College Daughter going on trip with BF

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Meagan34

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Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around hoping to see if I could get some (name removed by moderator)ut on a situation I’m going through right now.

I have a total of five children, our eldest is 21 followed by 12, 10, 8, and 6 year old. My eldest daughter has always been a delightful girl and although she was introduced to the Faith later than our other kids, she has always been strong in her faith. Or at least we thought.
She received a full scholarship to a university a few hours away and will be graduating this May. She has had a job since she was 16 and has always been a very independent child.

A recent thread regarding obedience to parents in adulthood was of interest to me because my daughter has decided that she and her boyfriend of four years are taking a trip to Europe to celebrate their graduation. They will be going alone and I was also informed they will be sharing a room. She will be living at home because her last semester is all online courses, and she has a job offer in our city.

She has always asked for permission when making decisions but more of in a sense that she respects our opinion. Of course she has made good choices up until now. We trust her but the temptation would be very great for them. This is our first time dealing with something like this and we don’t really understand how we’re supposed to approach this. We appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut! Thank you for your time!
 
Hi Meagen,
That’s a difficult situation.
If they’ve been going together for 4 years, are they contemplating marriage? How about a wedding before the trip? If they are married, they will be more respected by people in Europe. My ex-husband and I took a trip to Europe right after our wedding, and I believe I was safer being married. Staying together when unmarried, they present as a couple of flaky immoral Americans, and we don’t have a good reputation over there.

She is an adult at 21, so can make her own decisions, although hopefully she will respect your opinions. You are the owners of your home, so can set the rules in your house. You could tell her that if she goes on the trip, she has declared herself an adult and can find her own place to live when she returns.
Or you could just tell her it’s not something you recommend because of the temptations, but that she is an adult and you respect her decisions.
What would you do if she were your adult sister living with you, and the same situation came up?
Hopefully you will be able to discuss the pros and cons with her, and she will listen.
 
Meagan34 said:
Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around hoping to see if I could get some (name removed by moderator)ut on a situation I’m going through right now.

I have a total of five children, our eldest is 21 followed by 12, 10, 8, and 6 year old. My eldest daughter has always been a delightful girl and although she was introduced to the Faith later than our other kids, she has always been strong in her faith. Or at least we thought.
She received a full scholarship to a university a few hours away and will be graduating this May. She has had a job since she was 16 and has always been a very independent child.

A recent thread regarding obedience to parents in adulthood was of interest to me because my daughter has decided that she and her boyfriend of four years are taking a trip to Europe to celebrate their graduation. They will be going alone and I was also informed they will be sharing a room. She will be living at home because her last semester is all online courses, and she has a job offer in our city.

She has always asked for permission when making decisions but more of in a sense that she respects our opinion. Of course she has made good choices up until now. We trust her but the temptation would be very great for them. This is our first time dealing with something like this and we don’t really understand how we’re supposed to approach this. We appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut! Thank you for your time!
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I’d suggest approaching it honestly and with love. Let her know how proud you are of her, how you respect the woman she has become, how you know SHE knows how a Christian is expected to behave, and that you respect her right as a 21 yr old to make her own decisions. Point out your legitimate concerns about temptation, but also that you realize she’s been dealing with situations of temptation for a long time now, though this will be different. Point out also how others will view this - automatically assuming they are being intimate. Point out how such a trip (presuming they are planning a future marriage) would probably overshadow whatever future honeymoon they plan. Then step aside and pray. Believe the best of her (and her BF) until/unless they prove otherwise.

If she were younger, my suggestions would be different. I’m also presuming that the future job is going to provide all the funds she needs to get her own place to live and make her financially independent and this trip is not being funded by you, nor by her going into debt. But the way I’m reading your post is that she’s pretty much well on her way to transitioning into her adult life and only needs a few more months of help (via living in your home) before she’s on her own.

As a parent, I never want to condone unacceptable behavior, but I also know that as they mature, you no longer have the right nor ability to control your children (nor should you). For us this occurred gradually over many years from approx. age 15 on up thru age 20 or so, with us gradually stepping back and letting them make their own choices, etc. So if this was our child, while I wouldn’t like it, I wouldn’t forbid it either due to her age, no direct knowledge of misbehavior (only temptation) and presuming the maturity and approaching independence.
 
Talk with her honestly about the example that she is setting for her younger siblings.
 
SuperLuigi said:
Situations like these make me wonder about the sin of scandal.
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Well that’s the problem isn’t it? Few people in the US find this scandalous.

Like paul said, talk to her about setting an example for her siblings. this moves the discussion away from her or the young man personally, but keeps it in the realm of morality.
 
Meagan34 said:
Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around hoping to see if I could get some (name removed by moderator)ut on a situation I’m going through right now.

I have a total of five children, our eldest is 21 followed by 12, 10, 8, and 6 year old. My eldest daughter has always been a delightful girl and although she was introduced to the Faith later than our other kids, she has always been strong in her faith. Or at least we thought.
She received a full scholarship to a university a few hours away and will be graduating this May. She has had a job since she was 16 and has always been a very independent child.

A recent thread regarding obedience to parents in adulthood was of interest to me because my daughter has decided that she and her boyfriend of four years are taking a trip to Europe to celebrate their graduation. They will be going alone and I was also informed they will be sharing a room. She will be living at home because her last semester is all online courses, and she has a job offer in our city.

She has always asked for permission when making decisions but more of in a sense that she respects our opinion. Of course she has made good choices up until now. We trust her but the temptation would be very great for them. This is our first time dealing with something like this and we don’t really understand how we’re supposed to approach this. We appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut! Thank you for your time!
Click to expand...
Who is paying for the trip? I guess I would imagine that if she is planning a vacation with the BF, then they are already sleeping together. If she is paying for the trip and is 21, there is not much you can really do with that, she is an adult. If you are funding this trip, I know that I would probably say that you cannot pay for this and have her “sharing” the bedroom with the BF.
 
robwar said:
Who is paying for the trip? I guess I would imagine that if she is planning a vacation with the BF, then they are already sleeping together. If she is paying for the trip and is 21, there is not much you can really do with that, she is an adult. If you are funding this trip, I know that I would probably say that you cannot pay for this and have her “sharing” the bedroom with the BF.
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This occurred to me as well, that the daughter may very well be already sexually active, however the question of “is it okay to sleep in the same room/bed if we stay chaste” has been brought up many times on CAF, and many posters have stated that they themselves did this, or even lived together for extended amounts of time, without falling into temptation.

However, certainly, I think many others would assume a couple who goes away on holiday by themselves and stays in the same room must be planning to have sex. Now, of course in secular society such behavior isn’t considered “scandalous” but as the OP’s daughter has many younger siblings, the question of what example she is setting for them I think is a quite valid concern.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
This occurred to me as well, that the daughter may very well be already sexually active, however the question of “is it okay to sleep in the same room/bed if we stay chaste” has been brought up many times on CAF, and many posters have stated that they themselves did this, or even lived together for extended amounts of time, without falling into temptation.
**
However, certainly, I think many others would assume a couple who goes away on holiday by themselves and stays in the same room must be planning to have sex.** Now, of course in secular society such behavior isn’t considered “scandalous” but as the OP’s daughter has many younger siblings, the question of what example she is setting for them I think is a quite valid concern.
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Or, being students, they aren’t rolling in dough.
I wouldn’t mince words. I’d say : “Honey, are you guys sleeping together? Because you can’t do that here at home because you know your father and I don’t approve, and it’s not a good example to the children”. They can go on to talk about disappointment, sin, and all the other stuff after she states the ground rules at home. Maybe it’s not even necessary. 🤷
But, if she’s as smart as the OP says, she’ll understand, and so will her boyfriend.
This notion that people go at it every time they enter a bedroom is just.,…well…:rolleyes:
There is a possibility that the daughter will be offended that people believe they are shacking up. It happens. Not everyone in college is a sex fiend.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
This occurred to me as well, that the daughter may very well be already sexually active, however the question of “is it okay to sleep in the same room/bed if we stay chaste” has been brought up many times on CAF, and many posters have stated that they themselves did this, or even lived together for extended amounts of time, without falling into temptation.

However, certainly, I think many others would assume a couple who goes away on holiday by themselves and stays in the same room must be planning to have sex. Now, of course in secular society such behavior isn’t considered “scandalous” but as the OP’s daughter has many younger siblings, the question of what example she is setting for them I think is a quite valid concern.
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Yes, I’ve seen the questions and comments about sleeping in the same room and staying chaste. I obviously don’t agree with those sentiments at all. I do not believe in putting oneself as well as another in a position of temptation, no matter how strong one might think they are. It also give rise to scandal and compromise. But back to Op’s question, If I was taking bets, planning a trip alone with BF not on a honeymoon means most likely that there has been some sexual activity going on. I doubt the intention is just to hold hands in Europe. I’ve been around the block too much to think otherwise.
 
robwar said:
Yes, I’ve seen the questions and comments about sleeping in the same room and staying chaste. I obviously don’t agree with those sentiments at all. I do not believe in putting oneself as well as another in a position of temptation, no matter how strong one might think they are. It also give rise to scandal and compromise. But back to Op’s question,** If I was taking bets, planning a trip alone with BF not on a honeymoon means most likely that there has been some sexual activity going on. I doubt the intention is just to hold hands in Europe.** I’ve been around the block too much to think otherwise.
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😉

It could also be that this “trip” is a way of breaking the news to mom and dad that after graduation, they plan on moving in together. :hmmm:
 
pianistclare said:
**Well that’s the problem isn’t it? Few people in the US find this scandalous. **

Like paul said, talk to her about setting an example for her siblings. this moves the discussion away from her or the young man personally, but keeps it in the realm of morality.
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I think the bigger issue is that too many Americans do not even feel that scandal is a sin.

I too am the oldest child, like your oldest. I lived with my wife, before marriage while I had young siblings at home. I strongly feel that my sin of scandal affected my younger siblings, cousins, in-laws, etc. and lead them all to sin. Too many people don’t realize how significant an impact loved ones have on children and young people (both positive and negative).

If you cannot talk your daughter out of this, ask her to keep information away from your younger children. They don’t need to know she is traveling with her boyfriend and definitely doesn’t need to know that they are sharing a room.

God Bless
 
Regarding whether people would assume “two people of opposite sex in same room = sex”, I think in general they would, but the idea this can happen without sex isn’t considered totally “unrealistic” either.

Even in secular media, I recall that way back during the original Beverly Hills, 90210 show when Donna was the token virgin (until she wasn’t), she was shown sharing hotel rooms with her boyfriends.

Much closer to now, I recall all kinds of people extolling Twilight for promoting chastity because the hero and heroine didn’t have sex before marriage, but they did routinely sleep in the same bed.

Supposed “chaste” sleeping together between two people of the opposite sex, is also a plot point in the Hunger Games books and movies (although amusingly, the characters have motives to want others to think they are intimate and it is strongly implied this leads to intimacy at the very end).

Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about “scandalizing” hotel clerks, maids, etc. I mean, these days, likely people would assume that any random pair of adults sharing a bed, whether they be of the opposite or same sex, might be planning on sex, and possibly even sharing a room with separate beds (as sometimes the one-bedded rooms can sell out forcing couples to book a room with separate beds).

However, the impact this behavior could have on the OP’s other children I think is a legitimate issue that the daughter might (or might not) listen to.
 
pianistclare said:
😉

It could also be that this “trip” is a way of breaking the news to mom and dad that after graduation, they plan on moving in together. :hmmm:
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Yes, the honeymoon without the wedding. Op should ask her daughter when is the wedding and can she come? 😃
 
robwar said:
Yes, I’ve seen the questions and comments about sleeping in the same room and staying chaste. I

:rotfl:

Can I please have a show of hands from North American parents as to who think their their kids go to college to LEARN and be chaste?
obviously don’t agree with those sentiments at all. I do not believe in putting oneself as well as another in a position of temptation, no matter how strong one might think they are. It also give rise to scandal and compromise. But back to Op’s question, If I was taking bets, planning a trip alone with BF not on a honeymoon means most likely that there has been some sexual activity going on. I doubt the intention is just to hold hands in Europe. I’ve been around the block too much to think otherwise.
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=pianistclare;12651290]Well that’s the problem isn’t it? Few people in the US find this scandalous.
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:o

I don’t think most people in the US even know what the sin of scandal is.
 
Okay, this is going off the rails. So we’ve gone from “they may be having sex” to “they MUST be having sex” to “the OP should kick the daughter out of the house”. Is this based on the assumption that the daughter is having sex, or would we recommend the same even if she was just putting herself in a tempting situation?

Gee, what ever happened to charity? And BTW, the posts I have read regarding “can I stay in the same house/room/bed with my S.O.” are from actual posters who state they are planning on doing this, have done it, or are asking a theoretical question. Not third parties. I suppose we could assume that all of those posters were lying about their true intentions and planning to have sex, too.
 
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