Concern for my son

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cathyrep

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I have a 20 year old son who is not coming home at night. He is staying with a girl he recently met. I have asked to come home but says that I am Interfering with his life. He says “she is special” He has drifted from the Catholic Church and acting immature. As a parent I feel frustrated and loss if disparir. I pray that my son find his way back to Jesus and he enlightened by the Holy Spirit.
I don’t know what to do.
 
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If he’s living at home, he has to follow the rules of the home.
 
I’m not positive this will help you since I’m only fourteen. I don’t blame you for being concerned. If I were in your situation I would try not to force this on him because you could possibly get him upset. When he comes home try to give him a friendly greeting like, “Hi! How did it go?” or something similar to that. My family likes to usually say a prayer before we eat or before I go to bed. Try to get him involved with God by telling him stories from the Bible that he would be interested in. Maybe buy a small cross to hang in his bedroom or somewhere in the house. If you haven’t met the girl ask if you can meet her. If he says no then just ask what she’s like. Try inviting family over so he can stay home and maybe you could invite the girl to a family dinner. I wish you the best.
God bless you.
 
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Also try not to force anything on him or do something that would make him upset. If you do that often your relationship with him won’t be very strong.
 
If he’s not coming home try to keep in contact with him. Try to negotiate with him. Does he have a job? If so he will be able to pay for the things he needs. Try setting up times if he refuses to come home like he spends a certain amount of time at the girls house and he spends a certain amount of time at your house. Maybe even set up a time for church.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
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All I can say is…pray for him!

On a more practical note…if he insists on staying at his gf’s house, don’t go ballistic, but let him know that if he wants to live like a grown man, he can pay his own bills, solve his own problems, etc.

If you’re helping him financially now, it’s giving approval to his lifestyle. If he waits to live his own life, fine! Once he’s paying his own bills, doing his own laundry (or having his gf do it), living without your help may not seem so attractive. And, the young lady, unless she’s truly special, will not appreciate the extra work involved.

Is he in college. Planning to go? He may not find it easy at will, paying for tuition and living expenses. I’m sure it would take a full-time job, at least!

However, you should never stop praying for him. Here I go, saying a mouthful, after saying I had no advice but to pray! But, I don’t think anyone should be supporting another adult, who has a lifestyle they do not approve of. However, he is your son, and you should pray for him.

Hoping for the best, and God Bless!
 
If he is going to live with her that way I would invite him to get a job and find another place to live.
 
If he is 20 and living at home, I suggest considering that the roof over his head (and whatever else) you are providing him with is a gift. Gifts should never have strings attached. So either you give the gift, and you are able to accept he is a grown man who makes his own decisions with regards to how he spends his time outside of your home, or you aren’t able to give such a gift…so you don’t.

Of course, if you invited a stranger or another relative for a short stay at your house you would expect them to be respectful. You should have the same expectation of your son…while he is in your house. No feet on the table, no coming in at 3 AM and waking the whole house, no dirty dishes in the sink…whatever that means to you. This is just practicality…not strings attached to a gift. But when he is away from the house, he is on his own time. Yes, there are those who say you should expect him to live your Catholic values at all times, but that is not really reasonable. As I said, approach it from the standpoint that housing him is a gift from you. No strings attached.

One reason why it is healthy for adults to move away from home once they hit adulthood is because their parents don’t need to know everything they do and every choice they make. I realize it is difficult in today’s economy for them to move out on their own if they are still in school, etc.
 
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The two greatest gifts you can give your children is a Catholic upbringing and independence.
The final lesson in independence is usually painful for the parents.

Let them go.

This is not to say they won’t allow sin and corruption into their lives, instead, they know it stops at your door.
 
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It’s time to let him figure the world out. And who knows, maybe this woman will be the mother if your grandkids someday. Dont ruin the possibility of a good relationship with your son and his family later on.
 
You need to cut the apron strings. Your son has a girlfriend, you should be happy for him or do u want him to remain single? Why don’t you invite her over for dinner? Support him. He might marry her one day so why impede him. I wouldn’t go with the blackmail tactics some other people have suggested.

Out of all the things a 20yo guy can get into a girlfriend is not bad at all. In fact she might be just the thing for him.
 
Well, he needs to follow the house rules if he wants to stay under your roof. Otherwise, he should officially move out and make his own way in the world.
 
At the very least, he owes you the same decency one would afford any roommate, letting one know whether or not he plans to come home.

Maybe invite her over for dinner? Since “she is special”.
 
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Did you miss the part about him living at home but staying out all night with his girlfriend?

I see many people trying to downplay the feelings of concern the OP has as a mother for her son.
 
Ask him if he still believes in an afterlife and what he thinks would happen if he got hit by a car on the way home.
FinallyPeace said:
When he comes home try to give him a friendly greeting like, “Hi! How did it go?”
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For crying out loud, do you want him to give a detailed play-by-play account of everything he did with her?
 
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Norseman82 said:
Ask him if he still believes in an afterlife and what he thinks would happen if he got hit by a car on the way home.
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I rarely ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to. No need to open a can of worms. There is a good chance the son doesn’t hold any of the beliefs of the mother. It is up to the mom if she wants to live a peaceful life while sharing her living space with her son. If so, she needs to make it work. If not, time to send him out on his own. It really is her choice, and how she chooses to look at things.
 
QwertyGirl said:
It is up to the mom if she wants to live a peaceful life while sharing her living space with her son. If so, she needs to make it work. If not, time to send him out on his own. It really is her choice, and how she chooses to look at things.
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Why not up to the son to live a peaceful life while sharing the living space provided by his mother (and father)? Why shouldn’t it be up to him to make it work? After all, it’s not like he’s being abused.
 
thank you for all the feedback. There is so much more going on. I have attempted many of the things suggested. He is acting immaturely and has very little regard for everyone else in our home. I keep asking him to be respectful towards his grandmother and to try to get along with his sister. He responds by saying that he treats everyone the same. I just cannot accept that.
 
Norseman82 said:
Why not up to the son to live a peaceful life while sharing the living space provided by his mother (and father)? Why shouldn’t it be up to him to make it work? After all, it’s not like he’s being abused.
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Because his own actions aren’t disturbing him. They are disturbing Mom, so Mom has to decide how to mitigate the problem. This would be the case if there was minor bahavior she didn’t like (drinking the last of the milk and not replacing it, for example) or more meaty issues, like staying out all night.

The reality is that most of the world would find his behavior pretty innocuous. Mom has a problem with it, though. Mom needs to have a conversation with son to let him know what she can live with and what she can’t. Personally, I didn’t like my adult child living at home and staying out all night without letting me know she wasn’t coming home. This was because it would disrupt a good night’s sleep for me because every noise during the night would wake me, wondering if it was her coming in. I didn’t pass moral judgement on it. She would call and let me know. I was fine with it and didn’t ask a bunch of questions about things that weren’t my business.

I knew where my boundaries were, and we discussed them and my daughter was able to live with them, respectfully. If she had said “No way. I can’t commit to calling you everytime I stay out.” then that would have been a deal breaker for me and she would have had to go.
 
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