Concern for my son

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cathyrep said:
thank you for all the feedback. There is so much more going on. I have attempted many of the things suggested. He is acting immaturely and has very little regard for everyone else in our home. I keep asking him to be respectful towards his grandmother and to try to get along with his sister. He responds by saying that he treats everyone the same. I just cannot accept that.
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What I’m getting from everything posted is that it is time for Son to move out, live on his own, make his own life decisions, support himself, and stop disrupting the others in the family who presumably don’t have the freedom to move away themselves.

I will pray for your situation.
 
This is a parenting decision for you and your spouse.

Have you set the expectation that adult children at home have house rules to follow? I’d hope you have made whatever your rules are clear along the years so nothing comes as a shock.

You can give your adult child a “30 days to find a job and a new place to live” or you can set other rules like “if you are going to be out past midnight, call and let us know so we don’t worry” or anything in between. Be consistent, be in agreement with your spouse.
 
I don’t want to argue with you or anything but usually when I ask somebody how something went they would usually reply with “Good”. I didn’t ask what they did. I asked how did it go.
 
Pnwcatholic said:
And who knows, maybe this woman will be the mother if your grandkids someday. Dont ruin the possibility of a good relationship with your son and his family later on.
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Just an aside…my best friend of 20 years was once in a similar situation. When his parents discovered that he was having sex with his girlfriend, their response was to inform him that, “If she sleeps with you she’d sleep with anyone.” They also took the occasion to call her some choice, vile names. As fate would have it, my buddy and his girlfriend have now been married for over 15 years and have three great kids…whom their paternal grandparents rarely see. On those rare occasions when their paths do cross, the situation could best be described as “icy.” I suspect that his parents would give just about anything for a do-over.
 
But what would the OP be asking if she asked that? “How did your evening go when you stayed with your girlfriend doing only God knows what since you didn’t come home last night?”

No, no parent is going to ask how did it go.
 
I don’t appreciate arguing much so I’m just going to say okay and that I respect your opinion. Sorry for giving her advice.
 
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cathyrep said:
thank you for all the feedback. There is so much more going on. I have attempted many of the things suggested. He is acting immaturely and has very little regard for everyone else in our home. I keep asking him to be respectful towards his grandmother and to try to get along with his sister. He responds by saying that he treats everyone the same. I just cannot accept that.
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I’ve read through this thread, and I’m not sure I understand the situation.

Does your son still live at home with you?

Or has he left the family home and is now living on his own (or more accurately, with a girlfriend)?

If he is still living at home with you, but insists on disrespecting you, I would say that it’s time to tell him that he needs to leave the house because he isn’t a little boy anymore, he’s a grown man, and if he wants to make his own decisions regarding how he lives his life, he needs to be living on his own, and paying for it himself.

If he wants to continue to live in his childhood home, he must obey your “house rules”. If you have never established a “house rules” that the children’ cannot spend the night with someone of the opposite sex, then refer your son to the Scriptures and Church teachings that you have followed all of your life, and tell him that you have always tried to honor God’s commandments, one of which is “No fornication!”

But if your son is living on his own, out of the family home, then…sorry, he’s a grown man and must be allowed to make his own decisions. You can pray hard for him and recruit others who you trust to pray for him. I think that if you try remonstrating with him, you will probably make him more stubbornly determined to live contrary to your wishes. So ease up on him, and get really serious with God in your prayers–be a Saint Monica and never stop praying for your son!
 
cathyrep said:
He is acting immaturely and has very little regard for everyone else in our home.
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You need to encourage him to find a new place.
The easiest way to accomplish this is indirectly.

Monthly room and board, chores and required church attendance are usually all it takes.
Asking just $300 a month in an area where $1700 is the norm will seem exorbitant to him.

This may seem harsh, but in time he’ll thank you for it! (As all my kids did)
 
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He does still live home. I have set rules all along. This behavior is out of ordinary for him.
 
cathyrep said:
This behavior is out of ordinary for him.
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This, combined with your statement from your first post:
cathyrep said:
He is staying with a girl he recently met.
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… makes me think that you might be concerned that there might be more going on than just disrespecting your home rules.

If you are responding to an instinct that his behaviors are not typical for him, then you do need to honor that and do what you can to open up those channels of communication. I think you need to find a neutral way/space to talk with your son so that you can both share how you are feeling without feeling attacked.

If you can’t create a neutral space at home where you are able to have difficult discussions, then maybe consider family therapy, where there is a neutral mediator.

Either way, I think you should let him know you’d like to meet this girlfriend and respect his autonomy in choosing her. Immature or not, he is old enough to make his own decisions.

I recognize that 20 is considered an adult age, but I disagree with the hard stance of, “not under my roof… (so get your own place)…” He’s disrespecting your rules by spending the nights elsewhere, but he’s not bringing his girlfriend to spend the night at your home, so in his mind, he may feel that he is respecting your house rules.

Not all 20 year olds are mature enough to be on their own, so we, as parents can find ourselves straddling this grey zone of knowing they’ll “sink” if we take that hard line. That’s not good for anyone… Finding a way to give them space to grow (and make mistakes) while having them respect our boundaries gets more complicated as they age because of the compromise factor.

I am one who has drifted from the Catholic Church, (and the result of that was that my entire family stopped as well.) So I’m sure I have a more lax perspective than many folks on these forums - but I can say that once my boys crossed into that young man stage, all our rules had to be re-written. Figuring out how to communicate, (because they’re not children anymore, but it’s hard to shift out of the “old parent-child mode of communication”…), as they cross into adulthood is key.
 
I appreciate everyone’s feedback. Unfortunately, my son is not willing to communicate. Insists on things to be his way.
Asking him to find a balance seems irrelevant to him.
2 months ago he drove 6 hrs to get a dog because he thought it would help him with feelings of depression. However, Spending time with the dog only lasted 2 weeks. The dog has now become my responsibility, one that I told him I did not want.

I honestly don’t know where to turn. I asked the priest recommendation for spiritual advisor but was unable to help.
 
Perhaps some counseling? For yourself, your son, or both of you together? Maybe he is stuck and cannot grow up. Or depressed.
 
Well respected site for Spiritual Direction


Also, call your Diocese and ask for the names of Spiritual Directors in your area. Often pastors do not keep the list, they rely on the staff or the Diocese.
 
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