Comment from husband wrecks havoc - you decide who is right

[doglover2]

Reading that I am 100% sure that your husband meant it as a joke when he said I would love you more. Not literally. It’s a reason to be upset if he meant it literally but I can definitely see men just saying that like a joke, it’s normal =)

Lukasz actually used to make jokes like that. He knew that I loved wearing makeup so when I woke up in the morning he would say, “You’re so ugly without makeup” then I hid my face under the blanket and he hugged me and said in a kind voice, “I was joking, you’re the most beautiful, you’re a princess” Then we both burst out laughing

So yes my point is that I’m certain that your husband meant it in a joking way and since you mentioned it to him he realises that you might not take it like a joke so he probably won’t make similar jokes in the future. I guess you can try having your hair longer, no harm in trying it out

 

[coachdennis]

WOW…
Women are really not all fragile. We DO , however, have feelings.
No one is asking for constant affirmation.
It is love and kindness that would make one WANT to treat their spouse with care .

Also, I have not seen any “attacking males” in this thread… Just stating how some men may not be as tactful as they could be…

It’s called sarcasm! If you read the comment I BOLDED it says the man’s JOB is to tell the wife she looks beautiful! Yes, he should… but because he believes it … not because it is his JOB.

 

[cshoremom]

Oh, sorry… I usually get sarcasm… I guess I missed it!

 

[Rico_S]

I don’t know. Maybe if we were getting along better it wouldn’t have bothered me. But because we’re not

This is it. I mean, what he actually said was pretty bad, but I doubt that is how he meant it. But b/c you aren’t getting along, you interpreted it as negatively as possible. And I am sure if you get on to him for his insensitive remark his defenses will go up…and so the cycle continues.

Been there done that

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Perhaps he meant to say:

“I would love (how you look) more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier”

And it came out clumsy and wrong.

He must love you because he’s your husband. You are his wife. You have kids together. So he must love you a great deal. And you love him too.

But for some reasons spouses say something and we get hurt, and more so than if our friends would say the same thing. Because love makes us vulnerable.

Maybe he in a way wanted to say, you don’t have to worry about getting a haircut because if you grow it out it would look pretty. But he said it in his own way.

I’m 44 and my hormones are all over the place. My hair needs to be short. When it grows long it looks thinner and frizzy and unkempt. Scary.

Years ago my MIL told me that my DH likes long hair. I’ve tried to get it long, and since I’ve had kids, it just won’t ever be long and pretty. So I keep it short.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

This is it. I mean, what he actually said was pretty bad, but I doubt that is how he meant it. But b/c you aren’t getting along, you interpreted it as negatively as possible. And I am sure if you get on to him for his insensitive remark his defenses will go up…and so the cycle continues.

Been there done that

Me too! Got the T-shirt and everything!

 

[InNomineDomini]

Men do often speak without thinking, but come on already, if you know you’re “being dramatic” why don’t you just drop it, offer it up to Christ, and move on with loving and sanctifying your spouse (the end of marriage). And no that doesn’t involve nagging him about how he expresses himself.

Well, to be fair, there are probably other issues at play here. One of the downsides of bringing issues like this to a web forum is that all of the dynamics of situations can’t be fully grasped.

There is a chance that the words were poorly chosen, but on the other hand, the OP may have reason to believe her husband intended to say what he said.

All things being equal: the husband shouldn’t have worded himself as he did, and the wife may have gotten a chuckle out of his stereotypical, masculine lack of tact.

But all things may not be equal in this situation.

 

[yellowbird]

This is it. I mean, what he actually said was pretty bad, but I doubt that is how he meant it. But b/c you aren’t getting along, you interpreted it as negatively as possible. And I am sure if you get on to him for his insensitive remark his defenses will go up…and so the cycle continues.

Been there done that

Yes. This 100%

We want to break the cycle… but we obviously keep pushing each other’s buttons in a bad way.

I asked him if he were joking and he said no. He said he hasn’t liked my hair in years.

sigh

Whatever. There are lots I don’t like about him too so I guess we’re even.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Yes. This 100%

We want to break the cycle… but we obviously keep pushing each other’s buttons in a bad way.

I asked him if he were joking and he said no. He said he hasn’t liked my hair in years.

sigh

Whatever. There’s lots I don’t like about him too so I guess we’re even.

I didn’t know that part.

I’m sorry…disregard my last post.

 

[Mikeydell]

Maybe he would like to brush your long tresses? You know, get closer to you and be able to LOVE you even more!?

If you guys are having problems then seek out professional counseling before things get out of hand. You owe it to each other. You do love each other, and not just because of vows right???

Mike

 

[yellowbird]

Maybe he would like to brush your long tresses? You know, get closer to you and be able to LOVE you even more!?

If you guys are having problems then seek out professional counseling before things get out of hand. You owe it to each other. **You do love each other, and not just because of vows right??? **

Mike

Love each other like wouldn’t want any harm to come to the other person. Care about each other’s well being - physically, and spiritually - but not on an emotional level I don’t think.

We just aren’t kind and respectful of each other’s feelings. The hair thing was mine… I’m certain he could post his own account of how I’m not respectful of him.

We talk about seeking professional help but never do it. He says I just want someone to tell me that I am right and he is a terrible husband.

Am I am horrible in saying I would love hearing that actually?

 

[gardenswithkids]

It’s called sarcasm! If you read the comment I BOLDED it says the man’s JOB is to tell the wife she looks beautiful! Yes, he should… but because he believes it … not because it is his JOB.

You used sarcasm at my hyperbole. Many husbands believe their wives are beautiful but fail to tell their wives that on a regular basis. Right after saying it was his job, I wrote that it makes for a happy marriage. It is a husband’s job to work on making his marriage a happy one, (just as it is a wife’s job to work on making their marriage happy.) There are lots of ways for making marriages strong and happy, but routine sincere compliments are some of the easiest.

Fragile egos? Maybe or maybe not. We are surrounded by a world of advertising that tries to sell women expensive products and services to make us more beautiful. Any man who is interested in his marriage and pocketbook should make a point to tell his wife he thinks she is beautiful. At the very least he should skip making comments that imply she is not.

 

[kate_jackson]

Tell him that you’ll grow your hair If he lost his pot belly…tee hee!

 

[SweetLambs]

From a purely objective standpoint, as a woman who has been in your husband’s place to a degree (I have Aspergers and I am not too good with social graces and am very blunt) by insulting people, I wonder if he just lacks the social graces to be able to say things that come across with more sugar and less vinegar? I’m painfully blunt and insult people completely unintentionally. I just can’t lie about something, but more than that, I don’t know how to phrase things well, especially when it comes automatically.

Like people are being incredibly polite and ask if I want help, and I’m like “Um, no.” No smile, no “thanks for asking, but I’m doing okay at the moment. I’ll be sure to let you know if I do”…nothing like that. I beat myself up all the time after doing that repeatedly. Likewise, do not just ask me how I like your hair or clothes or whatever. Firstly, I have little ability in that regard anyhow, and second, if I don’t like it, I have the unfortunate tendency to say so.

I’m working on it, believe me, but it isn’t easy. And it sounds like you may be battling other problems too.

To me personally, I’d rather someone be honest with me than merely tell me something I want to hear. I wonder so many times a day whether a compliment was sincere, whether someone truly enjoyed talking with me or if they were just being polite, etc. I’d personally rather know exactly where I stand with people.

I am not saying he has Aspergers at all, but I hear this complaint about men a lot and maybe it’s just that they are more direct? As for the long hair, I’ve always had long hair and I would be offended if a spouse asked me to cut it, but I wouldn’t think much of the “I’d love you more if you did” comment. I think it was impulsively stated. (Oh the things I have said before!) It’s your hair- take his feelings into account and decide if that is what you want to do. But it isn’t, alone, something I would be worried about.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Love each other like wouldn’t want any harm to come to the other person. Care about each other’s well being - physically, and spiritually - but not on an emotional level I don’t think.

We just aren’t kind and respectful of each other’s feelings. The hair thing was mine… I’m certain he could post his own account of how I’m not respectful of him.

We talk about seeking professional help but never do it. He says I just want someone to tell me that I am right and he is a terrible husband.

Am I am horrible in saying I would love hearing that actually?

Love each other, in a Catholic sense, is not an emotional state (which can come and go over a lifetime) but an act of the will. It means “willing the good of the other as other”. In other words, wanting what is best for your husband, not because of any gain or benefit it might bring you, but solely because it is best for him. We are all called to this type of love and it, unlike our emotions, is entirely under our control to do so or not.

Maybe you should look into getting some help - retrouvaille.org/

 

[St_Francis]

Yes. This 100%

We want to break the cycle… but we obviously keep pushing each other’s buttons in a bad way.

I asked him if he were joking and he said no. He said he hasn’t liked my hair in years.

sigh

Whatever. There are lots I don’t like about him too so I guess we’re even.

I suggest you say a prayer for him each morning, and do one nice thing for him each day. I started setting the coffee up for my husband so all he had to do was turn it on in the morning. That turned a very low part of our marriage into the beginning of a rise

And it might help if you started making jokes when he is hitting your buttons. Give him a chance to back off without losing face, iyswim, plus give you some control in the situation–you’d be able to say something without getting into a bad-guy mode.

Yes, he should be doing stuff too, but the only one whose actions you can change is you See if you can break tye cycle because men are not usually emotionally-savvy enough to do it! (Sorry guys!)

Annie

 

[kate_jackson]

The thing is if you do grow your hair a bit longer the money saved is definitely a new dress for you!!!

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe it’s just b/c I’m a man, but you seem to be very over sensitive. He “wrecks havoc” simply b/c he’d prefer you had long hair (spoiler alert: 99% of men prefer women to be feminine, which includes “long” hair, i.e. not a man’s cut in the style of Ellen or Rachel Maddow). Okay, he phrased himself poorly, but to come online and complain that he is “wrecking havoc” seems to be taking your pain to an extreme.

There is no good way to end a sentence that starts, “I would love you more if…” How does anyone who has been married over 20 years not know this?

No “OK but…” on this one. A woman who hears that is 99% likely to either cry, tell the guy where he can put his request, or both.

Men do often speak without thinking, but come on already, if you know you’re “being dramatic” why don’t you just drop it, offer it up to Christ, and move on with loving and sanctifying your spouse (the end of marriage). And no that doesn’t involve nagging him about how he expresses himself.

The words of a man who thinks he just asked his wife to grow her hair out but who in reality told her that he doesn’t expect any intimacy for an extended period of time, because he’d rather sleep in a different room, and “offer it up to Christ.”

I didn’t realize women were this fragile and couldn’t handle the truth!

If you need to have another person reaffirm you all the time, you have bigger problems than short hair.

Now, you may all poroceed in attacking another male!

If you worked with a salesman who whined that no one bought anything from him because he refused to see things from the client’s perspective or that his co-workers never listened to his ideas because he brought them up in an insulting manner, you’d think he was an idiot. IOW, if another man tried to convince you to do something and insulted you in the process, you’d tell him to fly a kite without a second thought. The difference is that a man’s wife takes insults more personally than other men do, but nobody is likely to do what you want when you insult them and then tell them they are touchy to have taken offense.

Why is this different? Get a clue, gentlemen. The guys who do (and there are many of them!) have it a lot better than you do!

yellowbird:

Yes. This 100%

We want to break the cycle… but we obviously keep pushing each other’s buttons in a bad way.

I asked him if he were joking and he said no. He said he hasn’t liked my hair in years.

sigh

Whatever. There are lots I don’t like about him too so I guess we’re even.

A textbook example of how not to convince another person to change in order to please you.

We just aren’t kind and respectful of each other’s feelings. The hair thing was mine… I’m certain he could post his own account of how I’m not respectful of him…

Ah, and here I have advice for you. I very much like this maxim for marriage: When you are wrong, apologize, even if you are not the most wrong. Actually, especially when you are not the most wrong.

Why is that? Because the person who has done the worst thing either has the least comprehension of what he has done or else knows that he has dug himself into the deepest hole. IOW, the person who is the most wrong is the most down. Mostly, though, somebody has to screw up some courage and make a repair attempt. It may as well be you, and don’t think that having the biggest complaint gets you off the hook. Having the biggest complaint, as I have explained, actually makes you the logical choice!

Consider doing this. Consider going to your husband and saying, “When you said that you would love me more if I grew my hair longer, I was so hurt–stop! let me finish! then you can talk!–and then I got to thinking. I know that I say things to you that are just as bad, if not worse. Like when you did X, and I said Y. That was really low. I’m your wife; I should not talk to you like that. So I want to say I’m sorry I was unkind to you. I do love you, and I’m going to try not to talk to you that way again.”

And that’s all. No pregnant pause while you wait for him to apologize to you. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, well, pumping him for an apology wasn’t your goal. If he does not get it, you can say, “I realized that the only person in this marriage that I can change is me. I need to tell you what I like and what I don’t like, because you are not a mind-reader, but when it comes to making our marriage better, I need to just work on my stuff, and let you worry about your stuff. Even when I complain, which of course we are both going to do, I need to complain in a better way.”

If he does apologize, say, “We’ve both said things we don’t mean. It hurt to hear you say what you said, but I know you love me. We could let each other know it more, but we love each other a lot, we love our kids a lot, and so we are very lucky.”

Try that.

(Don’t know how to complain “well”? Try John Gottman’s books, they are very good at teaching how to present things that upset you without putting the other person unduly on the defensive.)

 

[EasterJoy]

I suggest you say a prayer for him each morning, and do one nice thing for him each day. I started setting the coffee up for my husband so all he had to do was turn it on in the morning. That turned a very low part of our marriage into the beginning of a rise

And it might help if you started making jokes when he is hitting your buttons. Give him a chance to back off without losing face, iyswim, plus give you some control in the situation–you’d be able to say something without getting into a bad-guy mode.

Yes, he should be doing stuff too, but the only one whose actions you can change is you See if you can break tye cycle because men are not usually emotionally-savvy enough to do it! (Sorry guys!)

Annie

Very good advice!

This is where the book *The 5 Love Languages *is a good idea. The book talks about how to identify the little gestures that will mean the most to your spouse. It saves people from doing little gestures that they would like but don’t do much for their spouse, and then having their feelings hurt because their efforts go unnoticed or even cause irritation.

I get the feeling that the OP and her husband are not on the same page. That book might help her a lot!

 

[robwar]

OK, “wrecks havoc” is probably a little dramatic… but it was upsetting for me, and my husband thinks it was no big deal. You decide. Here’s the backstory: Married 22 years… 5 children. Ups and downs like any marriage… lately more down than up, but happy or not, we’re in it for the long haul because of our vows and our children.

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Here’s the thing… I’ve never had long hair. Never. When I was in my 20s it was maybe three inches longer than it is now - but I’ve had this - almost to my shoulders for years. I’m no super model, but I’m cute for sure. I keep myself up.

So my insult is not that he’d prefer I had longer hair - it’s that he said he’d LOVE me more if I did. Which means he loves me less now. What sort of warped version of love is that? Based on hair length? Why isn’t it based on 22 years of faithfulness, mother of his children, woman of faith, good person??? And why aren’t I pretty to him regardless? What would happen if I got cancer and need chemo? I guess he’d stop loving me completely?

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

As a footnote I’d like to point out that he’s several years older than me, now in his mid 50’s and had hair but now he’s bald. And sort of pot bellied, but I keep my mouth SHUT about that.

I’m female and been married 27 years. I think you are over reacting to this. Maybe he didn’t exactly phrase it right but all he was doing was trying to express his desire to you that maybe he would like to see you in long hair. To be honest, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Maybe he was trying to communicate with you better. Just because you have never worn your hair longer or he is also showing signs of aging doesn’t mean anything. I wear my hair a little longer because my husband likes long hair. It’s may not be a long as he prefers but I do try. There is nothing wrong with trying to look nice for our spouses even if we are all aging. Not everything has to be a battle in saying or thinking “if I do this, what are you doing for me?” Maybe if you tried to grow it out a little more, maybe he might do something unexpected in return.