Common law wife- Catholic me

[phantom87]

Hey there

So not so much a question more … I dunno looking for ideas maybe ?

Background

Me , Catholic never married , no kids been living “Common law” For the past ten years with my partner who is still married to another Catholic (Marriage never told place in the Church) She’s left him along with her two children which I view as mine

Now I have returned to the Church and have talked about the situation in confession and for obv reasons I know that I can’t per take of the Eucharist till A) Marriage number one is dependence with and B) Till our relationship is united in the Church in marriage

My issue now is how any advice as to how to get my better half to be willing to even think about a Marriage again ? Every time I have discussed it with her it’s always been a flat “I don’t want to get married again, what’s the point?” Now I guess one positive sign is that after all these years she and our two daughters have started going to Mass with me and actually are showing an interest in the Church and it’s teachings … We met with a Priest friend of mine and we discussed marriage and he more or less said well … if you love each other why not get married ?

I do miss taking part in the Eucharist, every Sunday and on Holydays of Obligation all of us go up for blessings and I’ve started praying the Rosary asking Our Lady to help soften the heart of my partner towards marriage

I guess this isn’t a question just a long rambling pointless thread about my return to the faith thanks for listening

 

[peter26]

I would point out that not only does the church not recognise the concept of a “common law wife”, but in most jurisdictions neither does the state, meaning there will be tangible legal advantages in a valid marriage, e.g. peace of mind when it comes to inheritance, possibly even tax advantages (depending on where you live of course).

 

[robertmidwest]

I think the best place to start is with your prayer life. Begin developing relationship with God through regular prayer. Seek his will and the strength to follow it.

I think one way to get to start thinking about marriage again too is start looking at your legal situation. You kind of have a mess on your hands here legally. Your living with a woman who is married to another man. There are now two kids who have an emotional attachment to someone who has no legal rights to custody. Do you own property with her?
Let’s say you or her suddenly/unexpectedly lose your income what happens to the “family”? What if you or her suddenly/unexpectedly gets a serious illness?

I think you have some stuff to clean up here and its not all Church business to deal with too. God bless you. Please seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

 

[phantom87]

T. I also hope you know that it is sinful to engage in sexual relations with her, that may be hard for her to accept at this time so be gentle and loving. Praying for you and wishing you a beautiful journey along with the grace needed for some possible hard times ahead. God bless.

Oh yes I am well aware of that … One of the many things we talked about in confession the Priest and I Thank you

 

[phantom87]

I would point out that not only does the church not recognise the concept of a “common law wife”, but in most jurisdictions neither does the state, meaning there will be tangible legal advantages in a valid marriage, e.g. peace of mind when it comes to inheritance, possibly even tax advantages (depending on where you live of course).

In our case the State does recognize common law marriage however, that wouldn’t be the case here anyway since to be considered common law you have to be in a position to marry … And since that isn’t the case here

 

[phantom87]

I think the best place to start is with your prayer life. Begin developing relationship with God through regular prayer. Seek his will and the strength to follow it.

I think one way to get to start thinking about marriage again too is start looking at your legal situation. You kind of have a mess on your hands here legally. Your living with a woman who is married to another man. There are now two kids who have an emotional attachment to someone who has no legal rights to custody. Do you own property with her?
Let’s say you or her suddenly/unexpectedly lose your income what happens to the “family”? What if you or her suddenly/unexpectedly gets a serious illness?

I think you have some stuff to clean up here and its not all Church business to deal with too. God bless you. Please seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

You have raised a few valid points and we have talked about that … What should happen should she, god forbid pass away ? The kids would go to their birth father and there wouldn’t be a thing I could do about it legally … Her response to that is "My mom would fight for custody " Or at least it has been until recently

I myself did have a major operation where I did not have any income about a year and a half ago and boy was that a strain on things

And I have taken to asking for guidance from the Holy Spirit often as well as offering up the Rosary seeking Our Lady’s intercession to soften my partners heart towards marriage in the church , ever hopeful that it can change

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

That is wonderful that you have gone back to the church. Congrats and be assured of my prayers.

People have given good advice regarding the practical stuff and how she should rely on something more than “my mother will fight for custody”.

As for marriage itself, share with her (continually but gently) on how a Catholic marriage differs from a purely civil union/cohabiting relationship. Talk about what it means spiritually, how God is reflected in the vows that the couple makes, etc. The beautiful things that point to transcendence so she understands that by betting married to you she would not just be signing a piece of paper.

And carry on praying, no matter how long it takes. People’s hearts do soften believe me. Plus, she has already shown interest in attending church and that is very important.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m sorry, why is she still married again? And why do you think it is okay to live with a married woman, separated of not? What you are describing is not even “common law,” she is still married.

If you care about your faith as you seem to, this should be a problem for you. Please, make an appointment to talk to your parish priest, and be completely honest with him. Especially the part about her still being married…

 

[phantom87]

Thanks for your response , she doesn’t feel like she is strong enough to deal with the deep wounds that this marriage has caused in her life as yet and that is why she has not delt with things to this point

And yes we have (the two of us) Have been with the Priest a number of times , the Vicar general for the diocese in fact … He’s aware of all the facts in the case … Now the man my current partner is married to is a Catholic as well , his first marriage also ended in Divorce however never in a Church annulment

Therefore as the Priest pointed out it (In the eyes of the church) is as if the second marriage never happened and thus a divorce will be required of course but that then we can move forward from there

I’m sorry, why is she still married again? And why do you think it is okay to live with a married woman, separated of not? What you are describing is not even “common law,” she is still married.

If you care about your faith as you seem to, this should be a problem for you. Please, make an appointment to talk to your parish priest, and be completely honest with him. Especially the part about her still being married…

 

[robertmidwest]

Thanks for your response , she doesn’t feel like she is strong enough to deal with the deep wounds that this marriage has caused in her life as yet and that is why she has not delt with things to this point

And yes we have (the two of us) Have been with the Priest a number of times , the Vicar general for the diocese in fact … He’s aware of all the facts in the case … Now the man my current partner is married to is a Catholic as well , his first marriage also ended in Divorce however never in a Church annulment

Therefore as the Priest pointed out it (In the eyes of the church) is as if the second marriage never happened and thus a divorce will be required of course but that then we can move forward from there

Is her ex paying support? Does he want custody or visitation? Taking care of the legal end may a lot simpler than she is worried about.

 

[phantom87]

Is her ex paying support? Does he want custody or visitation? Taking care of the legal end may a lot simpler than she is worried about.

He does pay support yes and he does have visitation (He had them with him over Christmas and New Years)

 

[robertmidwest]

He does pay support yes and he does have visitation (He had them with him over Christmas and New Years)

Sounds like you have details worked out. What is stopping the divorce? Is he going suddenly decide to contest it?

 

[Irishmom2]

Thanks for your response , she doesn’t feel like she is strong enough to deal with the deep wounds that this marriage has caused in her life as yet and that is why she has not delt with things to this point

And yes we have (the two of us) Have been with the Priest a number of times , the Vicar general for the diocese in fact … He’s aware of all the facts in the case … Now the man my current partner is married to is a Catholic as well , his first marriage also ended in Divorce however never in a Church annulment

Therefore as the Priest pointed out it (In the eyes of the church) is as if the second marriage never happened and thus a divorce will be required of course but that then we can move forward from there

I don’t mean to be obtuse, but after ten years of living with you, she would rather still be married to the man that has caused her deep wounds.

Ten years. I would not feel happy knowing the man I love and lived with (though I wouldn’t have done what you are doing) would rather stay bound to his wife than get a divorce and marry me. I would feel like perhaps there is the slightest chance that he hoped to somehow get back together with his wife.

Beyond that, I am having a hard time believing that a priest would “encourage” your relationship by saying you could move forward after a divorce and she STILL doesn’t get divorced.

And I also wonder if the priest mentioned to you that living together is wrong unless you are married.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks for your response , she doesn’t feel like she is strong enough to deal with the deep wounds that this marriage has caused in her life as yet and that is why she has not delt with things to this point

And yes we have (the two of us) Have been with the Priest a number of times , the Vicar general for the diocese in fact … He’s aware of all the facts in the case … Now the man my current partner is married to is a Catholic as well , his first marriage also ended in Divorce however never in a Church annulment

Therefore as the Priest pointed out it (In the eyes of the church) is as if the second marriage never happened and thus a divorce will be required of course but that then we can move forward from there

She’s not strong enough to deal with it, but she’s strong enough to enter into another relationship with children?
Something is "off: here. Go talk to that priest asap and get this mess sorted out.

You are still living with a married woman, not your wife.
How can the priest overlook this? makes no sense/

 

[phantom87]

I don’t mean to be obtuse, but after ten years of living with you, she would rather still be married to the man that has caused her deep wounds.

Ten years. I would not feel happy knowing the man I love and lived with (though I wouldn’t have done what you are doing) would rather stay bound to his wife than get a divorce and marry me. I would feel like perhaps there is the slightest chance that he hoped to somehow get back together with his wife.

Beyond that, I am having a hard time believing that a priest would “encourage” your relationship by saying you could move forward after a divorce and she STILL doesn’t get divorced.

And I also wonder if the priest mentioned to you that living together is wrong unless you are married.

I didn’t say the Priest encouraged anything … and once once the divorce is dealt with then we can proceed with fixing the defect in our relationship IE) Marriage in the church

The Priest didn’t need to mention that it is wrong for two unmarried people to live together however he did, also pointed out that the nephew of the Bishop has been living with his GF leading to their upcoming marriage as an aside

 

[phantom87]

She’s not strong enough to deal with it, but she’s strong enough to enter into another relationship with children?
Something is "off: here. Go talk to that priest asap and get this mess sorted out.

You are still living with a married woman, not your wife.
How can the priest overlook this? makes no sense/

In the eyes of the Vicar General she isn’t married … never was , the man she is married too is a Catholic, divorced but never got a annulment via the church … Therefore that marriage is still valid in the eyes of the Church and he is bound to that relationship

 

[Irishmom2]

In all of your answers OP, you seem to sidestep what is asked of you, or sidestep that your ten years of living together is wrong.

Honestly, what is it you hoped to gain or learn by posting here? I would like to understand, but I don’t because you are not really making yourself clear.

Do you want to marry her?

Have you asked her to divorce so you can marry?

You don’t have to answer those here, I just want you to think about what you are doing to your life because she is not interested in divorcing…

 

[phantom87]

In all of your answers OP, you seem to sidestep what is asked of you, or sidestep that your ten years of living together is wrong.

Honestly, what is it you hoped to gain or learn by posting here? I would like to understand, but I don’t because you are not really making yourself clear.

Do you want to marry her?

Yes, yes I do

Have you asked her to divorce so you can marry?

Yes, the answer up till she started attending Mass has been "I don’t want to " or “I don’t see the point:”

You don’t have to answer those here, I just want you to think about what you are doing to your life because she is not interested in divorcing…

 

[Irishmom2]

Ok then. I never understand people that stay with people that tell them they don’t want to marry them.

 

[pianistclare]

In the eyes of the Vicar General she isn’t married … never was , the man she is married too is a Catholic, divorced but never got a annulment via the church … Therefore that marriage is still valid in the eyes of the Church and he is bound to that relationship

this makes NO SENSE.

There are too many odd scenarios here.
If the woman in question was legally married, she is married.
What the Bishop’s nephew does is irrelevant to your case.