College refusal - where do we go from here?

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m just going to pour out my heart and hope this thread helps someone else in a similar position.

Our son has had his struggles in high school. His grades were not stellar. He is at a difficult Jesuit college prep, and he’s got ADHD. He’s also gone through a rebellious phase where he wouldn’t listen to much we told him, but he turned that around after his girlfriend dumped him in the fall of last year. Unfortunately his GPA didn’t come up until this year.

He applied at 2 colleges, one of which he pretty much knew he wasn’t getting into. He didn’t apply out of state because of the cost - he has no chance of getting an academic scholarship and we are not in any category that would stand a chance of getting any other type of scholarship. He did his best on the SAT and we thought his score was pretty good. He didn’t take it a 2nd time.

Well, the college he had his heart set on has turned him down. There are things I would have done differently if I could go back and do them again, but now it’s too late. He is devastated, his pride is hurt, and he’s scared about what to do next.

My husband went through the English school system, and I didn’t start college until I was 25, and I went through community college first. We didn’t know all the ins and outs of applying, testing, etc. I guess that is no excuse but I feel that I have let him down pretty much his whole life, by just not doing things to help him. We have done the best we could but evidently, it hasn’t been enough.

Everyone has to go to college these days or there doesn’t seem to be anything else for them. He’s got a talent for music but not enough for something like Julliard - it’s not classical music or anything, not prodigy level.

He’s an average kid, and it seems no one wants an average kid anywhere. Even when I was searching for a military school or a boarding school, even THOSE places all said they wanted the “exceptional” students!!!

I feel like his school counselor failed him too. He put Biology as his major and someone said if he had just put General Studies or something really light, he might have gotten in. I can’t contact the school because it’s spring break. I want to do SOMETHING and I hate feeling helpless and hopeless.

Is it wrong to want your kid to catch a break? He’s got ADHD and celiac disease - both of which have impacted his life incredibly. He’s had his struggles but he’s come through difficult times and he’s an amazing guy now. He has a job, that he’s held for a year. He’s led 2 Kairos retreats and a freshman welcome retreat. He’s staying chaste.

I know I should have faith that God will take my son where he should go but I’m afraid for him. Where do we go from here? It seems too late to start applying anywhere else now. Community college? If he just starts working I fear that he will never go to college. And back to where I started - that everyone is expected to go to college now days, even people who will wash out after their first semester but the place they took is one he might have stayed in.

I feel that I have let him down.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Look around, are there any other local colleges? Sure, I would call as well and just ask, since he didn’t make it this time, what do they suggest for him to work on to be accepted in the future? Ask about the different programs, which ones are more difficult to get it, what they look for in future candidates, etc. etc… I think he should do the calling if he feels comfortable with it. In the meantime, I think community college is one option. I know one person that started off at community college for the first two years or so and then transferred to a state college for the last two, and graduated from that college. Economically it was good, being able to stay at home for the first two years, and in the end she got her degree from the college she wanted to go to.

 

[newf]

First, take a deep breath.

Second, take a step back and let’s look at the situation.

I understand how you feel having a college reject your son’s request for admission. Believe me, I’ve been through it, too. It is a big disappointment. But it is not the end of the world by any means.

He only applied to 2 colleges. Have your son check other colleges in your state to see if he can still apply. Have him look at community college for maybe a year or two and then really focus on getting into the college of his choice. I agree with you, he should stay in school at least part time.

I know you are disappointed, but I think it is best not to share the level of your grief with your son. You will do well to not dwell on this situation but look at the future. Don’t use his ADHD and celiac disease as excuses for anything. Everyone has to deal with something. Your son needs to believe that he is just as good as anyone else. And he needs to see that you, his mom, believe he can do anything he sets his mind to. And that when set backs like this happen, it only makes him stronger and better.

 

[HouseArrest]

You’ve got to think outside the box here.

I would contact the college and ask if he can start in the summer term as a trial run. Of course this will cost more, but he will also get a head start and that might help him be successful.

Community college is an option. Again, contact the college of his choice and ask what he needs to do to get in as a transfer next year. This will hopefully also keep him focused and working hard on his grades.

Is he really interested in biology or is he really undecided? If he is set on biology, I would tell him that he should focus on the end product, the biology degree, and not necessarily the path to get there. I would also be careful about trying to get into a school with the intent of changing majors, especially if the major is a competitive one. It’s not going to be any easier to get in that way.

If he is undecided then contact the college and ask them to reevaluate his application for a different major. Don’t forget, the acceptance letters are going to go out and x number of students are going to turn the college down. There might be room for him!

Good luck!

 

[1ke]

I guess that is no excuse but I feel that I have let him down pretty much his whole life, by just not doing things to help him. We have done the best we could but evidently, it hasn’t been enough.

OK, I cannot sit by and let you beat yourself up and say you let your son down. My parents/grandparents did not do ONE thing to assist me in my college applications, testing, scholarship applications, etc. They encouraged me to make good grades, as you did your son. The rest was up to me. When I read about parents going and getting applications and filling them out for their kids, pushing and pulling them across the finish line for deadlines, testing, etc, and then whipping themselves when their kid doesn’t do XYZ, it really burns me up. I wanted it, so I did it-- good grades, researched colleges (in the days before the internet), got recommendation letters, kept track of all the due dates, filled out a zillion applications for scholarshiops, filled out apps to the colleges I wanted to attend, took the SAT (although only once and without any study/prep… but I knew I could have done all that). He didn’t want it that badly, and he didn’t do it.

Now that he feels bad that he’s wasted his time and squandered his opportunities, somehow it’s YOUR fault? NO WAY, Mom.

Ok, that said-- it is NOT the end of the world. He can go to junior college, prove himself with excellent grades and transfer to the “school of his dreams”.

Everyone has to go to college these days or there doesn’t seem to be anything else for them. He’s got a talent for music but not enough for something like Julliard - it’s not classical music or anything, not prodigy level.

Well, everyone doesn’t have to go to college. The military and vocational schools are also excellent options. We need skilled trades badly in this country. Our tech schools here also have computer, graphic design, website, etc, type programs-- so it isn’t just traditional plumber, welder, etc, trades-- but we need those too. Community college will be his gateway to a 4 year school if that is the path he chooses. He will have to get good grades there and then transfer.

Also, music is not a realistic career. That is a hobby.

I feel like his school counselor failed him too. He put Biology as his major and someone said if he had just put General Studies or something really light, he might have gotten in. I can’t contact the school because it’s spring break. I want to do SOMETHING and I hate feeling helpless and hopeless.

Oh please, no helicopter parenting. You are going to contact the schools? Why? He is a big boy.

Also, it doesn’t matter that he put “biology” and not “general studies”. He didn’t have grades or SATs.

Is it wrong to want your kid to catch a break?

I don’t think that’s wrong at all. You love your son.

But what you have to realize is that we don’t “catch breaks”. We make our own. And, when he is motivated to do that, he will.

Look my brother who is *dyslexic *and has *ulcerative colitis *set his sights on a history degree-- the degree with the most reading and writing imaginable outside English. He spent many extra hours on papers. He used the resources at the small college he attended (learning lab where they help proofread papers, etc). He didn’t get the best grades b/c of his dyslexia He didn’t ask for special treatment despite the fact that he COULD have. He did it all on his own and earned a Master’s. Don’t baby your son.

I know I should have faith that God will take my son where he should go but I’m afraid for him. Where do we go from here? It seems too late to start applying anywhere else now. Community college? If he just starts working I fear that he will never go to college. And back to where I started - that everyone is expected to go to college now days, even people who will wash out after their first semester but the place they took is one he might have stayed in.

I feel that I have let him down.

It really isn’t the end of the world. I know if feels like it. Yes, community college is a good start. Let him find his path. I think that’s probably the hardest part of being a parent. Let it be known that it is up to him-- make a plan, go to community college, a trade school, the military, or get a job. But HE fills out the apps, HE talks to counselors, HE does the work. If he doesn’t, it wasn’t that important to him. He has to learn this in his time and in his way. Help him when he asks, but don’t do it for him.

And I disagree that everyone is expected to or even should go to college. You can help him see other viable options including technical schools that have really good 2 year programs.

 

[1ke]

I would contact the college and ask if he can start in the summer term as a trial run. Of course this will cost more, but he will also get a head start and that might help him be successful.

No, HE needs to contact the college and find this out. Not his mom.

Again, contact the college of his choice and ask what he needs to do to get in as a transfer next year. This will hopefully also keep him focused and working hard on his grades.

No, HE needs to contact the college and ask about transfer requirements. Not his mom.

If he is undecided then contact the college and ask them to reevaluate his application for a different major.

No, HE needs to call the college and ask if changing to a different major would make a difference. Not his mom.

Don’t forget, the acceptance letters are going to go out and x number of students are going to turn the college down. There might be room for him!

And, finally, HE needs to call and ask about wait-listing. Not mom.

 

[horselvr]

Hey:

You are not alone as I also made those same mistakes and also feel as though I let my son down by not researching what avenues, as a parent, I was suppose to take to ensure my son got into the college of his choice. So let’s stop beating ourselves up over this. OK? My son has actually survived my mistake and yours will too. Anyway:

Community college is an excellent idea as he/you will save loads of $$$ while he gets courses finished up and hopefully will transfer over to a University that will gladly take him in because he will get his gpa up at cc. This will also give him some time to really think about what he might want to be when he grows up. Right? A plus!

If later he decides he really doesn’t want to go on to a university there are plenty of plumbers, electricians, carpenters, welders, hvac guys yada yada that make an excellent living. Some work overseas making an incredible wage. So, if he doesn’t go on to a university that is not the end of the world.

He sounds like he has a lot going for him and sounds like a great kid. What are his interests? What would he like to major in/or not. Be there for him with a gentle almost (name removed by moderator)erceptable nudge but don’t harp and push with the notion that if he doesn’t get a college degree he will be less than and OMG he has ADHD what will become of him. Relax, he is going to do just fine Mom.

 

[HouseArrest]

No, HE needs to contact the college and find this out. Not his mom.

No, HE needs to contact the college and ask about transfer requirements. Not his mom.

No, HE needs to call the college and ask if changing to a different major would make a difference. Not his mom.

And, finally, HE needs to call and ask about wait-listing. Not mom.

Well, whatever, I wasn’t concerned with who would do it as much as offering ideas on what could actually be done. I agree it is his responsibility. He would probably also have a better response if he called himself.

 

[PaulinVA]

Juliane, I really feel for you. I have a son who is struggling to make his way. He is improving every day, but life is really hard for him. He’s never used drugs, never been messed up with the wrong crowd, just never clicked. He is the most stubborn person ever born, so that doesn’t help, either.

He is going to community college now and working, and living in the basement. He is motivated to succeed, but is his own worst enemy. We help him by supporting him emotionally (and financially) and urging him to continue on his path.

One college refusal is not the end of the word. Not at all. Secret - a lot of private schools, while expensive, have a very high acceptance rate. Second secret - all of the cool kids are going to community college. Well, not all, but my son sees a lot of people he knows who went away the first year and are at the CC now. It is the prudent financial choice for a lot of kids. Much less debt for the lower division classes and an AA transfers to the state schools (at least here). AND, they take everyone. Your son will have to be tested to see what classes are appropriate (they do this at most every college) but it is a good choice.

Some kids take longer than others…

 

[horselvr]

YEAH! What IKE said!!

 

[HouseArrest]

Another idea - has he considered a branch campus of a larger school? It is an alternative to a CC. Usually the campus is much smaller and the students get more one on one attention, and the grades transfer to the main campus if he would want to eventually end up there.

 

[Leon_Bloy]

I think you are right in that letting him “drift” or lose momentum by working may not be a good idea. If he really wants to go to college (and biology may not be the right major - he doesn’t need to declare one for at least a year, if not more, so let him find out what all the options are first, once he gets in!), then he might just go to a ordinary local state university. That will not set a person back at all in terms of options. You can go to North-Central Podunksville State College and still be admitted to Yale to grad school or whatever, as long as you do well in college. Sometimes there is too much emphasis on “prestige” when it does not count for much.

Junior colleges are great in many ways, but there is an issue of the fact that a lot of not very serious students also go there, so he might become influenced by them. One can certainly do well in those, though, and many people have made a great success by going to them.

I think the important thing is to protect his morale.

 

[28562]

There is nothing wrong with Community College. That’s what I did. My parents didn’t have a dime saved to help me go to school and, to be quite honest, college was never a topic of discussion in our house growing up. I did it anyway.

How good is he with working with his hands? I went to our local community college and got a degree in Manufacturing Technology (welding, machining, electrical…etc). I am currently going back to get a 2nd degree in CNC machining. I have a good job. I support a family of 5 (soon to be 6) on my income alone. Maybe it is a career path to consider? And it can all be done at a CC. The world needs machinists, the world will always need machinists. And the pay is good for a good one.

 

[MomaMary8]

Two things: turn off the helicopter and put down the kool-aid!

Your son is 18 and has to deal with the fact that HE did not get into the 2 colleges that he applied for. HE let himself down and this should be the wake up call for him to get his act together. You say he has turned things around, but if he is as upset as you are, then he must not fully realize the mistake he made in letting his grades go. He also must have been a bit deluded if he applied to a college with poor grades and an “ok” SAT and thought he’d get in. We just did this process last year and fully knew what each university required and fully knew what my son’s scores were. There were no surprises at the universities that he was accepted into and not accepted into. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but sometimes our actions have long term consequences and can’t be simply erased with good behavior. Sounds like he is learning this now. Turn off your helicopter and let him take control. If he really wants in to the university, make suggestions of what he can do but HE should do the work, not you!

Now for the kool-aid. You seem to accept the general thinking that a child must go to college the first year or else disaster will happen! Some parents (and high schools) are masters at making college acceptance a bragging point rather than a vehicle to their child’s future career. Sure, a young adult should be proud to get accepted to a good university, but the parents seem to get a bit wrapped up into it and forget to look at what is best for that child.

SAT’s and ACT’s and grades are all determining factors to prove a person’s readiness to enter university systems. They are an indication of how well the person will do. You may suggest to your son that HE failed to get admitted to a 4 yr university and now must prove to you and a future university that he can handle college courses, and he will have to do this at a 2 yr college. Our son is at a 2 yr university and knows we will only help pay for college if he continues to get good grades. He was slightly above average in H.S. but didn’t take things seriously. After his first semester of college he finally admits that he could have done better in H.S. and finally sees his errors. he is taking the time now to research more colleges he’d like to attend. Getting his basics done at a community college actually frees up his college budget to investigate and possibly attend a more expensive university and one that will provide a better education in his selected field than any of the 4 year universities he had originally been accepted in.

Sure, there are bragging rights to sending your child to a well known university or the flagship school of your state, but really, his education is not about that. It is about getting an education that will jump start his chosen career. Let go of your dreams and let him face his own future. He needs to take responsibility for himself, his education, his ADHD and celiac disease. These things aren’t going to go away, and he needs to learn how to go forward with the cards he has been dealt.

and remember…it will be ok!! You know your son, and you know he will have a future, you just have to let him make it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I appreciate your responses so much. I have tried really hard not to be a helicopter parent and now I feel like I have failed because of that! Like, if I HAD been more interactive, etc. he would have certainly gotten in.

And not to make it about me, but it does touch on a wound I have carried for a long time…The adults in my life failed me when it came to advice on things like this as well. My father was typical of country people of his day. He got an 8th grade education and that was it. My mother died when I was 10. I got good grades until I hit high school, was in all advanced classes, etc. But since college was never discussed I never had a plan for it. A good friend introduced me to his friend, Mary Jane, and I blew my grades for a year, and thereby blew all chances at college scholarships. No one even told me or sat me down and said, “You need to stop this because your future is at stake.” But, I eventually looked around and hated the people I was hanging with, realized I am better than that, and got my grades back up, but it was too late. I still didn’t even think of college at that point b/c my dad didn’t have any money. I never even took the tests, no one told me I needed to. In other words, I was clueless. So the doors closed and it was only years and years later when my father even bothered to tell me that I had been up for scholarships and had blown it. Gee thanks Dad, do you think it might have been good if you’d told me THEN instead of NOW???

And because I was clueless then, I was clueless again with my son. Maybe I have babied him all along. I haven’t meant to, and I hope I haven’t ruined him.

I did end up going to college, and it was a good boss who encouraged me to do it. He showed me a pathway and believed in me. I got started and worked my way through college the entire time. I transferred twice and finally finished after 10 years. I certainly wasn’t the typical college freshman, was about 27 before I ever stepped foot onto a 4 year college campus.

I want my son to have the chance to do it the way everyone else does. I don’t want him to have to go through what I did.

 

[joanofarc2008]

How about checking out accredited online programs at least to earn some gen eds and get a good GPA started? This will help his chances for reapplying in a year or two and will be cheaper in the long run.

 

[PaulinVA]

Juliane - don’t blame yourself.

We’ve had threads on the forum before about boys and launching and motivation and school. Look at the college acceptance figures - more women than men in college now. Men/boys are sorta drifting. There are a lot of reasons/theories why, but the goal is to get them to pick themselves up, think highly of themselves, and get back on the path to success.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Waits for SamH to come on and tell me I’ve spoiled my son…

:sad_yes::bighanky:

 

[horselvr]

SNORT!!

Relax RJ you haven’t ruined him. He will do just fine.

 

[Orogeny]

I appreciate your responses so much. I have tried really hard not to be a helicopter parent and now I feel like I have failed because of that! Like, if I HAD been more interactive, etc. he would have certainly gotten in.

And not to make it about me, but it does touch on a wound I have carried for a long time…The adults in my life failed me when it came to advice on things like this as well. My father was typical of country people of his day. He got an 8th grade education and that was it. My mother died when I was 10. I got good grades until I hit high school, was in all advanced classes, etc. But since college was never discussed I never had a plan for it. A good friend introduced me to his friend, Mary Jane, and I blew my grades for a year, and thereby blew all chances at college scholarships. No one even told me or sat me down and said, “You need to stop this because your future is at stake.” But, I eventually looked around and hated the people I was hanging with, realized I am better than that, and got my grades back up, but it was too late. I still didn’t even think of college at that point b/c my dad didn’t have any money. I never even took the tests, no one told me I needed to. In other words, I was clueless. So the doors closed and it was only years and years later when my father even bothered to tell me that I had been up for scholarships and had blown it. Gee thanks Dad, do you think it might have been good if you’d told me THEN instead of NOW???

And because I was clueless then, I was clueless again with my son. Maybe I have babied him all along. I haven’t meant to, and I hope I haven’t ruined him.

I did end up going to college, and it was a good boss who encouraged me to do it. He showed me a pathway and believed in me. I got started and worked my way through college the entire time. I transferred twice and finally finished after 10 years. I certainly wasn’t the typical college freshman, was about 27 before I ever stepped foot onto a 4 year college campus.

I want my son to have the chance to do it the way everyone else does. I don’t want him to have to go through what I did.

I think 1ke said it well, so I will just refer back to her posts. I will add that it is a mistake, in my opinion, to try to remedy your past by doing things for your son. One thing he has to learn if he is to succeed in college and in life is to take responsibility for his future. A lot of kids have a hard time adjusting to college because, as I told my sons when they were about to start college, college isn’t high school. They will fail you if you don’t make the effort to succeed. That means that while many professors don’t take roll, your not going to class will cost you. They don’t pass people just because there is pressure from the school board to do so.

Junior college worked for me as I needed to grow up a bit. It is much cheaper and success there will show a university that he has what it takes to succeed at the university level. But it is he who has to do that. You can’t do that for him.

I truly understand your feelings. We all want our best for our kids, but sometimes, especially at your son’s age, we have to step back and let them grow. Unfortunately, growing sometimes means failing and that hurts, but I truly believe we learn more from our failures than we do our successes.

I hope everything works out, but, to reiterate 1ke, you don’t need to be calling colleges or helping with applications, etc. Your son needs to do those things.

Peace

Tim