Cohabiting friends

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PumpkinCookie

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My friend since childhood lives with his girlfriend about 4 hours away. They are both fallen away Catholics, probably due to poor religious education and a secular atmosphere at school and at home. My friend and I both went to the same schools for 12 years together (public). He went to a Catholic (in name only) college and met his girlfriend there. I am married, and my wife and I along with my friend and his girlfriend are all in our mid 20s.

I like my friend and his girlfriend although I worry that he and his girlfriend’s souls are in serious danger. I pray for them both (but I have not told them this). I do not “preach” to them in any way, but I also do not enthusiastically approve of their situation; I merely say nothing and focus on other topics. When my friend told me a year or so ago that she was going to move in, I warned him that it was dangerous and I couldn’t approve but even so I would be there for him if any troubles were to come.

Anyway, we both like biking so I want to invite him to come over and do some trails around here and maybe go fishing, but I think it would be rude and insulting not to invite his girlfriend as well. Also, since they live so far away, it would be easy to have them stay with us for the night.

We are fortunate to have extra separate bedrooms and beds right now, and neither my wife nor I want to allow them to sleep together in our home. BUT, I am conflicted because I am NOT my friends father and I do not want to belittle them or act like a “holier-than-thou” moral policeman. I feel that my wife and I should have moral authority about what goes on in our home, but I also feel that I should not tell my friend and his girlfriend what to do since they are our peers and not our children.

What should I do?
 
It’s fine to tell them to sleep apart, provided you do so before they make the trip to your city. But there is a good chance that they will decline your invitation all together. Ideally they won’t take offense at your request and you won’t take offense if they choose not to come.
 
Why do you think there is a good chance they wouldn’t come?
 
If you invite both you should make known your house rules, if they stay with you in your house, as BlueEyedLady suggested. I would say, though, that if he’s more your friend than the girlfriend, and if it’s supposed to be a guys-going-to-do-guy-things together kind of trip, that she may not want to come along. What would she do while you guys are out hiking and fishing? Visit with your wife? Awkward, don’t you think? Can they afford their own accommodations if they do come? That might be the best thing, especially with your scruples (not a bad thing) and if the girlfriend would rather not go with you guys on your trip. Is your wife going on the trip? I think that makes a difference, as well.
 
Like others said I think it is fine to invite both and just let them know that they would be staying in different rooms. If they are real friends and have a knowledge of Catholic morality then they should understand. It is your house and your prerogative to say unmarried couples sleep separate when under your roof.

It’s really disappointing how prevalent cohabitation is in our generation. I have several Catholic friends from college that are now doing this who I never would have dreamed would be the types. In the case of one couple they are still very active in the Church and one actually works for the diocese. They know the Catholic faith and they know me well enough to predict what I think of it, so I don’t feel the need to preach to them, but it is disconcerting.
 
You say…
They are both fallen away Catholics, probably due to poor religious education and a secular atmosphere at school and at home
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…I think you are ignoring that they might know their Catholic Faith, but simply choose not to practice it. Lets face it…they probably own and know how to operate: an i-phone, i-pad, GPS, a computer and navigate the internet, a HD TV-cable system, Surround Sound Stereo equipment, off road bikes, auto-manufacture’s instructions and maintenance guidelines, etc., etc… Not knowing and practicing their Catholic Faith is a most likely…a choice…in today’s high tech World…it is simply a decided choice…not to practice/ know what the Catechism/Scripture teaches us about our Faith…IMHO. At my death and Particular Judgment, I already have my defense planned out…its a one word defense…Mercy…mercy…mercy…Lord have mercy on my poor sinful soul. Bad catechesis or lack of family practice…is a dog that won’t hunt…IMHO.

You say…
I do not “preach” to them in any way, but I also do not enthusiastically approve of their situation; I merely say nothing and focus on other topics
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…why not? You might want to try “wearing your Catholic Faith on your sleeve”…so to speak…talk about your prayer life…your spiritual devotions…Sunday Mass…the Sacraments you receive…“let her rip”…only God knows if their souls are truly at risk…but the Good Lord would probably like your help in awakening their consciences to the possibility that they may be at risk.

As far as coming to your house…with his girlfriend…just be forthright and tell him the conditions…why should you violate your conscience…let him squirm…tell him you hope it makes him uncomfortable (with a charitable smile)…better him than you…do it in guy-to-guy talk…not preaching. It’s a “bedrock” of the Faith…that we must follow our conscience…properly formed of course according to God’s standards and His teachings.
1706 By his reason, man recognizes the voice of God which urges him "to do what is good and avoid what is evil."9 Everyone is obliged to follow this law, which makes itself heard in conscience and is fulfilled in the love of God and of neighbor. Living a moral life bears witness to the dignity of the person.
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Lastly, I really applaud your strong sense of friendship and spiritual concern for your friend…just let him hear it and see it…is my simple recommendation, for your consideration.

Pax Christi
 
Scripture is clear that if a brother does not want to hear from the Church, treat them as non-Christians. That is, treat them with love and respect but also don’t expect them to act as Christians.
 
My advice is invite them, but explain your house rules before they accept. They may want to stay at your house and sleep in separate beds, and they may want to stay at a hotel and share a bed.
 
PumpkinCookie said:
Why do you think there is a good chance they wouldn’t come?
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Because I know how my fiance and I would handle it, and it’s the same as what most cohabiting couples I know would do. We would politely thank you for the invitation but decline.

Honestly, we’re really busy these days and it wouldn’t be worth it to us to travel and then give up our nights together to hang out with a friend. Curling up together and talking before bed is our most cherished time, and we just wouldn’t go through the time and expense of traveling to give it up. Especially when we have friends here that we could spend time with who don’t fundamentally disapprove if the nature of our relationship.

It wouldn’t be about disrespecting you or not liking you, it just wouldn’t be something we’re comfortable with. It’s kind of an irreconcilable difference, but we would be happy to have dinner with you next time you’re in town.
 
Your house, your rules.

If it were me, I would explain how I feel respectfully and go from there. They can stay in separate rooms, get a nearby hotel room, or just the male half can come for the guy stuff visit.
 
Do you or he live in the town you grew up in? If so, I would think your friend and girlfriend would stay with his parents.
 
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