Concupiscence: our will to sin

[Neithan]

I’ll say this right up front: ‘My name is Neithan, and I have a pornography addiction.’ It is an infrequent one, but quite debilitating, humiliating, and a low-down-right dirty shame. It is a hell-damnable misdeed, an abominable offence to my Creator and Almighty God.

I know it is evil. I hate it. Believe me. But every so often (about once a month), I am seized by a suffocating urge to indulge this addiction–so strong that it strangles all my will toward God and shoves me blindly into the septic tank of sin, wherein I wallow for a few days before gathering the courage to confess and walk once again in the light of Grace. It is a radical confrontation with the power of concupiscence–spiked by diabolism–and has often led me to abysmally dark depths of despair. I’m talking tears here: man-tears. Not pretty.

I ask God: why? The purpose of my existence is to unite my will to His, and for this purpose He has given us Christ in the Sacraments, through Whom we have the Holy Spirit–Grace. Why is this grace not sufficient to keep me from offending Him? Free will. That poisoned ‘gift’ of His, nicely screwed up by an inherently weak tendency to abuse it; concupiscence.

I pray, every night and day: “God…give me your will. Unite mine so firmly to yours that I will never offend you. I want what you want; nothing more, nothing less. Show me your Will and the grace to fully will it!” Since being confirmed as a Catholic last August I have attended Mass several times each week, gone to Confession roughly once a week and developed a firm devotion to Jesus through Mary; all solely for the purpose of willing God’s will, and honestly said the motivation to destroy lust is a major force.
Alas, all this does not suffice. I still will to sin. Despite the morning/nightly prayers, study of Scripture, private devotions, Penance, eucharistic adoration, and the Holy Eucharist itself… I still will to offend God! In a sense… I still occasionally will to go to hell.

I just dont understand why concupiscence is so powerful that Grace is not enough to overcome it. Or rather… why God wills that we endure such a powerful tendency to offend Him!
This is demonstrated by the Sacraments. Their *ex opere operato *effect does not destroy concupiscence–most strikingly shown by Baptism. This gateway to God’s grace for some odd reason–though it eliminates our original guilt–keeps our will to sin intact. Concupiscence remains after Baptism.

If concupiscence remains after Baptism, this must be the will of God. It must be somehow good. I just don’t understand why. In my own experience, the essential effect of concupiscence–the turning of my will away from God–is instantaneous. The tidal wave of temptation continually rushes against us, but as long as we will not to sin, God’s grace is sufficient for us to withstand it. There is a vast resource of ascetical practices to which a faithful Catholic can turn to in times of stress. The problem comes when his will switches: when he fundamentally no longer wills to fight the temptation. When this occurs, personally, no amount of prayer or mortification will pull me away from the drive to sin–because I don’t truly want it to. I no longer will God, and the end result–indulging in pornography for example–is just inevitable because of my firmly attached will for it. Only after my fall from grace, oddly, does my will rebound back toward God. Only when the concupiscence is temporarily appeased and the demons relent in gloating triumph do I see again clearly and repent.

My tendency to ramble is getting the better of this post so I will end with two simple questions:

Why concupiscence? Why don’t the Sacraments eliminate it. I fail to see (in my minutely limited perception) how it can be good. It actually damages free will, since it clouds our reason. It must be possible for God’s grace to remove this remnant of Original Sin, so why doesn’t He? Shouldn’t the world’s constant temptations, demonic influence and our own free will to accept or reject Him be enough? Why this inherent gravity to sin? Any theological insight welcome.

How to fight it? I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues of building a solid wall of Grace against this beast of concupiscence, against that worm of bad will which so suddenly, and repeatedly alters my entire existence in turning me away from salvation. I really wonder sometimes if Calvin was onto something; maybe predestination is God’s will and I am simply a reprobate.

 

[BlindSheep]

If you really cannot control it, your culpability is diminished.
Do you think that there may be some near occasion of sin which you could avoid, so as not to fall into this temptation? Is there something that precedes these episodes, some activity you participate in or place you go that results in temptation? If so, “if your hand causes you to sin…” you know.

 

[Neithan]

Yeah, the internet is my near occasion of sin.
The problem is that I’m a student and I need to work with it. I had a filter installed and unfortunately the company (www.contentwatch.com) updated the software and it totally screws up my computer now (I had to reformat everything), so I’ll have to buy another one. The problem is: even when the filter was installed my will to look at pornography on the internet still steamrolled right into mortal sin. I fully willed it, even if I wasn’t actually capable in that moment of doing it. That’s still mortal sin.
This question about concupiscence occured to me just now and I am definitely going to bring this up in the confessional.

Sidenote: I started looking at porn on the internet when I was only 12 years old (I kept it completely hidden from my parents, and I was computer savvy enough to delete all the evidence) and the habit took pretty deep root throughout my teen years. Now I’m 21 and the vice has got me in its cold, hard grip. Actually, to be honest, one of the motivations for me to convert to the Catholic Church (from lukewarm Lutheranism) was because of the moral truth I found when studying her teachings and the hope offered to me in the sacraments. It’s really discouraging to know that this ‘concupiscence’ just won’t go away. Since becoming Catholic I’ve been really open about this with everyone I know. My parents were pretty devastated to realise they were ‘enablers’ in this addiction as we had unprotected internet in the house… but they can’t be at fault, they had no idea. All my friends look at pornography regularly like its no big deal (even the Catholic ones) so that certainly doesn’t help much. I pray for them though, because I know it doesn’t make em happy. Lust is a leech: and it sucks the life right out of us. St. Thomas Aquinas said that it leads to despair. Too true.

Parents: protect your kids!!! An internet filter is an absolute necessity.

 

[Ahimsa]

One theory is that concupiscence (or lust) is a by-product of the emotion of fear, at some conscious or unconscious level. According to this theory, after indulging in pornography, you apparently feel better and able to reason more clearly – but that’s only because the fear has less energy to feed on. The fear would still be there; thus, after some time, when one regains one’s energy, the fear can feed on that energy, and the process repeats itself. Indulging in pornography, then, would be a way to deal superficially with that fear, a way that doesn’t, though, address the core fear.

And the fear wouldn’t need be anything explicit; it could be a very subtle thing, hard to notice.

(Also, “fear” could be replaced by any other negative emotion; any negative emotion can be apparently relieved via indulgence.)

 

[CatholicSam]

Neithan, you are doing yourself a wonderful service by going to Confession and Mass as often as you do. Every time you go, you are given a little more grace to withstand the temptation next time around. Even if you do not see any improvement, continue to stay close to Jesus in the Sacraments.

Here’s an idea, although I’m not sure it would be practical in your situation: get slow, dial-up internet that takes pictures a loooong time to show up on the screen. Since you have school work to do on the internet, this may not be an option, but if it keeps you pure for longer, it might be worth a try.

 

[Neithan]

Ahimsa:

One theory is that concupiscence (or lust) is a by-product of the emotion of fear, at some conscious or unconscious level …]

Sheesh… sounds like I need some serious psychoanalysis! A hidden fear? I have no idea. What do you mean by ‘negative emotion,’ by the way?
What initially led me to porn–and in much the same sense still does–is raw curiosity, which then won’t go away and becomes so consuming that my will is hopelessly drawn to it. Of course, I know exactly what to expect, but the ‘curiosity’ always comes back. It’s a gravity to evil. Nothing else can satiate this and all I can do is run away from it–but only as long as I will to. Unfortunately, concupiscence weakens my will until it suddenly snaps.
No doubt this habit has become somehow ‘programmed’ physically into my brain chemistry. I read an article on porn by a doctor who mentioned that it is an addiction in which ‘detox,’ the standard first stage in overcoming any addiction, is impossible. The images are burned into the memory and will never be fully extracted… this leads to greater temptation… and the cycle of lust continues.

CatholicSam:

Here’s an idea, although I’m not sure it would be practical in your situation: get slow, dial-up internet that takes pictures a loooong time to show up on the screen. Since you have school work to do on the internet, this may not be an option, but if it keeps you pure for longer, it might be worth a try.

Thanks for the advice Sam, it’s an interesting idea. Where I live at the moment however the internet is included in the rent and there is only one network to hook up to it (broadband).
But even so the underlying *will *to sin is the main problem–if technical reasons are the only thing between me and actually comitting a mortal sin I am still guilty of it.

 

[Madia]

I pray, every night and day: “God…give me your will. Unite mine so firmly to yours that I will never offend you. I want what you want; nothing more, nothing less. Show me your Will and the grace to fully will it!”

It sounds like you’ve read St. Alphonsus’s “Uniformity with God’s Will”. If not, I recommend it:
catholic-forum.com/saints/sta09004.htm

The problem is: even when the filter was installed my will to look at pornography on the internet still steamrolled right into mortal sin. I fully willed it, even if I wasn’t actually capable in that moment of doing it.

Did you consent to the temptation? Was the filter the only thing stopping you from viewing pornography or did it instead preserve you from an occasion of sin (easy access to pornography)? Don’t confuse temptations(I’m tempted to view pornography) with consent (I would view pornography if possible).

Also, I hope that you are making worthy confessions (confessing all mortal sins by kind/number) and not covering up viewing pornography as something like “impure thoughts”. If you haven’t made worthy confessions that is the place to start. If not here’s some adivce:

1. Start a devotion to Mary, namely the three Hail Mary’s in the morning and evening to preserve you from mortal sin during the day/night:
   catholic-church.org/grace/marian/3-hail-marys.htm
2. Pray the Rosary every day. Eventually, you’re going to either give up the daily Rosary or viewing pornography.
3. If you live with others move the computer (if possible) into an open area.
4. Tape a picture of our Blessed Mother to the top right of your computer. Do you honestly think you can view pornography on your computer while at the same time looking at a picture of our Blessed Mother?
5. Don’t lose hope.

 

[Neithan]

Madia:

It sounds like you’ve read St. Alphonsus’s “Uniformity with God’s Will”. If not, I recommend it:
catholic-forum.com/saints/sta09004.htm

I haven’t read it but I certainly will now, thank you!

• Don’t confuse temptations(I’m tempted to view pornography) with consent (I would view pornography if possible).*

The latter. Even with a filter there were times when I fully willed to sin (not just tempted) and this is mortal.

About confessions: I always do make the best ones I can. Full kind and number of course, I don’t want to cheat myself! What I don’t have is a steady Confessor… and that is probably a good idea. I’m living out of the country at the moment, visit several different parishes and confess to different priests. Thing is though, that I fall into this sin about once a month, so it’s only been brought up 4 times in the confessional (it actually used to be a weekly problem before I was confirmed so I know that Grace is giving me some progress) and each time the priest just says something to the effect “well, just keep fighting it, keep struggling.” I want to eliminate it entirely; total KO, not a battle of attrition, ya know?
I suppose patience and persistence is all one can hope for in such times. I just wonder what it takes to gain the Grace to just think clearly when temptation hits. If it wasn’t for concupiscence weighing down my will and clouding my mind I think I would never fall into mortal sin; weekly, monthly, yearly, never. I mean… God can give me this grace… so it must be his will that I continue to fall, right? But how could it be his will that we mortally sin

 

[Hitetlen]

Neithan:

I’ll say this right up front: 'My name is Neithan, and I have a pornography addiction.

Oh, buddy. What do you call pornography? If you mean sexually explicit material, that is not necessarily porn. Violence, degrading, humiliating acts are porn, and you can mostly see them on the nightly news.

Sad, but true commentary: “In America sex is an obsession. Everywhere else it is a simple fact of life”.

 

[BlindSheep]

Neithan:

Thanks for the advice Sam, it’s an interesting idea. Where I live at the moment however the internet is included in the rent and there is only one network to hook up to it (broadband).
But even so the underlying *will *to sin is the main problem–if technical reasons are the only thing between me and actually comitting a mortal sin I am still guilty of it.

Nope, I don’t think so; not if the technical reasons were deliberately created by you! Then your will is to not sin. Willing not to sin doesn’t mean placing oneself in temptation to test your willpower; it means choosing to avoid temptation. If youcan do something to prevent yourself from sinful actions and you *don’t, *it’s my understanding that this itself is a sin.
And why do we call it the grace of God when something prevents us from sinning until we have a chance to think the better of it? Deliberately placing an obstacle between yourself and sin *is *rejecting sin. It is also humility. I think it may be pride that sometimes causes us to try to “prove how strong we are” by failing to avoid the near occasion of sin.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

A good prayer habit when faced with a temptation is to offer up that temptation (rather, the suffering of it) for the conversion of sinners. Then, the devil is foiled by his own tricks. The friend who taught me this prayer attributed it to the Cure of Ars.

Temptations–even strong ones. Don’t forget to ask your guardian angel for help. I know that you are frustrated and ashamed, but God is so very pleased with your perseverance.

Also, I’ve read that the neural pathways that pornography stimulates are very strong. So, your guilt is definitely diminished.
God Bless You.