Concerned About The Feasibility of Waiting Until Marriage

[CowboyKarimov]

Hello Catholic Answers Forums!

I have been meaning to join for a while, but not until your site redesign could I make a new account. In my four or so years lurking here I have found you guys to be a very good community, and I hope to find a lot of good here.

Here’s my problem, if the title didn’t tip you off. Like any good Catholic, I believe that sex is a sacred thing to be shared between husband and wife. Now, I have committed to waiting until marriage, but the rest of society hasn’t. In regards to premarital sex, while I know it is a grave sin, sometimes I feel that in our times it is something one must do in order to get ahead and not fall behind.

I do know that a ten percent of American women — which is definitely a very big chunk of them — have also decided to wait. And I’m not barring myself from dating anyone who isn’t a virgin, that would be silly. My problem comes should I decide to date a woman who lies in the other ninety percent. I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

People are marrying at older ages now too, from what I understand is because of financial concerns. If a long-time partner breaks up with me at the age of, say, 24, I will be thrust into a dating world that is much less accepting of virgins than it would have been whenever I started dating that girl. My concern there is that I will be unable to find a date who will accept my values and my virginity. I feel like they’ll laugh me off, and I won’t be able to get married at all.

My thoughts about this invade the workplace as well. If my coworkers, and especially my boss, know I’m a virgin, I feel like they will take me less seriously, and because of this a raise or a promotion will be out of my range.

Basically, my concern is that my virginity and its lack of acceptance by general society will stop me from advancing my status at an adequate rate and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it. I won’t be a functioning member of society as much as I am a caricature of a no-fun-allowed bible thumper.

After writing them down, I know these thoughts are irrational. No woman worth my time would turn me down because of my religious beliefs. But even if I know where the holes in these thoughts are they will still haunt me. If I want to find peace, I’m going to need assurance from others.

God Bless, Chase

 

[SacredHeartBassist]

if your partner won’t wait for you before marriage, then they’re probably not ready to make any type of commitment and thus, aren’t really marriage material.

pope francis expressed the opinion once that most marriages are invalid.

anyway, no one has to know you’re a virgin except the person you’re dating. just try to date someone who will respect you and your views. it’s definitely going to be harder for you but it’s harder to be a christian in the first place.

 

[pianistclare]

If they are “worried” about your performance then the really are not worthy of you.
Stay strong.

 

[1ke]

Now, I have committed to waiting until marriage, but the rest of society hasn’t.

Well, if “the rest of society” jumped off the proverbial bridge, would you?

A big “so what” to the “rest of society”. Also a reminder that media distorts reality. Many, many people live Christian lives and don’t give a flip about “the rest of society”.

sometimes I feel that in our times it is something one must do in order to get ahead and not fall behind.

Nope. That’s a lie.

I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

If she’s concerned about that, she’s not a potential life partner. She’s not even worth your time.

will be thrust into a dating world that is much less accepting of virgins than it would have been whenever I started dating that girl.

It sounds to me like you’re real problem is owning it. It’s not like you’re going to call up a girl and say “hey want to go to the movies oh and by the way I’m a virgin”. I mean this is just not a topic that comes up in conversation, unless you make it into a thing. There is plenty of time to have a discussion when you are actually dating someone and talking about boundaries and life and deeply held beliefs.

If my coworkers, and especially my boss, know I’m a virgin, I feel like they will take me less seriously, and because of this a raise or a promotion will be out of my range.

And now, you’re just being ridiculous.

and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it

Well I’m not really sure how society at large “knows about it“ unless you walk around wearing a sign. One thing that “society” lacks in this day and age is decorum. So get some, and don’t talk about your sex life.

After writing them down, I know these thoughts are irrational

Yes. They are. Maybe talking with your priest, or counselor?

I want to find peace, I’m going to need assurance from others.

I think what you’re going to have to do, is come to realize that you cannot live your life concerned about what other people think. You just have to live your life.

 

[QwertyGirl]

How in the world would your boss and co-worker’s know you are a virgin unless you tell them? That would be highly inappropriate, btw.

Your virginity is your business. Manage it in a way that makes you comfortable. If someone loses interest in you because you want to remain a virgin until you are married, then that person has a different value system from you. You aren’t compatible. Move on.

 

[Paul71]

I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

I would say that any woman who would reject you for that reason is a woman that you shouldn’t marry anyway.

My concern there is that I will be unable to find a date who will accept my values and my virginity.

Honestly, I think that that is a challenge for a faithful Catholic seeking a spouse at any age. I’m not so sure that it gets worse with age. And yet it is a challenge that many of us have overcome one way or another, and you can too.

and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it.

Would most of your friends and acquaintances even know about this? And if your friends are joking at your expense, that doesn’t make it right to commit a grave sin just so that they will stop making fun of you. A better idea is to distance yourself from those friends, or just bear their jokes patiently.

After writing them down, I know these thoughts are irrational. No woman worth my time would turn me down because of my religious beliefs.

You are on the right track with what you say here. Keep the faith. I know that the situation you are in is difficult. And if you should fail, God is ready to forgive you. But don’t plan to fail; plan to be faithful.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

My problem comes should I decide to date a woman who lies in the other ninety percent. I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

People are marrying at older ages now too, from what I understand is because of financial concerns. If a long-time partner breaks up with me at the age of, say, 24, I will be thrust into a dating world that is much less accepting of virgins than it would have been whenever I started dating that girl. My concern there is that I will be unable to find a date who will accept my values and my virginity. I feel like they’ll laugh me off, and I won’t be able to get married at all.

You seem to have a lot of fears about things that might or might not happen. You don’t know if the girls you decide to date will “laugh you off” or “be concerned about compatibility in bed”.

How about trusting in God and being true to your values, as well as honest with any girl you get seriously involved with about why you do not want to have sex until marriage.

I would recommend that you try to meet your dating partners through some Catholic channel, such as parish events or Catholic Match, in order to increase the chance of finding women who share your commitment to viriginity. Obviously if you go down to the local bar and start chatting up women, they may have a completely different set of expectations of your behavior than if you are meeting them through a Catholic dating service.

By the way, there are a LOT of young men out there who are virgins in their 20s post-college for one reason or another. It is generally not something they discuss at work or share with their boss or even their co-workers, especially in this day and age when talking about sexual topics at work can lead to a lot of legal trouble. So just don’t tell the people at your work about your choices and don’t discuss sexual topics with them.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[pianistclare]

Ask yourself
What is the feasibility of God overlooking something as important as a Commandment on the last day?

You know it’s wrong, trust your gut, the Church, and your upbringing.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

As long as you both have the standard biological equipment, you are compatable. The rest is about communication, trust and style. The married couple, together, learn what brings pleasure to their spouse and that is compatibility.

 

[1ke]

Perhaps you would find the book Pure Manhood by Jason Evert helpful?

Manliness is not defined by bedroom conquests. Hollywood portrays this, but it is false.

Pure Manhood (Catholic version)

Also books like Be A Man by Fr Larry Richards might be good for you.

Look for Catholic men’s retreats too like E6.

 

[Paul71]

Also books like Be A Man by Fr Larry Richards might be good for you.

I second that recommendation. This is a great book for men in any life situation (married, single, young, old).

 

[Norseman82]

Here’s my problem, if the title didn’t tip you off. Like any good Catholic, I believe that sex is a sacred thing to be shared between husband and wife. Now, I have committed to waiting until marriage, but the rest of society hasn’t. In regards to premarital sex, while I know it is a grave sin, sometimes I feel that in our times it is something one must do in order to get ahead and not fall behind.

I do know that a ten percent of American women — which is definitely a very big chunk of them — have also decided to wait. And I’m not barring myself from dating anyone who isn’t a virgin, that would be silly. My problem comes should I decide to date a woman who lies in the other ninety percent. I fear that if she’s concerned about our compatibility in bed and I’m unwilling to test or disclose, I would lose someone who could be a potential life partner.

People are marrying at older ages now too, from what I understand is because of financial concerns. If a long-time partner breaks up with me at the age of, say, 24, I will be thrust into a dating world that is much less accepting of virgins than it would have been whenever I started dating that girl. My concern there is that I will be unable to find a date who will accept my values and my virginity. I feel like they’ll laugh me off, and I won’t be able to get married at all.

My thoughts about this invade the workplace as well. If my coworkers, and especially my boss, know I’m a virgin, I feel like they will take me less seriously, and because of this a raise or a promotion will be out of my range.

Basically, my concern is that my virginity and its lack of acceptance by general society will stop me from advancing my status at an adequate rate and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it. I won’t be a functioning member of society as much as I am a caricature of a no-fun-allowed bible thumper.

As others have indicated, if a woman will drop you for not engaging in a “test drive”, I would not consider her to be a good life partner. Tim Tebow had a similar problem with a so-called “Catholic” that he was dating - she broke up with him because he would not compromise his values.

I also agree that you should not make your virginity status public. Virgins today have to live “underground” in order to survive.

Since you mention that 10% of the women are also waiting, it is likely that many of them are experiencing some of the same things you are. The trick is to somehow get all the virgins together so they may meet and give each other support and “be there” for each other. That is why I am a proponent of virgins giving “first chance” to other virgins, to reduce the stress on virgins from secular society. Do you have any Catholic young adult groups (specifically faithful groups) that you can seek out Catholic ladies? That would increase the odds of finding someone who will not compromise your values.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Why are you telling your coworkers you’re a virgin? How is it work related? At all?
Do grown ups actually sit around and talk about their virginity or lack of it?
(I’m sorry, I’ve just always worked with groups of people with a wide range of ages, like 20s through 60s and can’t imagine some 65 year old giving a hoot or holler if I ever had sex…)

 

[Reuben_J]

I am very glad to read your post, just to let you know. Less and less people follow the way of the Lord, until it seems to be abnormal to do so, as you rightly noted and experienced in today’s society.

But take courage. We are called to be different, and if we are fools by doing so, then let’s be fools for the Lord, as St. Paul says.

God bless you.

 

[TechieGuy]

Basically, my concern is that my virginity and its lack of acceptance by general society will stop me from advancing my status at an adequate rate and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it.

I don’t say this to be harsh, but rather to put your mind at ease…

Nobody…cares…whether or not you are a virgin…

Because…nobody spends very much time thinking about you…

We all have a story in our head in which we are the main character because that’s how our brains work…and because of this, there is a tendency to imagine that other people spend a lot of time thinking about us…

They don’t…and they aren’t…

 

[Viki63]

I’ve noticed recently that there’s a trope, I guess you could call it, in movies and TV: as soon as the hero kisses the heroine, it’s like a signal: with no further conversation, they immediately head for privacy and begin tearing each other’s clothes off. It’s so predictable it’d be funny – if it weren’t sad.

Maybe that’s where you get your ideas about current society. It’s not all like that, as others have said. And even if it were, we are called to be different. Remember hearing about when Christians used to wander the hillsides near Rome to rescue infants cast out to die? That was counter-cultural too, and people were astonished.

We are called to be different. Enjoy your difference! And don’t talk about your sex life.

 

[AdamP88]

My concern there is that I will be unable to find a date who will accept my values and my virginity

In fairness, it’s probably better to remain single than to marry someone who doesn’t accept/understand your values.

If my coworkers, and especially my boss, know I’m a virgin,

How would they get this information?

Basically, my concern is that my virginity and its lack of acceptance by general society will stop me from advancing my status at an adequate rate and turn me into a private joke amongst everyone who knows about it. I won’t be a functioning member of society as much as I am a caricature of a no-fun-allowed bible thumper.

If you don’t broadcast your virginity around nobody is going to know about it.

Also, nobody really cares. People don’t lie awake at night laughing at steve the 30 year old virgin from accounting. And most people admire someone who has principles and standards, even if they don’t necessarily agree with them.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I was a virgin until I was 26 years old. That’s when I married my husband. Hubby was not a virgin (not Catholic as a teen; also married before, marriage was declared invalid) but he counts it a great honour that he was able to have a virgin bride. He feels that our physical relationship is the best he’s ever had. I count myself extraordinarily lucky to find him because he’s an amazing husband.

 

[Reuben_J]

Also, nobody really cares. People don’t lie awake at night laughing at steve the 30 year old virgin from accounting. And most people admire someone who has principles and standards, even if they don’t necessarily agree with them.

Exactly. Sometimes common sense is the best solution.

 

[KiernanAbell]

At uni (aged around 23) there was this non-religious, cool guy, who happened to still be a virgin. It was spread by gossip. But not in a really nasty way, though he probably would rather the information not be shared. It was just because he hadn’t met the right person yet. Everyone respected that.

And “compatibility in bed” is a myth. Forget about it. If you’re compatible in the rest of your lives, you’ll do just fine in that part of your marriage too.

I’ll admit that when I was younger, I had all the same worries as you. I ended up marrying at 25, after a 6 year courtship. Which felt like FOREVER! If you’re called to marriage, you’ll get there. And you’ll be married for a long time, and your single life will feel quite short, in hindsight. So do single life to the best of your ability, because it’s something you’ll only get to do once.