College son failing

[jmjMom9]

My very sweet 20 year old son is doing very poorly at Community College. He’s always been a bit behind maturing in some ways–got his first job at 18, his driver’s license shortly after, struggles with new social situations, etc.

He’s studying art with the goal of attending an art tech school a few states away. He wants to build his portfolio and achieve his associates in fine arts (not sure what practical use it will be). Fortunately, with the low tuition of community college and a Pell grant, he’s able to do his college costs so far without any loans.

However, despite being very smart, he’s not doing well at all. Mostly, he’s not turning things in on time or missing assignments all together. He’s working about 15 hours a week and taking 12 credit hours. Even in his art classes, he’s getting B’s and C’s. He’s on academic probation.

I think he’s a little lonely, but when we encourage him to join the Catholic Student Union (at a nearby campus) or even think about transferring to a on campus situation, he says no. He spends too much time either surfing the web or playing video games. We talked to him again tonight about making a plan to do better, but he just says, “I know. I know.” I think he wants to be better, but is just having a hard time with self discipline.

We even suggested dropping out, getting a better job (he works fast food), and working on his portfolio by taking private classes, but he says he wants to finish his associates.

It’s hard to see him so stalled out. He has struggled with social anxiety growing up, but always did well academically. His coursework is not demanding at all.

He attends Sunday Mass every week, but as far as I can see, that’s all he does spiritually.

Any parents been through this? Any advice?

 

[mandajane]

I’m not a parent, but I’m someone who went through something very similar when I was 18. So, first, a little clarification on some stuff: Are you paying for any of his college or does he have to work? I ask because a 12 hour course load and a part time job can be very hard for people with mental health issues, which, sadly, art students often are. Even something as simple as an anxiety issue can make it seem impossible. He needs time to relax and do his own thing, and when you look at a 12 hour course load, plus the recommended amount of study time (double the time you spend in class), plus a 15 hour a week job, that comes out to 53 hours a week, of working on stuff.

Another thing to consider is, what was his upbringing like? How much structure did your family put into his day? How much was he left up to his own devices? He may have simply never LEARNED to be self-motivating, or how to handle a low-schedule lifestyle. If this is the case, it may be best for him to take a year or so off of college, just to have him find himself, and his bearing as an adult in the world.

Regardless, as a parent, you need to be supportive. He’s trying to figure out where he is as an adult, versus as a child, and that can be TERRIFYING! When your parents have held your hand growing up, then you’re suddenly an adult, and responsible for yourself? It can be hard.

I know I don’t have easy answers for you, but there aren’t any, really. All I can say is that he needs your support and understanding, and perhaps see if you can take the job off his plate so he can focus more on school and his personal growth.

 

[Abba]

Hello jmjMom9,

How blessed you are with a son that goes to Mass every Sunday, is not a drug addict and generally speaking is doing well. Be happy.

My very sweet 20 year old son is doing very poorly at Community College. He’s always been a bit behind maturing in some ways–got his first job at 18, his driver’s license shortly after, struggles with new social situations, etc.

I have a seventeen and twenty year old. Well, some boys mature at a slower pace but they catch up. He got his driver’s license already! That’s great! Most of the kids I know which go up to 20 and 21 who are friends of my sons do not have their license. So, your son is doing pretty good, I say.

He’s studying art with the goal of attending an art tech school a few states away. He wants to build his portfolio and achieve his associates in fine arts (not sure what practical use it will be). Fortunately, with the low tuition of community college and a Pell grant, he’s able to do his college costs so far without any loans.

That’s terrific, he is studying what he likes and has plans and goals on how he wants to proceed. I would encourage and support him all the way. Even if it comes to the point of having to take out loans. That’s life. He may just get a good job or figure out how to make a good income (who knows maybe in the internet) and pay the loans once he graduates. He should not limit his educational goals because of a few loans that he may have to repay once he is done with his college education.

However, despite being very smart, he’s not doing well at all. Mostly, he’s not turning things in on time or missing assignments all together. He’s working about 15 hours a week and taking 12 credit hours. Even in his art classes, he’s getting B’s and C’s. He’s on academic probation.

Ummm,

I think he’s a little lonely, but when we encourage him to join the Catholic Student Union (at a nearby campus) or even think about transferring to a on campus situation, he says no. He spends too much time either surfing the web or playing video games. We talked to him again tonight about making a plan to do better, but he just says, “I know. I know.” I think he wants to be better, but is just having a hard time with self discipline.

The ‘I know, I know’ I think any teacher would tell you that it is a pretty common response.

I was just speaking with a friend of my youngest son this afternoon who was over to play video games. He has a 3.4 and got 2100 on the SAT. Not bad. He is writing his college essay on how good it is to play League of Legends and how much it has helped him. Definitely, a courageous and unique topic. In the essay he writes that he actually did some socializing within the games, in the internet in general and via skype.

We even suggested dropping out, getting a better job (he works fast food), and working on his portfolio by taking private classes, but he says he wants to finish his associates.

Good for him! I would encourage and support him 100%. Sometimes, people go through a little phase of growing up and it affects the grades but it passes. It’s just the growing up coincides with the years of studies and, yeah, sometimes the grades are affected. But, life is not all about grades. I would really support him and ask how I could help and actually be of support. Anything that I could do, I am here. Maybe right now 15 hours of work is a bit much, maybe some side assistance, what ever, but I would be his best friend and number one fan.

It’s hard to see him so stalled out. He has struggled with social anxiety growing up, but always did well academically. His coursework is not demanding at all.

I know. I am familiar with the situation. I would say support him 100%. If he hits rock bottom then maybe that’s what he needs to dedicate himself. But, be there because of one thing that I can assure you, behind that " I know, I know" is the pain of not meeting his own goals. So, he doesn’t need more pressure. You need to figure out how you can best get him back on the horse. It depends on the individual. I like the idea of encouraging him to live in campus in a healthy supportive way.

Is he an only child?

Good luck

 

[vsedriver]

My very sweet 20 year old son is doing very poorly at Community College. He’s always been a bit behind maturing in some ways–got his first job at 18, his driver’s license shortly after, struggles with new social situations, etc.

You’ve got a son like mine. Son #1 is slow to mature, shy, doesn’t like to try new things and really isn’t sure of what he wants to do. He’s a theater major. Basically I’ve been easing him out of the nest a little at a time. He’s now away at school, sharing a dorm room with 3 other guys. A huge, life changing event for him.

I learned to back off and let him do things at his own pace, including failing. That was very hard to do. He failed his first English class. He really doesn’t like academics but he needs time to mature. Amazingly if things get bad he will dive in and bring the grades up. I simply said that if you didn’t maintain a C average you would be out of school. He too, wasn’t turning stuff in on time. He’s had to learn to put himself on a schedual.

That’s all I have said. I listen to him and encourage him but I don’t tell him what to do or how to fix things. I really have to bite my tongue.

So I suggest you relax a little. B’s and C’s aren’t so bad. You don’t have to have all A’s to get a degree. If he fails to the point of dropping out you simply grit your teeth, smile and ask him what his plans are.

It’s harder on my #1 son because #2 son is burning up the academic world. Super high achiever at an expensive private college paid for by scholarships. He’s a double major in philosophy and environmental science. He will be doing his senior cap for philosophy next semester. He’s still only a sophomore. So the contrast between the two is striking.

I pray that my Alex will find something to be passionate about.He just dosens’t have much self confidence.

 

[Eleanor61]

No advice, just echoing what many of the others have said. It is a different world out there for these boys than we faced 20 or 30 years ago. There aren’t jobs and they know it. They work kid jobs next to adults who are supporting families and working 80 hours a week at minimum wage. My 19 year old son’s friends are are depressed and terrified by this. He is a college business major, carries 15 credits and works about 25 hours a week, but he has never been a good student and we help him a lot. He doesn’t play video games and has to be kept busy so spends about 20 hours a week at the gym.

My 26 year old has never been highly motivated. Very simple desires. Brilliant student, went to college and grad school on scholarship/ fellowship, grad school money dried up when Obama was elected ( his specialty was piracy in marine policy ) as did the jobs in that field. He is a casino dealer, makes decent money by today’s standards when so many are unemployed, but it is usually part time as they send you home if not busy. He would like a girl friend, would like to be married,but doesn’t try hard enough and has intellectual standards that girls today are uninterested in, as most of the clever ones have been convinced that western civilization is just a bunch of irrelevant dead white men. He lives at home, pays rent, and plays video games like it is a full time job. I think he is bi-polar, but if it is it is slight and he knows a lot about himself, so if he wanted to make a change I assume he would.

My 28 year old son is an English professor in China. He cannot get a job of any kind in the US, and has taught ESL abroad since he graduated 7 years ago. He is slightly autistic and does not fit in well in social situations for long.

The biggest challenge is going to be faced by us, the parents of these kids. Their future is bleak. Increasing numbers of them will be living at home indefinitely. There is a bona fide depression out there for graduates of the past ten years. How do you make a retirement income stretch to cover one or more adult children living at home? How about having to help the married ones out because their jobs are low paying, like teaching in catholic schools, and you want your daughter to be able to stay home with her babies? This is a part of having a large family most of us didn’t count on.

Not what you asked, but an idea of what a lot of us are facing. Our kids are more fragile than we were and the times are not good to them.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

Could he be be suffering from depression/anxiety Sounds a bit like it. Has he had any diagnosis of mental health issues?

 

[Xantippe]

jmjMom9 said:

“However, despite being very smart, he’s not doing well at all. Mostly, he’s not turning things in on time or missing assignments all together. He’s working about 15 hours a week and taking 12 credit hours. Even in his art classes, he’s getting B’s and C’s. He’s on academic probation.”

Here are some thoughts:

1. Could he have some undiagnosed ADHD? It’s not unusual for ADHD kids to hit the wall in college. Even if he doesn’t have ADHD, there’s probably a study skills center on campus that could help him. Also, there are all sorts of electronic reminder systems.

watchminder.com/uses/ad-hd-ld-and-autism

Can you get him an appointment with a psychologist specializing in ADHD and school situations? It may also be possible to get him some sort of accommodation if he has a diagnosis.

1. 12 credit hours is probably too much right now. The fact that he is getting Bs and Cs in his art classes (which he presumably loves) is particularly worrisome.
2. There is software for computers that will time him out if he is spending too much time online or doing games. An ADHD psychologist will probably know a lot about this stuff.

 

[Em_in_FL]

My very sweet 20 year old son is doing very poorly at Community College. He’s always been a bit behind maturing in some ways–got his first job at 18, his driver’s license shortly after, struggles with new social situations, etc.

He’s studying art with the goal of attending an art tech school a few states away. He wants to build his portfolio and achieve his associates in fine arts (not sure what practical use it will be). Fortunately, with the low tuition of community college and a Pell grant, he’s able to do his college costs so far without any loans.

However, despite being very smart, he’s not doing well at all. Mostly, he’s not turning things in on time or** missing assignments all together**. He’s working about 15 hours a week and taking 12 credit hours. Even in his art classes, he’s getting B’s and C’s. He’s on academic probation.

I think he’s a little lonely, but when we encourage him to join the Catholic Student Union (at a nearby campus) or even think about transferring to a on campus situation, he says no. He spends too much time either surfing the web or playing video games. We talked to him again tonight about making a plan to do better, but he just says, “I know. I know.” I think he wants to be better, but is just having a hard time with self discipline.

We even suggested dropping out, getting a better job (he works fast food), and working on his portfolio by taking private classes, but he says he wants to finish his associates.

It’s hard to see him so stalled out. He has struggled with social anxiety growing up, but always did well academically. His coursework is not demanding at all.

He attends Sunday Mass every week, but as far as I can see, that’s all he does spiritually.

Any parents been through this? Any advice?

So social anxiety seems to be an underlying theme here… are you sure he’s not suffering from depression?
How were his social skills in high school? Did he have any close friends or does he struggle making friends altogether? Obviously there are personality differences between those who like crowds of friends or just having one bestie… but having NONE is a totally different issue.
Friendships help us come out of ourselves… they are a route to sharing our experiences and holding each other accountable in life. GOOD friends will ask how you’re doing in your classes and will arrange study times to meet in the library or will ask to see what cool art projects you’re working on.
If he is totally alone, in a new place, and has a difficult time making friends, then I would definitely be concerned about him being successful. I would suggest considering some counseling or reconsidering being so far from home.

 

[EasterJoy]

…However, despite being very smart, he’s not doing well at all. Mostly, he’s not turning things in on time or missing assignments all together. He’s working about 15 hours a week and taking 12 credit hours. Even in his art classes, he’s getting B’s and C’s. He’s on academic probation…

If he’s going to get the most out of the coursework he’s paying for, he may need more time to get his work done. Twelve hours is not a lot when you only have lecture classes, but it is substantially more when you have “lab” classes that require completing projects.

Perhaps he can back off and save some money, then spend less time working for a salary during academic periods when he returns to school. It is penny-wise and pound-foolish to pay for an education without having the time you personally need to dedicate to doing the coursework right.

This is something to talk to his academic advisor about. He might also go to student advising to see if someone can help him look over how he does time management. Again: If he doesn’t have work that can be fit in a bit here and a bit there, he may be asking himself to do more than he knows.

As for his portfolio, perhaps he can re-do the projects he already did while he is out of formal schooling. Art and writing–unlike, say, chemistry or physics research–are often crafts that can be worked on outside the academic setting, depending on his preferred media.

 

[Cat]

Just for the record, I’m a 56-year-old woman, happily married for 34 years, with two grown daughters who work hard and support themselves in their chosen fields.

OP, your son is 20. Time is a-flyin’ by!

It’s time to call in outside help. You and your husband are too close to him to be able to correctly assess his needs and give him the type of help that he needs.

It’s really hard for parents to do the right thing because we really don’t know what “the right thing” is. We’re not psychiatrists or psychologists, so we can’t correctly diagnose “depression” or “bi-polar syndrome.” We’re not counselors, so we can’t correctly assess the emotional distress that may be contributing to low motivation. We’re not pastors, so it’s hard for us to determine whether our child is suffering from a faith crisis.

If you are too harsh (which is probably what my husband and I would be if we were in your situation), this could do a lot of harm depending on your son’s needs.

However, if you are too lenient, this could also do a lot of harm, and cripple your son for “real life.”

So it’s time for you to get some experts in to determine whether your son has a physical condition, a mental condition, an emotional condition, a spiritual condition, or is showing the effects of a lifetime of parental “errors” and needs some re-training to be able to enter adult life.

People on this thread have suggested doctors, school counselors, college advisers, and other professionals who can assess your son’s physical, mental, and emotional situation to date and determine what steps are necessary for him to achieve success in adult life here in the United States. I would also suggest a priest or pastor to determine his spiritual condition.

Call in as many of these as you can afford! Don’t try to be your son’s psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, life coach, or priest. And don’t rely on well-meant advice from friends and online people like us! We don’t know you or your son! So get people in who have the skills and will be able to help your son.

By the way, when I say “success,” I’m not talking about being a millionaire or even earning a six-figure salary. Success is being able to provide yourself with basic necessities of life such as food, clothing, shelter, etc. If your son can’t be successful according to this definition, he will live a very uncomfortable life in the United States. You know that. You’ve seen the men who don’t have jobs, who live with their parents well into their 40s and 50s, who never have a girlfriend, who just seem to drift through life as eternal children. Don’t let this happen to your son.

It’s time to call in outside help for your son. Don’t let another day go by just hoping that everything will work out, because it probably won’t, and the more time that passes, the harder it will be to change things.

One more thought, and I don’t say this to hurt you, but to help you prepare. When I read through your OP, my first thought is that this young man could be struggling with same-sex attraction and trying to decide whether he is gay. Perhaps he has already decided that he is gay, but he afraid to say anything to his parents that he loves, and that’s why he’s struggling in school–because he’s struggling in life.

High school kids can suppress their sexual orientation because they really don’t have the opportunities in high school culture to “be gay”; e.g., date members of the same sex, join a Gay Rights organization, read gay literature, etc.

When people go to college, they are forced to confront their own sexuality. There are Gay/Lesbian organizations all over campus encouraging homosexuals to come out and be proud. These groups hold socials and mixers, and young adults who are struggling with their identity find acceptance and friendship and fun at these events.

I hope I’m wrong about this, I really do. If you hire a counselor or psychologist for your son, this might be something that comes to light. I hope not. But at least you will be prepared, if that’s even possible for parents.

 

[jmjMom9]

okay, Cat, you are freaking me out.

 

[PhiloMed]

Speaking as someone who also struggled in college, nearly failed some courses, missed a final exam because I wrote down the wrong date but eventually pulled my act together and managed to find a fulfilling and challenging career- maybe he just needs some time to sink before he figures out how to swim.

I think the advice for a learning specialist might be helpful to address specific troubles he might be having.

Not trying to be rude to another poster, but I think Cat’s advice is way over the top and if my parents pulled what she is suggesting I’m not sure I would have been in college at all, not to mention in the life. That would be really overwhelming to have the cavalry called in on me.

 

[PrayRosary]

okay, Cat, you are freaking me out.

This response was GOLD!

You came asking for help with your kid’s motivation, and people call him gay! it’s not funny, but it’s funny.

 

[PhiloMed]

This response was GOLD!

You came asking for help with your kid’s motivation, and people call him gay! it’s not funny, but it’s funny.

I was thinking the same thing. Trouble in school = clearly homosexual?**

 

[Xantippe]

PhiloMed said:

“…maybe he just needs some time to sink before he figures out how to swim.”

One of the options would be to cut down to a one or two class load for this year, increase his work hours, and then revisit things next year (but also to talk to professionals).

A lot of guys especially just need a little bit more time to mature before being ready for college. Think of all the guys who do a few years in the military and then go to college.

 

[PhiloMed]

PhiloMed said:

“…maybe he just needs some time to sink before he figures out how to swim.”

One of the options would be to cut down to a one or two class load for this year, increase his work hours, and then revisit things next year (but also to talk to professionals).

A lot of guys especially just need a little bit more time to mature before being ready for college. Think of all the guys who do a few years in the military and then go to college.

So many of the “boys” I went to high school with were like this. They seemed like they were terrible students. Very immature. Many of them took a bit longer to get through college, but I’d say most of them went on to have successful careers.

Though I still think of them as the boys who would get in trouble for scribbling in their text books.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Just for the record, I’m a 56-year-old woman, happily married for 34 years, with two grown daughters who work hard and support themselves in their chosen fields.

OP, your son is 20. Time is a-flyin’ by!

It’s time to call in outside help. You and your husband are too close to him to be able to correctly assess his needs and give him the type of help that he needs.

It’s really hard for parents to do the right thing because we really don’t know what “the right thing” is. We’re not psychiatrists or psychologists, so we can’t correctly diagnose “depression” or “bi-polar syndrome.” We’re not counselors, so we can’t correctly assess the emotional distress that may be contributing to low motivation. We’re not pastors, so it’s hard for us to determine whether our child is suffering from a faith crisis.

If you are too harsh (which is probably what my husband and I would be if we were in your situation), this could do a lot of harm depending on your son’s needs.

However, if you are too lenient, this could also do a lot of harm, and cripple your son for “real life.”

So it’s time for you to get some experts in to determine whether your son has a physical condition, a mental condition, an emotional condition, a spiritual condition, or is showing the effects of a lifetime of parental “errors” and needs some re-training to be able to enter adult life.

People on this thread have suggested doctors, school counselors, college advisers, and other professionals who can assess your son’s physical, mental, and emotional situation to date and determine what steps are necessary for him to achieve success in adult life here in the United States. I would also suggest a priest or pastor to determine his spiritual condition.

Call in as many of these as you can afford! Don’t try to be your son’s psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, life coach, or priest. And don’t rely on well-meant advice from friends and online people like us! We don’t know you or your son! So get people in who have the skills and will be able to help your son.

By the way, when I say “success,” I’m not talking about being a millionaire or even earning a six-figure salary. Success is being able to provide yourself with basic necessities of life such as food, clothing, shelter, etc. If your son can’t be successful according to this definition, he will live a very uncomfortable life in the United States. You know that. You’ve seen the men who don’t have jobs, who live with their parents well into their 40s and 50s, who never have a girlfriend, who just seem to drift through life as eternal children. Don’t let this happen to your son.

It’s time to call in outside help for your son. Don’t let another day go by just hoping that everything will work out, because it probably won’t, and the more time that passes, the harder it will be to change things.

One more thought, and I don’t say this to hurt you, but to help you prepare. When I read through your OP, my first thought is that this young man could be struggling with same-sex attraction and trying to decide whether he is gay. Perhaps he has already decided that he is gay, but he afraid to say anything to his parents that he loves, and that’s why he’s struggling in school–because he’s struggling in life.

High school kids can suppress their sexual orientation because they really don’t have the opportunities in high school culture to “be gay”; e.g., date members of the same sex, join a Gay Rights organization, read gay literature, etc.

When people go to college, they are forced to confront their own sexuality. There are Gay/Lesbian organizations all over campus encouraging homosexuals to come out and be proud. These groups hold socials and mixers, and young adults who are struggling with their identity find acceptance and friendship and fun at these events.

I hope I’m wrong about this, I really do. If you hire a counselor or psychologist for your son, this might be something that comes to light. I hope not. But at least you will be prepared, if that’s even possible for parents.

Cat, I have read your past posts and you are usually straitforward and no nonsense with a huge splash of realism. But this, this was way out in left field. It was uncalled for. And it does not matter if it is true or not, it is not helpful. We all judge peoples posts, it is just part of the internet. When I read the OPs post I jumped to the conclusion that her son was homeschooled. I did this because I homeschool and I have seen a common problem in some homeschooling families.

1. hard time in social school situations.
2. DL at 18 etc.

But I have no idea if that is the case or not. But you, you took a worring mother and threw SSA at the problem,

What was your stereotype that set you off.

1. Shy?
2. Art classes?

I know you probably meant well but gee whiz, you shuld probably get in here and unring that bell.

 

[Cat]

This response was GOLD!

You came asking for help with your kid’s motivation, and people call him gay! it’s not funny, but it’s funny.

Now, hold on a minute, buddy.

I didn’t call the son gay.

And I said that I hope I’m wrong.

If you don’t think this is a possibility, well–it is. And once again, I’ll say that I hope I’m wrong.

And apparently you didn’t read the rest of my post, in which I suggested a lot of other possibilities that might explain his problems with college.

And if others here think that the parents should just mellow out and give him time, that’s fine. I happen to think that a 20-year old man should be starting to get a grip on life. There are 20-year old men leading platoons over in Afghanistan. But I had daughters, and I’m willing to say that perhaps my daughters were highly motivated to acquire an education that prepared them for a viable career because they knew I would not allow them to live at home with mom and dad once they were legally adults.

Perhaps a good guideline is the one that President Obama has established–26 years old. Up until then, children can remain on their parents’ health insurance. So perhaps the OP should let him find his own way until then.

 

[Cat]

Cat, I have read your past posts and you are usually straitforward and no nonsense with a huge splash of realism. But this, this was way out in left field. It was uncalled for. And it does not matter if it is true or not, it is not helpful. We all judge peoples posts, it is just part of the internet. When I read the OPs post I jumped to the conclusion that her son was homeschooled. I did this because I homeschool and I have seen a common problem in some homeschooling families.

1. hard time in social school situations.
2. DL at 18 etc.

But I have no idea if that is the case or not. But you, you took a worring mother and threw SSA at the problem,

What was your stereotype that set you off.

1. Shy?
2. Art classes?

I know you probably meant well but gee whiz, you shuld probably get in here and unring that bell.

Stereotype?

No.

And I won’t take it back (“unring the bell”) because it IS a possibility. And I really hope I’m wrong (and I said that in my post). I don’t know the OP or the family from Adam, and so I’m just basing my suggestion on what the OP described and the situations that I have known.

If the OP knows that it is NOT a possibility, then that’s wonderful. There’s no reason to jump all over me and accuse me of being way out in left field or freaky or whatever.

In my very long post, I did offer quite a few other possibilities, didn’t I? Yes, I did.

I mentioned physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual issues, and I also raised the possibility of the some parental “errors” that may have left the young man with the need for a little more training before he’s ready to be a grown-up.

Now before anyone jumps all over me and accuses me of telling the parents that they “blew it,” I’m not trying to denigrate the OP for “errors.” ALL parents make errors in their parenting. My husband and I definitely made our share of parental “errors” and we have had to reap the sour fruit of those errors. E.g., we were too free with our money, and our older daughter often has the same undisciplined spending habits and gets into financial troubles and then whines about being broke–ah, the parents’ sins are visited upon their children. But our other daughter is a miser with money, so at least we got it half-right. That’s just ONE example of bad parenting on our part, and I could list a dozen more ways we failed our children.

So I’m not trying to “freak out” the OP. I just want to point out that they may have inadvertently fostered the son’s situation.

Or maybe not.

And I do hope that everyone noticed the part of my post that cautioned against putting too much stock in advice from friends or people online–that would include me! I urged the OP to get some expert help.

However, apparently once I used the “G” word in my post, everyone forgot the rest of the post. So go back and read my post.

If someone is gay, they’re gay. It’s tough for most parents to hear (I would be devastated), but it happens and it’s not the end of the world. If you don’t know any parents who have been through this in their family, well, you will eventually know someone. And yes, the “coming out” can be preceded by the types of behaviors that the young man described in the OP is demonstrating. Again, I hope with all my heart that I’m wrong, because it’s a tough cross to bear.

And again, if the consensus of the thread is that the OP should just leave the young man alone and let him work things through, fine. I don’t agree–I think that it’s time to get some help. But that’s just my opinion, and the OP is free to ignore it and go with the consensus.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Praying for yor son, JMJ.