Combining Last Names for Marriage?

[Sapphiregirl]

I can’t imagine a better way to start a marriage than on a mutually agreeable compromise. What’s wrong with setting the tone for a marriage that compromise is possible?

 

[adrift]

I can’t imagine a better way to start a marriage than on a mutually agreeable compromise. What’s wrong with setting the tone for a marriage that compromise is possible?

Been married long?

 

[Sapphiregirl]

If this is what they as a couple want to do, and it isn’t hurting anyone, why shouldn’t they do it?

 

[cmscms]

You don’t think that this will have an effect on your husbands family? It will mean that the family name will not be passed on to your children. That may not mean anything to you but it may cause hard feelings with your in-laws to be. It may not be fair that it does but feelings have little to do with fairness. Talking to them before a decision is made may bring them over to your side where as making the decision and then informing them may be a long term bump in your relationship with them.

With all due respect, I don’t think the fact her in-laws will be upset is a valid argument. I have to wonder if her MIL will simply protest out of jealousy that she was not strong enough to keep her name.

Asking the in-laws opinion is contrary to 'A man should leave his family and cleave to his wife. ’

 

[Sapphiregirl]

Thank you! You shouldn’t base these sorts of decisions off of “but what will other people think!” This is about you two honoring your marriage in the way you see fit, and to the best of my knowledge, last names aren’t a moral issue.

 

[EasterJoy]

Another reason I think it is ill advised to choose one of the above is that names actually have meaning. Your future husband’s particular name is awesome-- Benoit.

Benoit, French derivative of Benedict, means: blessed
Forest, an English surname, means (obviously): woodlands

The mixes above mean absolutely nothing. I think it sad to cut off from history and the meaning of the names.

Actually, Benfor and Bennest, at least, exist as North American surnames.

…

Are people telling me that they can’t sound out their relatives concerning how the relatives think and feel about some possible future decision without feeling the need to knuckle under to what the relatives want? You just have to spring things on them as a fait accompli out of the fear they will feel entitled to bulldoze you?

Do you think you abdicate control over your life by taking the trouble to find out what other people, even immediate family members, think?

Really?

If this is what they as a couple want to do, and it isn’t hurting anyone, why shouldn’t they do it?

That’s just it. You seem to be saying that the couple shouldn’t care that their parents might possibly feel hurt that they want to abandon both family names.

You’d think people do not realize they marry into their extended family, too. You’re free to do what you want, but the wise couple tries not to stomp carelessly on any hornet nests. The extended family figures prominently in all the best and worst phases of your married life. You’re going to make decisions they won’t like, but it is silly to alienate them out of avoidable carelessness or thoughtlessness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the couple can’t do this if they feel strongly about it or even just because they want to. I’m just saying that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing in a way that is sensitive and considerate towards what are easily anticipated adverse reactions. The blending of names, in particular, isn’t just abandonment of the family names. It is permanently doing something to them.

If hurt feelings are recognized as a possible hurdle it is less likely that the couple will run roughshod over both sides of the family right out of the gate. The differences of opinion with the in-laws will come soon enough without coming down the aisle with a “who in H-E-double tooth picks cares what you all think” countenance.

 

[adrift]

With all due respect, I don’t think the fact her in-laws will be upset is a valid argument. I have to wonder if her MIL will simply protest out of jealousy that she was not strong enough to keep her name.

Asking the in-laws opinion is contrary to 'A man should leave his family and cleave to his wife. ’

Really are you married? When you said with all due respect, shouldn’t you have used the sarcastic smile? It is petty of you to suggest that the MIL would be jealous. It presupposes that women who take their husbands names are week which is small minded of you if not ignorant. Friction between couples and parents is not a small matter in marriage. It ranks after money and lack of communications for trouble in marriages. Unless of course, you have no respect for your parents. Fourth commandment isn’t nullified with marriage. This has to be handled with care and that is considering how the family will react. It could bring about an estrangement. It depends on how much it matters to them. They may not care or they may react very negatively.

Easterjoy has hit the nail on the head. I hope you will read her posting very carefully it is full of wisdom.

 

[AdriannaJean]

Thank you everyone for your posts.

There has been a good deal of hullaballoo about whether being nice about the way we present this to our families. Neither he nor I are the confrontational type and there was never any question of breaking the news gently. Just so we’re clear here, I think the people saying that I shouldn’t make an important life decision based on how someone who isn’t as involved is going to feel about it are right. I also think the people saying that I should at least prepare for hurt feelings and do things charitably are right. They are not mutually exclusive options.

I do think the reason you have for not wanting to take his name is a little concerning, because it seems as though your emphasis is on the “equal” part more than the mutual self-giving of marriage.

Well, this is the only part of my relationship you guys know about . Of course it’s going to look like equality our only focus because that’s what this post is about. I don’t think one can really extrapolate from a specific question pertaining to one facet of a relationship what the entire relationship is about. This question is about the equality bit. Our relationship, on the whole, is not.

IMO you should both keep your last names and simply combine your children’s name. As much as geneology can be interesting, I don’t think it is fair to choose a name that supports a hobby. If anything, I would love to look back at my family tree and see a name change caused by a woman who valued her name.

That is a nice idea, but would be a nightmare for airline travel. People tend to not think you’re kidnapping the kids when you have the same last name. Believe it or not, it’s pretty common for women with different names than their children to be held up.

Actually, Benfor and Bennest, at least, exist as North American surnames.

Yay!! Thank you

Are people telling me that they can’t sound out their relatives concerning how the relatives think and feel about some possible future decision without feeling the need to knuckle under to what the relatives want? You just have to spring things on them as a fait accompli out of the fear they will feel entitled to bulldoze you?

Do you think you abdicate control over your life by taking the trouble to find out what other people, even immediate family members, think?

Really?

Hahaha, well clearly you haven’t met our families. Just talking casually to them about wedding plans elicits enough suggestions and opinions to make my head spin for a week! It’s not that anyone is overly obnoxious or pushy, it’s just that everyone is definitely on the opinionated end of the spectrum and there are A LOT of family members (14 is our immediate families only ) so talking to them all about it would be unproductive and super stressful. And, of course, if you check with half the people beforehand, the other half will be upset. Le sigh…

 

[adrift]

Actually, Benfor and Bennest, at least, exist as North American surnames.

…

Are people telling me that they can’t sound out their relatives concerning how the relatives think and feel about some possible future decision without feeling the need to knuckle under to what the relatives want? You just have to spring things on them as a fait accompli out of the fear they will feel entitled to bulldoze you?

Do you think you abdicate control over your life by taking the trouble to find out what other people, even immediate family members, think?

Really?

That’s just it. You seem to be saying that the couple shouldn’t care that their parents might possibly feel hurt that they want to abandon both family names.

You’d think people do not realize they marry into their extended family, too. You’re free to do what you want, but the wise couple tries not to stomp carelessly on any hornet nests. The extended family figures prominently in all the best and worst phases of your married life. You’re going to make decisions they won’t like, but it is silly to alienate them out of avoidable carelessness or thoughtlessness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the couple can’t do this if they feel strongly about it or even just because they want to. I’m just saying that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing in a way that is sensitive and considerate towards what are easily anticipated adverse reactions. The blending of names, in particular, isn’t just abandonment of the family names. It is permanently doing something to them.

If hurt feelings are recognized as a possible hurdle it is less likely that the couple will run roughshod over both sides of the family right out of the gate. The differences of opinion with the in-laws will come soon enough without coming down the aisle with a “who in H-E-double tooth picks cares what you all think” countenance.

This such a good post.

 

[cmscms]

Are people telling me that they can’t sound out their relatives concerning how the relatives think and feel about some possible future decision without feeling the need to knuckle under to what the relatives want? You just have to spring things on them as a fait accompli out of the fear they will feel entitled to bulldoze you?
.

Sadly some family dynamics are such that it is best not to discuss major decisions with them. Some people’s co-depence overrides the best option. If a person is lucky enough to discuss it then it is OK. However, it is hard enough to get 2 people to agree. The more opinions that are involved, the harder it is to come to a decision

 

[EasterJoy]

Hahaha, well clearly you haven’t met our families. Just talking casually to them about wedding plans elicits enough suggestions and opinions to make my head spin for a week! It’s not that anyone is overly obnoxious or pushy, it’s just that everyone is definitely on the opinionated end of the spectrum and there are A LOT of family members (14 is our immediate families only ) so talking to them all about it would be unproductive and super stressful. And, of course, if you check with half the people beforehand, the other half will be upset. Le sigh…

I was thinking about the parents. I have a lot of siblings, and no, nobody even tries to tell everybody else what their plans are, let alone takes a poll about what to do. There will be a congress of opinions (complete with caucuses, no doubt! ) no matter what you do, let alone slogging through that. Still, we often tell Mom and Dad what sort of decisions we are contemplating. Sometimes they think we’re nuts, sometimes they say so, but also sometimes they have some pretty good suggestions.

I actually have a relative who thought his mother ought to change her surname from her married name because her ex-husband (his dad) was such a piece of work that the child thought the surname needed to be banished from the family. Eventually, her first marriage was annulled, she re-married, and then she changed her name, but not before. She wasn’t interested in the hassle. Her son, however, changed his name when he married, to something totally unrelated to either his former family name or his wife’s. They just chose something they liked.

I’d just suggest that when you tell them, you at least let on that you considered giving up both of your family names to have a “con” side to it–that is, that your children will have neither of their traditional family names, even though both families are something to be proud of–but that the “pro” side of a single name that represents an un-hyphenated middle ground simply felt more satisfying and a better reflection of your union.

As a side note, I also know a woman who started putting her maiden name (now her middle name) on her name badges at parish events. It turned out that while almost no one knew her husband’s side of the family, lots of people know people who know people who know her side of the family. At any rate, she wears both family names on her name badge, so that people will know to ask about connections to both. If you and your husband totally abandon your family names, you might still find yourself putting your old family names on name badges from time to time, so that you can keep making that kind of connection.

Putting Jacob Benoit Benfor or Sarah Forest Benfor on a name badge is not so bad, though! Maybe you could change your names that way, so that the future geneologists would have some prayer of finding you.

 

[Et_Cetera]

If you like the idea and it makes you both happy, then I say go for it. Personally, I like Benfor or Bennest.

 

[Sapphiregirl]

I don’t understand why decisions need to be made out of concern for future genealogists… can someone explain this to me?

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

Well, this is the only part of my relationship you guys know about . Of course it’s going to look like equality our only focus because that’s what this post is about. I don’t think one can really extrapolate from a specific question pertaining to one facet of a relationship what the entire relationship is about. This question is about the equality bit. Our relationship, on the whole, is not.

Well, you did say

We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

I’m not saying you define your relationship in terms of equality, just that it appears that your decision about the name seems to be mostly because of a perceived notion that it’s somehow demeaning to take your husband’s name. I realize that what to call yourselves as a family does not define your relationship, all I’m saying is that the reasoning you use has the potential to affect other aspects of your marriage. You defined marriage as “a partnership of equals”…that is not exactly how the church defines it, nor is it how the marriage works, if you consider a partnership of equals to be that one never defers to the other.

 

[Debora123]

Yes, it does smack of feminist programming. But I hope you know that there are two kinds of feminism.

I am a feminist. I wholeheartedly believe that I am a man’s moral and intellectual equal, deserving of personhood and identity in my own right. That is not to say that I am the same as a man, just that I am equal to one. That is classical equity feminism. That’s why I care about a social system that assumes that women will make a sacrifice men don’t have to.

Like many others in the Christian community, I thought I hated feminism. But what I realized was that I hated gender feminism/neo-feminism, not classical feminism. Sure, I think that neo-feminists are nuts. I also think that certain branches of Christians are nuts. In the same way that I won’t let the Westboro Baptist church take the word “Christian” away from me, I won’t let the crazy femi-nazis take “feminism” away from me. I will go to my grave a Christian, no matter how many crazy Christians there are. I will go to my grave a feminist, no matter how many crazy feminists there are.

It is a huge mistake to judge an entire ideology/philosophy/religion by its craziest members.

Wow. Very well said.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t understand why decisions need to be made out of concern for future genealogists… can someone explain this to me?

There is not a reason that forbids this or a reason that compels it, something that dictates what needs to be done. The OP however, started the conversation this way: We stumbled upon the idea of combining last names and I was wondering if anyone had opinions on it. --AdriannaJean

The decision does not need to be made out of concern for future geneologists; that is simply one thing that someone changing their name might consider. When asking for an opinion, someone whose avocation is geneology would naturally have that consideration to throw into the ring.

She just wants a list of pros and cons. The couple can make the decision on their own.

 

[Debora123]

I don’t understand why people seem to be getting so passionate over a couple’s decision on what to do about their last name…

If I understand correctly, the OP wanted people’s opinions on the names she had in mind. Not rash judgement on her views and on her relationship with her fiance and her family.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

I don’t understand why people seem to be getting so passionate over a couple’s decision on what to do about their last name…

If I understand correctly, the OP wanted people’s opinions on the names she had in mind. Not rash judgement on her views and on her relationship with her fiance and her family.

The OP said “we stumbled upon the idea of combining last names and I was wondering if anyone had opinions on it.”

Posters have given their opinions.

 

[AdriannaJean]

I don’t understand why people seem to be getting so passionate over a couple’s decision on what to do about their last name…

If I understand correctly, the OP wanted people’s opinions on the names she had in mind. Not rash judgement on her views and on her relationship with her fiance and her family.

Thank you. My intention was to see which of the names were most popular and if anyone had any special insight into this new idea it was welcome. I should have lowered my expectations for politeness and kindness on the internet though

Some of you have been wonderful. Thank you for your wise words. Others have been, well, less so. But this foray back onto this site has made me remember why I quit coming here. I get harshly judged enough in person. There’s no need for me to come onto the internet to have it here too.

Selfish, ridiculous feminist over and out

 

[Debora123]

Thank you. My intention was to see which of the names were most popular and if anyone had any special insight into this new idea it was welcome. I should have lowered my expectations for politeness and kindness on the internet though

Some of you have been wonderful. Thank you for your wise words. Others have been, well, less so. But this foray back onto this site has made me remember why I quit coming here. I get harshly judged enough in person. There’s no need for me to come onto the internet to have it here too.

Selfish, ridiculous feminist over and out

I’m sorry.
I know what you mean though. I have to go through long periods of rest from here too sometimes.

For what it’s worth (if you’re still reading), congrats on your upcoming wedding. I hope you and your future husband have a long, happy life together and healthy children!

PS- I still vote for Benfor!