Communicating Rules to a Friend - Advice Needed

[TakingItAllIn]

Hello,

I recently agreed to go to Mass with a friend who does not regularly attend Mass. Just from some casual conversation about Mass, I suspect that my friend is not very well catechized about certain rules and expectations. For example, my friend was not aware that weekly Mass is an obligation and to miss Mass is a sin. That said, I am asking for advice on how best to approach the subject that my friend must fist go to Confession before she should receive Communion. I suspect that it has been a while since she has been to Confession. I am just looking for a diplomatic way of handling the situation.

Thank you.

 

[1ke]

Hello,

I recently agreed to go to Mass with a friend who does not regularly attend Mass. Just from some casual conversation about Mass, I suspect that my friend is not very well catechized about certain rules and expectations. For example, my friend was not aware that weekly Mass is an obligation and to miss Mass is a sin. That said, I am asking for advice on how best to approach the subject that my friend must fist go to Confession before she should receive Communion. I suspect that it has been a while since she has been to Confession. I am just looking for a diplomatic way of handling the situation.

Thank you.

It’s not your place to decide she should go to Reconciliation or whether she should receive the Eucharist.

You can suggest some reading material. You should NOT “bring up” anything else with her.

 

[TimothyH]

“I’m going to confession this Saturday at 3:00. Want to come? I’ll pick you up so that you don’t have to drive. We can go for coffee after.”

-Tim-

 

[Regina7]

It’s not your place to decide she should go to Reconciliation or whether she should receive the Eucharist.

You can suggest some reading material. You should NOT “bring up” anything else with her.

Why not? If I misunderstood a Church teaching, I’d appreciate someone telling me. In fact, that’s happened to me several times.

The OP is going to mass with this friend, so it’s not like a religion talk would be out of left field.

Obviously, there are nice ways to discuss these things, but not discussing them at all hardly seems charitable.

Several times when I was in a similair situation, I’ve said something like “I really need to get to confession so that I can receive communion on Sunday.” That often starts a conversation, like “Uh, what? You do? Why?” The nice thing is it’s centered on me rather than pointing fingers or assuming friend hasn’t been to confession.

 

[Evan]

I think it may be incumbent upon you to bring up uncomfortable information.

The spiritual works of mercy are:

To instruct the ignorant;
To counsel the doubtful;
To admonish sinners;
To bear wrongs patiently;
To forgive offences willingly;
To comfort the afflicted;
To pray for the living and the dead.

 

[mek42]

Are you absolutely sure that whatever you might say will not turn her away in any way? I seem to recall Jesus being displeased with those who turned children away from him; it sounds like your friend may very well be a child in faith.

 

[otjm]

Why not? If I misunderstood a Church teaching, I’d appreciate someone telling me. In fact, that’s happened to me several times.

The OP is going to mass with this friend, so it’s not like a religion talk would be out of left field.

Obviously, there are nice ways to discuss these things, but not discussing them at all hardly seems charitable.

Several times when I was in a similair situation, I’ve said something like “I really need to get to confession so that I can receive communion on Sunday.” That often starts a conversation, like “Uh, what? You do? Why?” The nice thing is it’s centered on me rather than pointing fingers or assuming friend hasn’t been to confession.

I think you answered the question in the first paragraph with your last paragraph.

Your response is not a direct “Tell them how it is”, but rather, an indirect approach.

It is interesting to read the Gospels; Christ dealt with all sorts of people, and it was only a very narrow grouping with whom He was harsh - those who knew the law backwards and forwards, and flat out didn’t get it; or “got it” and chose to distort it.

With non - Pharisees and non - Saducees, He was far, far more gentle. Read the story of the woman at the well, and He was, like you suggest, indirect. Not hesitating to speak the truth, but certainly not beating her over the head for all the sleeping around she had done.

There is an old phrase - there are more flies drawn to honey than to vinegar.

I have worked for a number of years in both RCIA and in Catholics Returning Home, and in both, one needs to not use a cudgel. In the OP’s case, the woman appears to be barely catechized. One does not give someone else a drink with a fire hose.

 

[otjm]

I think it may be incumbent upon you to bring up uncomfortable information.

The spiritual works of mercy are:

To instruct the ignorant;
To counsel the doubtful;
To admonish sinners;
To bear wrongs patiently;
To forgive offences willingly;
To comfort the afflicted;
To pray for the living and the dead.

Speaking the truth is one issue.

How you deliver it is entirely a different subject; and ;those who confuse the two often do far, far more harm than good, all in the name of righteousness, which too often, to an outside observer, begins to take on the appearance of self-righteousness.

 

[Regina7]

I think you answered the question in the first paragraph with your last paragraph.

Your response is not a direct “Tell them how it is”, but rather, an indirect approach.

It is interesting to read the Gospels; Christ dealt with all sorts of people, and it was only a very narrow grouping with whom He was harsh - those who knew the law backwards and forwards, and flat out didn’t get it; or “got it” and chose to distort it.

With non - Pharisees and non - Saducees, He was far, far more gentle. Read the story of the woman at the well, and He was, like you suggest, indirect. Not hesitating to speak the truth, but certainly not beating her over the head for all the sleeping around she had done.

There is an old phrase - there are more flies drawn to honey than to vinegar.

I have worked for a number of years in both RCIA and in Catholics Returning Home, and in both, one needs to not use a cudgel. In the OP’s case, the woman appears to be barely catechized. One does not give someone else a drink with a fire hose.

I absolutely agree. Tact should always be used, and the particular approach should depend on the particular person. However, not saying anything, directly or indirectly, and saying it’s that person’s problem, isn’t charitable either.

I’m always confused when people say, “Thats none of your business. It’s between that person and God whether s/he’s been to confession, etc.” In the case like OP, how will the other person learn the truth if no one speaks up? Otjm, this last paragraph wasn’t directed to you, just a general thought.

 

[otjm]

I absolutely agree. Tact should always be used, and the particular approach should depend on the particular person. However, not saying anything, directly or indirectly, and saying it’s that person’s problem, isn’t charitable either.

I’m always confused when people say, “Thats none of your business. It’s between that person and God whether s/he’s been to confession, etc.” In the case like OP, how will the other person learn the truth if no one speaks up? Otjm, this last paragraph wasn’t directed to you, just a general thought.

I am not going to speak for 1ke, but I suspect that he would not be against a more indirect route to broaching the subject. Some people are all or nothing, but having seen his posts for a long time, I don’t find him to be one of those; perhaps a bit blunt at times, but not one to shy from truth.

On the other hand, I do take him for someone who has seen enough of the “blunt, no clue as to how I am coming across” gang to tend towards cautiousness to an apparent extreme.

But then, he can speak for himself. Neither one of us is shy.

 

[ProVobis]

“I’m going to confession this Saturday at 3:00. Want to come? I’ll pick you up so that you don’t have to drive. We can go for coffee after.”

This is good.

However, be prepared for another onslaught of questions if he accepts. After all, it may have been years since he even spoke to a priest.

But then again, I think asking questions is good. And we should be honest with the person if we don’t know the answer.

 

[TakingItAllIn]

Thank you to everybody that has responded to my post.

I have read your replies carefully. Regina7’s reply resonated with me in particular. I am a recent revert back to the faith. Frankly, there were a lot of aspects of the faith that I just didn’t know before. Nobody had explained to me the rules of receiving the Eucharist and weekly Mass obligation. I learned about it through internet. What sort of subliminally sparked my attention was the media attention over the Synod on the Family last Fall and the issue of divorce/civil re-marriage/communion. I was only paying attention to mainstream media at the time and not Catholic media at the time.

Once I realized that I needed to go to Confession, I took a few weeks to get up the nerve and prepare myself. I am sympathetic to those who have not been to Confession for a while and think that it could be helpful not to rush it too much.

The friend that I mentioned is somebody I know through other friends. The people in our circle are mainly non-religious. I have barely spoken to my friend about religion. Maybe it would be good to meet up for coffee to talk about faith a little. I’m still thinking this through.

 

[OraLabora]

Speaking the truth is one issue.

How you deliver it is entirely a different subject; and ;those who confuse the two often do far, far more harm than good, all in the name of righteousness, which too often, to an outside observer, begins to take on the appearance of self-righteousness.

I agree. We also have to consider the dergree of authority we have over a person. Unless we are the other’s parent, legal guardian, teacher, pastor or spiritual director, usually our degree of authority is zilch. We must therefore be very circumspect before we bring up such a subject. Of course if the other person asks questions, not to trap as a Pharisee would but out of genuine curiosity or desire to learn more, then I answer as best I can but not in a way that would call my friend on any of his shortcomings that I think I may perceive.

 

[1ke]

I am not going to speak for 1ke, but I suspect that he .

He is a she

 

[1ke]

Why not?

If a person who has been away from the Church asks you to go to Mass with them, you don’t lead with all their sins and all the things they have done wrong, and how you perceive they are a big ol’ sinner who needs confession.

You say “ok” and you keep your mouth shut.

You invite them to confession with you, or perhaps they will bring it up on their own.

I can only speak from my own experience which is with a fallen away Catholic who lived in the apartments below me when I was younger. He knew I was a Catholic but we never talked much about it other than he saw me going to church and church activities. He’d been away from the church, committed adultery, divorced his wife, and lived with another gal at that time.

When he expressed curiosity about going to Mass one day out of the blue I didn’t unload on him. I just listened. A few weeks later, he asked if he could go to confession with me. I said yes. Again, I didn’t prompt him on WHAT he should confess. Not my job.

What happened next? His fallen away Catholic live in girlfriend went through RCIA and became reconciled with the Church. They moved out. He got back with and remarried the exwife he committed adultery on.

Did I ever say a word to him? No.

When the Holy Spirit is moving someone, stay out of their way and for God’s sake let the Holy Spirit DO HIS THING.

 

[AdorateDominum]

That said, I am asking for advice on how best to approach the subject that my friend must fist go to Confession before she should receive Communion.

Just tell her. Yes, be gentle, yes, don’t be a jerk. But tell her the truth without watering it down and without fear.

We live in an age in the Church that, frankly, is **afraid **of being honest, straightforward, and of speaking with simplicity. We have this idea that the truth of the Catholic faith needs to be obscured in a mishmash of equivocations, neologisms, buzz words, fuzzy words, slogans. We act (and are taught) as though we should hide our desire to convert lost souls, to make everything a covert operation, lest we forever offend them, and make it absolutely impossible for the Holy Spirit ever to affect them again. Is that how the world was converted?

Have the courage to evangelize openly. People **need **the Church, because it is the means Christ established for salvation. It is incredibly uncharitable to be afraid to tell people that because we’re so worried about being nice and not offending our PC culture.

Don’t let the enemy sterilize your zeal for souls.

 

[Regina7]

Just tell her. Yes, be gentle, yes, don’t be a jerk. But tell her the truth without watering it down and without fear.

We live in an age in the Church that, frankly, is **afraid **of being honest, straightforward, and of speaking with simplicity. We have this idea that the truth of the Catholic faith needs to be obscured in a mishmash of equivocations, neologisms, buzz words, fuzzy words, slogans. We act (and are taught) as though we should hide our desire to convert lost souls, to make everything a covert operation, lest we forever offend them, and make it absolutely impossible for the Holy Spirit ever to affect them again. Is that how the world was converted?

Have the courage to evangelize openly. People **need **the Church, because it is the means Christ established for salvation. It is incredibly uncharitable to be afraid to tell people that because we’re so worried about being nice and not offending our PC culture.

Don’t let the enemy sterilize your zeal for souls.

 

[otjm]

He is a she

Ooops.