Compassion vs. Responsibility dilemma

[FickleFreckled]

There is a woman who wanders in and out of my life every couple of years when she needs support.
She’s Catholic, a heavy alcoholic, bipolar (extreme symptoms, sometimes delusional, irregularly treated) and frequently involved in sexual relationships. She is often unable to make clear decisions. She won’t go to Mass on her own, but has gone several times with me over the years, even asks to go. In the past, I’ve reminded her she can’t take Communion and she’s taken it fairly well. She has, on occasion between boyfriends, gone to confession and then taken Communion. Now she’s living with someone. She sees a psychiatrist irregularly and went into addiction treatment a few years ago - she left 3 days before the 21 day course was up and they won’t let her come back. Sooner or later the Mass issue will come up, and I hate not encouraging her to go in the first place - that can’t be right. But I know that her confession probably won’t be valid; her intention to stop the sex lasts until she stops feeling guilty, which is only momentary. She’s particularly fragile right now; she’s grieving the death of her father on whom she was dependant, who was abusive (sexually and in other ways), alcoholic (he introduced her to alcohol in her teens) and manipulated her with money. She’s already suffering with feelings of isolation and separation from whatever security she used to have: her other family also has problems. To point out that she’s also “separated” from God could be dangerous and to me, immoral. She is after all, mentally ill. She bases her Catholic faith on simplistic misconceptions left over from her childhood and isn’t capable of making more sophisticated connections. I’ve hashed and rehashed this in my mind and am getting nowhere. Where is my responsibility here? My inclination is to lead with my heart and let God handle it, regardless of whatever “it” is, continue to pray for her and keep my mouth shut. Any thoughts from compassionate - as opposed to legalistic - folks on the forums?

 

[AHapka]

She’s Catholic, a heavy alcoholic, bipolar (extreme symptoms, sometimes delusional, irregularly treated) and frequently involved in sexual relationships. She is often unable to make clear decisions. I’ve reminded her she can’t take Communion and she’s taken it fairly well… Sooner or later the Mass issue will come up, and I hate not encouraging her to go in the first place - that can’t be right. But I know that her confession probably won’t be valid; …and isn’t capable of making more sophisticated connections.

Make sure she is fed, clothed, sheltered, and supported with the necissary psychiatric support. Taking her to Mass and offering to take her to any appointments would be a great method of support.

That being said, I would like to comment on the part of your post I have quoted above. Her mental illness may well mitigate the grave sins that she is committing due to lack of free will. Especially if she can’t make the “sophisticated connections” you mention. Therefore, I would suggest a meeting with a priest or spiritual director for advice on receiving Holy Communion.

Also, I would charitably not “suggesting that her confessions probaby won’t be valid.” If proper matter is lacking, the decision is up to the priest to refuse absolution. In any event, as long as she is sorry for her sins and has a firm purpose of amendment based on her mental abilities, the confession is valid. The validity of her confession is between her and God. Definitely educate her on Catholic teachings on the Sacrament, but please don’t judge if it’s valid or not.

Someone fighting an addiction may really want to stop but is so bound by the chains of addiction that it’s very hard. They may need to go to confession a lot before progress is made.

Perhaps if she is amicable, set up a meeting with both of you and a priest/spiritual director to discuss these issues.

 

[FickleFreckled]

At the present time she is clothed, fed, etc. She is able to work at times. She’s not homeless; she dresses well and looks “normal”. Her current boyfriend pays half of everything. I’ve also chipped in when she’s needed financial help over the years. (I even naively let her live with me for a few weeks but that ended in disaster; I’ve never lived with an alcoholic before, didn’t know what to expect.). It’s not possible for me to make sure she has the proper psychiatric support. I’ve known her for 17 years, understand her thinking pretty well, and am not judging her. (Lord knows I have far less excuse for doing many things I’ve done in my own life.) Judging her is what I’m trying to avoid; I’ve seen miracles happen with people who technically shouldn’t be receiving Communion but do so anyway. I don’t want to discourage her in any of her attempts at drawing close to God. I was going to bring it up with my spiritual director when I see him the next time.

 

[Ruthie]

But I know that her confession probably won’t be valid; her intention to stop the sex lasts until she stops feeling guilty, which is only momentary.

Take her to confession that is immediately followed by Mass. Yes, as AHapka said, her illness does mitigate her sin. And, unless she constantly babbles, you can’t really tell whether or not her intention to stop lasts until she receives.

The best thing you could do for her is to encourage her to keep taking her medication.

And try to get her to see that her problems also relate to alcohol - to see that some bad events might not have happened if she’d been sober, for instance. This doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes we can’t make the connection until we’ve been dry for a while. And if she worries about it, reassure her that you can be both Catholic and an AA member.

I’ll pray for her.

Ruthie, compassionate, faithful Catholic, sober alcoholic, and bipolar under good management…

 

[ribozyme]

Is she even capable of responsibility?

 

[mdgspencer]

Make sure you pray about what to do (though perhaps you are already).

 

[FickleFreckled]

ribozyme,
I don’t know whether she’s capable of responsibility.
Sometimes when she’s sober she’ll say something that seems so rational and logical it surprises me, but then she’ll talk a little longer and it’s not such a rational thought after all or becomes less so. I really have no idea. Only God knows that.

I pray for her daily, and I’ve often prayed to keep my big mouth shut. I don’t know that there’s anything I can do, really, other than what I’m doing: keep reminding her to go to confession, ask her if she should be going to Communion. She’s of the opinion that an adult can’t live without sex - that she can’t live without it - that the Church must be wrong. On the other hand, when she thinks of it (because she’s been reminded) she admits that she shouldn’t receive Communion if she’s having sex outside marriage. So there you go.

 

[SongBird59]

Dear Freckled,

Fr. Vincent Serpa (on the Apologetics Forum) often advises people to spend time regularly before the Blessed Sacrament. I would encourage both you and your friend to do this. Grace abounds for those who avail themselves of His Eucharistic presence. In this case, it might be particularly helpful since there seems to be great doubt as to whether or not your friend is properly disposed to receive the Lord in Holy Communion.

As others have said, it’s really up to the confessor to determine the level of her culpability; but Jesus is there waiting in the tabernacle for all who want to come and spend time with Him.

 

[FickleFreckled]

Songbird (love your handle),

I already do. She might; I’ll ask her. She has a lot of agitation and can’t stay still for very long. I can’t see her doing it for longer than 5 minutes! She’s better at Mass when there’s something for her to focus on; maybe a couple of decades of the rosary could keep her focused for a little while. Good thought!