It seems to me that you have several questions inside the one question.
Social pressure will always be there regardless of the choices you make. If you were called to marriage, found a good mate, and married, you would still be pressured by the world to trade in the “starter wife” (what a dreadful concept!) for a younger edition, or to timeshare, or to yield to someone else who wants your mate and does not believe in the word No. So yes, as a called celibate you will feel some pressure, but you would have to practice and prepare for pressure anyway.
In my experience part of the cure involves diagnosing the intention of the other. There are those who make a mental leap that if I don’t have a marriage/children, then I must have some bias against marriage/children. From there they make another mental leap that I don’t like THEIR marriage/children, because if I did, I would do what they did. I would be like them. So, their insecurities about their own relationships (which I may not even know about) can become re-imagined as an invented insult.
In the case of others, though, the intention is benign. When I travel, I may be asked if I have any children/grandchildren. I reply pleasantly, “Oh, no, I never married. How about you? Do you have children/grandchildren?” They’re just being friendly, looking for common grounds for conversation, and by reflecting the conversation back to them, they get a chance to talk about something that interests them, like their little one’s excitement about Christmas.
(Side note: there are times when I miss the old days, when people would call me Spinster or snarl, “well, the over-particular ones generally get left” and leave it at that. Nowadays I hear comments like, “Oh, but you can get married now in Name-of-State!” By which they mean that they think that if I don’t have an intended of the opposite sex, perhaps I have an intended of the same sex! They truly believe they are being Affirming and Supportive. If you want to be affirming and supportive, then affirm and support my celibacy which is hetero thankyouverymuch.)
Don’t worry too much about it being “hard” to maintain singleness. I expect it’s hard to maintain a marriage too.
For most people, the celibate gift it is not an instant awareness, but rather a process. It involves spending time alone, opening up your heart, praying, and becoming acutely aware of God’s intentions for your life. And, just like in marriage, the bond grows stronger over time.
From
The gift of celibacy: its meaning today … in the interests of full disclosure I didn’t have time to read the comment section.
As regarding Mom and other relatives … well, more distant relatives simply may not know. Tell them pleasantly if they ask and know that they too are just making conversation. Now, if they pester you, then you’d change tactics to the ones you’ll have to use on Mom.
With Mom, you may get lucky. Maybe she will understand.
Alternately, it can get a little Marie “Everybody Loves Raymond” Barone. Mothers like that will love you to tears. You’re talking about
not having children, which in their generation was
simply not done, dearie. They may have been brought up to think that they owed their own parents some grandchildren (i.e., you), and now you’re breaking this social contract version of a chain letter. If you were putting on the uniform (collar, habit), it would be easier. But you’re not. This may give them the idea that you’re still open to negotiation.
You’ll also face the weird wordings of fellow believers. I’ve heard Singles Ministry referred to as “Pairs and Spares” class. (Ew. I am not your sweetheart’s spare if something happens to you.) Then there are the Singles Mixers, which can be misused as loser-fests. (“Go to it, kids. Be as the Ark. Pair off, already.
Love, dangit!”)
I respect churches that have a Singles Ministry for those who want it and benefit from it. But I don’t do Singles anything for the same reason that I don’t seek out people with the same hair color I have.
As Lauren F. Winner phrased it in Christianity Today:
I didn’t want to be part of a singles ministry because the majority of my needs don’t have anything to do with being single. I need prayer. I need to serve others. I need to be held accountable for my sins. And I figure married people need those things, too. I don’t want to be segregated with people who, superficially, are just like me. The eye cannot say to the hand, after all, “I don’t need you.”
Most families, and most believers, may keep asking because they want you to be happy. They simply assume that you are too young/naïve/isolated/odd to know your own mind.
So you may have to change your wording. “I am praying on the possibility that I am called to perpetual virginity” is phrase-stage 1. “Apostolic celibacy” is phrase-stage 2. If that still doesn’t slow them down, you may have to pull out the big guns: “eunuch for the Kingdom.” That usually stops a conversation.
Overall, though, don’t worry so much.
As with our married brothers and sisters, the faith walk may not always be easy, but it is sweet.
My humongous [technical term] study of
What’s behind “Left Behind” and random reviews of other stuff. If that’s too long, I have 3 PDF docs total 20 pages I can e-mail.
The Upper Room |
Sponsor a child |
Genealogy of Jesus poster | Same TOM of NarniaWeb and Toon Zone
