Complicated funeral

[EasterJoy]

The situation is approximately this (some details are changed for anonymity):
A dear friend of mine will be going to the funeral of her ex-husband. He was abusive to the point that his children cut off all contact and will not be at the funeral. He is being buried in his home town where he and this friend were high school sweethearts before they married. They also lived there for several years after they married, but there will probably only be a dozen or maybe two dozen people at the funeral, primarily those close to the dead man’s siblings, who are seeing to the arrangements. The siblings of the deceased like this friend (the ex-wife) very much and do not blame her for divorcing this guy and obtaining a decree of nullity. She remarried but that marriage is essentially over, almost certainly another invalid attempt at marriage. He had never re-married; he may have co-habitated for awhile, but if so that was long over.

I’m going because a) my friend is going to need someone there with her and b) although we cannot read souls, if anyone ever seemed on the outside to need someone to pray for his soul when he was dead, it is probably this guy. He was (ironically enough) an active Catholic his entire life, always going to Sunday Mass and also active in the parish, even though he talked privately as if he were an atheist or at least presumed that divine justice was a sham that the religious authorities made up to control people. I could be wrong, but I don’t think he had any friends left when he died, and he was only in the approximate age range where he could start to draw Social Security.

If anyone has been in anything like a situation like this and could offer their perspective about how to be a friend to this friend, I am all ears. I cannot imagine what she is going through or how on earth she is going to sort this out emotionally.

 

[Viki63]

We know that God desires all men to be saved. It’s said that God calls each of us by name at our death, to draw us to him.
I would assume this man might have had some kind of mental illness, since he led a sort of double life. At least one with a great deal of cognitive dissonance.
What we can do for friends is be present for them, perhaps ask her what you can do to support her. Just your presence will be helpful, but you already know this.
I would assume your friend has forgiven her ex-husband, or wishes to forgive him, and wishes only the best for his soul. So you can help her by praying for her and listening to her if she wishes to talk.
Prayers for both of them.

.

 

[mommy_k]

For once I have no advice, as I will be in a similar position in the near future with a close extended family member…your friend is a better person then me, as I am debating if I should even go when the time comes.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Why is she going to the funeral? (I’m only asking as that reason may give you clues in how to help her). I’m surprised as his (their???) children are not going so it’s not like she needs to be there as motherly support.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Just be there for her, she will let you know what she needs from you when the time comes.

 

[Irishmom2]

In my experience at funerals, less is more as far as words are concerned.

Just you being there speaks volumes!

Simply telling your friend often that you love her, that she is a good mother, that she is a good friend, that she is a good person, that you are glad you came with her things like that can be very meaningful. .

Just be there for her, she will let you know what she needs from you when the time comes.

I agree. And will add that maybe an offer to go get a bite to eat afterward might be appreciated, even if not accepted.

 

[EasterJoy]

For once I have no advice, as I will be in a similar position in the near future with a close extended family member…your friend is a better person then me, as I am debating if I should even go when the time comes.

From what I gather, the people there intend to support the family members this guy put through the wringer during his lifetime and to pray mercy for someone who caused a lot of pain without much indication that he thought he had any reason to ask forgiveness.

He may well have had a mental illness–at the end, he certainly did–but he also committed offense after offense when he had enough faculties to practice a profession. He lost his family, his friends, and his employment position several years before he died, although not all by his own fault. (He had health issues that eventually kept him from working.)

Still, contrition was not his strong suit, but being offensive was. He had no reputation for acknowledging he was the one with the problem or that he was at fault for his interpersonal conflicts. I’ll just leave it at that; the friend doesn’t go into that too much. Suffice it to say she understands why her children will not have a thing to do with him and won’t be at the funeral. She would not have dreamed to press them to change their minds.

Why is she going to the funeral? (I’m only asking as that reason may give you clues in how to help her). I’m surprised as his (their???) children are not going so it’s not like she needs to be there as motherly support.

I think it is because she feels sorry for his siblings. It may also to be to grieve the man she thought she married, rather than for the one she actually got, or to grieve the married life she went through with him. I can’t tell and I don’t think it will help anything to ask. She feels she needs to go, she could use a friend there–she did not ask me to go, but told me when the funeral was and accepted my offer to be there with her–so I’m going.

Even as it is, it is going to be pathetic for someone with children to be buried with no one there but siblings, a few adult nieces or nephews, perhaps a few fellow parishioners who know the family, and an ex-wife who kept in contact with the deceased for reasons no one really understands. He was really horrible to her and the kids; some of his children are quite angry with her for having any contact with him at all. None of his grandchildren had ever been exposed to his presence, which their parents knew from experience was particularly toxic towards children. (He had grossly unrealistic expectations for how children, even young children, should be required to behave.)

I expect the eulogy/homily is going to be a bit hard to listen to: either the priest is going to tell the truth or he’s not. Either the truth or a hope-filled fabrication would be hard to hear, under the circumstances. The priest hardly knew the guy except to see that he was there at Mass on Sundays, so there may be some merciful fabrications made in the hope that there is some truth in them somewhere. What else can he do?

 

[EasterJoy]

Just be there for her, she will let you know what she needs from you when the time comes.

This seems like the only really good plan. If anyone has any insight to what she’s going through, though, I’m all ears.

Yes, I’d probably go, too, in her place. No, I would not have stayed in contact with an ex like that as she did. I think in retrospect she would have gotten her children away from him far sooner than she did. I have never known anyone as nice as her children who have that much bitterness towards anyone, let alone a parent. His name only comes up briefly, to acknowledge how well-earned his utter exclusion from their lives was and how much the opposite he was from what they needed in a father, and then the subject is changed. I don’t know what exactly he did, but the effect was devastating and the verdict is unanimous on that.

No, this funeral falls firmly in that land of “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” This is a funeral one goes to because one knows one can’t afford to be sparing with mercy, not because one needs to grieve the loss of someone who brought a little heaven to this vale of tears or to reflect on how a really good life ought to be lived.

When you think about it, though, it is interesting to think what it will be like to spend eternity with your enemies, after all parties have been transformed into saints. What other function can Purgatory serve, except to make those not destined for damnation fit for others to live with for eternity?

Our final exam may be whether we really can forgive those who trespassed against us as completely as we need to in order to expect to be forgiven for what we have done ourselves. A person like this demonstrates what a tall order that might be, when we have all laid bare right in front of us.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

She sounds like a lovely lady, she’s better than me as I wouldn’t be going but maybe it will give her some sort of complete closure.

I think all you can do is what you are already doing and be there for her!

 

[Trident_H]

I’m glad you’ll be there for her EJ. I can’t think of a better person she could have by her side at this time than a truly loyal friend like you.

 

[CradleJourney]

This seems like the only really good plan. If anyone has any insight to what she’s going through, though, I’m all ears.

My thought would be no one will have any insight into what she’s going / will go through … not even her soft smile I say that because if you’d asked me before, during or after my dad’s passing, I could have only made a vague guess about my own state of mind/emotion - and would have been pretty much wrong the entire time. I just know I was all over the place and the one distinct memory I have is saying EXACTLY the right thing to my various family members when needed - and that I give full credit to the Holy Spirit and my guardian angel for the inspiration and guidance to do that - since it wasn’t anything I could have planned ahead or thought up myself.

So, I’d suggest simply praying that you receive that same guidance on what to say / do and when /if to say /do it. Don’t try too much to think ahead but be ready to just go with whatever needs doing at the moment to support your friend and be open to any inspiration to come your way to help do so.

 

[EasterJoy]

My thought would be no one will have any insight into what she’s going / will go through … not even her soft smile I say that because if you’d asked me before, during or after my dad’s passing, I could have only made a vague guess about my own state of mind/emotion - and would have been pretty much wrong the entire time. I just know I was all over the place and the one distinct memory I have is saying EXACTLY the right thing to my various family members when needed - and that I give full credit to the Holy Spirit and my guardian angel for the inspiration and guidance to do that - since it wasn’t anything I could have planned ahead or thought up myself.

So, I’d suggest simply praying that you receive that same guidance on what to say / do and when /if to say /do it. Don’t try too much to think ahead but be ready to just go with whatever needs doing at the moment to support your friend and be open to any inspiration to come your way to help do so.

Thank you, that is very good advice. Sometimes the best plan is to avoid getting too attached to having a plan and the best insight is to realize you don’t and really can’t have much insight, at least not in advance. That’s one of those things I know but easily forget!

 

[mommy_k]

Yes, I think being there for support of your friend will help her get through this. I personally would listen and let her speak, and offer to pray the rosary with her if you are attending a viewing with the funeral.
I also think she is very fortunate to have you as a friend and I am sure you will be a great support.

For my relative, there will be even less people, perhaps 4 in total. Very sad. I would perhaps have a dizzy panic attack if I had to go, feeling as I do now… I have such an internal conflict about it, and just thinking about it causes enormous stress and it is awful.

I am happy your friend is not experiencing this.