Communication problems with my mother

[lalabean33]

Before I met my wife, I had a good relationship with my mom. Ever since my mom met my wife (then girlfriend) it all went down hill. It started out with my mom sending abusive e-mails to me about my girlfriend and for the first year and a half of our relationship, I didn’t completely realize how abusive my mother was. My girlfriend even apologized for misunderstandings several times that she didn’t understand herself, but my mother continued to be abusive.

My girlfriend at the time finally got through to me, and told me to stop tolerating the abuse, and how it wasn’t normal. It’s one thing for my mother to have a negative opinion about my girlfriend and share it with me lovingly maybe once or twice, but to mention it every time I spoke to her over e-mail or skype it got to be a bit too much. The past 3 or so years I’ve tried to lovingly explain to her how unhealthy and how abusive she was being. I emphasized healthy boundaries, asked many times if we could speak to a priest together about our misunderstandings, etc and she has not respected any of it.

My wife and I got married less than a year ago, and even though she was invited to the wedding, she didn’t come. She said she felt unwelcome, because in the beginning I offered for her to stay at my future in-law’s house, but then I realized she wasn’t changing and was continually being abusive and difficult so I offered to help her find a hotel to stay at but she refused to come. I’m not sure why my mother wanted to stay at my future in-law’s house if she strongly disliked my wife so much.

My mother has always been two faced to my wife, being nice to her on skype or via e-mail, then speaking horribly about her to me via e-mail or skype. The e-mails were very ill willed, and she covers up by saying she’s only telling the truth which she wants me to fully understand.

Since I am currently living overseas from my family the last 4 years, I’ve tried to keep in touch with her. We used to skype and e-mail often, but as the abuse continued I’ve tried to keep my distance. I would often send happy, informative e-mails to her updating her on our life and what we have been up to despite what has happened in the past etc and tried to keep it very casual. Unfortunately in her replies she continues to attack me about the past misunderstandings we’ve had, about the choices I’ve made (she mocks and bullies me for leaving my home town, “brags” about the beaches and the warm weather they have there now etc) and tells me how much I’m missing out and just continues to bully.

I’m actually very content and happy with my life, work, marriage and most importantly my relationship with God, and have told her in the casual e-mails I’ve sent her the last couple months, but she continues to makes up her own stories. It has gotten to the point where I don’t know how to proceed. She last e-mailed me the 3rd week of December, and it was negative, so I hadn’t replied yet but we sent her a Christmas card. Today I received another crass e-mail from her, and she is mocking me, saying stuff like “No mail… mmmm…must’ve been something I said…oooppppss?” and continues to be disrespectful saying stuff like “I’m just putting your life into words for you.” Then she goes on about “Signing out. for the last time. Don’t worry, I’ll tell everyone”. As in she will tell everyone that I don’t want to hear from her anymore even though I hadn’t even said that? She has told me she’s told family friends, neighborhood friends, my brother’s friend’s about the relationship she has with us and why she wasn’t coming to the wedding. She just thinks I have “banned her from my very own wedding” etc. She’s obviously resentful, and doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon.

My Dad and siblings are aware of it but obviously don’t know the full extent since they haven’t read any of the emails and I don’t see them being able to influence the situation.

Should I keep in touch with her? If so, how? I’ve seeked advice from several priests they didn’t choose to give me specific direction but to stay in touch and “set boundaries, be respectful” etc. Thank you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let’s just say that if my mother, grandmother, aunt, neighbor or any other woman I knew well was badmouthing her son’s choice of a wife, badmouthing her son, and then wondering why he isn’t communicating any more, I probably wouldn’t go all Sherlock Holmes and let her in on the obvious answer. She knows, and she doesn’t have to “look deep down” to see it. She needs to let go of whatever burr she’s decided to get into her saddle, get over it, and come back to the land of the civilized. No one ought to put up with the treatment she’s feeling free to dish out, and the sooner you say, “No more. That’s it. Cut it out,” the better.

I don’t know why she’s bitter and jealous about your wife, but even if you knew why, it wouldn’t be something in your control to fix. That is for her to do. If she treats you in a way you find unacceptable again, just tell her that she’s being unacceptable, you’ve had enough, and when the day comes that she wants to bury the hatchet and live with the fact that you are happily married to someone she failed to preapprove, she is welcome to get in touch with you. Do not let her argue with you or counterattack. If she tries, say, “No. We’re not going there. You’re going to quit talking to me the way you’ve been talking to me. There is no excuse for it, and I’m not taking it any more. Period.” Tell her that given the choice between your mother and your wife, you’re choosing your wife, and your mother and everyone else on earth will have to learn to live with that, because it is as it ought to be. Having said that, you’re going to put an end to that particular conversation and leave her to think about how she’s been treating you and your wife. Do not elaborate, just say, “Think back to the words and the actions. You connect the dots, see what picture you see.” Invite her to call if she wants to do better, as you know she is capable of choosing to do, but to save you from repeating this exercise in the case that she doesn’t, because you have really had it, period. Then leave the ball in her court, and stick with the boundary that you have set.

 

[Pa_Newman]

Quite truthfully your mother sounds as though she is suffering from mental illness.There is an old saying "you can not reason with unreasonable people."Sad to say she is beyond unreasonable.A priest once gave me the advice that when dealing w/ angry emails etc. to just respond with “Thank you for sharing your feelings” and to leave it at that.You are not going to change her it is a very sad situation.If she spreads all kinds of lies about you and your wife so be it.I don’t think anyone will believe her for long sooner or later they will realize the truth of the situation.Whether or not to keep in contact with her is up to you.If you do just remember to not take her bait.As soon as she becomes abusive say I’ve got to go- (end of conversation).You may also find speaking to a therapist about this situation to be helpful.And pray for her.I wish you well.

 

[EasterJoy]

Quite truthfully your mother sounds as though she is suffering from mental illness.There is an old saying "you can not reason with unreasonable people."Sad to say she is beyond unreasonable.A priest once gave me the advice that when dealing w/ angry emails etc. to just respond with “Thank you for sharing your feelings” and to leave it at that.You are not going to change her it is a very sad situation.If she spreads all kinds of lies about you and your wife so be it.I don’t think anyone will believe her for long sooner or later they will realize the truth of the situation.Whether or not to keep in contact with her is up to you.If you do just remember to not take her bait.As soon as she becomes abusive say I’ve got to go- (end of conversation).You may also find speaking to a therapist about this situation to be helpful.And pray for her.I wish you well.

Not everyone who is eaten up with jealousy has a mental illness. Unless his mother showed signs of mental instability in the past (something the OPs father would know but might possibly have kept from the children for his wife’s sake), I would not jump to the conclusion that this is anything other than doing a very bad job of handling feelings of jealousy when her son found a romantic interest that she found threatening in some way.

The other possibility among those that could inflict someone having no organic problem in her brain is that his mother had nursed some fantasy that his relationship with a past girlfriend whom the mother liked was going to be rekindled, a possibility so far from reality that the son has never considered it as a possibility. Just because the son and the old girlfriend his mom liked have moved on does not mean his mother ever did, though. That could account for her otherwise nonsensical opposition to the son’s real love interest.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi lalabean

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that your Mother is treating both you and your wife in this way.

I can totally relate, as my husband and I are going through the exact same thing with his Mother. He is an only son though, and she has always resented his marriage to me.

Ever since we have been married, she has made crude comments about me to him. No matter what he tells her, she keeps on doing it.

She doesn’t treat him any better, either. She doesn’t seem to understand that she is alienating her own son. She has treated him so poorly, that he doesn’t even really want to talk to her much these days.

I have never gotten into any kind of arguments or disagreements with his Mom, although she tries to stir up trouble for me. I stay out of things because I love my husband and I don’t want to make things worse for him.

We don’t live near her. We live across the country. Just from him talking to her, he found out that she has also alienated many people that she knows, and is no longer in relationships with them, due to the unkind things that she has also said to them.

So, what can you do?

This is what my husband has done with his relationship regarding his Mom:

You can try and tell your Mom that she is hurting the both of you by the things that she says, and if she keeps on with her behavior, you will have to limit your time talking to her. Just end the phone call wherever you are at, when she starts in on her unpleasant behavior.

Also, you can cut back on the amount of time that you talk to her, too–meaning limit your actual phone call and decide that you will only talk to her for ten minutes for example or whatever beforehand, etc.

Also, you can also limit the amount of time that you talk to her, as in how many times of the month–that kind of thing. You might decided that you want to talk to her once a month, twice a month, etc. Whatever you are comfortable with.

This way, you are still keeping the lines of communication open, but at the same time, you are setting limits on how much you want to expose yourself to her behavior.

 

[St_Francis]

It’s hard to tell if you can manage this, but if you only respond to healthy emails, and cut off any conversation with her first negative remark, you may be able to get her to stop. Simply disengage from that aspect of the relationship: don’t argue with her, don’t rebuke her, don’t reason with her. Just give her the negative consequence of no response when she does this.

If she never sends an email without negative comments, then don’t read her emails at all: delete them, send them to the trash, whatever. You don’t have to tell her you are doing this, bit you might want to tell your father or someone you are not reading them, in case she ever needs to communicate something important to you, which would be the only reason I would see for telling her, if you think that’s a good idea.

She is sounding quite irrational and disconnected from reality, and this seems to be a big change in how she behaves. Any chance there is something wrong with her health–menopause, cognitive losses, or the like? There may be treatments for her.

As much as possible, keep in really good touch with others in your family and ask after your mother in a friendly way–Hope Mom’s doing well; Give Mom my love–that sort of thing.

 

[lalabean33]

Thank you for the advice. If anyone else has insight we would greatly appreciate it.

 

[lalabean33]

Excellent advice and insight thank you EasterJoy!

Let’s just say that if my mother, grandmother, aunt, neighbor or any other woman I knew well was badmouthing her son’s choice of a wife, badmouthing her son, and then wondering why he isn’t communicating any more, I probably wouldn’t go all Sherlock Holmes and let her in on the obvious answer. She knows, and she doesn’t have to “look deep down” to see it. She needs to let go of whatever burr she’s decided to get into her saddle, get over it, and come back to the land of the civilized. No one ought to put up with the treatment she’s feeling free to dish out, and the sooner you say, “No more. That’s it. Cut it out,” the better.

I don’t know why she’s bitter and jealous about your wife, but even if you knew why, it wouldn’t be something in your control to fix. That is for her to do. If she treats you in a way you find unacceptable again, just tell her that she’s being unacceptable, you’ve had enough, and when the day comes that she wants to bury the hatchet and live with the fact that you are happily married to someone she failed to preapprove, she is welcome to get in touch with you. Do not let her argue with you or counterattack. If she tries, say, “No. We’re not going there. You’re going to quit talking to me the way you’ve been talking to me. There is no excuse for it, and I’m not taking it any more. Period.” Tell her that given the choice between your mother and your wife, you’re choosing your wife, and your mother and everyone else on earth will have to learn to live with that, because it is as it ought to be. Having said that, you’re going to put an end to that particular conversation and leave her to think about how she’s been treating you and your wife. Do not elaborate, just say, “Think back to the words and the actions. You connect the dots, see what picture you see.” Invite her to call if she wants to do better, as you know she is capable of choosing to do, but to save you from repeating this exercise in the case that she doesn’t, because you have really had it, period. Then leave the ball in her court, and stick with the boundary that you have set.

 

[lalabean33]

Thank you Pa Newman. Yes over the last couple years when we spoke on the phone I did end the conversation when it got negative. I have tried to strictly stick to e-mails for this reason. Unfortunately it hasn’t been working. I will continue to pray.

Quite truthfully your mother sounds as though she is suffering from mental illness.There is an old saying "you can not reason with unreasonable people."Sad to say she is beyond unreasonable.A priest once gave me the advice that when dealing w/ angry emails etc. to just respond with “Thank you for sharing your feelings” and to leave it at that.You are not going to change her it is a very sad situation.If she spreads all kinds of lies about you and your wife so be it.I don’t think anyone will believe her for long sooner or later they will realize the truth of the situation.Whether or not to keep in contact with her is up to you.If you do just remember to not take her bait.As soon as she becomes abusive say I’ve got to go- (end of conversation).You may also find speaking to a therapist about this situation to be helpful.And pray for her.I wish you well.

 

[lalabean33]

I don’t think my mother has a mental illness. I think she’s going about everything the wrong way and is too proud to try and fix it. She just continues down the same destructive road. Before my wife I never had a serious relationship that lasted more than a month, and my mom didn’t know the previous girlfriends well at all.

Not everyone who is eaten up with jealousy has a mental illness. Unless his mother showed signs of mental instability in the past (something the OPs father would know but might possibly have kept from the children for his wife’s sake), I would not jump to the conclusion that this is anything other than doing a very bad job of handling feelings of jealousy when her son found a romantic interest that she found threatening in some way.

The other possibility among those that could inflict someone having no organic problem in her brain is that his mother had nursed some fantasy that his relationship with a past girlfriend whom the mother liked was going to be rekindled, a possibility so far from reality that the son has never considered it as a possibility. Just because the son and the old girlfriend his mom liked have moved on does not mean his mother ever did, though. That could account for her otherwise nonsensical opposition to the son’s real love interest.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t think my mother has a mental illness. I think she’s going about everything the wrong way and is too proud to try and fix it. She just continues down the same destructive road. Before my wife I never had a serious relationship that lasted more than a month, and my mom didn’t know the previous girlfriends well at all.

Many parents do not cope well when their children marry, so it is good to hear that your mom may have a vanilla and perhaps temporary case of “failure to accept a reality of life”. I have asked the father of little girl under two years old who would be good enough to marry his daughter, including himself and all his extended family. It took him two weeks, and he came up with one name. It seems that parents very often either latch on and practically make the new girlfriend an additional daughter before their son has decided to marry her–and woe be to him if he decides not to!–or else they turn their noses up at all his choices, certain that they could have chosen better with a blindfold on. The difference with your mother is that she doesn’t seem to realize that the choice was, is, and ever shall be entirely out of her control. It is a done deal. When she finally accepts that, things will go better. (The arrival of grandchildren often accomplishes this, it would seem.)

Keeping a distance when she shows she has not gotten there yet may mitigate the damage she does to your relationship and her relationship with your wife in the meantime. That is well worth doing. It would be too bad if she were to come around only to find out she had burned all bridges between you past recognition. If you keep her bad behaviors at a distance with the end in mind that she may come around and return to being her old enjoyable self, that may help keep the bitterness from accumulating on your end. The plus side is that she will know that when you draw a boundary, you do mean it, that you and your wife are forgiving but nevertheless not doormats. Those are ends worth pursuing, too.

Good luck, and know that you are not alone!! Many have gone before you, and sometimes it works out quite well in the end. Prepare to deal with the worst in serenity and hope to eventually arrive at the best in great joy, leaving behind all bitterness!! You just never know!

 

[Pa_Newman]

Easter Joy,
I am not a psychologist,but I was married to a woman who suffered from mental illness I found out 3 children later after several years a of a roller coaster of very bizarre (often times obnoxious) behavior,crazy accusations etc. etc…His mother’s behavior sounds all too familiar.I hope to God it is something much more minor as what you describe,but from my own experience I would not rule out a mental health issue.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Do not permit her to speak to you and/or about your wife in a disrespectful manner. When she next does so, tell her you do not permit people to speak to you that way. Say this in a courteous and respectful but firm tone of voice When she immediately tests that boundary (and I guarantee you that she will), state in the same tone of voice, “I told you that I do not permit people to speak to me/about my wife this way. Have a good afternoon.”–and hang up. The key is not to be rude or nasty.

Be the adult in this situation. Think of her as a badly-behaved child who is acting out because she’s learned it gets her attention; no doubt it does and she has. If your five-year-old spoke rudely to you, you wouldn’t respond by yelling at her or arguing about whether or not she was right. You would tell her that such behavior is unacceptable, and tell her to go to her room until she can apologize and behave appropriately. Obviously, you can’t send your mom to her room, but you can choose whether or not to engage with her.

The same applies to email. If she sends you rude and inappropriate emails, then tell her that you don’t allow people to speak to you that way through email, either. If she persists, tell her that further actions like that will lead you to arrange for your email service to route her emails directly to the spam folder. Once again, make sure that you are courteous, respectful, and above all else, firm.

The fact that she is your mother does not give her the right to emotionally abuse you. Do not be mistaken: what you describe is emotional abuse, and is not acceptable behavior. However, barring a major life event, she probably won’t change. Therefore, you must be the factor that changes in the equation.

As for what other people think, that doesn’t matter so much. In Al-Anon, in fact, we’re taught that other peoples’ opinions of us aren’t really our business. Those people who have common sense and will notice such things will see that you are behaving appropriately in this situation, and that she is not.

For what it’s worth, I’ve had to cut off all ties with my parents for a lot of reasons, serious substance abuse among them. However, before I did so, my mother was in the habit of sending me hurtful emails. They’d be addressed to someone else, and her argument was that she “accidentally” sent them to my email address rather than to the correct email address for the person in question. I could believe this once, but not 3-5 times. After I told her several times not to send me such emails, I told her that in light of the fact that she would not respect my wishes on the subject I would arrange my email settings to consider anything coming from her email address as spam if she sent that sort of email even once more. She complained, said I was being unreasonable and touchy and so on…but it’s funny: she never made that particular “mistake” again.

 

[lalabean33]

Thank you again EasterJoy. I do pray one day we have a normal relationship with my mother. Sometimes it seems like this will never happen because it has literally been years since our relationship was healthy.

Many parents do not cope well when their children marry, so it is good to hear that your mom may have a vanilla and perhaps temporary case of “failure to accept a reality of life”. I have asked the father of little girl under two years old who would be good enough to marry his daughter, including himself and all his extended family. It took him two weeks, and he came up with one name. It seems that parents very often either latch on and practically make the new girlfriend an additional daughter before their son has decided to marry her–and woe be to him if he decides not to!–or else they turn their noses up at all his choices, certain that they could have chosen better with a blindfold on. The difference with your mother is that she doesn’t seem to realize that the choice was, is, and ever shall be entirely out of her control. It is a done deal. When she finally accepts that, things will go better. (The arrival of grandchildren often accomplishes this, it would seem.)

Keeping a distance when she shows she has not gotten there yet may mitigate the damage she does to your relationship and her relationship with your wife in the meantime. That is well worth doing. It would be too bad if she were to come around only to find out she had burned all bridges between you past recognition. If you keep her bad behaviors at a distance with the end in mind that she may come around and return to being her old enjoyable self, that may help keep the bitterness from accumulating on your end. The plus side is that she will know that when you draw a boundary, you do mean it, that you and your wife are forgiving but nevertheless not doormats. Those are ends worth pursuing, too.

Good luck, and know that you are not alone!! Many have gone before you, and sometimes it works out quite well in the end. Prepare to deal with the worst in serenity and hope to eventually arrive at the best in great joy, leaving behind all bitterness!! You just never know!

 

[lalabean33]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut Pa Newman. I will keep that in mind. Sorry to hear you had to go through something similar.

Easter Joy,
I am not a psychologist,but I was married to a woman who suffered from mental illness I found out 3 children later after several years a of a roller coaster of very bizarre (often times obnoxious) behavior,crazy accusations etc. etc…His mother’s behavior sounds all too familiar.I hope to God it is something much more minor as what you describe,but from my own experience I would not rule out a mental health issue.

 

[lalabean33]

Thank you for your reply. For the last 3-4 years I have tried boundaries. I went from e-mailing her every day and talking to her on skype often, to e-mailing her every other week and never chatting on skype. On her birthday recently she acted nice but then started to send abusive e-mails again. I was confused as to if I should even reply as I’ve told her what seems like over 100 times how abusive and disrespectful she is and how I will not tolerate her behavior. But to write that once more via e-mail makes me think twice about doing it. Maybe this time around I need to be very strict. I tried to get away with ignoring her awful e-mails and just send her short casual updates every now and then to let her know we’re alive and doing well because she did raise me and everything and at one point we did have a great relationship, but then she gets mad that I don’t reply to her questions and abusive e-mails. She hasn’t even congratulated my wife and I on our marriage, asked to see photos, or mentioned it at all. If she does send an e-mail she only talks about her life and is never interested in my life or anything to do with my wife. It’s like my mother is pretending my wife doesn’t exist. Should I refuse to talk to her since she doesn’t seem to care about what’s going on in my life and the fact she hasn’t even congratulated my wife and I astounds me. Maybe she doesn’t deserve the casual e-mails I used to send her at all if she doesn’t even comment on anything. Thanks to you all, I realize I do need to put an end to this. I will draft up a final e-mail to send to her explaining for the last time how I will not tolerate any more abuse and will delete any further abusive e-mails. What do I do if she argues that she’s not being abusive? What if she says stuff like “I’m not being abusive, I’m just telling the truth.” and continues to be stubborn and proud? Do I give in and talk it out with her or just flat out tell her in an e-mail how I feel and if she doesn’t respect boundaries I’m just not going to reply to her at all? What happens if she sends abusive e-mails again, then say a week, month, or year later she sends an e-mail acting like everything is ok and talks about her day to day life? Do I bring up the past and ask her to apologize for her behavior or let it go? In the last couple months, she usually starts by sending abusive emails, then I send her an e-mail back saying I won’t tolerate this and she doesn’t send me an e-mail for awhile, then she sends me a casual e-mail that isn’t too mean, then in another week or two weeks she starts the abuse again. It’s a never ending cycle it seems.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Do not permit her to speak to you and/or about your wife in a disrespectful manner. When she next does so, tell her you do not permit people to speak to you that way. Say this in a courteous and respectful but firm tone of voice When she immediately tests that boundary (and I guarantee you that she will), state in the same tone of voice, “I told you that I do not permit people to speak to me/about my wife this way. Have a good afternoon.”–and hang up. The key is not to be rude or nasty.

Be the adult in this situation. Think of her as a badly-behaved child who is acting out because she’s learned it gets her attention; no doubt it does and she has. If your five-year-old spoke rudely to you, you wouldn’t respond by yelling at her or arguing about whether or not she was right. You would tell her that such behavior is unacceptable, and tell her to go to her room until she can apologize and behave appropriately. Obviously, you can’t send your mom to her room, but you can choose whether or not to engage with her.

The same applies to email. If she sends you rude and inappropriate emails, then tell her that you don’t allow people to speak to you that way through email, either. If she persists, tell her that further actions like that will lead you to arrange for your email service to route her emails directly to the spam folder. Once again, make sure that you are courteous, respectful, and above all else, firm.

The fact that she is your mother does not give her the right to emotionally abuse you. Do not be mistaken: what you describe is emotional abuse, and is not acceptable behavior. However, barring a major life event, she probably won’t change. Therefore, you must be the factor that changes in the equation.

As for what other people think, that doesn’t matter so much. In Al-Anon, in fact, we’re taught that other peoples’ opinions of us aren’t really our business. Those people who have common sense and will notice such things will see that you are behaving appropriately in this situation, and that she is not.

For what it’s worth, I’ve had to cut off all ties with my parents for a lot of reasons, serious substance abuse among them. However, before I did so, my mother was in the habit of sending me hurtful emails. They’d be addressed to someone else, and her argument was that she “accidentally” sent them to my email address rather than to the correct email address for the person in question. I could believe this once, but not 3-5 times. After I told her several times not to send me such emails, I told her that in light of the fact that she would not respect my wishes on the subject I would arrange my email settings to consider anything coming from her email address as spam if she sent that sort of email even once more. She complained, said I was being unreasonable and touchy and so on…but it’s funny: she never made that particular “mistake” again.

 

[jazzy0710]

Let’s just say that if my mother, grandmother, aunt, neighbor or any other woman I knew well was badmouthing her son’s choice of a wife, badmouthing her son, and then wondering why he isn’t communicating any more, I probably wouldn’t go all Sherlock Holmes and let her in on the obvious answer. She knows, and she doesn’t have to “look deep down” to see it. She needs to let go of whatever burr she’s decided to get into her saddle, get over it, and come back to the land of the civilized. No one ought to put up with the treatment she’s feeling free to dish out, and the sooner you say, “No more. That’s it. Cut it out,” the better.

I don’t know why she’s bitter and jealous about your wife, but even if you knew why, it wouldn’t be something in your control to fix. That is for her to do. If she treats you in a way you find unacceptable again, just tell her that she’s being unacceptable, you’ve had enough, and when the day comes that she wants to bury the hatchet and live with the fact that you are happily married to someone she failed to preapprove, she is welcome to get in touch with you. Do not let her argue with you or counterattack. If she tries, say, “No. We’re not going there. You’re going to quit talking to me the way you’ve been talking to me. There is no excuse for it, and I’m not taking it any more. Period.” Tell her that given the choice between your mother and your wife, you’re choosing your wife, and your mother and everyone else on earth will have to learn to live with that, because it is as it ought to be. Having said that, you’re going to put an end to that particular conversation and leave her to think about how she’s been treating you and your wife. Do not elaborate, just say, “Think back to the words and the actions. You connect the dots, see what picture you see.” Invite her to call if she wants to do better, as you know she is capable of choosing to do, but to save you from repeating this exercise in the case that she doesn’t, because you have really had it, period. Then leave the ball in her court, and stick with the boundary that you have set.

I couldn’t agree more with this

 

[jazzy0710]

Quite truthfully your mother sounds as though she is suffering from mental illness…

100% agreed:thumbsup: