Comment from husband wrecks havoc - you decide who is right

[yellowbird]

Maybe it’s just b/c I’m a man, but you seem to be very over sensitive. He “wrecks havoc” simply b/c he’d prefer you had long hair (spoiler alert: 99% of men prefer women to be feminine, which includes “long” hair, i.e. not a man’s cut in the style of Ellen or Rachel Maddow). Okay, he phrased himself poorly, but to come online and complain that he is “wrecking havoc” seems to be taking your pain to an extreme.

Oh give me a break. Did you read my OP? I said I being dramatic. His comment wrecked havoc on my emotions and I posted asking if others thought I was justified in being upset or if his comments were acceptable.

I’m not in “pain” - I was upset. Still am - because he often speaks without thinking. (spoiler alert 99% of women believe men do this. If you can make up statistics so can I. )

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I don’t know. Maybe if we were getting along better it wouldn’t have bothered me. But because we’re not - even though last month we agreed to “try” to be nicer to each other I thought it was a low blow. Like seriously? this is your nice to me???

Hmm…
I’m not usually a fan of quid pro quo, but maybe you should consider giving in in exchange for a list of changes and actions that you feel take similar effort. Maybe ask for a particular beard style plus a nightly back rub plus a hug before leaving in the mornings, etc. At least that way he puts in effort towards the things you like as you do likewise.

 

[Modern_Revert]

Men are obsessed with long hair.
Which is why I’m growing mine out again.
Husband requested it…Sort of the way your husband did.
I used to have waist-length ginger hair and he misses it.
I miss it too-as half of my head is grey since having our son!
And the texture’s not the same, but whatever.

 

[Lorelei12]

My husband said literally the exact same thing to me once. Except, he was joking and I knew it. And then I told him I’d love him more if he cut his more often.

It sounds like your husband just said something stupid. I don’t believe he really meant he’d love you more, just that he would find it more attractive. I think most men do, I’m not sure why.

In my case, I keep my hair shoulder length, which is longer than I like (I think I look better with shorter hair) and shorter than he’d like. I figure he’s the only one I really care about impressing anyway, and if he likes it I’m willing to keep it a little longer than I’d prefer. It helps, though, that when I leave it down, he tells me it looks pretty. And what’s funny is, if I go to get a trim of an inch or two, he never notices. If you get your hair cut every 8 weeks, I wonder if you just didn’t mention it to him, whether he would even notice.

It’s your hair, you should keep it however you want to. But I think you should try to look beyond the stupid words he chose to express what he meant, and forgive him.

 

[kbachler]

My wife prefers her hair short, and I prefer it long. Long for her is that it never gets to shoulder length.

It’s her hair. I tell her my preference, and why. I explain that I am happy to compromise on her occasionally growing it out.

She also prefers my hair longer. For business reasons, I typically keep it shorter although I try to grow it out from time to time.

We don’t love each other less - although there is a fundamental attraction when it can go longer.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Oh give me a break. Did you read my OP? I said I being dramatic. His comment wrecked havoc on my emotions and I posted asking if others thought I was justified in being upset or if his comments were acceptable.

I’m not in “pain” - I was upset. Still am - because he often speaks without thinking. (spoiler alert 99% of women believe men do this. If you can make up statistics so can I. )

Men do often speak without thinking, but come on already, if you know you’re “being dramatic” why don’t you just drop it, offer it up to Christ, and move on with loving and sanctifying your spouse (the end of marriage). And no that doesn’t involve nagging him about how he expresses himself.

 

[manualman]

Finally, I’d have a heck of a lot of fun with it. You want long hair–oh, I’ll give you long hair, baby. And bill the weave and extensions straight to you. While I am at it, I plan to improve my skin with weekly facials, my nails with weekly mani/pedis, my body with a personal trainer, and my wardrobe with my very own stylist.

Hope you like paying for it all. Oh, and by the way, you are either going to need to watch the kids or pay somebody to do it while I am busy getting beautiful.

You lose me here. My wife sometimes thinks this way if we have fights and it perplexes me. It sounds like you unconsciously assume that money is his problem in the relationship, not yours. Don’t you have shared finances? Doesn’t spending yourself into debt hurt you as much as him? I don’t get how this punishes him and not you.

 

[yellowbird]

It’s your hair, you should keep it however you want to. But I think you should try to look beyond the stupid words he chose to express what he meant, and forgive him.

Good advice.

 

[PietroPaolo]

…Sometimes ‘for better or worse’ includes overlooking some of the stupid things we say to each other.

 

[yellowbird]

Men do often speak without thinking, but come on already, if you know you’re “being dramatic” why don’t you just drop it, offer it up to Christ, and move on with loving and sanctifying your spouse (the end of marriage). And no that doesn’t involve nagging him about how he expresses himself.

Because he can express himself however he wants with no regard to my feelings… OK, I get it.

 

[Book_Worm]

Tell him you’d love him more with more hair, so you’ll grow yours out when he grows his in.

I’m going to go kiss my DH now because he thinks I look beautiful any way (believe me, I’m far from it) and thinks it’s my hair and I should do whatever is easier for me/makes me happy. (Or maybe he remembers my sleeping in curlers, spending hours waiting for me as I washed it, blew it dry and curled it, having long hair clogging the bath tub drain, etc.)

 

[lovemysix]

“You lose me here. My wife sometimes thinks this way if we have fights and it perplexes me. It sounds like you unconsciously assume that money is his problem in the relationship, not yours. Don’t you have shared finances? Doesn’t spending yourself into debt hurt you as much as him? I don’t get how this punishes him and not you”

Maybe it’s more female humor? Yellowbird got it, and most of my girlfriends would totally get it, even though we all completely share finances with our husbands. And yes, what hurts one of us hurts both of us financially.

The point was that while many husbands might want wives that look fabulous, it takes time and money to be model-beautiful. Sometimes it might not hurt to remind husbands of that fact.

The hyperbole was for laughs—because I am a firm believer in the healing power of humor.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Because he can express himself however he wants with no regard to my feelings… OK, I get it.

No, I didn’t say he was right - he wasn’t. I’d never say anything remotely close to that to my wife. But you have to admit (as you seem to) that your reaction was waaaaay over the top. Let it go and move on.

A few years ago I shaved my beard off. My wife, immediately upon seeing me, told me to grow it back in b/c she didn’t like me without the beard. She thought it looked bad. So, I grew it back in. When I decided to go for the long shaggy beard look, she informed me that I looked like a homeless man and suggested that I trim it, which I also did. Basically, I figured she has to look at my face a lot more than I do, so why not make her happy? I’m not a woman and wasn’t tempted to be “dramatic” about it, I just adjusted and moved on.

Really, is this that big of a deal?

 

[Lorelei12]

Maybe it’s more female humor? Yellowbird got it, and most of my girlfriends would totally get it, even though we all completely share finances with our husbands. And yes, what hurts one of us hurts both of us financially.

The point was that while many husbands might want wives that look fabulous, it takes time and money to be model-beautiful. Sometimes it might not hurt to remind husbands of that fact.

The hyperbole was for laughs—because I am a firm believer in the healing power of humor.

I thought it was funny, too.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…
And like I said, I’ve never had long hair… so to him I must not be pretty enough?

I don’t know. Maybe if we were getting along better it wouldn’t have bothered me. …

If it didn’t bother you, maybe you’d be getting along better. There’s the catch.

It may not take much length for a bald headed man to consider a woman’s hair “long”. And he may not need to have it styled fabulously every day. People are writing about long hair like it is so hard to take care of. A pony tail, braid or bun, and longish hair can be much easier to care for than short hair. Short hair needs more frequent cutting than long hair and some cuts don’t grow out well.

Men–if you are reading this, your job is to tell your wife she looks beautiful! It will make for a happier marriage. Look at the trouble that this poor klutz caused for his marriage by implying his wife wasn’t beautiful. Compliment your wife when she wears her hair the way you like it. Don’t say anything that implies she doesn’t look beautiful when she gets her hair cut in a way you don’t like. You must find something you find beautiful about her and tell her. Then when she’s heading to the salon, try pulling out a picture of her wearing her hair the way you like it and comment how beautiful she looked in that picture and ask her if she can get her hair to look like that again because her hair looked so beautiful like that.

 

[yellowbird]

Really, is this that big of a deal?

He hurt my feelings when we are both trying to be on our best behavior to be kind to each other. What he said wasn’t kind at all. How much a husband loves his wife should not be based on her hair length. I’d be so so happy if he told me that I’m beautiful to him no matter what I look like - and he loves me because of who I am - like Book Worm described her husband.

But that’s not the guy I married. Never will be.

In the big scheme of things you are correct, it is not THAT big of a deal. I never said it was.

 

[MaryT777]

He wreaked havoc with your feelings (petty, but I can’t help it!).

Us guys pretty much stink at fairly assessing the impact of our wishes versus our contributions. If he’s an analytical sort, it might actually pay to fight fire with fire. Not to HURT him, but to demonstrate how he made you feel.

Uh, honey? Really? You want me to have to spend EVERY DAY a bunch more time fussing with my hair to make it look nice for you, huh? Honestly, now: what are you doing in your life that adds time and headaches to your daily schedule to make things better for me? You and I are beyond teenage infatuation, but I don’t recall seeing Rogaine bottles in the bathroom or any sign you actually tried to DO something about going bald. But MY hair is different and worth headaches (for me)? Be honest, now. Do you not see how that makes me feel? How it sends me a message that I have obligations to you, but you owe nothing? I don’t care about the hair, I care about being respected as your equal and I’m not feeling it.

This might be what he needs to hear to see how ridiculous his comment was the way the issue was presented.
Perhaps if she works on growing out her hair and keeping it up he could work on getting rid of the pot belly, Most women are not attracted to that as much as many men like long hair.

Mary.

 

[cshoremom]

Men–if you are reading this, your job is to tell your wife she looks beautiful! It will make for a happier marriage. Look at the trouble that this poor klutz caused for his marriage by implying his wife wasn’t beautiful. Compliment your wife when she wears her hair the way you like it. Don’t say anything that implies she doesn’t look beautiful when she gets her hair cut in a way you don’t like. You must find something you find beautiful about her and tell her. Then when she’s heading to the salon, try pulling out a picture of her wearing her hair the way you like it and comment how beautiful she looked in that picture and ask her if she can get her hair to look like that again because her hair looked so beautiful like that.

That is love…

 

[coachdennis]

If it didn’t bother you, maybe you’d be getting along better. There’s the catch.

It may not take much length for a bald headed man to consider a woman’s hair “long”. And he may not need to have it styled fabulously every day. People are writing about long hair like it is so hard to take care of. A pony tail, braid or bun, and longish hair can be much easier to care for than short hair. Short hair needs more frequent cutting than long hair and some cuts don’t grow out well.

Men–if you are reading this, your job is to tell your wife she looks beautiful! It will make for a happier marriage. Look at the trouble that this poor klutz caused for his marriage by implying his wife wasn’t beautiful. Compliment your wife when she wears her hair the way you like it. Don’t say anything that implies she doesn’t look beautiful when she gets her hair cut in a way you don’t like. You must find something you find beautiful about her and tell her. Then when she’s heading to the salon, try pulling out a picture of her wearing her hair the way you like it and comment how beautiful she looked in that picture and ask her if she can get her hair to look like that again because her hair looked so beautiful like that.

I didn’t realize women were this fragile and couldn’t handle the truth!

If you need to have another person reaffirm you all the time, you have bigger problems than short hair.

Now, you may all poroceed in attacking another male!

 

[cshoremom]

coachdennis:
I didn’t realize women were this fragile and couldn’t handle the truth!

If you need to have another person reaffirm you all the time, you have bigger problems than short hair.

Now, you may all poroceed in attacking another male!

WOW…
Women are really not all fragile. We DO , however, have feelings.
No one is asking for constant affirmation.
It is love and kindness that would make one WANT to treat their spouse with care .

Also, I have not seen any “attacking males” in this thread… Just stating how some men may not be as tactful as they could be…