College refusal - where do we go from here?

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Not to beat you up, but I see a pattern here. You blame your dad and others for your mistakes, so now its your son’s turn to blame you for his mistakes. Accept responsibility for your actions (seriously, you didn’t know MaryJane was bad???) and let your son accept his.

Take care honey. IT will be ok. :hug1:
 
28562 said:
There is nothing wrong with Community College. That’s what I did. My parents didn’t have a dime saved to help me go to school and, to be quite honest, college was never a topic of discussion in our house growing up. I did it anyway.

How good is he with working with his hands? I went to our local community college and got a degree in Manufacturing Technology (welding, machining, electrical…etc). I am currently going back to get a 2nd degree in CNC machining. I have a good job. I support a family of 5 (soon to be 6) on my income alone. Maybe it is a career path to consider? And it can all be done at a CC. The world needs machinists, the world will always need machinists. And the pay is good for a good one.👍
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My boss went to a community college - he freely admits that coming from a small town he wouldn’t have been ready at 18 to go to a large college. It saved him money and he built up his GPA in those 2 years. He went on to KU for his bachelor’s degree and got his MBA at Washington University.

If the son wasn’t doing that well in a high school environment going to a large college with an academic program designed to washout students that are marginal they may have just saved him the humiliating (and expensive) experience of dropping out college.
 
SamH said:
My boss went to a community college - he freely admits that coming from a small town he wouldn’t have been ready at 18 to go to a large college. It saved him money and he built up his GPA in those 2 years. He went on to KU for his bachelor’s degree and got his MBA at Washington University.

If the son wasn’t doing that well in a high school environment going to a large college with an academic program designed to washout students that are marginal they may have just saved him the humiliating (and expensive) experience of dropping out college.
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Very kind, where is my beating, Sam?

:stretcher::crutches::blackeye:

😉
 
MomaMary8 said:
Not to beat you up, but I see a pattern here. You blame your dad and others for your mistakes, so now its your son’s turn to blame you for his mistakes. Accept responsibility for your actions (seriously, you didn’t know MaryJane was bad???) and let your son accept his.

Take care honey. IT will be ok. :hug1:
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That’s OK, I never mind honest feedback, and yeah, I probably do look for someone to blame. I wondered for years what my life might have been like had I not become a pothead and blew my grades (even when I got and F and a D, I still got an A in English!). I guess now is when I have to let all of that go and stop going back to the past, and trying to assign blame.

And you’re right, my son also has to accept responsibility and not become a victim. He made choices, and those choices have now cost him a dream.

Well Butch up Sally, and I will too, and we both will grow from this.
 
Juliane, I was in a similar boat when I was trying to get into college. My parents didn’t have much more advice than “talk to your guidance counselor,” while the guidance counselor told me to look into it on my own, which wasn’t nearly as easy to do in the pre-internet days. Although I managed to find and get accepted to a couple “dream schools,” the scholarships I won didn’t come close to paying for the books, let alone the tuition. I was discouraged enough that I nearly gave up on college, but ended up going with the local community college.

As others have pointed out, the community college route is a great option as it would let him get a lot of his gen-ed requirements out of the way, give him a taste of college life and help him get a better idea of what he wants as a major (i.e. he could try some biology basics and/or electives to help him determine if he still wants to follow that path or go for a different major).

The savings are also a huge benefit. Our son’s going to the same community college I went to, and it’s less than half the cost of the next-cheapest option.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Waits for SamH to come on and tell me I’ve spoiled my son…

:sad_yes::bighanky:
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There are community colleges, trade schools, and the military.

What’s done is done. Looking back, he should have applied at more than 2 schools, especially if he went in applying to one he knew he would not make it into. So essentially, he applied to one school, which turned him down.

But what’s done is done. Look forward. He has options.

I absolutely agree with 1ke that HE should be the one doing the calling. That shows that HE has the interest, the drive, and the ambition. He MUST have the interest, the drive, and the ambition to succeed in college, because if he does not, he will not survive.

College classes are designed to wash out the unqualified the first year. So make sure he finds a good fit. If he was not a committed student in high school, a rigorous college would likely not be a good fit. (My son was a very committed student high school student and is at a very rigorous university. He spends about 50 hours a week on homework - some of his friends spend more than that on homework).

So be there to guide him to figure out what is next, but HE must be the one to do it, not you.

You are definitely not a bad parent! Your son has options. 👍

:hug1:
 
First of all, this isn’t the end of the world.

One of my best friends was in the same situation in high school.

He gave me the best advice I ever had concerning college: get over it.

He went to a local community college and took the basic core courses. He studied (and did very well). He transferred to the school he wanted to attend the next year (with most of the boring core courses completed). He went to the school of choice, sophomore year, with a high base GPA from his core courses. Believe me; core courses at most community colleges are easier than those at most four year universities.

I took his advice and slacked off my senior in high school (and actually had fun for once).
I did the same thing.
 
Hi TheRealJuliane,
As a father of an ADHD kid myself who is almost a replica of me 30 some years ago personality-wise, I am now in a position of trying to be to him what my suboptimal parents were not to me. It’s a fine line between being there for him, encouraging him and pampering him, he constantly needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone for little things like ordering an ice cream cone (with me standing by) at DQ, I wish I had a kid that was aggressive, go-getter, determined but he’s like me, so he’s none of that:) So, what I’m painfully trying to say is offer guidance as to what he could/should do but hand him the reins of his life, so he’s responsible for taking steps to find a solution. I live in Canada so the US school system is a bit of a mystery to me, but come on don’t tell me it’s too late at 18, that he failed to board the one train at the right time and now no other train’s coming, ever. Also, people who are truly motivated and are able to show it, if they’re persistent enough, doors will open. Your son might not ever be the most daring, audacious guy, but if you leave him some space to cultivate those qualities by encouraging him but gently reminding him that your essential job is to make him fit for life, and that being autonomous is an integral part of it.
Code: 
My kid doesn't have outstanding talents and there is nothing I fear more for him than to have to live a life like the one I had but I do my best, actually beg God almost day-in day out to make me a better father, and the rest I have to trust life/God/my kid. Best of luck (sorry, not luck but you know what I mean).


If you put your helicopter on Ebay, I will too!
 
TheRealJuliane said:
And you’re right, my son also has to accept responsibility and not become a victim. He made choices, and those choices have now cost him a dream.
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This is a bit overly dramatic isn’t it? What dream? Your son can’t go to community college for 2 years, which with his history will probably be better for him than attending a larger university?

I think you are making this a much bigger thing than it is.
 
Community college is such a great and wonderful thing, I never understand why so many people (parents and kids) seem to completely forget about it, or won’t go near it with a 10 foot pole (not saying this is you, RJ, just something I’ve noticed).

I honestly think I could have gotten into a university if I tried. I graduated from high school a year early on the distinguished program, and had a high GPA and SATs…but I still went to community college. I had a $2,000 scholarship for graduating early, and I looked at the community college and saw how much further that money would go compared to the university. Even though my parents paid for everything, I have such an innate sense of “cheapness” that I could not stand the thought of going to a university, getting the exact same degree, and having them spend tens of thousands of dollars.

I loved community college! I don’t feel that I’ve missed out on a “college experience” (what is that? Living in a cramped closet with other people, surrounded by drunk kids partying, who are way too young and immature to live on their own?).

I also think the mentality that is drilled into everyone now (kids and adults) that you MUST MUST MUST go to college or you are a failure and will never amount to anything, is very damaging! Not everyone is meant to go to college! What about religious vocations, the military, vocational schools, etc? My sister in law bought into this “you have to go to college” mindset, and ended up spending three years basically wasting her time. She graduated from high school a year early on some sort of homeschooling program (a rip-off, if you ask me), and is now almost 20. She has been taking one or two classes a semester in community college, because she absolutely hates it. Last fall, she finally passed remedial math (that’s pre-college level mathematics) on the third try. Finally, a few weeks ago, she decided she is going to cosmetology school. She will be so much happier there. Honestly, I think she is someone that is meant to study a trade that she enjoys, rather than a traditional college program.

And RJ, I’m NOT saying this applies to your son, because I don’t know him personally. Just some things to keep in mind that I think many people forget.
 
I haven’t read through all of the other responses, but it looks like you’ve gotten lots of advice already.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. You did what you could, and at some point kids need to step up and take responsibility for their futures. He hasn’t quite lost his dream, though, so don’t lose hope. Both of you need to take a deep breath and get over the initial shock of it, and move on. My brother in law has ADD, and it took him flunking out of school and having to work for a couple of years before he was ready to take on college head-on. He’s got a great job now and is even working on his PhD, so there’s definitely still hope for your son!

I would suggest checking into the local community colleges. I did my first two years at a CC, got my AA degree, and then transferred to the school of my dreams. That was a few years ago, but it was much easier to get in as a transfer student than it was to try and get in as a freshman. I’m not sure if that’s still the way it is or not. The community college will give him a chance to continue his education while he’s still close to home. He can probably still keep his job while he’s at a CC, too. And the cost savings with doing it this way is huge. Tuition at a CC is much less than at a university. He’ll still be able to get his bachelors degree from the school of his dreams, even if he doesn’t start out there.

Your son can probably still call the school and ask about getting in as a “general studies” rather than a biology student. If the deadline has past for this year, he still might not be able to get in, but it might help him out for next year. Or he could start during summer term, or start out with a few online classes. He needs to make any calls to the college, though, rather than you. Colleges view their students as adults and expect them to take care of their own things, rather than rely on their parents to do it for them. Depending on what the phone call is about, many colleges won’t even talk to the parent of a student. It’s scary having to do all that stuff yourself for the first time, but your son can do it! Just talk with him beforehand about what types of questions he needs to ask and make sure he’s got a “game plan” when he calls to ask his questions.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
He is at a difficult Jesuit college prep…
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Has your son thought about doing a gap year? Spending a year in the Volunteer Youth Corp or some other service organization might be just the thing he needs. I know the Jesuits have the Jesuit Volunteer Corp, but I think you need to be 21 to join. But have your son check around at school to see if there is a Catholic volunteer experience open to 18-year-olds.

Luna
 
ByzCath said:
This is a bit overly dramatic isn’t it? What dream? Your son can’t go to community college for 2 years, which with his history will probably be better for him than attending a larger university?

I think you are making this a much bigger thing than it is.
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No, it was a dream of his, to be like his older brother, and be at this campus. It is a very different type of school, with lots of traditions that don’t make sense to outsiders. It is the oldest university in Texas and used to be a males-only military school. Lots and lots of Texas history there and a different atmosphere than other schools.

Have you ever wanted something with your heart and soul? He wanted this that badly. For whatever reason, maybe it’s just that his brother is going there and he wants to try and follow in his brother’s footsteps, but yes, he did want it very badly. Have you ever lost something that you knew was meant to be yours? He has the knowledge that he blew it. He knows that his 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years cost him this goal. Now he has to pick up the pieces and find some other dreams. I’d like to help him, but I’m not great at that aspect of life. If I ever had dreams, they pretty much died when my mother did, when I was 10. Life got pretty much reduced to doing what was expected of me, not going after my dreams. I did follow my dream to get a degree, and I am proud of that. He will have to find a way to reconstruct his pride. I hope he’s got some strength to do that.

As for joining the military, as some others have suggested, that option is closed to him because of his celiac disease. He can’t have any food made of wheat or made with wheat, barley or rye. The services will try to keep you in if you are diagnosed before you join, but that diagnosis before joining means that you are of no use to them, as you can’t get gluten-free food in combat.
 
What summersmiles said…you’ve got your advice and it’s been great!

I just wanted to say that based on the posts I’ve read from you, you are an awesome parent and there is nothing wrong with wanting the world for your son.

I made the catastrophic mistake of only applying to one college and major in dance. The difference was I GOT IN! I wish, more then anything, that someone beat me over the head and told me that this was NOT a good idea and I should have taken advantage of the high grades I had earned in high school and gone for an academic major, like nursing, at a state school and danced as a hobby. My mistake resulted in 1 year of depression, an eating disorder, injuries and a very large student loan I’m still trying to pay back to this day.

1KE is right, by and large, anything that has to do with the arts is a hobby and not much more. There should be no major that exists for the arts because if you’re that good to earn a living, you should be auditioning in high school for a job and then go to college for a real degree.

I went to work instead. It is possible to work and do well for yourself without a college degree. This country still needs people involved with the trades and the military. My husband does VERY well for himself. He works full time in the national guard and has no college degree at all. On paper, he should still be living at home with mom…instead he is serving his country, getting promoted early, getting married, providing for a family and we’re buying our first house and we are still in our 20s.

Right now I’m in community college at the age of 28 and getting straight As in order to go to nursing school next year. I can afford it and I know what I need to do to make this happen.

Let life happen but you know this…your son still needs rules. Tell him he has two choices, either start working or figure this college thing out or do both. Don’t let him sit idle and mope because he didn’t try hard enough and now can’t get what he wanted…whatever it was. Tell him he can’t mooch of of you and your husband unless he can figure out what to do.
A friend of mine had always told his kids that no one is allowed to live in his house past 18 unless they are either working and paying him rent OR in school.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
No, it was a dream of his, to be like his older brother, and be at this campus. It is a very different type of school, with lots of traditions that don’t make sense to outsiders. It is the oldest university in Texas and used to be a males-only military school. Lots and lots of Texas history there and a different atmosphere than other schools.

Have you ever wanted something with your heart and soul? He wanted this that badly. For whatever reason, maybe it’s just that his brother is going there and he wants to try and follow in his brother’s footsteps, but yes, he did want it very badly. Have you ever lost something that you knew was meant to be yours? He has the knowledge that he blew it. He knows that his 9th, 10th, and 11th grade years cost him this goal. Now he has to pick up the pieces and find some other dreams. I’d like to help him, but I’m not great at that aspect of life. If I ever had dreams, they pretty much died when my mother did, when I was 10. Life got pretty much reduced to doing what was expected of me, not going after my dreams. I did follow my dream to get a degree, and I am proud of that. He will have to find a way to reconstruct his pride. I hope he’s got some strength to do that.
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The “dream” is not lost. But I think it is an important lesson for your son to learn that "dreams’ just don’t come true if you do not work for it.

He could attend a community college for a year or two and reapply to this college that he has a “dream” to attend.

I am sorry but I think your reaction and his feeling that he has lost his “dream” are symptoms of something larger.
 
Hi, I haven’t read all the replies, but I remember advice that my Junior year English teacher gave. (a long time ago, but I think is still relevant)

Why not go to a local Community college for a year, get very good grades, and then reaply as a transfer student to the college he wants to attend?

Maybe after a year, he might not want to attend the college he had his hopes on anymore, and might want to major in something totally different.
 
Robertanthony said:
Hi TheRealJuliane,
As a father of an ADHD kid myself who is almost a replica of me 30 some years ago personality-wise, I am now in a position of trying to be to him what my suboptimal parents were not to me. It’s a fine line between being there for him, encouraging him and pampering him, he constantly needs to be pushed out of his comfort zone for little things like ordering an ice cream cone (with me standing by) at DQ, I wish I had a kid that was aggressive, go-getter, determined but he’s like me, so he’s none of that:) So, what I’m painfully trying to say is offer guidance as to what he could/should do but hand him the reins of his life, so he’s responsible for taking steps to find a solution. I live in Canada so the US school system is a bit of a mystery to me, but come on don’t tell me it’s too late at 18, that he failed to board the one train at the right time and now no other train’s coming, ever. Also, people who are truly motivated and are able to show it, if they’re persistent enough, doors will open. Your son might not ever be the most daring, audacious guy, but if you leave him some space to cultivate those qualities by encouraging him but gently reminding him that your essential job is to make him fit for life, and that being autonomous is an integral part of it.
Code: 
My kid doesn't have outstanding talents and there is nothing I fear more for him than to have to live a life like the one I had but I do my best, actually beg God almost day-in day out to make me a better father, and the rest I have to trust life/God/my kid. Best of luck (sorry, not luck but you know what I mean).


If you put your helicopter on Ebay, I will too!
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Very good post, thanks! LOL

I think my helicopter is already rusting…😉
 
28562 said:
There is nothing wrong with Community College. That’s what I did. My parents didn’t have a dime saved to help me go to school and, to be quite honest, college was never a topic of discussion in our house growing up. I did it anyway.

How good is he with working with his hands? I went to our local community college and got a degree in Manufacturing Technology (welding, machining, electrical…etc). I am currently going back to get a 2nd degree in CNC machining. I have a good job. I support a family of 5 (soon to be 6) on my income alone. Maybe it is a career path to consider? And it can all be done at a CC. The world needs machinists, the world will always need machinists. And the pay is good for a good one.👍
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All is not lost. I knew a fellow that did his first year of college in the local community college. He went on to become the top graduate of his 4 year university and was awarded a scholarship for an MD/PhD. I used to be an instructor at a community college, and I had many students who used their year or two there to gain the study skills and self-discipline they wished they had learned in high school. That is the beautiful thing about the US educational system: there are second chances. He will, however, need to go out and get specific help for his academic challenges and deficits, if he wants this second chance to take.

It is very important to get into contact with the registrar of any 4 year program he may want to get into and find out what community colleges available to your son a) give credits that transfer and b) is well-regarded by that 4 year university.

The other thing to do, particularly if he has ADHD, is to find out what interests him. If a program doesn’t interest him, he’s not going to finish it. That’s not only a waste of money, but will also be an unnecessary blow to him and a waste of his life. If that means he will be better-suited to a vocational program, by all means get him into one. Our local community college has an excellent program for working musicians. People don’t go there to become college professors, composers, or to play at the symphony. They go there in order to be suited to go out and get work playing music.

I had a brother who was not a particularly shining student in high school, but he bloomed in college because he was finally choosing what he wanted to study and going to classes that would get him somewhere he wanted to go. That change in motivation can make all the difference.

Remember, too, that there are many college graduates out there who have no more to show for with their degree than student loans. They got degrees, but they still wound up in non-skilled jobs. That’s not the end of the world if someone goes in more for self-development than salary, but it is very discouraging for those who got that degree hoping for more. Meanwhile, others their age may have gotten trained to be electricians or plumbers, and they’re out making a nice salary and are valued employees. It doesn’t really take a college degree to “get ahead”, then, but rather training that develops you as an employee.
 
This happened to my sister, except that she applied to something like 6 schools and was rejected by all of them. Why? She sent in the applications late! It was her own fault.

Her high school guidance counselor really saved the day. The guidance counselor somehow was able to come up with a list of schools that still had openings for the fall and helped her apply to those schools. They weren’t Harvard or Yale, but they were good, solid 4-year colleges. She was accepted at two and did wind up matriculating in the fall.

Another route of course is to take a year and live at home and go to an “open admission” type school (where they accept >50% of applicants) to get some credits going and get some good grades on his record. A nearby small state college, if not a community college, might be the right place. Then, he can reapply at his dream school and possibly some other realistic colleges with a much improved academic resume. He might also take this opportunity to add some volunteer work to his schedule, which will also look great on an application.

I personally see nothing wrong the parents guiding college admission and especially college choice, although obviously the kid should take responsibility for following through with the actions. The voice of experience is really important. No 18-year-old really knows what he is getting himself into.
 
Juliane,

I have come to believe that God places the children of praying parents where he wants them for reasons that may not be clear to either the parents or the child. Accepting God’s will is critical and allowing God’s peace to fill you. Only in this way can you help your boy pick up the pieces and move forward with dignity and hope. Do not let fear cause you to do things that will damage your sons ability to think and act on his own, or create a rift between you. I have found that silence is a powerful, loving response when a young man has troubles like this.

I am very, very sorry that your son experienced this, but these days it is not enough to apply to anything less than four or five colleges. That being said (I have two in college, one in medical school), as a mother of two recent Jesuit grads, I think the place to begin to cobble together a solution is your Jesuit college counselor. Are you at Strake? On spring break this week? You are paying top dollar for a private education and you should get some answers as to what led to this outcome. The college counselor should have stepped in months ago, but perhaps he did and your son didn’t follow all of the advice given. But that’s water under the bridge now. Call or email the counselor and make an appointment for the three of you (or four if your husband is involved). It could be that a teacher wrote a less than admirable letter of recommendation, or that his scores were weak, the list goes on and on and on. Does your Jesuit have Naviance? Are you on Naviance? I would also look at enrolling in a SAT or ACT prep class and re-taking that test as soon as he is confident that he can raise his scores. The ACT is different from the SAT and he might have a better outcome with that test. Don’t leave the counselors office without a written plan in hand, as well as an appointment for a follow up meeting in April. Stay upbeat and let the counselor help your son. You can speak to the counselor privately at a different time, when your son isn’t around.

I would also like to recommend Blinn College at College Station/Bryan, if your son is at all interested in applying at TAMU.

blinn.edu/brazos/index.htm

St. Mary’s Church in College Station is awesome.

You have gotten a lot of great advice here. I understand what you are going through. I don’t post much about the troubles I have had with my sons, but I have had them. The troubles are as much about me and my husband as they are about my sons. It is a very tough time to be a young man. Please meet with your Jesuit college counselor and find out what went wrong and with that counselor forge a plan. Let the counselor talk to your son, try to keep quiet. There are colleges that are still accepting applications because they realize that not everyone gets into their first or second choice schools. These may not be the “best” schools, but they could be a perfect fit for your son. Look at the graduation rates. That was one way that we chose the university for our oldest son because we knew he needed a campus that successfully gets kids out the door in four years. Your son is strong and he will get through this. God love all of you.

Peace,

Cupofkindness
 
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