Commitment to Marriage in Spite of Divorce?

[brent68]

After quite a few years of struggle, I am separated from my wife, and in the process of getting divorced. It is not something that I desire, but I understand why she cannot live with me. (Long story, but to summarize, I have not been completely faithful in the past, and I have been acting horribly in my sleep). This whole process has been very difficult for me, especially complicated by difficulties in connecting with my teenaged sons and college aged daughter.

I believe that marriage is forever, and regardless of legal status, I want to stay faithful to her (even though I have not been in the past).

My question is, how can I best do this? Thoughts?

 

[underacloud]

I commend you on your commitment to your marriage, even after civil divorce, and your desire to connect better with your children.

Prayer and the sacraments - mass, reconciliation - will give you grace, strength, and focus to live the life God wants you to live. It may be helpful to meet with a spiritual director also, especially if remaining faithful to your marriage proves challenging.

You may also find it helpful to meet with a counsellor. They could help work with you on the best ways to comminucate with your (ex)wife and your children.

 

[nodito]

I’m sorry that you are going through this. Good for you for wanting to honor your vows.

Are you certain that reconciliation is not possible? Have you tried counseling, retrouvaille, etc? If bad sleep habits are a problem, are there medical solutions? Separate bedrooms in the same house?

That said, if divorce is inevitable I think you ought to continue to act as a married man. This would mean avoiding situations that a happily married man ought to avoid, such as dating, getting too intimate with another woman, flirting, etc. You might continue to wear your wedding ring (and what a witness that would be to your children that marriage is for life! “Dad never even took off his wedding ring.”) Beyond that, I like what the previous poster suggested about relying on frequent reception of the sacraments to help you resist the temptations that are likely to arise based on your current situation.

Are you in a sacramental marriage? It might also help to remind yourself that the grace from the sacrament will continue to be available to you even if you no longer live with or communicate with your spouse.

And, of course, continue to pray for reconciliation and the possibility of resuming conjugal life and common living.

 

[Allegra]

Always remember her in your prayers. That’s probably the best way.

 

[brent68]

I’m sorry that you are going through this. Good for you for wanting to honor your vows.

Thank you. It’s not easy, and I’m definitely responsible for most of the problems we’ve had.

Are you certain that reconciliation is not possible? Have you tried counseling, retrouvaille, etc? If bad sleep habits are a problem, are there medical solutions? Separate bedrooms in the same house?

We got involved in Marriage Encounter about 7 years into our marriage, and were pretty heavily involved for a few years. However, we kind of petered out of that. (fell away from dialoging regularly, and those became very shallow)

We did do some couples counseling on several occasions, but that didn’t seem to help.

As to my sleep issues, I was in individual counseling for a few years, and my counselor thought they were due to me suppressing communication with my wife, and stuff coming out sideways from my subconscious. Unfortunately some of the ways it was coming out was (according to my wife) sleepwalking, sleep driving, and “minor” things like yelling and cussing at her in my sleep, and even physically pulling her out of bed.

I did do a sleep study, but they found nothing, and went to a supposed specialist in sleep disorders (who really knew nothing, but still charged me a $75 copay before telling me he had no clue)

That said, if divorce is inevitable I think you ought to continue to act as a married man. This would mean avoiding situations that a happily married man ought to avoid, such as dating, getting too intimate with another woman, flirting, etc. You might continue to wear your wedding ring (and what a witness that would be to your children that marriage is for life! “Dad never even took off his wedding ring.”) Beyond that, I like what the previous poster suggested about relying on frequent reception of the sacraments to help you resist the temptations that are likely to arise based on your current situation.

It is inevitable. She wants to go the dissolution route, which is cheaper overall. If I didn’t agree, she is still going for the divorce, but it will be more costly.

I do still wear my ring (although she does not). I have no desire for any other women, although I occasionally struggle with the desire to view pornography. She recently told me she has a male “friend” (I did not ask for details nor do I really want to know).

One of the big problems I have is that she is setting some boundaries that I have problems with. In addition, I have difficulty communicating with her, as I tend to get emotional and defensive, and tend to escalate things. I definitely want to get back into counseling, but cost is currently an issue.

Thank you for the advice about frequent reception of the sacraments. I do feel the need to go to Confession more frequently, and would like to attend weekday Mass sometimes (although I struggle with getting up early lol)

Are you in a sacramental marriage? It might also help to remind yourself that the grace from the sacrament will continue to be available to you even if you no longer live with or communicate with your spouse.

Yes, it is a sacramental marriage.

And, of course, continue to pray for reconciliation and the possibility of resuming conjugal life and common living.

Thanks, I pray for her every day.

 

[brent68]

Always remember her in your prayers. That’s probably the best way.

Thank you Allegra. I do try to remember her every day in my prayers. That’s the easy part

The hard part is not letting my emotions get in the way of communicating with her. There is a lot of hurt on her side (as well as some on mine), and I have a hard time dealing with that.

 

[brent68]

I commend you on your commitment to your marriage, even after civil divorce, and your desire to connect better with your children.

Prayer and the sacraments - mass, reconciliation - will give you grace, strength, and focus to live the life God wants you to live. It may be helpful to meet with a spiritual director also, especially if remaining faithful to your marriage proves challenging.

You may also find it helpful to meet with a counsellor. They could help work with you on the best ways to comminucate with your (ex)wife and your children.

Thank you for the insight. I struggle with pornography (and other sexual sins relating to the computer/internet), and have been in a 12-step recovery program, which helps.

Spiritual directors are very difficult to find in my area. I had been seeing a counselor for a few years, but she went on permanent leave, and I have not found another one. I do want to get back into counseling. I was given a reference, but I just recently changed companies as well, and don’t really have the funds at the moment to start back up with counseling. Hopefully in the next month or two I will be able to get back into it.