Compliments

[miggy_2013]

I have a female friend who I’ve known for 9 years now or so but our “friendship” has grown stronger over the past 2 years. Throughout those 9 years, I knew her through a mutual friend but there were gaps were I didn’t have contact with her or saw her. But, as stated previously, over the last two years we have spent more time together and seen each other more often.

She has endured a rough past due to poor relationships where she always got the short end of the stick and was the one that got hurt more often than not so her self-esteem and confidence is a bit on the low end. However, I have started to like her on a more romantic level. We spoke over the phone the other day and the topic of compliments came up. I always give her positive reinforcement (i.e. compliments) and she made a comment that was a little surprising to me given our history. She felt that compliments are more intimate and should be reserved for those in a marriage setting. And asked me to try to not compliment her as much.

She already doesn’t like getting compliments because she feels that she is full of flaws and coupled with low self-esteem. So I just wanted some opinions on what this might mean. I do know she likes me and confides in me, says I’m a good friend and likes hanging out with me. I think shes scared to move forward due to her past. Hope I made sense. Thanks for readin.

 

[LoveJesus13]

Hello there,

You are right, perhaps she feels afraid to move forward and on a romantic level with you given she had a bad past. She might also not want to lose your friendship so she doesn’t want anything more to happen between the 2 of you.

I say have a serious conversation with her soon if you choose so you can tell her how you feel. For me, honesty is key in everything. That way you don’t end up confused and also say prayer that God will show you what He has planned for you and your friend.

Take care and God bless.

 

[miggy_2013]

Hello there,

You are right, perhaps she feels afraid to move forward and on a romantic level with you given she had a bad past. She might also not want to lose your friendship so she doesn’t want anything more to happen between the 2 of you.

I say have a serious conversation with her soon if you choose so you can tell her how you feel. For me, honesty is key in everything. That way you don’t end up confused and also say prayer that God will show you what He has planned for you and your friend.

Take care and God bless.

Thanks, the fact about not wanting to lose our friendship is what holds me back from actually conversing with her about this as well. She does know how I feel, at least I assume she does, as I tell her I care about her and am there for her all the time, and my actions should have also hinted it to her. However, I do want the friendship to last. I’ve been contemplating whether to back off a little bit, and hope it doesn’t backfire on me. But, I do know God has a plan for us individually so I will let Him do His work. Maybe, I’m just the type of “friend” that she needs at this point in her life and nothing more. It’s just hard because our emotions are involved.

 

[underacloud]

She felt that compliments are more intimate and should be reserved for those in a marriage setting. And asked me to try to not compliment her as much.

I may be wrong and this is no doubt not what you want to hear, but it seems like she’s telling you to back off. She probably sees you only as a friend and knows that you’d like your relationship to be more, but that she does not.

If that’s the case I think you have two possible choices:

a) Decide to just remain friends and thus let go of any romantic thoughts regarding her.

or b) Decide that being friends is not really what you want (and that is OK) and so you will have a serious conversation with her and let her know your intentions.

Keep in mind that if you choose option b), there’s still the possibility to remain friends. I’m still friends with people that didn’t reciprocate my romantic interest, and vice versa. It is certainly possible, and in many ways easier once you know where you stand.

 

[JackieMom]

It’s not very hard for a woman to tell when a man is interested. You might think she doesn’t suspect, but you’re probably wrong. I think it is very likely that she’s trying to let you know that she’s not interested on a romantic level. Kind of an “easy let down” before you make a move that will damage the friendship.

 

[Anglewannabe]

OK, I really don’t think you will like my answer but take it from a woman, this is a strong possibility.

She had a bad past she can’t get over. You are physically respectful of her. So, she gets male attention in a safe way. (ie no pressure for sex and better yet, no emotional pressure of being in a romantic relationship where she has to consider someone else’s feelings) so, I would NOT be surprised if she is using you for her own ego boost.

When she says: ‘I don’t like compliments’, personally I hear her saying 'I am pretending this is uncomfortable for me so that you will stop. If you stop, things will not move forward romantically and I can still think only of me. Because after all, you aren’t really hearing me say ‘I am not interested’ you are falling for my deceit.

If you remain friends and meet someone else, her ego boost is gone and she will be quick to tell you her ‘true’ feelings until you forget about the other girl. She will then all of a sudden be uncomfortable with all your compliments again.

Sure, there is probably a lot of validity to her past hurt. But she should seek help from other women not a man who has a crush on her. I think you are going to get hurt

Angie

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have a female friend who I’ve known for 9 years now or so but our “friendship” has grown stronger over the past 2 years. Throughout those 9 years, I knew her through a mutual friend but there were gaps were I didn’t have contact with her or saw her. But, as stated previously, over the last two years we have spent more time together and seen each other more often.

She has endured a rough past due to poor relationships where she always got the short end of the stick and was the one that got hurt more often than not so her self-esteem and confidence is a bit on the low end. However, I have started to like her on a more romantic level. We spoke over the phone the other day and the topic of compliments came up. I always give her positive reinforcement (i.e. compliments) and she made a comment that was a little surprising to me given our history. She felt that compliments are more intimate and should be reserved for those in a marriage setting. And asked me to try to not compliment her as much.

She already doesn’t like getting compliments because she feels that she is full of flaws and coupled with low self-esteem. So I just wanted some opinions on what this might mean. I do know she likes me and confides in me, says I’m a good friend and likes hanging out with me. I think shes scared to move forward due to her past. Hope I made sense. Thanks for readin.

If you’re spending more time with her, that is good, but you need to communicate with her on a romantic level or she WILL see you as another gal pal.

Listen, maybe you should cool it a tad on the compliments and try flirting and teasing instead.

And have a look at Angie’s post on here too. If you try and tease her, flirt and that doesn’t work, I’d say forget it. I think Angie has good points that she can’t get past her past.

Some people are in that situation and they need to resolve that issue before giving their full attention to a new relationship.

 

[SuperLuigi]

It’s not very hard for a woman to tell when a man is interested. You might think she doesn’t suspect, but you’re probably wrong. I think it is very likely that she’s trying to let you know that she’s not interested on a romantic level. Kind of an “easy let down” before you make a move that will damage the friendship.

Hmmm…I think he can still TRY and communicate with her on a romantic level, but if that doesn’t work, well, it’s beating a dead horse and will eventually annoy her.

 

[miggy_2013]

Thanks for all the responses. Much appreciated. Good or bad. Haha. I do think she has feelings for me that are more than on a friendship level but I do feel the main reason is that shes scared because she doesn’t want to get hurt again. I’m not putting any pressure on her so if it pans out then it pans out. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be. I understand that.

 

[miggy_2013]

It is what it is. I think that she doesn’t quite know what she wants even though she might think she does. There are times where it seems like she seeks approval in a way from others. There’s a lot more going on. Anyway, thanks again for the responses. God Bless.

 

[chevalier]

She has endured a rough past due to poor relationships where she always got the short end of the stick and was the one that got hurt more often than not so her self-esteem and confidence is a bit on the low end. However, I have started to like her on a more romantic level. We spoke over the phone the other day and the topic of compliments came up. I always give her positive reinforcement (i.e. compliments) and she made a comment that was a little surprising to me given our history. She felt that compliments are more intimate and should be reserved for those in a marriage setting. And asked me to try to not compliment her as much.

That’s a question you can’t really solve by wondering who’s right on the merits. You’ve got to respect her wish, and she certainly has a right to make it, without it really being an issue whether she’s right or wrong on the rationale for it. All the more so if those compliments make her feel as awkward as she says.

Also, the very idea of compliments is to make someone feel better. If they don’t do that, they don’t work. Are you going to compliment someone against her will? That would be an odd use of compliments, and one that gratified you rather than the recipient. In short, nope.

She already doesn’t like getting compliments because she feels that she is full of flaws and coupled with low self-esteem. So I just wanted some opinions on what this might mean. I do know she likes me and confides in me, says I’m a good friend and likes hanging out with me. I think shes scared to move forward due to her past. Hope I made sense. Thanks for readin.

You need to think long and hard before getting involved with a woman who has self-esteem issues. I’m not saying one shouldn’t do it, I’m saying one should really know what’s doing when doing just that. You may have some issues with self-esteem yourself, basing on what I’ve just read (the need to compliment her, even against her wishes; the attraction to a woman who has low self-esteem herself; perhaps some other things, such as possibly the whole is it friendship or is it dating thing). If so, then you need to sort that stuff out too.

EDIT: One more thing. You won’t win a woman over by complimenting her. You won’t really lose one by not complimenting her, especially whe she doesn’t want you to. You need to spent time with her and give up on the idea of having a constant gauge of wherever you might possibly be on the scale from zero to romance. Even in romantic relationships, there are days when you’re just shopping or cleaning or whatever. Uncertainty, I know, but one’s got to give up control. That control is an illusion anyway. And yes, I’m kinda guessing here and relating to some personal experience of my own.

 

[Xantippe]

“She has endured a rough past due to poor relationships where she always got the short end of the stick and was the one that got hurt more often than not so her self-esteem and confidence is a bit on the low end.”

She sounds like she needs a therapist more than a boyfriend at this point.