Comment from husband wrecks havoc - you decide who is right

[EasterJoy]

This is not necessarily true. Many women of that age group look very nice with long hair. It depends on the person.

Cher, Stockard Channing, Glenn Close, Sally Field, Goldie Hawn…all over 65 and they still keep their hair at least shoulder-length. They do color it, but it is hard to find a famous woman who doesn’t. Even if hair is long and very grey, it looks fine if it is kept neat. Long and grey in a more fly-away is another thing, but even then, if your husband likes it and you like it, who else matters?

 

[Sunbreak]

I’m female and I don’t see this as a big deal. He didn’t insult you and say your hair looks bad as it is now. He just stated a preference - maybe the words weren’t stated right, but I think that’s all it was.

 

[LongingSoul]

OK, “wrecks havoc” is probably a little dramatic… but it was upsetting for me, and my husband thinks it was no big deal. You decide. Here’s the backstory: Married 22 years… 5 children. Ups and downs like any marriage… lately more down than up, but happy or not, we’re in it for the long haul because of our vows and our children.

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Here’s the thing… I’ve never had long hair. Never. When I was in my 20s it was maybe three inches longer than it is now - but I’ve had this - almost to my shoulders for years. I’m no super model, but I’m cute for sure. I keep myself up.

So my insult is not that he’d prefer I had longer hair - it’s that he said he’d LOVE me more if I did. Which means he loves me less now. What sort of warped version of love is that? Based on hair length? Why isn’t it based on 22 years of faithfulness, mother of his children, woman of faith, good person??? And why aren’t I pretty to him regardless? What would happen if I got cancer and need chemo? I guess he’d stop loving me completely?

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

As a footnote I’d like to point out that he’s several years older than me, now in his mid 50’s and had hair but now he’s bald. And sort of pot bellied, but I keep my mouth SHUT about that.

Not sure if anyone has touched on this aspect, but around the 40 to 60 age group it is not uncommon for men (and women) to experience an increased desire to capture some of the youthful passion of life that fades with the arrival of family and responsibilities. It’s part of the natural transition from one phase of life to the next but if not addressed properly can become quite destructive. People can begin to look at their spouse more critically and become more focused on their own appearance and fitness as a way to keep hold of their youth.

I’m not saying his wording was in any way proper but I wouldn’t turn the episode into another battlefront per se because it could mean more to him than just the stupid whimsy that it sounds like to us.

Perhaps you could turn it to something humorous between you and get yourself a cheap wig or hairpiece to surprise him with in an affectionate moment. His probably not really wanting you to grow your hair since you’ve never had it long. It could be just an expression of a natural desire to experience a little more passion in his life. It is prudent not to dismiss that need because it is a common portent of marital troubles when it isn’t empathised with in any way.

That’s just a thought that may or may not be the case. I’ve worked for many years at a counselling organisation and journeyed with people struggling with these mid life crises and transitions.

 

[RACJ]

Cher, Stockard Channing, Glenn Close, Sally Field, Goldie Hawn…all over 65 and they still keep their hair at least shoulder-length. They do color it, but it is hard to find a famous woman who doesn’t. Even if hair is long and very grey, it looks fine if it is kept neat. Long and grey in a more fly-away is another thing, but even then, if your husband likes it and you like it, who else matters?

Jane Seymour, Crystal Gayle and Emmylou Harris look ravishing in their 60’s as well.
Back in February, I saw this long-time friend in her 60’s, and I almost didn’t recognize her. I was almost breathless, her thick brown locks had grown half way down her back. She looked as if she had found the Fountain of Youth! Before this meeting, I had only seen her with long pixie to shoulders. What a pleasant shock.
I don’t think that your husband meant to be mean. But he probably gathered his courage about a subject that he had been contemplating for a long while, and stammered out something stupid-sounding. That’s how I sounded I am sure when I asked my wife to grow her hair back in 2001. For me, it worked, and she wears very long hair to this day.
I figured, if she says NO, at least I tried, and nothing lost. But the answer was a maybe, which changed to YES over time, so the discomfort was worth it! :heaven: Rob

 

[EasterJoy]

Jane Seymour, Crystal Gayle and Emmylou Harris look ravishing in their 60’s as well.
Back in February, I saw this long-time friend in her 60’s, and I almost didn’t recognize her. I was almost breathless, her thick brown locks had grown half way down her back. She looked as if she had found the Fountain of Youth! Before this meeting, I had only seen her with long pixie to shoulders. What a pleasant shock.
I don’t think that your husband meant to be mean. But he probably gathered his courage about a subject that he had been contemplating for a long while, and stammered out something stupid-sounding. That’s how I sounded I am sure when I asked my wife to grow her hair back in 2001. For me, it worked, and she wears very long hair to this day.
I figured, if she says NO, at least I tried, and nothing lost. But the answer was a maybe, which changed to YES over time, so the discomfort was worth it! :heaven: Rob

The problem with thick brown locks halfway down one’s back at the age of 60 is the cost of coloring it and the practical problem of whether one has the kind of hair that can stand all that coloring. Sometimes, fine hair won’t take that much treatment. It breaks off before it gets that long. A husband has to be sensitive to the possibility that long hair that looks young may not be in the cards.

I think the answer to this kind of a gaffe is a sense of humor, frankly. After 22 years, after all, is there any doubt that he loves her? I don’t think so.

HIM: “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”
HER: “Hmm…You would love me more, would you? Why don’t you try re-wording that? I mean, you aren’t exactly the world’s most handsome man, standing there with your foot in your mouth.”

He stammers around, they laugh, he admits that what he means is that he has a thing for longer hair, and they talk about it. She certainly doesn’t have a thing to do with his question until he asks it in a sweet and flattering way.

 

[RACJ]

The problem with thick brown locks halfway down one’s back at the age of 60 is the cost of coloring it and the practical problem of whether one has the kind of hair that can stand all that coloring. Sometimes, fine hair won’t take that much treatment. It breaks off before it gets that long. A husband has to be sensitive to the possibility that long hair that looks young may not be in the cards. I think the answer to this kind of a gaffe is a sense of humor, frankly. After 22 years, after all, is there any doubt that he loves her? I don’t think so. HIM: “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”
HER: “Hmm…You would love me more, would you? Why don’t you try re-wording that? I mean, you aren’t exactly the world’s most handsome man, standing there with your foot in your mouth.” He stammers around, they laugh, he admits that what he means is that he has a thing for longer hair, and they talk about it. She certainly doesn’t have a thing to do with his question until he asks it in a sweet and flattering way.

I think that you are spot on, Joy. The only caveat that I would suggest is that women make two mistakes when dyeing their locks: (1) They often choose colors with which their roots cannot blend, and (2) Many dye the already colored hair again and again. Hair can only take so much processing, so it’s best to try to focus on only the roots when touching up color.
The problem that I have noticed when a lady attempts to grow out short styles is that it takes a long while before one’s efforts begin to succeed. Often for a year or more the old cut actually looks better than the grow-out. Thus it takes great patience and perseverence, and husbands should respect that not everyone can hold true for that long. Rob

 

[RACJ]

Oh give me a break. Did you read my OP? I said I being dramatic. His comment wrecked havoc on my emotions and I posted asking if others thought I was justified in being upset or if his comments were acceptable.
I’m not in “pain” - I was upset. Still am - because he often speaks without thinking. (spoiler alert 99% of women believe men do this. If you can make up statistics so can I. )

If anything, Yellowbird, your “statistic” is about 1% inaccurate! Rob

 

[rinnie]

OK, “wrecks havoc” is probably a little dramatic… but it was upsetting for me, and my husband thinks it was no big deal. You decide. Here’s the backstory: Married 22 years… 5 children. Ups and downs like any marriage… lately more down than up, but happy or not, we’re in it for the long haul because of our vows and our children.

Last night I say I’m getting my haircut tomorrow (it’s been eight weeks) and my husband looks me in the eye and says, “I would love you more if you grew your hair out. I think you’d look much prettier.”

Here’s the thing… I’ve never had long hair. Never. When I was in my 20s it was maybe three inches longer than it is now - but I’ve had this - almost to my shoulders for years. I’m no super model, but I’m cute for sure. I keep myself up.

So my insult is not that he’d prefer I had longer hair - it’s that he said he’d LOVE me more if I did. Which means he loves me less now. What sort of warped version of love is that? Based on hair length? Why isn’t it based on 22 years of faithfulness, mother of his children, woman of faith, good person??? And why aren’t I pretty to him regardless? What would happen if I got cancer and need chemo? I guess he’d stop loving me completely?

So I cried and told him I thought his comments were rude and insensitive, and he’s shallow to say those things. He says I’m way too touchy and why wouldn’t I want to make him happy by growing it out??

What say you?

As a footnote I’d like to point out that he’s several years older than me, now in his mid 50’s and had hair but now he’s bald. And sort of pot bellied, but I keep my mouth SHUT about that.

I personally think you are probally reading more into this then there is.

Bottom line, either grow it out to please him, or get it cut to please yourself. And if he would love you more if its long, and you want short, he will just have to love you less!

 

[shelby_sun]

I would go with what please you and what makes you feel better about yourself and than teach that to your children.

This is not a matter of dressing a certain way from time to time or going out dance once in a while when you would rather not. This is about your day to day image and you need to feel good about yourself. Try to please him in other way, but take care of yourself with this!

I found out a long time ago that my husband kept his look the way he liked, so I started doing the same.