Comments on family size...a twist

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MamaAtHome

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I read the thread about comments coming from strangers, co-workers and relatives, and I can relate to nearly every one of those. But, how about those negative comments from other Catholics, the ones in your parish or in your prayer group or bible study. The ones who say things like “Ya know, the church does okay NFP” … “Just b/c your Catholic doesn’t mean you have to have has many children as possible.” or, “do you know about NFP” or, “don’t you breastfeed?” I even get this from elderly people at daily mass, and mothers with big families that are further spaced.

Does anyone else get these? How do you respond to this? My kids are very closely spaced. We do not use NFP (have never had the need Thanks be to God!) and yes, I do breastfeed, for a few years actually. We have serious reservations with the way CCLI promotes NFP. We even found the brochure from CCLI “NFP, Safe, Healthy, and Effective” on our windshield once!!!

How do others deal with this?
 
“Ya know, the church does okay NFP” … “Just b/c your Catholic doesn’t mean you have to have has many children as possible.” or, “do you know about NFP” or, “don’t you breastfeed?”
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“Don’t you know Christ said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them’?!”
 
If you ever do need NFP, check out the Creighton Model. It is so good and for me, heads above CCL. Easier and I feel like more acurate in my case.
We get the comments, ours our 2 years apart each. But, even when it comes from Catholics, I just figure that it is still such a personal thing. It is no one’s business. Don’t people even realize what they are saying? Why they think it is ok to comment, I have no idea.
A friend here actually said to someone who made a comment about their family size, “Our love life and what God brings from that is really none of your business! That is between God, my husband and me.”
Wish I had the courage to be so bold!
Will be praying for you!
Mum
 
mama at home, I frankly am appalled at the treatment you have received from your faith community. Have you tried other parishes? Seriously, I have had a few comments but nothing like you describe. I have nine children that average 15 months apart. For me it was a lot easier having them so close. Getting back to the statements people are sharing with you, I would practice saying in my sweetest smiling way that we trust God with our fertility,you know as Catholics we must be open to life right? I always use it as an opportunity to evangelize our fellow catholics, if they do not see it lived out by someone, they don’t think it can be done. Be patient, try to share the joy of a large family, even when they don’t seem interested. I love it when a man will say don’t you know whats causing this,(pregnancy) I laugh and say yes! and I found out I liked it! That usually shuts them up. You keep up the good work, you already know that your reward is in heaven. Praise God for women who are willing to lay down their lives for husbands and children.
 
Magdelena, oh this kind of thing doesn’t happen in our parish, our family is actually ‘average’ size among the families in our parish! 🙂 This I get mostly from people at daily mass, (I go to a different church during the week) the church where my husband and I are in FAMILIA, and out and about with our other apostolic projects. I just wondered if others have dealt w/this type of thing, and how you handle it. Truthfully, I ususally just remain silent and smile, otherwise, I might be inclined to be un-charitable!
 
My parish has only one family with more than 5 kids, and only a small handful with more than 2 or 3. The majority of parishoners seem to hold the large families in a comical light. Many jokes, which, I feel, are truly coming out of a certain sense of jealousy. I married one member of the one large family. Many, many comment to me: oh, I hope he doesn’t expect that out of you!
 
I cannot believe that people in your parish would be so horrible!

I find that responses to Catholics who should know better should be stronger.

I highly recommend using off-color language. Swear like a sailor and insult them. Question their catholicity. Say something particularly vicious that you know will make them cry. You know, make fun of their weight. Go really low. So, Fatty, when are you going to learn to push away from the table???

😃

okay…so maybe just pray for them…although if you did do any of the above, I would back you up 100% 👍
 
I think the remark is to smile sweetly and say, “But why would you ask such a thing?”

and when they persist, you put a little emphasis on… “But… why would you ask such a thing?”

and if they still don’t get it, you continue with that firmly glued smile, and you with a little more emphasis, “But why would you ASK?”

and if that doesn’t work, you can say, “Why would you – obviously a daily communicant, so you must take being Catholic seriously – so why would you make such an inappropriate personal remark?” Forget the smile, look 'em dead in the eye and demand a reason why they think they have a right or an obligation to be rude.

Of course, you never discuss such personal things with total strangers!

Boy, Miss Manners would sure like that crowd you know from Daily Mass. :rolleyes:
 
Wow, those really are rude comments. I have heard such things said, though, and it is sad. 😦

Why not ask them, “Can I please see your badge?”
When they ask, “What badge?”
Say, “The one saying you’re a member of the fertility police?” 😃

Seriously, though, I would probably say something like, “Children are a blessing, not a burden.” And if they continued, I would repeat myself, verbatim, until they got they point.

Also, you could simply answer “yes” to many of those questions. “Haven’t you heard of NFP?” “Yes.”
“Don’t you breastfeed?” “Yes.”
 
I think this is because society, which infiltrates into Catholic culture, too, has focused more on marital happiness than having children. Children are blessings, and they do contribute to marital happiness. However, one gets so much vitriol for loving a wife who “pumps out babies.” I am always so impressed by the large, poor families of the past. They knew well what marriage is!
 
MamaAtHome said:
I read the thread about comments coming from strangers, co-workers and relatives, and I can relate to nearly every one of those. But, how about those negative comments from other Catholics, the ones in your parish or in your prayer group or bible study. The ones who say things like “Ya know, the church does okay NFP” … “Just b/c your Catholic doesn’t mean you have to have has many children as possible.” or, “do you know about NFP” or, “don’t you breastfeed?” I even get this from elderly people at daily mass, and mothers with big families that are further spaced.

Does anyone else get these? How do you respond to this? My kids are very closely spaced. We do not use NFP (have never had the need Thanks be to God!) and yes, I do breastfeed, for a few years actually. We have serious reservations with the way CCLI promotes NFP. We even found the brochure from CCLI “NFP, Safe, Healthy, and Effective” on our windshield once!!!

How do others deal with this?
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Yes, we get comments too. It was part of the reason for leaving our Catholic Parish School for a private Catholic school that truely lived the Catholic faith (not just lip service).

This week, my current cross is a pro-choice catholic struggling with the idea of her having a third child…read, “can’t imagine 8 kids! I can’t handle my two!” I’m going in with the mind set that God has put her in my path to show her how children can bless a family. I get to see her for 6 more days. I’m also praying hard for her. As she told me to stop having more (“you need to stop” were her words), she also informed me she almost aborted the baby she was pregnant with a couple of months ago. (she changed her mind, and then miscarried.) She really needs prayers and guidance and I guess that’s why I was put in her path. 🤷

Three weeks ago, it was “you’re too pro-life,” from my mother. I just let that one pass.

Summers are the hardest. We get out and about and see more than our normal circle of friends. Strangers seem to feel free to say what they want.
I just can’t understand why people need to outright condem us for having babies???
 
I’m not married yet, but even discussing children I’ve had people (even Catholics) balk at my saying I want a large family. I had brunch with some people from the parish on Sunday (after going to my second Mass ever) and I was chatting to one young man about wanting children when I marry my boyfriend. I joked about trying to raise a basketball team. He was saying what a lot of children that would be, and I said, “but it’s only five!” Since my boyfriend already has two, we’re almost halfway there and not even married yet!

Here in Asia, though, you have to pay for public school directly (not just out of taxes) so the connection between family size and living cost is much more immediate. I suppose knowing some people’s incomes here in Korea where minimum wage is $3 an hour, it’s entirely possible not to be able to afford more than two kids.
 
I get a lot of comments from my father in law all the time… his comments are along the lines of, “You do know what causes this, right?”
 
The original post is about four years old, so I think this thread will be shut down soon. Resurrecting old threads isn’t encouraged.

That said, it seems to me that NFP users who would make remarks like that are no better than those using birth control. How sad that they miss the point of being open to life!
 
we have ten children.

a long time ago I adopted a few flip responses. i figure if somebody has enough audacity to discuss my fertility in public, here’s what they get:

them: six/ eight/ ten kids??? you must be nuts.
me: ** ** we’re nuts about our kids.****

them: six/ eight/ ten kids??? better you than me.
me: *** better for my kids, too*.**

them: six/ eight/ ten kids??? you know what causes that, don’t you?
me (smiling. shaking my head in exaggerated way): **yes. **

them: six/ eight/ ten kids??? my husband got fixed.
me: my husband’s not broken.

them:** six/ eight/ ten kids??? are you done?**
me: ***i’ll let you know. if you see me with a belly or a baby, then… no. ***

worst one (I had a hard time living this one down. i don’t recommend it)

on the grocery line, the cashier, a friendly chatty (read gossipy) gal pointed to me and said to the old man behind me: Jerry, this gal has nine kids. can you imagine? nine kids? and they’re all so cute!
Jerry: don’t you folks have a TV? you oughta get a TV.
me (cringe alert) and watch everyone else doing it? i don’t think so, Jerry. i prefer the real thing.

one for which i had no flip response was when a Catholic woman said to me, **“i stopped at two. i know what the Church teaches but I can think for myself.” **there was so much acrimony and accusation in her tone. what do you say to that when you’re in line at the library waiting to check out books?

finally, once somebody said,** “you have too many kids.”**
my brilliant daughter (age 8 at the time) said,*** which ones of us shouldn’t be here?***

i don’t condone smart aleck kids, but her question was a good one. which ones shouldn’t be here?
 
I don’t know if I’m lucky or not!

I come from a huge Parish where there is very little communication between parishoners that don’t already know each other. This keeps unwanted questions from unfamiliar people at a minimum, if not at an absolute zero.

The sad part is that there is very little interaction and chance to meet new people.

I did get one comment one day from someone I did not know at a picnic. She was surprised to learn that my first two sons are 7 years apart. When I explained that my first son is from my first marriage, she proceeded to ask, “So, are you comfortable sinning when you receive communion?” :eek:

Totally assumed that I had not received an annulment, and remarried in the Church.

Temper got the best of me and I handled it totally wrong. We’re not friends.

Later she apologized for asking the question after a friend had set her straight, but demanded an apology from me for speaking to her the way I did.

Again, handled it wrong. Told her my remarks would have to sit with her to remind her to keep her mouth shut.

She’s moved away now and I wish I could reconcile with her, but I guess now I’ll have to live with my comments as a reminder to keep my own mouth shut!
 
MomaMary8 said:
Three weeks ago, it was “you’re too pro-life,” from my mother. I just let that one pass.
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:banghead:

There’s no such thing as being too pro-life!!!
monicatholic said:
finally, once somebody said,** “you have too many kids.”**
my brilliant daughter (age 8 at the time) said,*** which ones of us shouldn’t be here?***
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Great response (especially from a child!)!!! 👍
 
:eek: I’m sorry people would say such things to you! I just don’t understand some Cathoics nowadays :o Makes me blush to know that they should know better.

sigh

I was at the grocery store the other day. I have 2, but a babysit an infant and she was with me. Some random man came up to me and just stared then said very sarcastically “You need more”, I could tell he wanted to say something else. Instead of saying “they all are not mine”. I smiled and said “Yeah, my husband and I would LOVE about 4 or 5 more”. He looked like this :eek: and walked away.
 
People can be just clueless. But, if it is any consolation, for every idiot who has an opinion about your having too many children, there is another idiot (maybe the same one) harrassing some poor parent who has only one child or a couple who are childless. 😦
 
IrishAm said:
People can be just clueless. But, if it is any consolation, for every idiot who has an opinion about your having too many children, there is another idiot (maybe the same one) harrassing some poor parent who has only one child or a couple who are childless. 😦
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so many seem to have bad experiences… I wish people could just mind their own little business sometimes and think the best of their neighbour…
My mother was extremely happy to be expecting twins (me and my sis) but some lady came and told her: “OH, that must be terrible, poor you!”. My mom was really mad and still talks about this lady occasionally…
I dont think she was illintended… I see it more as a lack of understanding… some people only see everything from their own persepctive and are incapable of emphathy and trying to place themselves in other peoples shoes.
I, for one, would like to have 4-5 children (which is a lot to me)… no more, and, believe it or not, but I am afraid I am going to have commends from Catholics about me not being open to life and enough pro-life… I know that would hurt my feelings,
but I dont think I need to excuse or explain my self the least when it comes to how many children I would or wouldnt like to have…
😊 we all dont need to do the same things…
 
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