Common question

[His_angel]

I know this question is asked a lot, but the general reply isn’t very helpful.

How far is one allowed to go with a significant other before marriage? Is french-kissing sinning, or kissing at all? I thought the rule was generally that if it leads to arousal it’s sinning, but that might mean a hug. And in similar regards, how far can one go in marriage before they have to go all the way?

It seems like the rule is, even when you’re married, you have to act like you’re only dating, or else you have to just go all the way and have sex.

 

[Robbinson]

I know this question is asked a lot, but the general reply isn’t very helpful.

How far is one allowed to go with a significant other before marriage? Is french-kissing sinning, or kissing at all? I thought the rule was generally that if it leads to arousal it’s sinning, but that might mean a hug. And in similar regards, how far can one go in marriage before they have to go all the way?

It seems like the rule is, even when you’re married, you have to act like you’re only dating, or else you have to just go all the way and have sex.

Whatever you would be comfortable with another doing with your spouse (husband or wife). Seriously, that is a good way to look at it, after all, your date may someday be someone elses spouse and someone elses’ date may someday be your spouse!

That being said, I did not abide by this in my youth (I’m ashamed to admit), although I did refrain from making love until my wife (and visa versa) which is a wonderful bond we now share and I think that helps within the marraige (20 plus years of marraige and going strong).

Blessings,

Brian

 

[WindowsLM]

I had this same question recently because I wasn’t sure how to proceed with my current girlfriend.

Speaking from a man’s perspective and having looked through the previous threads I can vouch for you not receiving the answers you are seeking.

I am in the process of becoming catholic and for the past 25 years I have been societized with the ways of my thinking. I understand now why things are the way they are, but it took me a long time to realize this.

Here is my rule of thumb, while the simple touch can make you aroused, it doesn’t mean that you are thinking of having pre-marital sex. The first time I tried smoking I was aroused, not by sexual thoughts, just nervous because I knew it was wrong.

I don’t think hugging or kissing is wrong, even if it has that effect on you, just as long as your don’t let your thoughts wonder.

I was just talking about this in RCIA with my priest. He said you can think a girl is attractive, and then impure thoughts start entering your head but you stop them, no sin committed. Similarly if you french-kissed your girlfriend, and it felt great emotionally, but also aroused you. You stop the sexual thoughts, and focus on how great it feels to share that special kiss with her, no sin committed.

However, if you continue thinking those sexual thoughts about an attractive girl, or if you were aroused by french-kissing and you continue to french-kiss knowing what it is doing to you and possibly her, then it is a sin.

Hope that helps.

 

[William1964]

You can do everything with your significant other what you do with your grandmother.

 

[rwoehmke]

One of the keys to sinless romantic behaviors is in the timing. A lingering kiss or hug can become very arousing, but the kind of kiss one might give to a baby or one’s mother is not. On the other hand lots of quick kisses in a short time period can have a very arousing result, so duration and intensity matter a lot. When arousal starts, it is time to take a rest from whatever activity is going on. As for French Kissing, I don’t know of anyone, except a very cold fish, who can do that without getting aroused. When I was a school boy French Kissing, by its very nature, was considered a mortal sin. Maybe modern sex drenched society has taken all the bang out of a French kiss. I do know that for us guys growing up in the late forties and fifties that French kissing and close dancing were very arousing and led to plenty of lustful thoughts. Have the times and the human body changed all that much?

 

[WindowsLM]

One of the keys to sinless romantic behaviors is in the timing. A lingering kiss or hug can become very arousing, but the kind of kiss one might give to a baby or one’s mother is not. On the other hand lots of quick kisses in a short time period can have a very arousing result, so duration and intensity matter a lot. When arousal starts, it is time to take a rest from whatever activity is going on. As for French Kissing, I don’t know of anyone, except a very cold fish, who can do that without getting aroused. When I was a school boy French Kissing, by its very nature, was considered a mortal sin. Maybe modern sex drenched society has taken all the bang out of a French kiss. I do know that for us guys growing up in the late forties and fifties that French kissing and close dancing were very arousing and led to plenty of lustful thoughts. Have the times and the human body changed all that much?

Well, keep in mind that I am becoming catholic and was not raised catholic so I might be off here, but I have watched a lot of sex scenes and not gotten aroused at all. I’ve guess I’ve just seen it so much that it doesn’t have any affect on me.

I’ve french kissed without getting aroused too. Now that I am learning how things are and should be, I have different views on things. I find that in my current relationship a french-kiss isn’t necessary. It doesn’t add anything at this point of the relationship that a regular kiss doesn’t. I like kissing my girlfriend very much, but I do not feel comfortable french-kissing her. It isn’t for fear of getting aroused, but rather that I just don’t think we are ready for that step.

 

[Holly3278]

Personally, before marriage, I would not engage in french kissing. The reason is that it could be a near occasion of sin. That said, I am guilty of engaging in french kissing and putting myself in a near occasion of sin. Or at least I have been in the past.

 

[chevalier]

Whatever you would be comfortable with another doing with your spouse (husband or wife).

Well, you obviously don’t want anyone reciting love poetry while holding your spouse’s hand and looking him/her in the eyes and that is not forbidden before marriage!

Seriously, that is a good way to look at it, after all, your date may someday be someone elses spouse and someone elses’ date may someday be your spouse!

Yup. I sometimes try a different approach, too. I imagine what if my future wife whoever it will be (if) would see me right then? Or how would I tell the story to her? If that’s not something I wouldn’t like my future wife to see me doing, I don’t do it.

As for French kissing, I’d rather not (but I got a painful break-up two years ago and I’m still not back in shape, so I’m a bit out of touch). And I wouldn’t feel great not being sure if the other person is dealing well with it. You can do it without getting aroused, but what’s the point of kissing if you’re distancing yourself emotionally and putting on a strict control regime? It’s no longer fun when you need to watch it so carefully. Better find an activity that doesn’t require that of you. There are many. You’ll find plenty of opposite sex folks that’ll French kiss you but few who will engage in your hobbies with you.

 

[WindowsLM]

You can do it without getting aroused, but what’s the point of kissing if you’re distancing yourself emotionally and putting on a strict control regime? It’s no longer fun when you need to watch it so carefully. Better find an activity that doesn’t require that of you. There are many. You’ll find plenty of opposite sex folks that’ll French kiss you but few who will engage in your hobbies with you.

I first read this wrong I think, but after re-reading it, I think I get it.

That is a good point made. I would much rather enjoy the same hobbies and interests than spend all night french kissing. I love having and sharing that bonding time with her, and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.

Thank you for that post, I wasn’t planning on frenching my g/f, but this really reminds me the importance of waiting, and why you should, thanks again.

 

[chevalier]

I first read this wrong I think, but after re-reading it, I think I get it.

Sorry, it was rather late and I wasn’t very fresh.

That is a good point made. I would much rather enjoy the same hobbies and interests than spend all night french kissing. I love having and sharing that bonding time with her, and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. Thank you for that post, I wasn’t planning on frenching my g/f, but this really reminds me the importance of waiting, and why you should, thanks again.

Yes, that bonding is much more important. One of the problems with French kissing is that is sometimes becomes some kind of substitute for the things which can’t be done. It may become a “thing to do together” and that’s not good. I’m not actually against French kissing before marriage, but it’s a risky job and as you say, not worth the dangers. Thank you too, by the way, that wasn’t something I thought about.