage, you would already be engaged. What he wants is sex… that’s why he’s trying to plan cohabitation more earnestly than he’s trying to plan marriage.
Most guys are deceptive. Darling. Charming. and Deceptive.

I want to spare you years of pain.
I want you to have a wonderful life, a wonderful marriage, and a wonderful marriage starts with a wonderful start.
Cohabitation, and “playing house” with or without sex, is not wonderful… it’s a path toward pain. anger. disagreements. and frustrations.

People will gossip. They will assume you are having sex even if you manage not to. Your guy will not be able to not, unless he is gay. He will get angry if you don’t let him… that’s just the way testosterone works.

If you love him, and care about his spirituality, you would not tempt him by being in the same house day after day… it’s like telling a child not to eat candy that is right in front of him…

Statistically, most people who live together before getting married don’t stay married.
Take this time while living apart to learn about NFP, as it fosters communication, most couples who use NFP stay together.

Be miserable and poor short term, so you can both be happier long term. 👍
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Standing :clapping:
 
My understanding is that cohabitation is sinful, partially because it is scandalous by nature. The only exception I’ve heard of is if the couple does so
(1) without having sex until marriage,
(2) having a definite plan to marry, and
(3) suffering from severe economic hardship (like third-world starving levels of poverty).

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
My boyfriend and I are debating whether cohabitation is still a sin if you’re not having sex.

The only reason we could think of that it would be is that it might be considered scandal. But there is no particular reason anyone should assume you’re having sex just because you share an apartment with someone. And honestly, wouldn’t assuming someone is sinning without giving them the benefit of the doubt be a sin in itself?

It seems to me like scandal in the sense of “I do something and as a result someone else jumps to false conclusions that could, theoretically, if they’re impressionable, contribute to them sinning down the road” isn’t really a sin any more than you’d be sinning by setting your phone down on a table in public (which might then, possibly, invite someone else to steal it, maybe.)

I interpret scandal as something more direct – like handing an alcoholic a shot or driving a violently angry person over to their ex’s house or something.

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I’d advise against it, for the scandal issue but also because it could be a temptation to you and to your boyfriend. It’s a sin to place ourselves in occasions of sin.
 
There are some very good opposing views Available…
And in the end, its up to you which way you go…
I think its an idea with merit … to share an apartment, to see if you actually get along…
I know everyone thinks the evil S word is going on, but life is more that sex,lust whatever.
so many people end up in the divorce courts, so many people have Decades of Misery …
Because they want to be seen to do the right thing…
And yes I know lots do the right thing and all goes rosy…
Would it be a sin if you Cohabitate … I Don’t know how…
 
I dislike some of the statements and assumptions being made in posts like these. Most posts are correct, sincere and have merit…despite how difficult they are to read.

Others…just aren’t. Men can and do respect women and can and do change for the better.

I’ll give you my experience on the matter and, also, my opinion.

My husband and I were not practicing Christians when we first met. I was a baptized Catholic who was, in no way shape or form, raised in the faith. I had no idea who Jesus was or what it meant to be a Christian.

My husband was a fallen away evangelical Christian.

We met, started dating, started a sexual relationship and moved in together after about a year. No one in our family or circle of friends stopped us. In fact, we were encouraged to do so and received help in finding an apartment and moving from close family and friends.

During this time, the two of us started to realize our Christian faith…slowly, mind you. We’d go to Church occasionally. We tried both Mass and services at other denominations. I had no idea what we were doing was wrong (I’m not kidding) and he didn’t seem to care.

When I did find out what we were doing was wrong I was horrified and tried my best to justify our living arrangements. I started getting stressed out about Marriage and began pestering him.
He said he wanted to marry me and couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else…but didn’t want to “feel pressured” was “nervous” about the wedding…so on and so forth. It resulted in a couple of fights and a near break up.

I was away for military obligations when my husband started to inquire about RCIA…without telling me. He decided not to start class. A year goes by.

I came home and a few months later…found out I was pregnant. Everyone was overjoyed, except for me.
That was when we started talking about RCIA again. He told me he inquired and wanted to start class this time.
I agreed and we changed everything. He proposed, we started house hunting, we stopped any kind of intimacy, got a wedding planned and started going to Church together every Sunday…then daily Mass and adoration followed.

One thing that didn’t change…neither of us moved out. My husband told our RCIA director and our Parish Priest it wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t going to kick his pregnant fiancé out for a few months just to keep up appearances and avoid scandal. I had no where to go.
They both agreed with us and said we were doing the right thing.

We lived chastely until our wedding night and moved into our new house a week later. I have no doubt our marriage is good and valid. The Holy Spirit was working hard on us. I could feel Him the entire time. I have no doubt that our marriage will last until death.

My opinion?
Can it be done? Sure it can. I did it.
Would I recommend it? No.
Why? It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I had to change everything about myself.
I had to admit I was wrong and what I was doing was wrong.
I had to want to change. My husband and I had to be on the same page about everything…conversion, living chastely and re-dedicating our lives to Christ.

It worked because I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong and he just didn’t believe it was wrong.
If we knew what we know now…I would never have moved in with him…I would have gladly stayed a virgin and saved myself for my wedding night.

If you know it’s wrong but are trying to justify it as right…then it will never work.
 
It’s not good for the soul. Cohabitation is good preparation for divorce and bad preparation for marriage. It’s much easier to discern marriage when you are not attached to the other person. Sex creates a chemical and emotional bond, while cohabitants share furniture which makes it that much more difficult to break up. Dating requires periods of reflection away from the other person. Living together will not allow for those opportunities which can lead to people overlooking red flags.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
My boyfriend and I are debating whether cohabitation is still a sin if you’re not having sex.
…
Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Most respondents have answered with reasons why you should not do this, but you could also look at it from the other angle: What are the good or compelling reasons to live together? Are there alternatives which might offer the same benefits? When there is a question of sinfulness, temptation, scandal, or other risks, it is often useful to remember that there are alternatives and we should not just fall into the most convenient course of action.

For example, a couple might consider living together to save money on rent and living expenses. The alternative, of course, is to find less expensive housing separately. Less expensive usually comes with drawbacks, like less space or less privacy, but these are not insurmountable problems.

You wrote that you are “debating.” Is it a purely hypothetical debate, or have you found yourselves in a situation which requires some action (say, for example, his roommate is moving out)?
 
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