S
simplesong77
Guest
This may be long, but here we go…
My husband and I have been married for going on 5 years this summer, we have one child (2). I would say our marriage is pretty good, we are both happy 80-90% of the time, things are usually happy and we get along. However, that 10-15% of the time when things aren’t going great, it’s pretty bad. I think we both have trouble communicating with one another and it seems like we keep having the same type argument over and over and over again. Other than this issue, things are great. I’m wondering if we should go to counseling or seek some sort of outside help. I’m not sure what else to do, this keeps resurfacing and I feel like it’s getting more and more often. It used to be once every few months, now I feel like it’s at least once a month, or more. We’ve talked about it several times but it doesn’t seem like it’s making any progress.
Here’s an example…My husband was just deployed for 3 months (not in combat, just overseas working a few months) and got home a few days ago. Everything was wonderful until about day 3 and then he started noticing things around the house that hadn’t gotten done that I had planned to do while he was gone. Then he began accusing me of being lazy, not caring about our stuff, not taking care of things, etc, etc. He even blamed me for the fact that his car was making a weird noise when he was driving it today, saying that I didn’t drive it enough while he was gone and he doesn’t trust me to take care of things. Of the 3 months he was gone, I was only home a few weeks of those (lots of traveling, staying with my family out of state, visitors staying with us, etc). He knew this and was okay with it, and to be honest, I was just exhausted when I was home and really didn’t get to nearly as much around the house that I was planning on. None of it was life threatening, we’re talking about minor drywall repairs, re-painting a bedroom, organizing the basement, etc, cosmetic things just for us…nothing that needed attention ASAP. I knew it was important to him to get these things done, but at the end of the day I just didn’t have the energy sometimes. Some of it did get done, but probably only about 10% of what I had planned to do. I never told him that I got it all done, he knew what was done before he got home, and at the time seemed fine with that.
He then starts to not talk to me much, he’s distant…and unless I has him a direct question he doesn’t have much to say, kind of like he shut himself down from me. This is day 3 after being gone 3 months! I am so upset that he is being like this! I just want to enjoy him being home and hang out as a family. He’s so focused on things that he wants to get done around the house and I feel unimportant to him. Today we spent the day going to Home Depot and an outdoor equipment store because he is so focused on it and he spent a few hours working on stuff in the yard alone.
He needed to do a few things at work this afternoon and my daughter and I were going to tag along, so I asked him what time he was planning on going…he said “I don’t know, maybe 5”, so I said “okay, well, I was just wondering if I’d need to jump in the shower soon…or?” and then he basically went off of me and said that I can never make a decision and that he doesn’t want me to come anymore and that I can just stay home. Sooo, that’s what I planned on doing for the next hour. Then an hour later he is asking me if I’m coming or not because he is leaving in 10 minutes. I told him “no, you told me he didn’t want me to come so I’m staying home”. So he left, no kiss goodbye.
Ugh. I just feel like there is all this tension and this happens quite a bit lately. Normally there is no resolution, things just fade away in a few days and then resurface again a few weeks/months later. So exhausting. I just want to enjoy having my husband home and for us to be happy with one another. When it’s good, it’s awesome…when it’s bad…it’s exhausting and I feel like we get no where. Help! I’m pretty sure we both have issues communicating and maybe his expectations of me as a wife are too high…I don’t really know. I often feel like I’m not good enough and never do anything right, he is always the one to lay the blame on me. I can honestly say I have never started an argument and never directly flat out blamed him for anything. I would never do that to him because I wouldn’t want him to feel inadequate, but I feel like he does it to me all the time.
My husband and I have been married for going on 5 years this summer, we have one child (2). I would say our marriage is pretty good, we are both happy 80-90% of the time, things are usually happy and we get along. However, that 10-15% of the time when things aren’t going great, it’s pretty bad. I think we both have trouble communicating with one another and it seems like we keep having the same type argument over and over and over again. Other than this issue, things are great. I’m wondering if we should go to counseling or seek some sort of outside help. I’m not sure what else to do, this keeps resurfacing and I feel like it’s getting more and more often. It used to be once every few months, now I feel like it’s at least once a month, or more. We’ve talked about it several times but it doesn’t seem like it’s making any progress.
Here’s an example…My husband was just deployed for 3 months (not in combat, just overseas working a few months) and got home a few days ago. Everything was wonderful until about day 3 and then he started noticing things around the house that hadn’t gotten done that I had planned to do while he was gone. Then he began accusing me of being lazy, not caring about our stuff, not taking care of things, etc, etc. He even blamed me for the fact that his car was making a weird noise when he was driving it today, saying that I didn’t drive it enough while he was gone and he doesn’t trust me to take care of things. Of the 3 months he was gone, I was only home a few weeks of those (lots of traveling, staying with my family out of state, visitors staying with us, etc). He knew this and was okay with it, and to be honest, I was just exhausted when I was home and really didn’t get to nearly as much around the house that I was planning on. None of it was life threatening, we’re talking about minor drywall repairs, re-painting a bedroom, organizing the basement, etc, cosmetic things just for us…nothing that needed attention ASAP. I knew it was important to him to get these things done, but at the end of the day I just didn’t have the energy sometimes. Some of it did get done, but probably only about 10% of what I had planned to do. I never told him that I got it all done, he knew what was done before he got home, and at the time seemed fine with that.
He then starts to not talk to me much, he’s distant…and unless I has him a direct question he doesn’t have much to say, kind of like he shut himself down from me. This is day 3 after being gone 3 months! I am so upset that he is being like this! I just want to enjoy him being home and hang out as a family. He’s so focused on things that he wants to get done around the house and I feel unimportant to him. Today we spent the day going to Home Depot and an outdoor equipment store because he is so focused on it and he spent a few hours working on stuff in the yard alone.
He needed to do a few things at work this afternoon and my daughter and I were going to tag along, so I asked him what time he was planning on going…he said “I don’t know, maybe 5”, so I said “okay, well, I was just wondering if I’d need to jump in the shower soon…or?” and then he basically went off of me and said that I can never make a decision and that he doesn’t want me to come anymore and that I can just stay home. Sooo, that’s what I planned on doing for the next hour. Then an hour later he is asking me if I’m coming or not because he is leaving in 10 minutes. I told him “no, you told me he didn’t want me to come so I’m staying home”. So he left, no kiss goodbye.
Ugh. I just feel like there is all this tension and this happens quite a bit lately. Normally there is no resolution, things just fade away in a few days and then resurface again a few weeks/months later. So exhausting. I just want to enjoy having my husband home and for us to be happy with one another. When it’s good, it’s awesome…when it’s bad…it’s exhausting and I feel like we get no where. Help! I’m pretty sure we both have issues communicating and maybe his expectations of me as a wife are too high…I don’t really know. I often feel like I’m not good enough and never do anything right, he is always the one to lay the blame on me. I can honestly say I have never started an argument and never directly flat out blamed him for anything. I would never do that to him because I wouldn’t want him to feel inadequate, but I feel like he does it to me all the time.