Complexities with invalid weddings - giving gifts

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SeekingHoliness

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Hello there,
I’ve been really struggling with a friend who will be getting married soon in an invalid ceremony, and just recently a new complexity has been thrown in. I could really use some other people’s perspectives to help me form my conscience on the matter. The marriage ceremony will be invalid because my friend is a baptized Catholic but will not be having a Catholic wedding. She has been very involved in parish activities for several years, and even held a paid staff position as the head of the Children’s Ministry for a year and a half. I was invited to her wedding and to a bridal shower. I have declined both. I fear these actions may have too badly damaged our relationship already, but now something new has come into the picture. A friend of hers has hastily sent out invitations to a second shower only a week ahead. But it is not worded as a typical bridal shower. It is titled: CELEBRATE THE FUTURE MRS.(then her new married name here). Then it describes the event as follows:

“This is our chance to celebrate with (wife’s name) before her big day on September 10th, so please join us for dessert. One of (the couple’s) dreams is for (husband) to be able to adopt (wife’s 3 yr old son). If you wish to help ease that financial burden, a money tree will be available to help that dream grow and bloom.”

I can only speculate this is a shower to raise funds to help pay for the adoption process expenses. While I think it will be a wonderful thing for this child to have a permanent, involved, and loving father, the shower is framed in the context of the invalid wedding. The conclusion I am coming to, is that it would not be prudent to attend the shower to celebrate the wedding (the future Mrs.) However, it would be morally licit to send a monetary gift to aid the adoption, right? Or is the whole event overshadowed by the wedding? Would sending a monetary gift for the adoption be seen as approving of the wedding and thus reinforcing the couple’s belief that their marriage is valid?

All you moral theologians out there, please give me a hand!
 
A Catholic marrying a non-Catholic can receive a dispensation from Catholic form to validly marry in the non-Catholic’s place of worship (or in some cases via a civil ceremony).

So, a wedding is not invalid merely because it is not in a Catholic Church.

You mention a 3 year old son, but do not mention whether the woman is divorced and/or has a decree of nullity nor the marital history of the other party.

Do you know for **certain **that this person will be entering an invalid marriage?

It seems to me giving money towards adoption if the couple is in an invalid marriage would be problematic.
 
1ke,
It is my understanding that my friend has not sought a dispensation or to involve the church in the wedding.

The child is from a previous unmarried relationship that was ended when she became pregnant. To my knowledge, both parties have never been married before.

I am 95% certain it will be invalid.

Any helpful reasoning behind your thoughts about why it would be problematic? I really need to parse it out and mull it over.
 
As I understand, it would be acceptable to attend the wedding, though not to assist in it (e.g. as an attendant). Gifts are totally up to you. I presume you have shared your concerns with your friend. If not, suggest she obtain the dispensation or have her marriage convalidated afterward.
 
John,
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
I understand it would be acceptable to attend the wedding, if after considering the circumstances it appeared to be the most prudent thing to do. However, I believe these circumstances are such that it would be most prudent not to attend. For instance, Michelle Arnold writes in one of the Ask An Apologist posts (this one forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=167154 ) the following:

“One rule of thumb that may be helpful in making such decisions might be to ask yourself if you believe the couple is doing the best that they can to act honorably and according to the truth that they have.”

I would say that since my friend has been very involved in the parish in a variety of ways including teaching the youth and held a paid staff position running the children’s ministry, that she has sufficient knowledge of her faith to know that what she is doing is gravely sinful.

Michelle also writes:

“If you are not attending the wedding as a matter of principle, then I cannot recommend attending a reception or giving a gift to honor an occasion that you believe in conscience that you cannot celebrate.”

And I also agree that you should not give wedding gifts in these situations.

Michelle linked to this page as well:

cuf.org/faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=137

It mentions the following: “Most importantly, Catholics must avoid any actions that cause scandal or encourage others to sin.” It goes on to cite the Catechism chapter 1868 which explains that we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them by approving them. This would appear to be the case with my circumstances.

Also, I was looking at a post on Jimmy Akin’s blog discussing an invalid wedding. One of the ways he puts it is that one’s “presence would lend credence to an objectively adulterous relationship.” He goes on to say that the person “needs to understand the reality of his situation. It does not do him any favors to confirm him in an adulterous or otherwise invalid union. If he is going to get his marital situation straightened out before God, he needs to be made aware of the truth and to be aware of it as soon as possible. Letting him get confirmed in a new, invalid union will only create a larger mess to be cleaned up later. The merciful thing–as hard as it is–is to be honest with him now about his proposed union (honest both in word and in deed) and give him all the support and encouragement one can to help him avoid making a terrible mistake.” This also seems to support my current situation.

I think right now I’m just trying to figure out how this affects the adoption situation and my desire to help them out!

Thanks!
 
Have you not **asked **her why she is marrying outside the Church? If you were good friends it would seem to be something you could bring up with her.

It’s just completely bizarre that someone with no impediments and active in church ministry would purposely marry outside the Church.
 
If a wedding will be invalid…I do not go…nor do I give gifts…even later to the “married couple”…nothing to show any “approval” of a fiction…(even if they are perhaps in “good conscience” subjectively)…So I can not recommend anyone going to such…

I love them and will be friends etc…but I must only act truth. Charity yes…but Charity without truth is not charity…

(Perhaps there are times when such can be done avoiding such approval etc…I know perhaps an argument could be made …but I have yet to judge any so…)

Note the Catechism states:

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:
  • by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
  • by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
  • by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
  • by protecting evil-doers.
 
As to giving money for a child to be adopted into a “family” where the couple is not really married…I could not do such either…I personally would not want to assist in bringing a child into a non-marital situation…as if were a valid marriage. (Perhaps there is more to such…but these are my initial thoughts…)

So I would say…it is clear that you want to help etc…but I would step back from this.

Then if they go through with it and adopt the child (believe me it is NOT going to hinge on if you give them money)…then the Child is well…the child of your friend…then you can do things for him “as a child” …lots of things. But after the fact…based now on the fact that he is now the child of your friend…and well a child.
 
OP, what makes you so certain the marriage will be invalid? Have you been privy to all the preparations?
 
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