Comment from husband wrecks havoc - you decide who is right

[david_patrick]

hi,
i realize other people read this…and I cannot risk to right or wrong-then answers are right or wrong…otherwise, i want to be persuasive using a challenging metaphor, not yet the example of what volume of trouble is under the iceburg unseen-that acerage out in cold atlantic, having unseen volume beneath…rather, take for instance,
a ww1 dog fight of prop driven planes; these turn into flight, into the fight, circling…their strategy is less than snoopy-peanut comic strip-they fly with combat rules; each began in circles with guns blazing-but each must keep a compass direction to have a defense as means of egress, which is linear…

Spiritual healing needs a paradigm shift, from loopy-snoopy sadness to a linear victory, as if to say the mind is in a fog, cycles of fears and worries, and repeats these confusion upon confusion/yet the healing of a moment is far from what is called to duty(in marriage-or to vow or to God)-rather …because the dog fight is circular , loopy;so to UN-NECESSARY saddness can occur/ if it can occur-it will occur! this process in a dog fight (metaphor of survival)//
the impulse of victory-is different from survival-in a spiritual way-to entrust your soul, another’s soul, to the heart that you fought for(this learned to be the heart of Christ)…to learn of the heart of Christ, to learn a healing prayer-to entrust hearts to the heart of Christ/
what the conflict was all about was the heart of Christ…
it is a linear goal away from circling conflict…
Next point:
so hair verses insult?..that being an iceburg, (is this situation all about hair , really?) beneath the mysterious waters of love…it is possible to get angery and this really means proof that you love your significant other/ beneath the waters surface-is hidden-love that is a process…the husband-with male intelligence- knows the cycles-24 hours of female anger-and he knows -you spring back…hence, he does not always care what is says…this is more evidence that there is a sort of battle that wants the heart of Christ to join in…

 

[UnCatholicBride]

You have your haircut every eight weeks? You must be very rich.

Most people get their hair cut every 6-8 weeks. My husband closer to every 5 weeks. I tend to go every 8-10 weeks, but I tend to keep my hair longer. If I’m wearing it shorter, it’s every 6 weeks.

That’s $650 a year or so that we pay total- and that’s with tip at the salon (for me) or barber (for him).

 

[teetee]

—because I am a firm believer in the healing power of humor.

Yeah me too make light of a bad situation.

DH & self have have these battles all the time.

He will say things like ‘I’d love you more if you wear the blue sweater’ I might change the sweater, but if I don’t want too 'I’d reply that’s okay baby, the love you have for me today is enough, I’ll wear the blue sweater tomorrow and take all the extra loving that goes with it !!
If the situation is reverse and I’m the one saying that, and I really really want him to wear the blue sweater, I’ll beg and say ‘please, but I want to love you more tday!’
Kids will actually laugh and say ‘O oh we r gonna have fire works tonight !’

Don’t take it so seriously, sometimes we always don’t word everything correctly. I think he was trying to tell you to make a change, or he’d like to see you in a different look. He just worded it all wrong, couple that with men will not admit they have hurt you seriously !’ (Yes men its true, if you want to argue pls start a new thread we r discussing serious matter here)

My hubby is bald and has a belly too and yes I tell him everytime ‘I love you so much but minus your belly’, He’ll laugh and say I’m to be blamed for that, as I cook good food !
I’m pretty sure if I was in your place I’d say fine I’ll grow my hair, n you get a wig, then we both will have enough hair on our heads to love each other more!
For now, I’ll cut my hair till you buy the wig ! I’d then give him the biggest hug n smother him with kisses. Id also make him say he loves me with short hair and when he gives in and says it, now I’ll add show me you mean it !

 

[kate_jackson]

My husband is 55 and im 50…dont forget at this age we all can get a fair bit wider round the middle etc and sometimes the less confident with intimacy etc …its a phase most people go through and I feel at the moment its all bills and like you with a large family alot of busyness. Its a phase and keep your humour definitely as its def the age for sensitivity about how you look.

 

[Marysann]

I am pretty sure that my husband doesn’t like my hair short, but I do. It is straight and fine, and with this new cut, it always looks great with hardly any work. With long hair I would have to spend a half an hour ever morning trying to fix it. I have much better ways to spend that time. My husband is a diplomat, and knows better than to tell me that he doesn’t like it! I am past sixty-five, and women my age look ridiculous with long hair. I would never mention that his is thinning. Neither of us is as thin as we use to be, either. Accepting each other as we grow older is just part of marriage. I am married to a great guy!

 

[jimmy]

You should understand that the words were probably not planned ahead of time, and speaking on the spur of the moment people often say things in a less than optimal way. He didn’t realize what he was saying when he said it.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

how is the best way to word this?

You’re wrong and your husband is right.

 

[yellowbird]

how is the best way to word this?

You’re wrong and your husband is right.

You might be right. Unless you’re wrong. :b

 

[yellowbird]

Lots of good advice - some of which I plan to take. I appreciate all who took the time to respond. Thank you!

 

[Xantippe]

lovemysix said:

“Finally, I’d have a heck of a lot of fun with it. You want long hair–oh, I’ll give you long hair, baby. And bill the weave and extensions straight to you. While I am at it, I plan to improve my skin with weekly facials, my nails with weekly mani/pedis, my body with a personal trainer, and my wardrobe with my very own stylist. Hope you like paying for it all. Oh, and by the way, you are either going to need to watch the kids or pay somebody to do it while I am busy getting beautiful.”

Very funny!

I remember somebody didn’t like that, but the whole point of the joke was that the money that could have been used to prettify mom has been going to buy stuff for general welfare and entertainment: piano lessons, summer camp, endless shoe purchases for all of the kids, private school tuition, school uniforms, etc. Younger, unmarried childless women spend boatloads of money on being pretty, whereas in a normal family (especially when mom is a SAHM), mom’s clothes, hair and makeup are the first thing to be sacrificed on the altar of family finances.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Yes. This 100%

We want to break the cycle… but we obviously keep pushing each other’s buttons in a bad way.

I asked him if he were joking and he said no. He said he hasn’t liked my hair in years.

sigh

Whatever. There are lots I don’t like about him too so I guess we’re even.

He told you a very simple way to start breaking the cycle. Wear your hair differently. Either skip the cut or ask your stylist for a different look. Hair is a very easy thing to change. It grows back if you cut it too short, it can be dyed and styled. Make a simple effort to look better to him. Even take half and hour to look at one of those hair cut websites with him so he can point out styles he likes. You may really like having a new look too! :curtsey:

 

[EasterJoy]

He didn’t realize what he was saying when he said it.

Few of us think he realized what he was saying. The point is that the message he actually sent was explained to him after he said it, and repairing the hurt feelings was not very high on his priority list.

how is the best way to word this?

You’re wrong and your husband is right.

Ever heard of being dead right?

 

[Peebo]

I’m surprised your husband is still living after a comment like that…I wouldn’t dare say that to my wife

 

[mek42]

When you got upset, did you explicitly state that it was the wording that upset you? It sounds to me like he was still talking about hair, which is not at all the issue, from what I read.

Would you have been as excited if he said, I think you’d be series with long hair, I think I would have more marital lust (a good thing, This boy just doesn’t have different words ) if you grew your hair, I would Eros you more with longer hair? We only have one word for love in English. If he meant Eros when you heard agape, would you have been as upset?

 

[EasterJoy]

When you got upset, did you explicitly state that it was the wording that upset you? It sounds to me like he was still talking about hair, which is not at all the issue, from what I read.

Would you have been as excited if he said, I think you’d be series with long hair, I think I would have more marital lust (a good thing, This boy just doesn’t have different words ) if you grew your hair, I would Eros you more with longer hair? We only have one word for love in English. If he meant Eros when you heard agape, would you have been as upset?

I think that “long hair would be very attractive on you” or “your hair is great, I would love it to be even longer than it is” would be a better tack than “you would be more attractive to me with longer hair”. It is kind of like the difference between “that dress looks wonderful on you” and “wow, nice dress. I had no idea you could look that good.”

Please, gentlemen, do not tell me that those are all the same thing. Please.

 

[Xantippe]

Or “I hate the haircuts you’ve had for the past five years.”

 

[cshoremom]

“I would love for you to have long hair” is perfectly fine.

“I would love you more if you grew your hair”….Um, no.

We have already determined that the poor guys wording was less than tactful…and actually…. hurtful…

Yellowbird… I am praying for you… It sounds like you are going through rough time…and being hurt is not exactly conducive to repairing your strained relationship…

Know that I am praying for you tonight…… Keep working at it. It is worth it!

 

[Pax2u]

Yellowbird, I didn’t have time to read all the posts, but read several pages. I think what your husband said was incredibly rude, and I’m sorry he hurt your feelings. If my DH said that to me, I’d be very hurt…I’d probably come home with a Twiggy haircut! Fortunately, DH would not say that…if I press the question he’ll say he likes long hair, but “heh, it’s your hair, you should wear it the way you want.”

And I don’t think you are being over-sensitive. And I don’t know how so many posters can say they think your husband didn’t mean it, etc. … how do any of us know how he meant it?

I did read one of your posts that said you had talked about counseling, but never got around to actually going. My suggestion to you is to schedule an appointment. If your husband will go…great. But if he gives you excuses and won’t, I would go on my own.

I hope things get better.

 

[phillylawyer]

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Hi yellowbird, I agree that it was a rude thing to say. To offer a slightly different perspective than others have given, my wife and I can sometimes be sarcastic to each other. And, there have times when my wife will say, “You know, I would love you more if you put that toliet seat down.” Or, I would sometimes say, “I would appreciate it and love you more if you made me that delicious steak this week.”

In the context of our marriage, we are being sarcastic and “cute” and we just laugh about it. We know that the other person is not honestly saying, “The level of my love for you is dependent on X action, or Y thing you wear.” It’s just a way of joking and flirting between us.

Now, I have no idea how you and your husband interact or if there was some bit of playful sarcasm in his words. But, I just thought I’d add a slightly different perspective to this whole thing.

Cheers!

 

[John_Lazarus]

** I am past sixty-five, and women my age look ridiculous with long hair. **

This is not necessarily true. Many women of that age group look very nice with long hair. It depends on the person.