Compromising in a Friendship

[CRATUS]

I have difficulty with this concept. I do not think the truth should be sacrificed because people cannot handle it. If we only said what was pleasant, that is not reality. At the same time, when does correction and being told the truth become too much? I am having this problem with a dear friend. I like that she tells her the truth or her opinion whenever - but some days I just do not agree or feel like hearing it. I feel she can be overbearing, crosses boundaries on what she says to me or some people see her behavior as bullying. Some argue she expects too much from me or that is she just too critical and impatient or that she is too harsh or hard on me like a parent. I understand the truth has no feelings. Being right is not everything - ultimately she is right. Do my feelings really matter?

 

[Crusaderbear]

Yes, your feelings matter. Sit her down and tell her she needs to back off some. If her actions are seen as belittling by others, tell her. Maybe she is just oblivious…

Or enjoys nagging.

 

[Trident_H]

I have difficulty with this concept. I do not think the truth should be sacrificed because people cannot handle it. If we only said what was pleasant, that is not reality. At the same time, when does correction and being told the truth become too much? I am having this problem with a dear friend. I like that she tells her the truth or her opinion whenever - but some days I just do not agree or feel like hearing it. I feel she can be overbearing, crosses boundaries on what she says to me or some people see her behavior as bullying. Some argue she expects too much from me or that is she just too critical and impatient or that she is too harsh or hard on me like a parent. I understand the truth has no feelings. Being right is not everything - ultimately she is right. Do my feelings really matter?

Hey CRATUS. Yeah. Of course your feelings matter. How can you be a real friend while hiding your feelings all the time? That’s a bit of a one-way friendship then isn’t it?

But at the same time you can get stuff across without a sledgehammer right? I mean if she says something daft you don’t have to be blunt in your reply. You can always go with the, “Well I never thought of it that way. What do you think of this side of it?”

I mean sometimes you give a bit in order to take back more. This is the art of the pick-pocket really. To steal a wallet you first have to push it deeper in the pocket. So that it feels like it’s staying. When really it’s leaving.

Ok. Maybe that’s a bad analogy. Now you’re thinking your buddy’s a pickpocket. Or maybe that he teaches that kind of school. But I think you get the idea. Give some. Take more. It’s high finance. It’s merchant savvy. It’s the long play. But also. It’s also just a friendly way to validate the feelings of your friend. To make sure that she feels heard. So that she can let go of that side of the conversation. And concentrate next on the listening part. Because otherwise she’ll just loop back on what she just said. Until she gets that signal from you. Until she feels heard on that.

Peace CRATUS. Take care of yourself.

-Trident

 

[pianistclare]

Hey CRATUS. Yeah. Of course your feelings matter. How can you be a real friend while hiding your feelings all the time? That’s a bit of a one-way **friendship then isn’t it?

But at the same time you can get stuff across without a sledgehammer right? I mean if she says something daft you don’t have to be blunt in your reply. You can always go with the, “Well I never thought of it that way. What do you think of this side of it?”

I mean sometimes you give a bit in order to take back more.** This is the art of the pick-pocket really. To steal a wallet you first have to push it deeper in the pocket. So that it feels like it’s staying. When really it’s leaving.

Ok. Maybe that’s a bad analogy. Now you’re thinking your buddy’s a pickpocket. Or maybe that he teaches that kind of school. But I think you get the idea. Give some. Take more. It’s high finance. It’s merchant savvy. It’s the long play. But also. It’s also just a friendly way to validate the feelings of your friend. To make sure that she feels heard. So that she can let go of that side of the conversation. And concentrate next on the listening part. Because otherwise she’ll just loop back on what she just said. Until she gets that signal from you. Until she feels heard on that.

Peace CRATUS. Take care of yourself.

-Trident

indeed.

 

[Iron_Donkey]

There’s a difference between recognizing that there is a time to speak and a time not to and compromising on values.

What is true does not depend on your feelings, true, but the effect of what people say to you does depend on feelings to at least some degree. Repeatedly beating someone over the head with the stick of truth is not productive or necessary, and can actually drive people away if it turns into constant badgering.

Your feelings matter primarily because you’re a person with dignity who ought not be trod upon. Secondarily, they matter also because the purpose of such conversations is actually to help people, and our feelings play a part in our receptiveness to such things. True, speaking hard truths to people may occasionally be necessary, but the key word there is occasionally, and it should always be done carefully. If this person is constantly pointing out your shortcomings (real or imagined) then she is not helping you, and likely isn’t actually trying to but rather (perhaps subconsciously) trying to demonstrate her moral superiority.