Comment from husband wrecks havoc - you decide who is right

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yellowbird

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OK, “wrecks havoc” is probably a little dramatic… but it was upsetting for me, and my husband thinks it was no big deal. You decide. Here’s the backstory: Married 22 years… 5 children. Ups and downs like any marriage… lately more down than up, but happy or not, we’re in it for the long haul because of our vows and our children.

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Here’s the thing… I’ve never had long hair. Never. When I was in my 20s it was maybe three inches longer than it is now - but I’ve had this - almost to my shoulders for years. I’m no super model, but I’m cute for sure. I keep myself up.

So my insult is not that he’d prefer I had longer hair - it’s that he said he’d LOVE me more if I did. Which means he loves me less now. What sort of warped version of love is that? Based on hair length? Why isn’t it based on 22 years of faithfulness, mother of his children, woman of faith, good person??? And why aren’t I pretty to him regardless? What would happen if I got cancer and need chemo? I guess he’d stop loving me completely?

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

As a footnote I’d like to point out that he’s several years older than me, now in his mid 50’s and had hair but now he’s bald. And sort of pot bellied, but I keep my mouth SHUT about that.
 
I think his phrasing was terrible, but the sentiment is very common.

I’d ask him to rephrase himself (“I think you’d be even prettier with longer hair”), but wanting a wife to keep her hair longer is very common.

What I would suggest is educating him about longer hair and the sort of maintenance and care that it requires. Is he interested in providing you with more time so you can take care of longer hair? Is he interested in spending the money? Is it really worth it to him? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.

I suspect that like a lot of guys, he thinks that movie star hair just kind of sprouts naturally from women’s heads, and that if you let your hair grow, it would look like that, rather than a big mess.

Talk to him about this.

(My husband would also like me to have longer hair and to curl it like I used to (i.e. when I was a single gal and could wear curlers in the privacy of my own home). I had a somewhat similar reaction to that conversation to yours, but I’m definitely thinking of going a little bit higher maintenance in a few years.)
 
I’d say your husband has a poor way with words. He was probably just trying to tell you that he’d like to see you with longer hair, but he said that in an awkward manner. A lot of men prefer long-ish hair on women and your husband sounds like one of them.

Not every man is a poet. Your husband doesn’t sound anything like a poet, but even poets sometimes use hyperbole to make their point.

He’d like you to grow your hair out. It’s your hair so you can do what you want with it, but I suggest you take into consideration that your husband likes your hair longer than you wear it now.
 
I remember asking my mom if I ought to cut my hair. She said she thought I’d look nice with a short cut, but guys like long hair. I kept it long.

It is unfortunate if he really sees no difference between “I would find you more exciting” and “I would love you more.” Having said that, it isn’t automatically shallow to tell her what you find more or less exciting. He also shows a lack of even political good sense by pushing the long hair issue after you started crying. The man does not know which side his bread is buttered on!

I think it would be a good idea to calm down and teach him how to go about it when he wants to convince you to do something, starting with pointing out that implying that he could use increasing or decreasing love as a lure is not the way to do it. No woman in her right mind is going to kill herself to please a guy whose love is not reliable.

Then maybe have a discussion about how you show love for each other. *The 5 Love Languages *is a good book on that.
 
He wreaked havoc with your feelings (petty, but I can’t help it!).

Us guys pretty much stink at fairly assessing the impact of our wishes versus our contributions. If he’s an analytical sort, it might actually pay to fight fire with fire. Not to HURT him, but to demonstrate how he made you feel.

Uh, honey? Really? You want me to have to spend EVERY DAY a bunch more time fussing with my hair to make it look nice for you, huh? Honestly, now: what are you doing in your life that adds time and headaches to your daily schedule to make things better for me? You and I are beyond teenage infatuation, but I don’t recall seeing Rogaine bottles in the bathroom or any sign you actually tried to DO something about going bald. But MY hair is different and worth headaches (for me)? Be honest, now. Do you not see how that makes me feel? How it sends me a message that I have obligations to you, but you owe nothing? I don’t care about the hair, I care about being respected as your equal and I’m not feeling it.
 
Let me start by saying I’m not married yet and I wasn’t there. I can’t speak for all men, but there is perhaps a possibility that he just chose his words poorly. For me, I love my wife to be greatly regardless of how her looks may change, but if she chose a hair style that looked less appealing I’d let her know just based on the implied requirement to be honest and communicate.

As I see it there is physical beauty and there is the love that makes looks makes looks a mere bonus. A better way to consider this is that over those 2 decades he has seen you without make up and during your less flattering times but he is still with you.

To some extent, a few of us guys get the feeling that our women attach more meaning to our words than exist. He chose his words poorly but I doubt his love of 2 decades would change based on hair. It is probably not a big deal in his mind and I’d bet he doesn’t understand why it is a big deal to you. I’d suggest you think about it and write him a letter or email explaining how his words make you feel and why. His response may be enlightening regardless of whether or not the behavior ceases.
 
I could have written your post word for word, except I have been married 25 years and we have 3 children.

DH has always liked me with long hair ( ( Shoulder length is “long” for me… That is about the longest I can get it…) Early on in marriage, I kept it long…curled it every day…Then got it cut chin length when the kids were coming along… Every time I would go for a haircut, he would say " oh, you got your hair cut." Not " Your hair looks good" or “nice hair cut”… but I had it longer, and it was too much upkeep, and I was tired of it looking out of shape … He would never tell me not to cut it, but I knew it was not his preference really…Even when we started dating as teens, I remember his Mom was 47 and decided her long hair had to go…and she got a super cute short haircut and she looked fabulous, he was so upset… Men are kind of strange like that.

Last summer dd asked me to grow it out ( so, for fun, I did… Only trimming it to keep it in shape). I figured dh would like it… and I think he may have… But it always looked really messy, shapeless, style- less… Finally, I had to cut it… not short, but just above my shoulders…. got some pretty layers cut in…. and came home and dh said " Wow… nice haircut…It looks great!"…:D….
Dh goes to the same place to get his hair cut and must have told the hairdresser how much he liked it, because the next time I went in she said how much he loved my hair!:lol:
:rolleyes:
All that to say, men like the idea of long hair…. They think they like long hair… not sure why. Your DH worded it very badly ( guess whose DH does the same thing?)

I guess you could get it cut today , leaving the length, and changing it up a bit for easy care and style…grow it for a bit, and see how it goes…if not, then cut it….

Good luck!!!:hug1:
 
yellowbird said:
OK, “wrecks havoc” is probably a little dramatic… but it was upsetting for me, and my husband thinks it was no big deal. You decide. Here’s the backstory: Married 22 years… 5 children. Ups and downs like any marriage… lately more down than up, but happy or not, we’re in it for the long haul because of our vows and our children.

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Here’s the thing… I’ve never had long hair. Never. When I was in my 20s it was maybe three inches longer than it is now - but I’ve had this - almost to my shoulders for years. I’m no super model, but I’m cute for sure. I keep myself up.

So my insult is not that he’d prefer I had longer hair - it’s that he said he’d LOVE me more if I did. Which means he loves me less now. What sort of warped version of love is that? Based on hair length? Why isn’t it based on 22 years of faithfulness, mother of his children, woman of faith, good person??? And why aren’t I pretty to him regardless? What would happen if I got cancer and need chemo? I guess he’d stop loving me completely?

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

As a footnote I’d like to point out that he’s several years older than me, now in his mid 50’s and had hair but now he’s bald. And sort of pot bellied, but I keep my mouth SHUT about that.
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I don’t think he meant it like you think he did…most guys like long hair, my husband does, so I keep it long (I don’t like it long but it’s easier for work).

I often say, I’d love it, if we could do “x” of course I don’t mean love as in the “in love” sense. People post pics on Facebook and you get comments of “love it”. Without knowing the tone, I would imagine he was just an idiot, said it the wrong way and doesn’t realise the impact.

When my husband says “I love you with long hair” he doesn’t mean he loves me less with short but he prefers long.🤷
 
You have your haircut every eight weeks? You must be very rich.

If my wife said she would love me more if I shaved more often, tidied the house better or shaved my hair off then I would not assume she loves me less or any of the dramatic things you were saying.

I understand you may have felt less pretty by his comments but you could have questioned him rather than get upset.

I have always like very long hair and wanted my wife to grow it longer, I had at the time long hair. We had a deal, I would cut my hair which is what she wanted and she would grows hers which is what I wanted.

I cut mine but unfortunately she kept hers the same length.

Wreaking havoc though. 😊
 
Yellowbird,

Married 22 years, 6 kids here. I would be crushed if my husband made that sort of comment. I’d tell him so, too.

However, I also think “assume the best of intentions” is a pretty good mantra for marriage, provided you are married to a generally decent guy.

This was probably just a case of a husband trying to express something valid (he would like to see you grow your hair out) but saying it very stupidly. If not, and you really think there is something much deeper behind his comment, you might want to consider some professional help to work through the problem together.

Finally, I’d have a heck of a lot of fun with it. You want long hair–oh, I’ll give you long hair, baby. And bill the weave and extensions straight to you. While I am at it, I plan to improve my skin with weekly facials, my nails with weekly mani/pedis, my body with a personal trainer, and my wardrobe with my very own stylist.

Hope you like paying for it all. Oh, and by the way, you are either going to need to watch the kids or pay somebody to do it while I am busy getting beautiful.

After a couple of weeks, he just might change his tune and wish for his cute, short-haired, low-maintenance wife back. If not, at least you will be drop-dead gorgeous, and he will be broke. (of course I am being facetious here ;))
 
Truth_Faith13 said:
I don’t think he meant it like you think he did…most guys like long hair, my husband does, so I keep it long (I don’t like it long but it’s easier for work).

I often say, I’d love it, if we could do “x” of course I don’t mean love as in the “in love” sense. People post pics on Facebook and you get comments of “love it”. Without knowing the tone, I would imagine he was just an idiot, said it the wrong way and doesn’t realise the impact.

When my husband says “I love you with long hair” he doesn’t mean he loves me less with short but he prefers long.🤷
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I hear what you’re saying…and I’d like to believe you are right - but he did say I would love YOU more if you had long hair. And you’d be prettier.

And like I said, I’ve never had long hair… so to him I must not be pretty enough?

I don’t know. Maybe if we were getting along better it wouldn’t have bothered me. But because we’re not - even though last month we agreed to “try” to be nicer to each other I thought it was a low blow. Like seriously? this is your nice to me???
 
Men aren’t always very good at expressing these things. I’m kind of surprised that you don’t know that after 22 years of marriage. 😉 Maybe you were just extra-tired, or had a bad day already, and it just hit you wrong?

So, he would like you to grow your hair longer – there’s nothing wrong with him having that opinion. Of course, it’s your decision whether to cut or grow, but if my husband said that, I’d probably let my hair grow out for a while and see if I could live with it.

Who knows, you might actually like it! And if you don’t, there will still be hair salons available to cut it.
 
Maybe it’s just b/c I’m a man, but you seem to be very over sensitive. He “wrecks havoc” simply b/c he’d prefer you had long hair (spoiler alert: 99% of men prefer women to be feminine, which includes “long” hair, i.e. not a man’s cut in the style of Ellen or Rachel Maddow). Okay, he phrased himself poorly, but to come online and complain that he is “wrecking havoc” seems to be taking your pain to an extreme.
 
It is obvious that you feel wounded and he was truly not choosing his words carefully. You might smile and ask him if he would love you if you had no hair at all.

When we were newly married (married 40 years now) and I had my hair cut, my husband’s thoughtful response was, ‘Well, …it makes your nose look bigger.’ Sometimes ‘for better or worse’ includes overlooking some of the stupid things we say to each other.
 
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