College refusal - where do we go from here?

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks so much to everyone for the suggestions, the support, and the success stories of people who did it their own way! I know our son can salvage this and that even if both of us have made mistakes along the way, God is guiding us toward His goal for our son. The challenge for me is in actually living that out, not just knowing it in my head.

While taking a “gap year,” or working for a while is one option, I rather agree with Cupofkindness, that it isn’t the optimum at this point. I am concerned that once our son is out of the academic routine, it will be much harder to re-enter. I know this first-hand, because I started college at age 25. I had been on my own for 7 years by that point, and I kept working my way through. Not a bad way to go, but it takes longer. And there were several periods where I had to give up classes and just work for a while - my stress levels were too high or the college offerings weren’t good.

The guidance counselor is going to call me today. We will schedule a meeting with him next week, and see what to do from here. If it means taking the SAT again, applying for another school, or whatever, we’ll do it. We love our son and want him to at least give university his best try. We believe that he can do it.

If anyone else wants to offer suggestions or even criticism, I’m a big girl and I can take it. I see my own shortcomings (usually) and can admit them. (However, take ME on, and not my kid…LOL)

 

[Cat]

First–I think we need to be really careful about the attitude that “my dreams are destroyed.”

This is the kind of attitude that causes many young women to seek abortions. They have a certain life plan in their minds, and when a pregnancy happens, they think that their dreams are destroyed…unless they terminate the pregnancy.

Our secular culture supports this kind of thinking with caveats like, “Don’t let anything get in the way of your dreams.” Even our President made the comment that “he doesn’t want his daughters burdened with a baby,” implying that their lives would be ruined by an unexpected pregnancy.

This is frankly ridiculous thinking. Many people have a life plan that gets derailed for some reason. In the case of the OPs son, it is a college roadblock. For many others, it is an illness or injury to themselves or a loved one, or perhaps a financial disaster, or a job loss, or a war, or a romance–one of my high school friends was accepted to Oxford University in England, and had big plans academically, but then she met a young pastor, fell in love, got married, and had several children, and she is so very happy that Oxford never happened.

So stop with the “my dreams are gone” thinking, and start thinking, “What’s the next turn on the road of my life?”

And stop thinking, “Plan B.” This implies that Plan A was “better” than Plan B. No, not at all. It’s different, not better.

Stop all the negative thinking and start thinking, “How exciting! What should I do next? What does life have in store for me?”

Finally, make sure that you don’t forget about God in all this. HE has plans, and they may not necessarily match the plans that we have. His plans often seem silly to us, but in the end, our happiness is best-served when we are right in the center of God’s will, no matter how foolish His will seems to the rest of the world.

I think many people have made some good suggestions on this thread so far. Here’s my take–frankly, I’m absolutely flabbergasted that the OPs son was turned down by the college. So many colleges are actively seeking “challenged” individuals with disabilities, injuries, and illnesses. They WANT people who have faced adversity and triumphed over it.

So perhaps that’s the problem–the OP’s son is not giving the impression in his applications that he has triumphed over his adversaries.

So my suggestion is to hire someone who can help the young man create college applications and essays that highlight his successes over his various disabilities and personal shortcomings. This will make him much more appealing to colleges who are looking for individuals who are overcomers.

There is probably someone in the parish who can help the young man with his applications. Are there any retired schoolteachers? Scoutmasters? How about the pastor?

The second part of my suggestions is to apply to more than two colleges. There are so many many colleges right now that are looking for students to recruit. Don’t be so quick to give up. Look around. Both of my daughters filled out at least a dozen applications.

I would suggest Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I know it’s not in Texas and seems very far away. But it’s not that expensive, and it has a policy of accepting almost everyone who applies due to their philosophy, which is that many students botch things up in high school for various reasons. Calvin College believes that these students deserve a chance to go to college, too. So they accept almost everyone. It’s a Calvinist college, but there are many excellent Catholic churches in the city, and the school does not require chapel or any kind of religious practice. It is a NON-DRINKING campus, and because so many of the students come from Reformed families, they truly don’t drink on campus. Off campus, they do drink. The entire campus is designed in the style of Frank Lloyd Wright, so it’s ideal if you like that kind of architecture! And it’s a darn good school. My daughter graduated from it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Cat, Obama’s actual words were “…I don’t want them PUNISHED with a baby.” My mouth dropped open when I heard that sound byte. Punished with a baby??? What a horrible statement of his beliefs! But not to veer too far OT…

Yes, thanks for the reminder about the “death of dreams,” and just to let you know, I am not using that term in any way around my son. TO him I am just saying this is a challenge that we (he) needs to meet. And I asked him not to completely rule out going to that college, even if they did reject him at first. It could be that there is another way to approach it, that we aren’t aware of. As I said, neither my husband nor me have gone through the system in the traditional way - He only went to grad school here, and I started at age 25, one night class at a time.

We were asked to fill out “brag sheets,” for the guidance counselor and the teachers in order to write recommendation letters. We did discuss his resilience and fortitude in those letters. They were great recommendations! But I don’t think HE mentioned his challenges in his essays. He did the A and B essay and not the extra one, which I didn’t even know about until Tuesday myself.

Anyway, we will get more information from the guidance counselor and make decisions after that. I want someone to come alongside him that KNOWS what to do now, and if the guidance counselor is not the right person, then someone else at the school needs to step in and help.

 

[Cat]

I’m sure everything will work out, TheRealJulianne. It’s just the waiting that’s so hard. It seems that our lives sometimes hit a “holding pattern” where we are stuck waiting for the next phase. We can’t move without someone else making a move first, and it’s so frustrating for us to simply wait for the next “thing.” Arrgh!

Anyway, I would like to make a few comments to those who maintain that the arts can’t be a career.

Yes, the arts can be a wage-earning career, but it takes some special talents.

My daughter started working in the theater when she was in high school, and she’s now 29 (in a few weeks). In all these years, she has never been without paying work in the theater. During her undergraduate years and for the first few years after she graduated, she usually had at least two shows going and turned down work almost every week because she was so busy.

Now that she has her MFA and is in Equity, she usually is only able to take on one show, but she has a lot of other side jobs in theater that earn her additional income.

She has quite a few close friends in the theater, including boyfriends and ex-boyfriends, and they all earn a living in theater work, too. Some of them are actors, so I’m not just talking about techies!

Those who make a living in the arts have one thing in common–they network like crazy!

My daughter has been networking and building up her contacts since she was in high school. She keeps extensive records of her contacts. She writes down names and details, and when she meets someone, she is almost always able to establish some connection.

She has always been interested in people and even as a baby, was outgoing, friendly, and a good talker and listener. She loves going new places and meeting new people. While other kids were hiding behind their mommy, my daughter was waving goodbye as she ran off to whatever new place I took her! She couldn’t WAIT to meet everyone there!

My husband and I believe that she inherited these skills from her grandfather (my father), who literally knows someone whereever he goes. In fact, often in restaurants, stores, hospitals, walking along the street, etc., people will wave and greet him with joy–it was always fun for my daughters to be with him because he inevitably knew someone! They loved watching this happen!

And I think my daughter is the same way–it’s fun going to a restaurant with her in her current city because the waiters and management all know her, and other customers chat her up, and it’s just fun. She attracts people because she is attracted to other people.

Some people think that those in the arts are self-centered, but nothing could be further from the truth. Artists that make a living are people-centered and sociable.

When she was in college, my daughter attended parties, gallery openings, opening nights of shows and concerts, meetings, etc.–anything where she could meet people in the theater world. There was one particular event, a benefit, that cost her $25–a fortune to a college kid, plus she had to wear formal dress! Several of the people at the event commented that she was really dedicated to spend so much money to attend, but she simply smiled and told them that she felt that it was an important cause and that she needed to be there. And those people remembered her dedication, and called her later to offer her work.

The first week that she arrived in her college town, she was on the phone calling every regional and community theater in the area asking if they had any openings for interns or if the needed volunteers. She called at least 30 theaters before one of them offered her a small position as a house manager. She jumped at it, and did such a good job that within the year, she was assistant stage managing. This of course led to other work in the area, and before the end of her freshman year, she pretty much knew everyone in the city, and they knew her and were happy to hire her for all kinds of work in their theaters.

Eventually all of this paid off with a full-time position in one of the companies in the area.

When she moved to go to grad school, she did the same thing, only she has added all the social media to her networking. (It didn’t exist when she was in college). She is constantly on Twitter, Facebook, or one of the many other social networks, making and maintaining contacts.

So yes, it is possible to make a living in the arts, but one must be capable of networking and aggressive about seeking out more contacts and more work.

I think that the OP’s son needs to be brutally honest with himself and assess whether or not he has these networking skills, or is able to develop these skills. I personally think it’s a gift, but I also believe that someone who is not particulary gifted in social skills CAN and MUST learn to network if they expect to make a living in the arts. If the aspiring artist does not possess networking skills and is not willing or able to acquire them, then perhaps the best thing to do is make the arts a beloved hobby.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That is excellent information, Cat. Now, if I tried to tell my son all of that, he would blow me off immediately, “You don’t know ANYTHING, Mom!” It would have to come from someone in the music world for him to listen.

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person, full of energy, enthusiasm, talent and vivaciousness. Very outgoing and magnetic. She’s got the personality for her chosen profession, that’s for sure.

I don’t think my son has that same amount of confidence, not at this point at least. But time will tell. He is going to grow from this experience, whether he enjoys it or not. Painful things ALWAYS cause us to grow, or growing is always painful, either way.

 

[ACCT]

I’m just going to pour out my heart and hope this thread helps someone else in a similar position.

Our son has had his struggles in high school. His grades were not stellar. He is at a difficult Jesuit college prep, and he’s got ADHD. He’s also gone through a rebellious phase where he wouldn’t listen to much we told him, but he turned that around after his girlfriend dumped him in the fall of last year. Unfortunately his GPA didn’t come up until this year.

He applied at 2 colleges, one of which he pretty much knew he wasn’t getting into. He didn’t apply out of state because of the cost - he has no chance of getting an academic scholarship and we are not in any category that would stand a chance of getting any other type of scholarship. He did his best on the SAT and we thought his score was pretty good. He didn’t take it a 2nd time.

Well, the college he had his heart set on has turned him down. There are things I would have done differently if I could go back and do them again, but now it’s too late. He is devastated, his pride is hurt, and he’s scared about what to do next.

My husband went through the English school system, and I didn’t start college until I was 25, and I went through community college first. We didn’t know all the ins and outs of applying, testing, etc. I guess that is no excuse but I feel that I have let him down pretty much his whole life, by just not doing things to help him. We have done the best we could but evidently, it hasn’t been enough.

Everyone has to go to college these days or there doesn’t seem to be anything else for them. He’s got a talent for music but not enough for something like Julliard - it’s not classical music or anything, not prodigy level.

He’s an average kid, and it seems no one wants an average kid anywhere. Even when I was searching for a military school or a boarding school, even THOSE places all said they wanted the “exceptional” students!!!

I feel like his school counselor failed him too. He put Biology as his major and someone said if he had just put General Studies or something really light, he might have gotten in. I can’t contact the school because it’s spring break. I want to do SOMETHING and I hate feeling helpless and hopeless.

Is it wrong to want your kid to catch a break? He’s got ADHD and celiac disease - both of which have impacted his life incredibly. He’s had his struggles but he’s come through difficult times and he’s an amazing guy now. He has a job, that he’s held for a year. He’s led 2 Kairos retreats and a freshman welcome retreat. He’s staying chaste.

I know I should have faith that God will take my son where he should go but I’m afraid for him. Where do we go from here? It seems too late to start applying anywhere else now. Community college? If he just starts working I fear that he will never go to college. And back to where I started - that everyone is expected to go to college now days, even people who will wash out after their first semester but the place they took is one he might have stayed in.

I feel that I have let him down.

Worry is useless. What is needed is trust in God.

I was rejected by Notre Dame, Cornell University and Harvard. However, I have 3 degrees at three different universities. Additionally, I passed all four of the CPA exams. My wife is a retired professor from a local state college. She has four degrees, including a doctorate. It does not matter too much where you get your undergraduate college degree. Open up your college search to ALL of your state universities.

High School GPA is only part of the equation of getting into college. Passing the college entrance exams is far more important! Find out the requirements from each of the colleges where your son applies to. Every college is different.

It sounds like your son did not pass the SAT exam. Study for and retake the SAT until he gets the score a college requires. Log on to a SAT forum such as the one that I listed below. If a low SAT score is the problem, find out how to improve the score from people on the forum

talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/

Encourage your son to get into a profession, such as engineering, accounting or nursing. When my son was in high school, he thought that a D was good enough. His high school GPA was C–, a boderline D. However, his college GPA in engineering was 3.52 (I told him that he needed a 3.5 GPA to get a good job.)

My son graduated from a no-name state college in mechanical engineering and got five job offers from $64,000 to $75,000 right out of college. The big 4 CPA firms offer accounting graduates who are working on their CPA $55,000 in salary.

I can teach any college student to be a 4.0 GPA student. The secret is to rewrite your notes. Tell your son to sit on the first row in class, record the entire lecture and to take notes. Go back to the dorm and rewrite his notes. If he does this for every class, I guarantee him a 4.0 GPA!

If your son takes this challenge seriously, and puts in the prayer and work time, he will get into college! I guarantee.

 

[ILoveRoses]

I hadn’t even thought to add this, but I was rejected from certain grad schools that I was desperate to go to. I had to take the “lesser” option of going to the school I didn’t want to and I was upset about that.

As a side note, my mother took me on a religious excursion to Medjugorge the summer I graduated college and just 2 months before I started grad school. While on our trip, a nun prayed over me and said she had been told by God that he loved me very much and that something big was going to happen to me. Something like that. It wasn’t weird like it sounds, bit was actually a very peaceful and nice moment. But I was young enough I didn’t make a big deal out of it and kind of just ignored it. Well that, or I figured it meant I was starting grad school soon, even though it wasn’t where I would have ever “wanted” to go.

Well, 2 months later I had my first day of school. Within 2 minutes of being there, literally, I met the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, my husband. It was instant. I should have left school 1 minute after that as we were together from that moment, and my entire purpose of going there was to meet my husband. I knew that instantly once I met him. God took me on that path for one reason only. I did get a good education, don’t get me wrong, but I could have gotten that education at many other places.

I was at that specific place and time to ensure the rest of my future

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I hadn’t even thought to add this, but I was rejected from certain grad schools that I was desperate to go to. I had to take the “lesser” option of going to the school I didn’t want to and I was upset about that.

As a side note, my mother took me on a religious excursion to Medjugorge the summer I graduated college and just 2 months before I started grad school. While on our trip, a nun prayed over me and said she had been told by God that he loved me very much and that something big was going to happen to me. Something like that. It wasn’t weird like it sounds, bit was actually a very peaceful and nice moment. But I was young enough I didn’t make a big deal out of it and kind of just ignored it. Well that, or I figured it meant I was starting grad school soon, even though it wasn’t where I would have ever “wanted” to go.

Well, 2 months later I had my first day of school. Within 2 minutes of being there, literally, I met the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, my husband. It was instant. I should have left school 1 minute after that as we were together from that moment, and my entire purpose of going there was to meet my husband. I knew that instantly once I met him. God took me on that path for one reason only. I did get a good education, don’t get me wrong, but I could have gotten that education at many other places.

I was at that specific place and time to ensure the rest of my future

:clapping:

With all those smileys, there isn’t one for WOW? I mean, what a story. Incredible what God plans for us. And we just have no idea until it happens.

Thanks for sharing your inspirational story. I hope this thread has helped and will help others as well. It has already blessed me a lot.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Worry is useless. What is needed is trust in God.

I was rejected by Notre Dame, Cornell University and Harvard. However, I have 3 degrees at three different universities. Additionally, I passed all four of the CPA exams. My wife is a retired professor from a local state college. She has four degrees, including a doctorate. It does not matter too much where you get your undergraduate college degree. Open up your college search to ALL of your state universities.

High School GPA is only part of the equation of getting into college. Passing the college entrance exams is far more important! Find out the requirements from each of the colleges where your son applies to. Every college is different.

It sounds like your son did not pass the SAT exam. Study for and retake the SAT until he gets the score a college requires. Log on to a SAT forum such as the one that I listed below. If a low SAT score is the problem, find out how to improve the score from people on the forum

talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/

Encourage your son to get into a profession, such as engineering, accounting or nursing. When my son was in high school, he thought that a D was good enough. His high school GPA was C–, a boderline D. However, his college GPA in engineering was 3.52 (I told him that he needed a 3.5 GPA to get a good job.)

My son graduated from a no-name state college in mechanical engineering and got five job offers from $64,000 to $75,000 right out of college. The big 4 CPA firms offer accounting graduates who are working on their CPA $55,000 in salary.

I can teach any college student to be a 4.0 GPA student. The secret is to rewrite your notes. Tell your son to sit on the first row in class, record the entire lecture and to take notes. Go back to the dorm and rewrite his notes. If he does this for every class, I guarantee him a 4.0 GPA!

If your son takes this challenge seriously, and puts in the prayer and work time, he will get into college! I guarantee.

He did pass the SAT, his total score was around 1925, the reading and math scores 1260. The school he applied to has a minimum of 1200 for admittance. We knew his math score wasn’t that high but thought the total score was judged, not the score without writing. We have been complacent, but without adequate knowledge.

Funny you should mention re-writing the notes. His older brother does exactly that, and is on the Dean’s List this year. So far, he’s only gotten 1 B that I can recall, the rest are A’s. Of course most of his coursework is math or engineering, so math and more math. But yes, he told me he re-copies his notes after every class or at least after he gets back to his apartment.

Thanks for the support.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Update:

The guidance counselor called me this morning, and my husband and I are going to meet with him on Monday. We decided to do this without Jonathan first, because both DH and I want to express our concern that the counselor did not steer our son in a realistic direction much sooner than this year. We don’t want our son to have any more ammo to feel that he has been a victim of circumstance - he had more to do with this than anyone else.

The counselor told me that it was his low GPA more than any other factor. We will see what else we can do at this point. He thought perhaps the school could review and look at our son’s grades from this year. We will get more information on Monday.

Thanks again for all the support and helpful suggestions.

 

[kbachler]

Hey RJ,

This story is a little long, but like your own and your husbands shows how someone can address challenges, perhaps if you take it to heart and share it with your son, it will help. Sometimes its better to look at someone else’s challenges because it doesn’t have the same emotional feel as looking at your own.

My father worked hard all of his life - too much in fact. I was a stellar student in HS, and frankly in HS I was bored. I got A’s on tests without doing much homework, so I didn’t see the point to the homework - so I ended up with C’s in classes (because homework was graded.)

The tail end of my junior year and my senior year I met a girl who was bright and who studied, and my grades came up to straight A’s. Back then the ACT was at least as important as the SAT and I had very good scores there. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I didn’t really apply anywhere. I couldn’t afford it and I knew my family couldn’t so I just never talked about it.

I started taking classes at a nearby (half hour drive) community college at night during my senior year. I continued there for a couple of years while I worked and then managed a book store. I got married too young (at age 21 - eventually annulled 11 years later) and started to make plans to go to a 4-year school. To afford it this typically meant a big state school - and my wife was overwhelmed by the size. I ended up turning down a significant offer and continued to work my way through college part time.

This was difficult because I was a mathematics major, and upper level math courses are hard to come by at night. So I ended up taking classes from multiple schools. Eventually I had all the classes I needed for my major, but typically the last 30 semester hours need to be at one school in order to graduate from there. I didn’t have that. So I took about 6 months off and attended a small liberal arts college that had Great Books program and a good academic tradition - that last year was the most fun I ever had in school.

It took me - from beginning to end - 12 years to complete college. Through friends I got better jobs, and was eventually a successful consultant. (Who is now hurting horribly in the downturn! Just another challenge.)

I would also share that my son - unlike my wife or I - had numerous advantages in going to college. But he still blew getting into grad school - wasn’t prepared - rushed necessary paperwork - and didn’t get in. Only through the help of friends was he able to attend a second tier school - and now he is working on making the best of his difficult career as a result of that.

My point is that I made a lot of mistakes, a lot of poor decisions, but persistance pays off. I love this quote:

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. - Calvin Coolidge

It can be done under any circumstance.

The first thing you do is you all shake off the dust. It’s blow, but its not over. The second thing you do is develop a plan. It can be any plan. A bad plan is better than no plan. ONLY DOING NOTHING is wrong.

Has he visited this school (and other schools?) He needs to decide if this school is THE school or are there other schools that will do?

He should look into inexpensive junior colleges nearby. And he should contact an entrance counselor at his school of choice. He should meet with them on his own. And he should say along these lines:

“This is my school of choice, but I didn’t do what I needed to to gain entrance here. That’s on me and I accept that. I would like to correct that mistake. I intend to go to a community college for a year to improve my grades, but also to work on study habits and on other things that I need to address to enroll here and be successful here. I’d appreciate whatever direction you can provide to help be develop a plan to do that, including how I can check in with the school here to make certain I am on track.”

Your role is to support him, talk things through with him, make sure that he takes action without nagging (i.e. don’t be TOO much of a mom.) Set up a penalty for failure (perhaps he has no additional expenses so long as he is accomplishing his goals, but incremental failure brings incremental cost.)

If he needs to see someone special to work on study habits, help him get that assistance.

RJ, I made many of the same kinds of mistakes above. I made it. He can too. If you can give direction and get assistance, he can do it in a better time frame than I did.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

kbachler,

Thanks for sharing your story. I love getting to know more about forum members. There are some rather amazing success stories of people who didn’t do things the traditional way.

Your school history sounds a lot like mine. School was never a challenge to me and I don’t say that to brag. I am convinced that intelligence alone is more of a handicap to success than an asset, because it sure can lead to laziness and an entitled attitude. I got bored, also when I entered high school I wasn’t the only smart person there and I felt out of my element and uncomfortable. The smart people at my high school were also over-achievers and were in clubs, etc. I was more introverted and felt intimidated because I came from a very poor background, and these kids were middle-class to upper middle class, the Golden Ones. I found friendship with stoners and my grades tanked. The Holy Spirit helped me wake up one day, but I, like you, knew that college was out of reach of my father so I never applied nor took any standardized tests, and my father believed that working a steady job was the highest value in life, not education for its own sake. He only told me 15 years later than I had been eligible for scholarships but had blown them all. Did he mean to keep me from attending college? I will never know. I wouldn’t put it past him, he grew up during the Depression and was always very proud of me when I was working and supporting myself.

I am going to keep these messages and show them to my son. You are 100% right that HIS actions and HIS decisions about this have to drive what happens next. I am not going to storm up to the school and demand that they let him in. Yes, he has been there several times as we visited his brother over the last 3 years. He knows the community, he knows the traditions, he insists that he likes the school for its own sake and not only because his brother is there. So…forward we go.

 

[Bklynguy]

No, HE needs to contact the college and find this out. Not his mom.

No, HE needs to contact the college and ask about transfer requirements. Not his mom.

No, HE needs to call the college and ask if changing to a different major would make a difference. Not his mom.

And, finally, HE needs to call and ask about wait-listing. Not mom.

I couldn’t agree more with everything here. And no, you didn’t let him down–not even close.
Community college is certainly not a bad thing. I started off there, then when on to finish my four-year degree and then a Master’s.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I couldn’t agree more with everything here. And no, you didn’t let him down–not even close.
Community college is certainly not a bad thing. I started off there, then when on to finish my four-year degree and then a Master’s.

Well, thanks. We found out today that HE did hear from UT and they offered him to start in San Antonio, which is a quite respectable offer considering his GPA. He did not see fit to even tell us about it, but has LIED to us all along, telling us he had not heard from UT.

I am pretty unhappy about this. I don’t know what his game is but I’m going to find out.

 

[Corki]

Well, thanks. We found out today that HE did hear from UT and they offered him to start in San Antonio, which is a quite respectable offer considering his GPA. He did not see fit to even tell us about it, but has LIED to us all along, telling us he had not heard from UT.

I am pretty unhappy about this. I don’t know what his game is but I’m going to find out.

Wow, that’s good news (the admission, not the lying). UT is even harder to get into than A&M, even at one of their non-Austin campuses. Maybe once he gets over his initial disappointment about not going to Aggieland, he will be able to refocus on a new path.

 

[kbachler]

Wow, that’s good news (the admission, not the lying). UT is even harder to get into than A&M, even at one of their non-Austin campuses. Maybe once he gets over his initial disappointment about not going to Aggieland, he will be able to refocus on a new path.

I have a friend that went to UT-Austin (recently) for work on software/computers. He seems very happy with his experience there.

 

[Bklynguy]

Well, thanks. We found out today that HE did hear from UT and they offered him to start in San Antonio, which is a quite respectable offer considering his GPA. He did not see fit to even tell us about it, but has LIED to us all along, telling us he had not heard from UT.

I am pretty unhappy about this. I don’t know what his game is but I’m going to find out.

Awesome! I didn’t see in your original post where you are from—and I only scanned all the previous posts. However, is UT far from you? Perhaps he thought you would say no, and that is why he didn’t tell you. I’m not excusing the lying, but that is a very real possibility.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, unfortunately, more was revealed late last night after I asked him to show me the offer from UT…he started scrambling around on the computer, typing things in, clicking around, etc. and then started expressing surprise because the website for UT was asking him to submit his essays!! “What???” he feigned shock over this. More typing and clicking, and exasperated noises.

As if he could fool me into thinking there was some mistake. I knew immediately that he had never completed the UT application process. He had counted so much on getting into A&M that he gambled everything and lost. I was so disappointed, I can’t even tell you. He is sorry for the lies and the decision not to complete the on line application, but it does no good now. He has missed the deadline to apply for UT, and while I doubt that he would have been admitted to Austin, he really may have been offered San Antonio.

My heart is so heavy today. I still have to tell my husband, I could not do it last night or this morning. He is going to be extremely disappointed about this, and could get very angry at our son for his dishonesty. I don’t know whether we should also tell his guidance counselor - of course our son doesn’t want us to tell anyone, because he is ashamed of himself, but maybe the counselor will have some way to get him considered even at a later date. However it does not speak well of his character…in many ways.

It is incredible how much he can hobble himself with his character defects. Yet all lies come to the surface eventually and then the consequences are experienced.

I just don’t know what will happen from here on out. Most likely scenario now is community college from home. What a shame.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, unfortunately, more was revealed late last night after I asked him to show me the offer from UT…he started scrambling around on the computer, typing things in, clicking around, etc. and then started expressing surprise because the website for UT was asking him to submit his essays!! “What???” he feigned shock over this. More typing and clicking, and exasperated noises.

As if he could fool me into thinking there was some mistake. I knew immediately that he had never completed the UT application process. He had counted so much on getting into A&M that he gambled everything and lost. I was so disappointed, I can’t even tell you. He is sorry for the lies and the decision not to complete the on line application, but it does no good now. He has missed the deadline to apply for UT, and while I doubt that he would have been admitted to Austin, he really may have been offered San Antonio.

My heart is so heavy today. I still have to tell my husband, I could not do it last night or this morning. He is going to be extremely disappointed about this, and could get very angry at our son for his dishonesty. I don’t know whether we should also tell his guidance counselor - of course our son doesn’t want us to tell anyone, because he is ashamed of himself, but maybe the counselor will have some way to get him considered even at a later date. However it does not speak well of his character…in many ways.

It is incredible how much he can hobble himself with his character defects. Yet all lies come to the surface eventually and then the consequences are experienced.

I just don’t know what will happen from here on out. Most likely scenario now is community college from home. What a shame.

You can afford to be disappointed and yet compassionate with him, because the consequences will punish him more strictly than you ever could.

He lied to you, and probably to himself, but not to the colleges. He may have to spend a year at a community college, but many, many student athletes do this when they don’t get selected by an elite football or basketball program in their freshman year. Many good students who could go anywhere but have an eye on saving money do it. More to the point, many many students who need to work on their academic skills do it, and many of the community colleges and junior colleges may well have better resources for that.

I would suggest that you look into the quality of the community colleges and junior colleges open to him. Paying to live away from home for a better junior college would be worth it if there is any significant difference in how credits transfer or the retention percentage of former students who transfer to universities of the level your son is aiming for.

I would make this about habits and choices when you talk to him about it, and not use the phrase “character defect.” Do not give him the impression that this situation is due to anything in him that he cannot change by deciding to change, or that he faces temptations that “better” people don’t face or never choose to give in to. That is not an “out” he should give himself. Rather, he is going to pay dearly for this learning experience–and that will include the work of earning your trust back–and he ought to make sure he makes the most of the lesson. This is one class he does not *ever *want to repeat!!!

 

[MadameHardy]

It is really, really hard when you find out a kid has been lying to you; I’m sorry. That combined with the college stuff has to be a major blow.

When I look at all the things your son has been doing put together – applying to only one college, dropping grades, doing badly on the SAT – he’s sabotaging himself. He doesn’t have to be explicitly saying “I am going to keep myself from going to college”; all he has to do is not-quite-get-around-to the things that he knows he has to do. He succeeded.

So the question is why? It’s easy to tell yourself “laziness” (I once did, in a different situation). In the end, after a lot of pain, it turned out my son had severe social anxiety and was being bullied in school. What I thought was the problem – not getting work done, not turning it in – was a symptom; it wasn’t the real problem at all.

I’m not saying your son is the same as my son; far, far, FAR from it. I am wondering if it would be useful for your son to go, not just to the college counselor, but to a family counselor. The reason I’m suggesting this is that your son might choose to sabotage himself again, if he doesn’t confront the reasons he did it this time. Once you know the reasons, your son can deal with them. It’s useful to confront the deep behaviors, not just the results.

Hang in there.