Comprehending a bad marriage

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catholicman76

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I have posted in the past, but lost my old account info…

I have been marriage for 5 years, and we have no children.

I find myself in a situation where divorce may be inevitable, it is the most depressing, embarrassing, confusing, frustrating time in my life.

For me divorce is a horrible option one that I can still can not grasp. The only avenue that I have not explored is a separation, but it will only probably create more turmoil.

I have been in counseling, as my wife has been, and we are in marriage therapy\ counseling. I have probably shared my story with a half dozen or more priest and not one has told me I have required to honor my vows and stay married. In fact a couple have told me to run.

I do know forgiveness is huge in marriage, but I feel I have experienced a few exceptions to the that rule. Although, there are several circumstances that have lead to, it all revolves around abuse. (Emotional, alienation friends\family, spirituality, and physical)

No physically abuse has happened in months, but she still states even in counseling that it was my fault and I that deserved it, she said this as recently as last week.

Although she says she does not consider me ugly, she said shortly after we got married and when it was recently addressed in marriage counseling “She would not have marriage me if she knew how I looked naked”

If I choose to see my family 4 hours every 1-2 month it becomes tremendously problematic (they live local)

The additional names and insults that have been said to be, are just painful and wrong.(failure as a husband, stupid,)

I realize that there is not much advice can be given, but prayers would be great.

I think my biggest hurdle is the following, “In sickness and health”, so it my wife may be mentally sick, that falls under sickness. Am I correct? but each one of those examples broke other marriage vows, and some fall under “Annulment reasons”.

What to do?
 
You were physically abused, and your abuser refuses to take responsibility for her actions. I can imagine that no priest believes you should stay and be abused by your wife. I cannot give you advice, but since you are already doing everything you can, I will add you to my prayers. Do not accept abuse as a matter of course.
 
Mental illness might be part of the picture, but you are being abused. The priests are right, you don’t have to stay. I don’t know about anullment or not.

I think I remember you from your other account. I hope its ok to say that…im not going to ask anything I shouldn’t. Im just sorry this is still going on unchanged.

You and she are in my prayers.
 
You’re certainly free to leave (with the consent of the competent ecclesiastical authority).
 
I have no advice beyond encouraging you to keep up with your therapy and keep talking with your priest. Listen to the advice you get from these professionals.

I will pray for you.
 
If you are being constantly abused emotionally or otherwise, it is not a healthy situation and you probably need to get out. No one starts out marriage wanting to get a divorce and I can sympathize with your concerns.
 
Thanks for the responses.

I would never consider it major physical abuse… (punch to the arm, shove, etc). but it happened, I consider bodily contacting because of anger rage is abuse.

The last time it happened was during argument, I decided to leave the house and take a drive. She followed me to the car, yelled at me while I was sitting in the car in the middle of the driveway, (standing behind the open door so I could not move), After I did not meet her demands. she started punching be in the arm.

The only reason, I did not leave that day or since then, is because she agreed to marriage consoling that day we got in the counselling less then a week later (this was 6 months ago). We have been live a chaste life since the day. Although we talked about several times over the last 6 months, I again address the abuse, she said “All you wish for be to do is justly the abuse, so you will sleep with me again, I am not ready to do so”

She does really does not get it… 😦
 
I am so sorry you are going through this; it sounds like you love her and want to help her, but she simply does not want to be helped. She is not showing you basic respect, and it sounds like staying and putting up with her behavior is not going to help her to become a better person–and may actually encourage her to sin further.

The loving thing may be the hardest thing to do: remove yourself from the situation. I would begin with a separation as soon as possible. It might wake her up and help her realize that she needs to change her sinful behavior… or it might not. 😦 Follow the advice of your priest, spiritual director (if you have one), and counselor. It may be difficult, but with God’s help, you will make it through.

I will pray for you both. :gopray2:
 
Some advice:
Stick with the marriage why so many divorces it really is not that hard be totally selfless put your spouse first (except for God obviously)
 
I’m not exactly sure what you’re looking for in this, though I’m glad you’ve taken it to a priest for help, as well as a counselor, and that you’ve got your wife going along with you.

From a legal perspective, abuse is a form of abandonment, and it is grounds for a lawful divorce for your own well-being. An annulment is another thing but that may be addressed later.

From the perspective of what must be done to save the marriage, I think there are multiple problems. Your wife appears to have a lot of anger and much difficulty in controlling or directing it properly. Every married couple has arguments, most yell at one point, but it is never considered normal to bully without apology. I do not wish for anyone to remain in a marriage that is harmful to the well-being of one or both spouses; however, no one can tell you to leave. You must make that decision on your own whether you wish to work with her until she learns to approach you with love and respect, or part ways and pray for her salvation separately.
 
Transalosania said:
Some advice:
Stick with the marriage why so many divorces it really is not that hard be totally selfless put your spouse first (except for God obviously)
Click to expand...
Did you read the part where he said his wife had physically hit him? And said he deserved it?

What would you say if it were a woman being beaten by her husband? That she should stay and just think of her spouse first?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Did you read the part where he said his wife had physically hit him? And said he deserved it?

What would you say if it were a woman being beaten by her husband? That she should stay and just think of her spouse first?
Click to expand...
I’d guess that Transalosania didn’t actually read his post.
 
Dealing with mental health issues with loved ones is a tough job, especially when you are being abused. It is good that you are drawing the line in the sand. Be certain that YOU are not dealing with leftover feelings from another loved one in your past who may have been abusive. Sometimes we hang around longer than is normal or we appear frozen because we were abused when we were younger and had no ability to leave the abusive situation.

Does she have family or friends that know what she is like? If I were to leave, I would want to leave word with someone constant in her life that I am leaving until she gets help and she takes responsibility for her problem. That way I would be clear about why I am going. She can distort all she wants, but you would have made it clear.

There is a book called “I Am Not Sick. I Don’t Need Help” about getting help for loved ones with mental illness. The title struck me well since it describes the words that the undiagnosed people use when we try to offer help rather than just continue reacting to their odd or awful behaviors. They deny that they are sick like an alcoholic denies that they have a problem with alcohol. And some of that may be physiological.

As a human being, you deserve better treatment and so does she. Try to be firm and consistent, matter of fact. Avoid anger and emotionality around her, even if she is trying to get a rise out of you. She may be trying to provoke passion or even violence to create a drama or re-create a drama from her past. Maybe she believes that anger and violence indicates true love; she may not be able to identify real love right now. Tell her you have deep feelings but say that you don’t have the luxury or foolishness to put them in her hands while she is sick or violent. Stay calm. You do not deserve this. You are not the only one who has a loved one who is Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

She is hurting and a part of her may see the damage she is making in that hurt/illness. If she does see that, she must feel very guilty, especially if someone else has hurt her in her past. This may take time. This may take a long time. You may not want to wait a long time for someone to come around to herself.

I strongly suggest attending a few family support meetings by NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill). It is good to be around others who have had to learn to be counter-intuitive in order to do the right thing for themselves and their families. There is so much guilt for some of us when we are only trying to protect ourselves and do the right thing. You know her behavior is wrong but I can see that you are really having a difficult time leaving. My tall brother was physically abused by his very tiny wife. He said that he could not get help since he thought that no one would believe he was being battered by such a little person. Women can be just as abusive as men. Get over the shock and try to do the right thing. Staying in that situation rarely helps.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Did you read the part where he said his wife had physically hit him? And said he deserved it?

What would you say if it were a woman being beaten by her husband? That she should stay and just think of her spouse first?
Click to expand...
Love them through whatever
 
Transalosania said:
Some advice:
Stick with the marriage why so many divorces it really is not that hard be totally selfless put your spouse first (except for God obviously)
Click to expand...
No, no one is required to put up with abuse. Even the priests are telling him so.
 
catholicman76 said:
……I do know forgiveness is huge in marriage, but I feel I have experienced a few exceptions to the that rule. Although, there are several circumstances that have lead to, it all revolves around abuse. (Emotional, alienation friends\family, spirituality, and physical)……
Click to expand...
But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. (Mt 6:15 NAS)

When they came to the place called The Skull, there they crucified Him and the criminals, one on the right and the other on the left. But Jesus was saying, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” (Lk 23:33-35 NAS)

There are no exceptions for forgiveness. However, I suspect you either did not present your thoughts clearly or do not comprehend what forgiveness requires. I would be required to forgive someone who plucked my eye out. I do not think God requires me to allow them to pluck my other eye out.
 
Transalosania said:
Love them through whatever
Click to expand...
No. I don’t know where you got the idea that someone has to take abuse. A separation could be in order here. He is getting counseling and has spoken to priests who have told him that he has grounds for at least separation.

Abuse is not part of the marriage covenant.
 
I like that you are wanting to stand by your vow, “in sickness and in health.” I’m very glad that you believe in the whole of marriage. (I do, too.) But that doesn’t mean you have to live with a mentally ill, abusive person. There are other ways to physically, mentally, and spiritually support someone who is mentally ill.

A separation will help both of you see your marriage more clearly - and it’s much less drastic than a divorce. Away from each other, your therapy could help you more quickly. For example, she might learn that what she does is abuse, not a normal reaction to provocation. And maybe you’ll find out that you owe her a little apology about something - but when the reaction to an unintended insult is a nuclear explosion, you’re going to defend yourself!

I have been emotionally abused in the past. Getting away from it helped me as much as therapy did.

Praying for both of you, and for your marriage,
 
Transalosania said:
Love them through whatever
Click to expand...
Of course you must love them through whatever, but sometimes that has to be done from a distance, sometimes the most loving thing a person can do for an abusive spouse is to separate. It is not ideal, it is not desirable, but sometimes it is the right course of action. Separating does not necessarily mean that a person is failing to love their spouse.
 
Transalosania said:
Love them through whatever
Click to expand...
Loving them does not always mean associating with them or allowing them to abuse you, and it never means tolerating sin. Jesus forgave sinners and loved them, but he also reprimanded them and did not tolerate their sin–he told them to “go and sin no more.” Loving someone is doing what is best for them, even when that means allowing them to experience suffering and/or the consequences of their actions so that they can grow, emotionally and spiritually. We are to help our spouses get to heaven, not sit passively and watch while they do damage to their souls and ours (remember, this was part of Adam’s sin).

From what has been said here, staying and putting up with the behavior might sound like the “nice” thing to do, but it does not sound like the loving thing to do.

I could be wrong about this situation, of course, and that is up to the OP, and his priest, to determine.
 
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