Community and feeling welcome at mass

[psalms42]

I just recently took a protestant friend of mine to mass at her request. Before hand I walked her through the Mass, and during Mass we both used a missalette so she could follow along and participate. She participated, and I told her she didn’t have to kneel when we did if she didn’t feel comfortable, which she didn’t. However, at the end of Mass, she was very sad, not because of anything that was said or used during the liturgy, but because she said she did not feel very welcome. She said she felt lost, and like she was being judged by others for not making the sign of the cross, etc. I reassured her that is not the case, and that we think just the opposite. We are very thankful when non-Catholics come to Mass to participate. She still wants to go with me, but I want to be able to give her a better experience. How can I show her that we truly are a welcoming, loving Catholic community.

FYI She goes to a non-denominational church most of the time, and I do think her main reason for going is because she feels like she fits in there.

Why is that a lot of Catholic churches seem to be missing this quality?

Thanks for any help you can give!

 

[A.Pelliccio]

I don’t think Catholics come off like that. I think we are very personable and friendly. But the time to make friends is not during mass. From my experience Protestants (in general) attend Sunday service to feel good. They get a laugh out of it, dance, and do some singing that makes them feel good ect. Catholic Mass is a totally different experience. Mass is a sacrifice and a solemn event. Mass is not the place to pat each other on the back or to exchange phone numbers or anything like that, contrary to some peoples feelings.

My advice would be to take her to fellowship after the mass if you have one. I know after the Mass of the Old Rite at my parish we all go to the basement share stories, discuss, have fun have some wine ect. But during the mass you would hear a pin drop, it is solemn and silent.

I think that maybe people looked at her is because you have this orchestra being conducted (which is what I think mass could be equated to). Each member performing its function by kneeling, and making the sign of the cross and bowing in unison and with purpose. If one instrument is not performing it stands out. No fault of your friends own but its kind of obvious when something like that.

I went to a ‘non denominational’ service one time with the Army and let me tell you did I stick out like a sore thumb. There’s everyone singing and dancing, with a band and sing along screen ect. I did not feel comfortable I sat in my pew and prayed the rosary.

But after a ward there was fellowship and people asked me what I was doing and what it was. I explained it and I felt more comfortable. Also I had a theological discussion and felt more definite (if possible) that I did indeed hold the one true catholic and orthodox faith.

Anthony

 

[Catholic_Heart]

******It’s great that your friend wants to return to Mass with you, even though she didn’t feel welcomed…I’m sure you have visited her non-denominational church, and know that evenagelicals are masters at the art of making one feel welcome…That’s often the reason Catholics switch, in fact.

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So…Your friend is used to an entirely different atmosphere. She is used to lots of emotion, lots of hugging, and lots of smiles…

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**It took me a while to understand why Cathoilc churches are not quite like the evangelical ones in this regard. We really don’t do “fellowship” very well…You might visit a Catholic church and have absolutely no one say hello to you, let alone invite you back. OTOH, we do worship VERY well, and that is our focus. We understand that it is the Mass that makes the community, not the other way around. Our focus is on the “other” when we are at church. **

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**The next time you bring your friend to Mass, make sure that there will be friends there you can introduce her to…People who will be warm and welcoming to her. This is what she missed. **

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You did a wonderful job preparing her for the Mass itself. I wish I had had that kind of help my first few times!

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Good luck to you, and God bless your efforts. Keep at it, it will pay off in the long run.

 

[Pug]

Do you know a Catholic who can’t seem to make it from one end of the building to the other without speaking to someone? If you do, take your friend to mass with that person as well. Some folks know everyone from the deacon to the cantor to the EMHCs to the ushers to some of the invisible folks in the pews. They can introduce your friend to at least 10 people. This might help.

 

[Elzee]

I wonder about this too. We have ‘hospitality ministers’ at our church but they basically just stand at the door and help find seats when the church is full. . The ‘hospitality ministers’ at my friend’s Baptist Church, however, actually say good morning to people, introduce themselves, and if they don’t recognize the person will say ‘I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, are you a member here or a visitor?’. If they’re a visitor, they will offer (nicely, not in a pushy way) if they would like to sit with them or, if they prefer to sit by themselves, they will offer to introduce them to the pastor and a few people after the service. It’s all done in a very nice way, aimed at making the vistors feel at home. I know it’s also an evangelization technique, but they really do try to make people feel welcome.

For those of you who have heard Father Larry’s ‘The Mass Explained’ cd, I think the example he gives of the 18 year old boy is more common than we would like to admit. The boy said he had been going to Mass every week for 18 years and ‘never once felt loved’. He didn’t mean by Jesus, he meant by the people. ‘What an indictment’, Fr. Larry says. I think he’s right. I think many Catholic Churches have a long way to go in making visitors and new parishoners feel welcome and loved.

 

[cheddarsox]

Having attended numerous Catholic and numerouse Protestant churches over the years, I would agree that Catholic churches are not as welcoming to newcomers. Most of the time no one says hello or notices that you are a newcomer.

I have not gotten the feeling the Protestants go to church to feel good, get a pat on the back or dance. They also worship, go to be spritiually fed and challenged, and to praise the lord.

I think there is community in the Catholic church, but it is a bit more formal and one needs to be introduced rather than the members reaching out. If you could take your friend to another event or service during the week, that might help break the ice.

In some towns, I have attended the Catholic church for months with no one ever noticing me except at the passing of peace. I have never attended a Protestant church where someone did not make an effort to welcome me and introduce themselves.

I don’t know why, I only know that it is so, at least all over the Eastern half of the United States.

cheddar

 

[HelpingHands]

I don’t know why, but this seems to be a widespread Catholic phenomenom. I agree, the Evangelicals do a much better job at projecting a welcoming atmosphere. Instead of getting defensive or denying it, I think us Catholics ought to improve! I know that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but people do anyways.

I notice that the Protestants, for one thing, do a much better job at coffee hour. The women get together and take turns baking. Catholic coffee hour is inevitably donuts.

 

[Pug]

Elzee:

I wonder about this too. We have ‘hospitality ministers’ at our church but they basically just stand at the door and help find seats when the church is full. . The ‘hospitality ministers’ at my friend’s Baptist Church, however, actually say good morning to people, introduce themselves, and if they don’t recognize the person will say ‘I’m sorry I don’t recognize you, are you a member here or a visitor?’. If they’re a visitor, they will offer (nicely, not in a pushy way) if they would like to sit with them or, if they prefer to sit by themselves, they will offer to introduce them to the pastor and a few people after the service

Hmm. I usually waltz into mass right past the greeter, mostly ignoring them. Do you suppose that contributes to the problem? Perhaps we should draw our greeters out.

How many of the things the Baptist does that you mention do you think would work well in a large Catholic parish?

 

[Forest-Pine]

Pug:

How many of the things the Baptist does that you mention do you think would work well in a large Catholic parish?

I think you hit the nail on the head! “Large Catholic Parish”
Most Protestant denominations are rather small and everyone knows everyone else. They can tell when someone is new. In a large Catholic Church, it isn’t the same.

However, mega churches still do a good job of this. So we have to be missing out somewhere. I remember visiting a friend’s mega church (Methodist) Sunday School. They had a welcome bag with a cute colorful pad of paper (with the church name on front), a color pencil thingee with the different colors you push through it, candy, and some other stuff. I assume their was a “boy” bag, too. They called during the week to let me know they were glad to see me and ask if I needed a ride to church the following week.

Another Methodist church had a ministry that brought a loaf of bread to the door and just rang the doorbell and introduced themselves to any people who were new.

Of course, many Protestants single out newcomers during the service having them stand up so others in the congregation will recognize them after the service and introduce themselves.

And they have a welcome packet with all kinds of info on the church.

And a newcomers form to fill out, which they point out every single service. And they follow up with those numbers and addresses.

I know of one large Catholic Church that does this VERY well. They have very active small communities. They have an active hospitality team which is out in force talking and introducing before and after Mass. They have name tags that all parishioners pick up on their way into church (where they are neatly displayed in alphabetical order) and drop off on the way out. The name tags have a colored border which denotes which small community group they are in (which is geographically based). So even if the person himself is not active, he can immediately recognize who he would need to talk to to become so. They have a map up with the different areas highlighted by color so newcomers can see which small community they fit into. And the contact info for volunteers in each community are listed directly below it. Each small community has a phone tree in place that is activated for funerals, festivals, etc. The priest gives communion in the form of, “The body of Christ, Bob.” (which he can see on the person’s name tag and can recognize whether he knows the person or needs to make a point of introducing himself after Mass). The priest is the last to leave after Mass, staying to chat for quite a while. He also seems to get around to everybody, and not have one lengthy conversation with a small group of people. And he remembers practically everyone and the details of their life. Donuts and cookies and coffee and punch are set up immediately outside the sanctuary doors in the narthex and served after Mass. There is a town hall meeting every month, more often if anything else is going on. You get my drift.

Before this priest came, the parish was a group of disconnected people who had no desire to serve their church community. The priest took his job seriously of being the shepard of his flock and his love for the community made it blossom. After a couple years, it is a church that can contend with even the best the Protestants have to offer in the way of warmth and personal concern and hospitality and community. And it maintains this fire as it grows ever larger.

 

[cheddarsox]

Forest Pine,

That sounds great! Having a faith community really helps us live out our faith. I think it makes a huge difference when we feel we are a real valued part of a larger movement.

I am glad to hear that some churches are making the effort to build community within community.

cheddar

 

[Pug]

Forest,

Do you know what sort of small communities they are? Our parish has just started considering a Renew program based on the CCC and is calling for volunteers to be “core” volunteers. It will create small communities. It doesn’t sound like the old Renew program from the 80’s. I’ve been pondering about doing it (being a core person, whatever that entails).

At least a welcome center or packet would work in our parish. We currently have literature racks at both entrances, but a more prominent display above them, maybe, with new person contact info. Hmmm. I can’t see the name tag thing working…where would we put the tags? Our narthax is miniscule. Lots of good ideas in your post!!

 

[Della]

I think I know why at Catholic parishes no one makes a fuss over new people, it’s because amongst Catholics why you are at Mass is considered your business not anyone else’s.

When we go to Mass we go to celebrate a Sacrament, not meet and greet one another. That’s not to say no one should say hello to those coming in through the doors, but no one wants to impose themselves on anyone, either.

People go to Protestant services with a little bit different idea of what it is they are there for. Yes, they are there to “worship” God, but what they call worship and what the Catholic Church calls worship are not one and the same thing. Catholics don’t come to church to “share” anything. We attend to “lift our souls” to God as a community as we listen to God’s word and re-present the one sacrifice of Christ to the Father.

Frankly, when I first entered a Catholic church and no one made a fuss over me I was relieved and happy. I had years of glad-handing and back slapping that only offered friendship just so far and only if I stayed and learned to walk their walk and talk their talk. But, in the Catholic Church a person can be as friendly or as cool as they wish and no one will judge or make a who-ha out of it.

 

[Forest-Pine]

Pug:

Forest,

Do you know what sort of small communities they are? Our parish has just started considering a Renew program based on the CCC and is calling for volunteers to be “core” volunteers.

My current church has the RENEW communities. They really pushed it for months. They have them twice a year. I don’t like the way they did it. You signed up as groups and elected a leader, or you signed yourself up and they just stuck you in one of the groups. No commonality at all. It really highlighted the fact that we were out of the community loop. Nonetheless, we volunteered to be a small group co-leader. We said we just wanted one with child care (which we were also willing to arrange). Well, out of our HUGE parish, not one other family wanted child care. Not one! We ended up not getting involved. What is has turned in to is the same people who are active in the church anyway are just meeting in their small groups for another regularly scheduled meeting.

The way the other parish I mentioned had it based on geography was so much wiser, imho. You were in the Yellow group if you lived in their boundaries. You didn’t have to do anything, but you will still part of the small community. The yellow group has a core of people who are most active, but the phone tree lets everyone in the entire group know whenever anything is going on. It wasn’t uncommon to get a phone call saying, “Betty Smith’s mother passed away and we are collecting food for the family. We really need some bread. Is there any way you could get some dinner rolls and I could stop by your house to pick them up tomorrow?” The name tags mean people know who you are and gives you something in common to discuss. And believe me, after Mass you would have people noticing it and introducing themselves. You know you belong and the question is just what you are going to do (and plenty of opportunities are presented to you.) The small communities are not RENEW groups, but just a break down of the parish into different communities. They did also have Bible studies and all that Jazz like Renew, but the small communities were an everyday, practical thing.

The way my current parish has it set up, you have to go through hoops to become part of the group. You have to put forth the effort to find out where in the community you belong. I don’t think that is the best way of doing things. The RENEW groups themselves apparently have a great reputation in recent years, though.

(Oh, and about the name tags: they put them out across a table until there got to be too many. Then they put them in long, skinny hard plastic bins like you would find at the Container Store, as wide as the name tags. They put a divider between the different letters to facilitate finding them with ease. With them standing upright, it takes up far less space. At first people would throw them into a box when leaving. After the bins were being used, people would just put it back behind the right letter divider, then a person sometime during the week alphabetized them.)

My current church also has a Newcomers Desk. It is always dark, never updated, and never pointed out. Frustrates me… The difference is whether the Holy Spirit is truly alive in the community. If it isn’t, any attempts at welcoming are going to come across as demeaning or brash or arrogant or whatever else. When the spirit of God is alive in a community, it flows out of the community in their words and actions. Being welcoming does not mean smothering. It means the people can feel the love and faith as something almost tangible, palpable. In the hurry-scurry times we have, it isn’t uncommon at all to go years in a parish and never once get an invitation to anything more. I’ve been at mine for ten. Two people asked me to join them in something: one funny old man who greets every single person and asks them to join his novena group. The other someone who just wanted warm bodies and didn’t care who she got. Needless to say, I sorely miss my old parish. And am finally getting to the point where I am looking at going elsewhere.

 

[Fidelis]

There is no way anyone is going to feel welcome in a large Catholic parish if all they do is waltz in and waltz out for one hour on Sunday. If the Protestant mega-churches did this they would feel just as unfriendly. The way they remedy that is by strongly encouraging small group activity. This is what Catholics should do as well.

It is my experience that when one is involved in at least one parish group activity outside of Mass, that person can at least see two or three people they know at Mass enough to stop and say hi and be recognized. Parishes have lots of groups, usually, but either they are not the kind where people can get to know each other, or if they are, they are well kept secrets within the parish. These groups need to let themselves be known rather than just an (name removed by moderator)ersonal blurb in the bulletin which many, many people don’t even read. Many parishes have some kind of phobia about promoting ministries from the pulpit (“If we have to anounce one, we have to anounce ALL of them!”). As a result, no one ever hears about ANY of them. My feeling is that many parish staff members --in addition to presuming cradle-Catholics will come anyway–tend to be satisfied with the usual means of getting people into the Church, that is, RCIA, marriage conversions, etc. Anything else they don’t make an effort to promote because they think it will make more work for them.

 

[Tonks40]

We’re trying to dispell this notion in our parish. We’ve started a strong Stewardship mission to try and get people from our large parish involved in the many groups, ministries and organizations that we have. We recognize that many people there do just “waltz in-and-out of Mass” and we want to get rid of that dis-connect. The best way to do that is to reach out to the congregation in general. I feel we’ve done a great job having active members of our congregation make themselves available after Mass outside the church to field any questions or provide information - many active members just hang outside visiting each other!

We also recognize the fact that the Mass is worship - and many of our parishioners make it a point to arrive early to prepare for the Mass - we don’t want to do anything inside the church to distract them from that. I guess it comes down to a balance between worship and fellowship within the church community. I pray that we can continue to strive in both areas, to make our community vibrant and alive in our Faith!

 

[MonicaC]

I think that the reason most people might feel like the Church is not friendly, is because while one is at mass we are there to worship and not to gossip. I know I really don’t like it if there are people standing next to me talking about nothing while I am trying to pray. THere is a time and a place for everything and during mass or in the church while others are trying to worship is not the place for idle chatter. Most churchs do how ever have coffee and donates after mass, and a newcomers club that you can join. Or just by simply staying after mass outside the church area and getting to know your fellow catholics is nice way to get catch up.

 

[sententia]

Part of it may also be that we, as Catholics go to Church every sunday- no matter where we are. As someone in a city who goes to mass every day, there are sometimes people I don’t recognize that I know are not part of the ‘usual’ parish, usually I assume they are from out of town. At the same time, I, and most there, are there to worship, and I’ve rarely spoken to the person next to me, I’m usually focused on the Tabernacle. Now, at church activities, RCIA, etc, I’m talk. A lot. LOL.

 

[Singinbeauty]

From my experience Protestants (in general) attend Sunday service to feel good. They get a laugh out of it, dance, and do some singing that makes them feel good ect. Catholic Mass is a totally different experience. Mass is a sacrifice and a solemn event. Mass is not the place to pat each other on the back or to exchange phone numbers or anything like that, contrary to some peoples feelings.

What?!?!? This is what church is for. To know God, worship Him, and fellowship with other christians. Since catholics claim to be the early church that Christ began this definition above would contrast the early church in the bible. It’s a place to feel welcome, to get help when needed from fellow christians, and to know you are not alone. I have witnessed the ‘cold shoulder’ from catholics that is described in the OP and it does disturb me. The friend didn’t feel the love of God and that is a HUGE problem if that is what your church is giving off.

People go to Protestant services with a little bit different idea of what it is they are there for. Yes, they are there to “worship” God, but what they call worship and what the Catholic Church calls worship are not one and the same thing. Catholics don’t come to church to “share” anything. We attend to “lift our souls” to God as a community as we listen to God’s word and re-present the one sacrifice of Christ to the Father.

I think that it’s time that we Protestants disolve a misconception that Catholics have with us. I am kind of offended by the two quotes above. You make it sound like I don’t take my faith as serious as you do yours. How dare you assume that I just go to church to ‘feel good’. Do you know my heart and those around me? No. I take my worship of God so serious. And how dare you put WORSHIP in quotes when in the same sentence as protestants as if we don’t really worship Him but we claim that we do. This is why I don’t care for MOST catholics (not all mind you, but a lot of them put on this air as if they are better than me because they chose to be catholic and I didn’t). You will find some protestants and SOME catholics go to church to just be there.

I cry, I smile, I laugh, I am somber, I THINK… My worship of God is very personal and I take it VERY personal when someone assumes that just because I am not catholic that I am not serious. I have seen catholic services and the people there are not smiling even when they sing about God’s grace and mercy and how much they love Him. This disturbs me. Why can’t you be happy that God love’s you? I REJOICE at church as well as at home of the love that God pours down on me. And this is done with dancing and singing and SMILING. And if that shows to all you HUMANS that I don’t WORSHIP right… Well, I don’t really care what you think because God knows my heart and that is all I need to know.

 

[carol_marie]

Della:

I think I know why at Catholic parishes no one makes a fuss over new people, it’s because amongst Catholics why you are at Mass is considered your business not anyone else’s.

When we go to Mass we go to celebrate a Sacrament, not meet and greet one another. That’s not to say no one should say hello to those coming in through the doors, but no one wants to impose themselves on anyone, either.

People go to Protestant services with a little bit different idea of what it is they are there for. Yes, they are there to “worship” God, but what they call worship and what the Catholic Church calls worship are not one and the same thing. Catholics don’t come to church to “share” anything. We attend to “lift our souls” to God as a community as we listen to God’s word and re-present the one sacrifice of Christ to the Father.

Frankly, when I first entered a Catholic church and no one made a fuss over me I was relieved and happy. I had years of glad-handing and back slapping that only offered friendship just so far and only if I stayed and learned to walk their walk and talk their talk. But, in the Catholic Church a person can be as friendly or as cool as they wish and no one will judge or make a who-ha out of it.

I could not agree with you more! I go to mass for one reason - to have an encounter with my Lord. I don’t go to make friends - I already have loads of them - and if I wanted to meet new people I would offer to serve - that’s quickest way to meet others. Also, from what I understand, there are Mom’s groups & ladies’ groups at my parish… I could meet people there. I just don’t feel like it. I am busy raising my kids - being a wife to my husband - etc. I don’t have the interest or the time right now in my life.

And I agree… most of the friendships I had at my old church lasted only as long as I was still there. As soon as I became Catholic & (probably in their opinion - stopped “walking with the Lord”) - those friends fell by the wayside.

 

[Tonks40]

Singinbeauty:

What?!?!? This is what church is for. To know God, worship Him, and fellowship with other christians. Since catholics claim to be the early church that Christ began this definition above would contrast the early church in the bible. It’s a place to feel welcome, to get help when needed from fellow christians, and to know you are not alone. I have witnessed the ‘cold shoulder’ from catholics that is described in the OP and it does disturb me. The friend didn’t feel the love of God and that is a HUGE problem if that is what your church is giving off.

I think that it’s time that we Protestants disolve a misconception that Catholics have with us. I am kind of offended by the two quotes above. You make it sound like I don’t take my faith as serious as you do yours. How dare you assume that I just go to church to ‘feel good’. Do you know my heart and those around me? No. I take my worship of God so serious. And how dare you put WORSHIP in quotes when in the same sentence as protestants as if we don’t really worship Him but we claim that we do. This is why I don’t care for MOST catholics (not all mind you, but a lot of them put on this air as if they are better than me because they chose to be catholic and I didn’t). You will find some protestants and SOME catholics go to church to just be there.

Singingbeauty-
I’m sorry you felt offended by the posts above. It’s an unfortunate generalization that we as Catholic perceive in Protestant and other Christian churches.

I know that you take your faith seriously. I know that you long to be closer to God, and you’re doing all you can to do that. We as Catholics strive to do the same thing, though we do recognize that that can happen to each of us in various degrees. I personally have attended non-denominational and other Christian churches in the past - yes, their fellowship is a little deeper than what I had experienced in the Catholic church. The reason why I came back to the Catholic Church is that I, myself, wanted a deeper, more fuller relationship with the Lord, and I knew that I could get that there, more than any place else.

Bottom line - I have great love for many of our Christian brethen. This should not be an issue for those who want to increase their faith. And believe me, there are tons of opportunities in the Catholic Church for people to fellowship within our parishes and our diocese. It’s just a matter of people taking those opportunities and running with them!

Blessings to you!