Concerns about Intimacy

[shannyk]

If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn’t.
Whether you are having sex or not, he is using you. If he’s not ready for marriage, you should not be dating him. Or living with him.

Absolutely.

Have you seen hat movie, “he’s just not that into you”, that’s what is going on here. This man is frankly treating you like a toy not a person.

He is all over the place with first asking you to live with him, which is a sinful situation in itself, then having sex with you, then NOT having sex with you and claiming some allegiance to faith, then, stringing you along by talking about marriage yet simultaneously saying he wont’ be ‘ready’ for years yet. Basically, he’s keeping you around in case his whim changes or someone else comes along.

Girlfriend, this man is treating you like trash. He has some major major major maturing to do before he’s even remotely ready for marriage. If you love him or care at all for him, you will move out and let him do that maturing and getting ‘ready’ that he says he needs to do, unfettered.

I’m sorry that a Catholic ‘man’ is treating you like this.

When someone SHOWS YOU through their actions who they really are, listen to them.

 

[kib]

FWIW, I’m not quite ready to ascribe such pure motives to your boyfriend as others have (i.e.–that he’s wanting to live a life of purity and that’s why your intimacy has dried up.)

If he REALLY wanted to live a good, pure Catholic life, he’d have moved out already. He most certainly would NOT be sleeping in the same bed with you!

Quoted for truth.

I thought the same thing after reading your post, Rebecca. I really doubt he is motivated by an urge to reconcile with God. Does he go to church every weekend? Do you know if he has received the sacrament of reconciliation?

If I were in your shoes, I would get far away from this man. Judging from what you have said about him, he may have emotional/ mental health problems.

I hope you find someone who treats you well, Rebecca. I will pray for you.

 

[Sierrah]

Absolutely.

Basically, he’s keeping you around in case his whim changes or someone else comes along.

Girlfriend, this man is treating you like trash. He has some major major major maturing to do before he’s even remotely ready for marriage. If you love him or care at all for him, you will move out and let him do that maturing and getting ‘ready’ that he says he needs to do, unfettered.

I’m sorry that a Catholic ‘man’ is treating you like this.

When someone SHOWS YOU through their actions who they really are, listen to them.

Yep I agree 100%. Please be wary. I’m an expert in this type of guy. If a guy really wants you he’ll be decisive and won’t play around and give excuses or act standoffish.

 

[CountrySinger]

It may be an old story. The way I understand these situations are that the ‘‘in three years we will get married’’ usually means, that he hopes to find someone to marry in three years, but not you.
If,on, the other hand, he does find someone tomorrow, he will move out, and announce his engement to his future wife. I suppose, you pay half of the rent on your apartment, is that the reason he loves you so much?
**Yes, most Catholic men love their church and faith, they don’t practice it as they should, but, he may be looking for a nice Catholic girl to marry. Catholic boys do take advantage of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. **He hasn’t every asked you to become a Catholic, every asked you to go to Mass with him? I hope he isn’t just taking advantage of your great body.

Bolded part = true. I’ve dated many “Catholic” men who believed that you can do whatever you want, then go to Confession, and then do it again no problem. But they aren’t looking for a nice girl, they are looking for a woman who will rock their world sexually. They will “date” the nice girl, but you can bet they are sleeping with someone on the side. Too bad those can be the same person. I don’t know of one Catholic marriage in my hometown where the husband is faithful.

 

[19rebecca84]

Thank you for all your replies. I think this exercise has certainly shown me how certain assumptions can be made when the context is not known.

Halfway through our living together, we both lost our jobs. He had the oppertunity to move elsewhere, and we would have had to be apart from one another. He turned down job after job and do everything he could to ensure we would stay together.

Our current situation allows us to not be concerned about “rent”, as our employer pays for housing.

He is absolutely 100% not ‘cheating’ as some have suggested. As I mentioned, we work together, live together, have the same friends, and live on an island of 3,000 people. Its basically impossible.

I think someone above may have had a point, however. Perhaps the time frame in which he asked me to move in was to soon, causing the immediate days where he sees me minus makeup, or in sweatpants; my off days. There was never the chance for me to build up any mystique at all. Now I’m not saying our living together is a mistake - but I don’t want to cause this thread to go off in that direction.

Maybe the problem is that he never even had the chance to see me as an object of desire, I immediately became a wife, but he’s having to avoid all thoughts of desire because he knows he doesnt want to get married until he can afford the house and everything that comes with it.

He has brought up the need for our children to have to be raised catholic, and I have attended church with him on the rare Sunday we don’t have to work.

Perhaps what may be necessary is, once we were to get engaged, to move out for a time being in order to create that bit of suspense, that he & I have never had.

 

[The_Bucket]

Anyone who believes what you wrote CountrySinger, isn’t a real Catholic. Period. I’ll freely admit to repeatedly falling into the same sin over the course of my life, mostly thanks to my personality, but it’s not like I believe I can really “go do whatever I want” because of confession. If I believed that, my sins were never absolved because I never was really sorry for them to begin with nor did I firmly resolve to sin no more.

As far as the OP goes, either this guy is seriously having a crisis of faith or he’s playing you. Either way, it’s best that you get out and, at minimum, give him a ton of space. Let him go figure out his morality on his own time and leave it be. As many other posters have said, you’ve found out what happens when you throw yourself at a guy and give away the store. And it’s nothing good.

Even from a totally amoral perspective, that behavior is never going to win you any favors with men. At least not the ones you want. Sure, a guy with no morals with sleep with a woman willing to give it away, but he’s never going to respect or date her. Even totally amoral males want to engage in the thrill of the chase. He chases first, she pulls away and then chases back when he draws back, all of that stuff. Conquest; it’s what a male’s perspective on getting a mate is all about.

Now many males these days have turned that conquest into about one thing; sex. But MEN know that the conquest is about getting a woman to fall in love with them. It’s a tough needle to thread; staying interested while not advertising it too much, showing compassion but remaining tough and being faithful, respectful and chaste while not totally discounting the physical attraction and hunger for eventual intimacy. So when that goal is accomplished, it’s like climbing the steepest mountain! No man, regardless of his morals, will ever take a woman seriously if they don’t give him a tough, but not impossible, obstacle to overcome. In the context of a relationship with the kind of good man you hopefully want, such men will totally avoid women that don’t throw up some barriers.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

Thank you for all your replies. I think this exercise has certainly shown me how certain assumptions can be made when the context is not known.

Halfway through our living together, we both lost our jobs. He had the oppertunity to move elsewhere, and we would have had to be apart from one another. He turned down job after job and do everything he could to ensure we would stay together.

Our current situation allows us to not be concerned about “rent”, as our employer pays for housing.

He is absolutely 100% not ‘cheating’ as some have suggested. As I mentioned, we work together, live together, have the same friends, and live on an island of 3,000 people. Its basically impossible.

I think someone above may have had a point, however. Perhaps the time frame in which he asked me to move in was to soon, causing the immediate days where he sees me minus makeup, or in sweatpants; my off days. There was never the chance for me to build up any mystique at all. Now I’m not saying our living together is a mistake - but I don’t want to cause this thread to go off in that direction.

Maybe the problem is that he never even had the chance to see me as an object of desire, I immediately became a wife, but he’s having to avoid all thoughts of desire because he knows he doesnt want to get married until he can afford the house and everything that comes with it.

He has brought up the need for our children to have to be raised catholic, and I have attended church with him on the rare Sunday we don’t have to work.

Perhaps what may be necessary is, once we were to get engaged, to move out for a time being in order to create that bit of suspense, that he & I have never had.

That loss of desire or lack of mystery is just part of the many problems that come from living (and sleeping together!) before marriage. My husband and I stayed apart (and pure) until marriage and we honestly don’t have ANY problems (at least, not when I am healthy and not feeling overwhelmed with life). We had almost 3 years to build up suspense and for him to see me only at my best.

I’d reccomend trying to move out NOW or at least putting up boundaries and hold off on relations until you ARE married. You say that you two try to go to church…why don’t you take a RCIA or catchism class for adults to do together and both of you can come back to the church more. They can help you also find masses that will fit into your schedule. Most parishes have masses throughout the week and saturday nights. Talk to a priest, live separately, and start preparing for a HOT marriage NOW, rather than trying to LIVE as a married couple when you are not. It’s best for the marriage, its best for you each individually, and maybe the distance and chastity will light a fire under his butt to get a ring on your finger!

 

[cheese_sdc]

Don’t let anyone fool you. Sex is an incredibly important part of marriage, if it’s not working right now, it probably won’t work after marriage. My wife and I were both raised very conservative Catholic, and we refrained from sex before marriage - all the while she was promising that she’d turn into a tigress afterward.

Short answer - it took over 10 years of a miserable sex life before our intimacy even approached normal levels. And we are still not there yet. We came close to divorce numerous times, and it’s only because we’re both stubborn as mules that I didn’t follow through.

I would not recommend it for anyone. Go find someone else who you are more compatible with.

DO NOT marry this person with the idea that you will fix him or change him. That way leads to misery.

 

[iamrefreshed]

I don’t know of one Catholic marriage in my hometown where the husband is faithful.

Somehow I doubt you have that much inside information!

 

[CountrySinger]

Somehow I doubt you have that much inside information!

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them (she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were, and was surprised how easy it was to sleep with them). Made me a little distrustful of men in general. If they aren’t sleeping around, they go to strip clubs or look at porn.

 

[that_name]

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them (she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were, and was surprised how easy it was to sleep with them). Made me a little distrustful of men in general. If they aren’t sleeping around, they go to strip clubs or look at porn.

Did it ever cross your mind that your friend lied to impress you?

I know hundreds of Catholic men who do not cheat, do not go to strip clubs and do not look at porn.

Really, your attitude is just dismal.

 

[NoAvailableName]

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them

Maybe your friend was lying.

(she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were).

Yes, she (or you) was definitely lying.

Made me a little distrustful of men in general. If they aren’t sleeping around, they go to strip clubs or look at porn.

Well I can’t say I’ve never seen porn, but I don’t sleep around or go to strip clubs. You consistently bash men’s morals, while you have led anything but a moral life yourself.

Haha, two negative posts for me today. Maybe I should resist the urge to write something when I’m incredibly tired and maybe a little sick.

But since I’m already being negative… based on your posts I don’t see why a good moral Catholic (or Protestant) would be that interested in you. You are way too negative towards men in general, are rather hypocritical, and are ready to abandon your principles if you can’t find a man. I honesty have a hard time seeing how you will end up in a successful marriage unless you make drastic changes in your life. Sure, you can start sleeping around again and in all likelihood wind up in a lousy marriage if that is what you really want.

Sorry for being harsh, but I suspect many others here feel the same way about you. I’m 30, and managed to live a moral life before finding my soon to be fiance (we are looking at rings this month) She is Catholic, which led me to these forums.

On a bit of a more positive note, you might want to look to role models like LilyElain. While she has flaws (from Pittsburgh, likes sweet wines), she seems to be living and enjoying her single Catholic lifestyle and can probably end up in a very happy marriage some day. I just don’t see you being that happy, married or not, with your current outlook on life.

 

[CountrySinger]

Did it ever cross your mind that your friend lied to impress you?

I know hundreds of Catholic men who do not cheat, do not go to strip clubs and do not look at porn.

Really, your attitude is just dismal.

I’m glad you know plenty of decent Catholic men, but I haven’t met any. She could have lied, but we’ve known each other for years, so she would have no reason to lie.
I prefer to think my attitude as realistic. It will change when I meet good men. I try to remain hopeful, but until then I stay cautious. I’ve been hurt too many times.

 

[CountrySinger]

But since I’m already being negative… based on your posts I don’t see why a good moral Catholic (or Protestant) would be that interested in you. You are way too negative towards men in general, are rather hypocritical, and are ready to abandon your principles if you can’t find a man. I honesty have a hard time seeing how you will end up in a successful marriage unless you make drastic changes in your life. Sure, you can start sleeping around again and in all likelihood wind up in a lousy marriage if that is what you really want.

Sorry for being harsh, but I suspect many others here feel the same way about you. I’m 30, and managed to live a moral life before finding my soon to be fiance (we are looking at rings this month) She is Catholic, which led me to these forums.

On a bit of a more positive note, you might want to look to role models like LilyElain. While she has flaws (from Pittsburgh, likes sweet wines), she seems to be living and enjoying her single Catholic lifestyle and can probably end up in a very happy marriage some day. I just don’t see you being that happy, married or not, with your current outlook on life.

Before I take this too far off track, thank for your honesty. And congratualtions on your soon-to-be engagement. You are right, I am too far gone to be any good. That’s why I am leaving the Catholic Church. I don’t want to hurt something that other people love so much. I wish I could be positive, but I am not positive person (I was born sarcastic, bitter and cynical).
I will still be on here, but not post much. Have a good day.

Now back to the thread at hand.

 

[BrokenFortress]

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them (she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were, and was surprised how easy it was to sleep with them). Made me a little distrustful of men in general. If they aren’t sleeping around, they go to strip clubs or look at porn.

And how is that Christian? Why would you even try to seduce married men? Even if only to prove a point?

To the OP - I agree with the others that moving out would be in order. It would give you some space to think, and for your boyfriend to get his faith and life in order.

I can’t give you advice on his lack of desire. I have not had pre-marital sex, nor will I. I’m engaged, and I can tell you that both my fiance and I have had strong feelings for each other since the beginning. I’m not going to lie, I would like to do things with him, it’s just the way it is. But being Catholic I’m called to live a chaste life until marriage and I will do so. It’s what I know is right. Perhaps he does not want to do anything with you because he doesn’t want to be tempted. Or perhaps he really isn’t all that into you anymore since he’s seen what he’s done wrong with you. I don’t know. I think you should probably talk to him about it.

 

[iamrefreshed]

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them (she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were, and was surprised how easy it was to sleep with them). Made me a little distrustful of men in general. If they aren’t sleeping around, they go to strip clubs or look at porn.

Sure she did.

Did you ever consider finding better friends?

 

[Magdalena09]

My friend tried to suduce all the married men in our old church, and she succeeded with all of them (she wanted to see how good their marriages truly were, and was surprised how easy it was to sleep with them).

I find that incredibly hard to believe…

 

[runner93]

Anyone who believes what you wrote CountrySinger, isn’t a real Catholic. Period. I’ll freely admit to repeatedly falling into the same sin over the course of my life, mostly thanks to my personality, but it’s not like I believe I can really “go do whatever I want” because of confession. If I believed that, my sins were never absolved because I never was really sorry for them to begin with nor did I firmly resolve to sin no more.

As far as the OP goes, either this guy is seriously having a crisis of faith or he’s playing you. Either way, it’s best that you get out and, at minimum, give him a ton of space. Let him go figure out his morality on his own time and leave it be. As many other posters have said, you’ve found out what happens when you throw yourself at a guy and give away the store. And it’s nothing good.

Even from a totally amoral perspective, that behavior is never going to win you any favors with men. At least not the ones you want. Sure, a guy with no morals with sleep with a woman willing to give it away, but he’s never going to respect or date her. Even totally amoral males want to engage in the thrill of the chase. He chases first, she pulls away and then chases back when he draws back, all of that stuff. Conquest; it’s what a male’s perspective on getting a mate is all about.

Now many males these days have turned that conquest into about one thing; sex. But MEN know that the conquest is about getting a woman to fall in love with them. It’s a tough needle to thread; staying interested while not advertising it too much, showing compassion but remaining tough and being faithful, respectful and chaste while not totally discounting the physical attraction and hunger for eventual intimacy. So when that goal is accomplished, it’s like climbing the steepest mountain! No man, regardless of his morals, will ever take a woman seriously if they don’t give him a tough, but not impossible, obstacle to overcome. In the context of a relationship with the kind of good man you hopefully want, such men will totally avoid women that don’t throw up some barriers.

So true. So many women assume nowadays that all men are evil and bad. The thing is: not all of us are. I prefer a woman who is confident with herself and her mental well being so she is not completely concerned with looks and pleasing others. I know this sounds weird coming from a 16 year old in a secular society, but for some of young men who were raised right with morals and judgment, we don’t need sex to satisfy our bodies. I personally want a woman who can see me for just myself and one who doesn’t want to change me.

 

[CountrySinger]

Sure she did.

Did you ever consider finding better friends?

I think moving 200 miles away could be considered trying to find other friends.

 

[Howdy56]

So true. So many women assume nowadays that all men are evil and bad. The thing is: not all of us are. I prefer a woman who is confident with herself and her mental well being so she is not completely concerned with looks and pleasing others. I know this sounds weird coming from a 16 year old in a secular society, but for some of young men who were raised right with morals and judgment, we don’t need sex to satisfy our bodies. I personally want a woman who can see me for just myself and one who doesn’t want to change me.

I’m a 25 year old man, and I admit that I am a dog. But I’m trying to train myself. It’s awesome that you are so mature. But I do need sex to be happy, so maybe I won’t become Catholic yet. I want to go to Heaven, but not yet.- a line from a song.