Coming out about sexual harassment secret

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mrajax

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So the thing is this: I’ve been a victim of sexual harassment when I was younger. It wasn’t a single event but a prologned one lasting a few years at the hands of at first two and increasing as more and more students got into bullying me. Over the years I’ve built up a huge anger at the way everyone treated me, at how nobody didn’t do anything over it, not even the teachers, the complicity of others and myself for being too weak and naive. It invovled innappropriate touching in innapropriate places, being led on to think these two were my friends when they actually treated me like ****. I was sexually harassed in public in front of others and even on outings. I was guilt tripped over this bull and I seriously have a feeling that I want to murder those who harassed me.

I’m not comfortable being touched, I’m not comfortable in my own skin and I’m scared of showing any sign of sexuality. My body language is one that doesn’t invite contact; it is one that is reserved even though I think I’m one of the more social and talkative among my friends. With my thoughts regarding women, I always have the thought in the back of my mind on how I can’t be a creeper. I’m frankly obsessed with rape, always searching how to deal with it, the effects it has on people, personal stories etc… it’s always on my mind and I can’t think of something nice or heartwarming without it coming into my head. I experience triggers out of watching 4 people dancing together for crying out loud.

After all these years supressing my thoughts, all these years not telling anyone I think I have enough confidence that I want to tell. I haven’t told my parents, have only told 3 of my friends. One told me how she herself was almost sexually abused by her mothers boyfriend (for the record I told her how it was none of her fualt and she is living happilly now away from those bastards). The two others, because we were discussing the topic of abortion and rape, merely said and I quote ‘irrelevant to this discussion’. No sympathy, no we’re sorry you had to pass through that or I understand how you feel. Granted I didn’t elaborate at all so I don’t know. Oh, I also told somebody else only for them to forget about and actively bother me about me hating to be touched.

The thing is I really want to admit that I had these nthings happen to me but I’m scared how it will pan out. I’m scared that maybe I’m rushing too fast into this, that maybe I’m being imprudent about it. I’m scared of the fallout it will bring amongst what friends I have. I don’t want to be needy or anything, forcing people to listen to my sob story blah blah blah, I just want to admit about what happened to me as I need some support. I’m scared of the people I will alienate over it, scared of how people are going to look at me, scared of all the supressed anger it will bring out in others.

Everybody keeps telling me to go to counselling for my other social problems but the thing is that here in Malta we have a very incompetent psychological scene. All the doctors I’ve met either charge you very highly for a mediocre session or don’t care about you at all; they merely just want to get things over with and IO’ve experienced this at least once before.

What do you guys think i should do?
 
Can you explain what you mean by “coming out”? Who are you planning on telling and how? I think it would be a good idea to tell you parents and maybe a close friend who you can trust. It’s not necessary to tell everyone you know. Since a good counselor isn’t available to you, you should probably discuss this with a few people you are really close to.
 
To begin with, how old are you? Are you still a minor, or are you a young adult, and are you in the US or in Canada? Your answers will determine what kind of advice I will give you.
 
@George Stegmeir: The person said they were from Malta, which is a country in the European Union.

@mrajax: Malta is part of the Schengen Agreement–would you be able to go to another EU country for treatment?
 
I think understand how you feel. You don’t want to be that bitter, ungrateful one; you don’t want to be the complainer or the one who makes things awkward, but obviously you’re not these things for talking about a very awful thing that’s happened to you. And some people don’t care, and some people don’t understand, and some people literally have no idea what to say, so they don’t listen.

Just because people don’t listen does not mean it is not a big deal. Good for you for getting the confidence to tell people! I would advise telling your parents, and if you have any other friends you really trust, tell them. Or try make them. And maybe have a nice long chat with a friend who would understand, like the other abuse victim you met.

And if they don’t listen, then you don’t really need them in your life, so not your loss.

: )
 
My prayers are with you mrajax, I’ve been abused in the past as well, both as a very young child and as an adult and I must plead with you, my dear Brother in Christ, to get help as soon as possible, preferably from a Catholic (if you are Catholic yourself) mental health professional. Even if you do not believe that they are listening and you are cut off too soon for your liking, just being able to verbalize your issues can be tons of help. You are worth it, you are, and always have been worthy of being treated with respect for your inherent dignity as a human being, no matter what anyone else ever decided to do. They sinned against you, not you against them or yourself. Please do this for your own sake and don’t be like I was, not thinking I had any real problems and having my psyche set up for allowing all sorts of things which I now bitterly regret since I did not think myself worthwhile of being treated decently. And do not forget the sacrament of reconciliation, the rosary and the eucharist… three precious tools to help attain the grace from God you need to deal with the issues the past has left you with. Many hugs that do not upset you and many blessings for you son.
 
I am so sorry for all the pain you are in,
what happened to you was not right. I don’t have any words
of wisdom to give you, but know that I will keep you in my prayers. :hug1:
**

Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
mother the abused, neglected or forgotten,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger,
and guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen :gopray: **
 
mrajax said:
So the thing is this: I’ve been a victim of sexual harassment when I was younger. It wasn’t a single event but a prologned one lasting a few years at the hands of at first two and increasing as more and more students got into bullying me. Over the years I’ve built up a huge anger at the way everyone treated me, at how nobody didn’t do anything over it, not even the teachers, the complicity of others and myself for being too weak and naive. It invovled innappropriate touching in innapropriate places, being led on to think these two were my friends when they actually treated me like ****. I was sexually harassed in public in front of others and even on outings. I was guilt tripped over this bull and I seriously have a feeling that I want to murder those who harassed me.

I’m not comfortable being touched, I’m not comfortable in my own skin and I’m scared of showing any sign of sexuality. My body language is one that doesn’t invite contact; it is one that is reserved even though I think I’m one of the more social and talkative among my friends. With my thoughts regarding women, I always have the thought in the back of my mind on how I can’t be a creeper. I’m frankly obsessed with rape, always searching how to deal with it, the effects it has on people, personal stories etc… it’s always on my mind and I can’t think of something nice or heartwarming without it coming into my head. I experience triggers out of watching 4 people dancing together for crying out loud.

After all these years supressing my thoughts, all these years not telling anyone I think I have enough confidence that I want to tell. I haven’t told my parents, have only told 3 of my friends. One told me how she herself was almost sexually abused by her mothers boyfriend (for the record I told her how it was none of her fualt and she is living happilly now away from those bastards). The two others, because we were discussing the topic of abortion and rape, merely said and I quote ‘irrelevant to this discussion’. No sympathy, no we’re sorry you had to pass through that or I understand how you feel. Granted I didn’t elaborate at all so I don’t know. Oh, I also told somebody else only for them to forget about and actively bother me about me hating to be touched.

The thing is I really want to admit that I had these nthings happen to me but I’m scared how it will pan out. I’m scared that maybe I’m rushing too fast into this, that maybe I’m being imprudent about it. I’m scared of the fallout it will bring amongst what friends I have. I don’t want to be needy or anything, forcing people to listen to my sob story blah blah blah, I just want to admit about what happened to me as I need some support. I’m scared of the people I will alienate over it, scared of how people are going to look at me, scared of all the supressed anger it will bring out in others.

Everybody keeps telling me to go to counselling for my other social problems but the thing is that here in Malta we have a very incompetent psychological scene. All the doctors I’ve met either charge you very highly for a mediocre session or don’t care about you at all; they merely just want to get things over with and IO’ve experienced this at least once before.

What do you guys think i should do?
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Mr Ajax, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through as a teen. Being betrayed by friends at that age can leave a deep wound that affects your relationships after leaving school. If I was in you position I would ask around about good counselling. Ask at the Cathedral parish office about Catholic mental health services and courses in self development that they could recommend. Keep your ear to the ground about good solid help that is available.

I can tell you by experience, that as you mature in age, some of the things from childhood and teen years are dealt with by the perspective of maturity and can be overcome naturally so don’t fall into the trap of obsessing them into monstrous obstacles. Things like sexual and physical abuse are very real though and need to be brought into the light in counselling or even psychiatric care. Whatever you do, don’t turn to alcohol or marijuana or more severe drugs to escape your problems. I’m speaking from the experience of my own sons deviation into addictive substances and how that can affect your natural health and healing process.

God bless.
 
Sexual abuse is a big factor in nearly everyone with a disrupted or disordered view of sex. Why? Because they were made to experience disordered things against their will. It’s only natural that would taint your view and make you very uncomfortable with everything about the topic. Wanting to avoid all touching is your way of trying to protect yourself from further opportunities for abuse. You must seek help with a mental health professional that is experienced in this line of counseling. Anyone can be victimized, and it is important to work through the feelings that come from being abused. You would be shocked by the number of people you most likely pass on the street that have been abused as well. That is precisely why we have counselors that go into this line of work to help people. You can most likely find counseling services available for a reduced rate through a charity. Most countries have hotlines for victims of abuse where a person can be directed to help that is within their price range (or free).
 
Holy Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
mother the abused, neglected or forgotten,
give aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace, console the lonely,
comfort the lost or hopeless, guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger,
and guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen :gopray:
 
I also pray for your healing

Memorare (Prayer to Our Lady)
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To you do I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer me. Amen
 
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