Confessing to a Lie

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Ukelala91

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Alright, this is a difficult one. If you’ve followed my previous threads, you’ll know that my fiance and I are engaged without the support my immediate family–so much so that my parents aren’t speaking to me. It’s heartbreaking and awful. Two of my younger sisters are starting to come around, but even so, it’s delicate and awkward. One of my sisters, who is 17, wants nothing to do with me. This has been really hard on my fiance. Despite our support system in my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), my friends, and his family, I know he feels disappointed. He’s a good man, and their disapproval is based on their need to control me and emotional abuse.

What he doesn’t know is that my 9-year-old sister told me the night before the proposal that he was going to propose. She was put up to it by my parents after he asked my Dad’s blessing (which he didn’t get). One thing he always has spoken about is his desire to keep the proposal a total surprise–I’m a VERY curious person, so he felt daunted by that. He also HATES lying (he has OCD, and I suspect a touch of OCPD, in that he gets very scrupulous, very obsessive about rule-following). But after she ruined the surprise, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. For one, I know they were trying to sabotage the proposal, and I know he would have postponed it if he knew I knew. Secondly, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him with that betrayal. Faking being totally surprised as he proposed broke my heart, but in that moment, I couldn’t bear to ruin it for him. I wanted him to have that special moment.

To make matters worse, I’ve had to tell equivocations. He said to me after the proposal “I thought your sister called you to tell you about the proposal,” and I only gave him a partial answer, sidestepping his implicit question and effectively lying. Friends have asked me if I knew about the proposal, in front of my fiance, and I’ve had to say no (in a way that’s true–I didn’t know when we went away together that was his plan).

It’s eating me inside. I want to tell him the truth, but I’m afraid of the effect. Like I said, he is OBSESSIVELY honest. I am terrified that if I told him such a huge lie, he’d leave me. Is that cowardly of me? I wonder if there is a circumstance in which this could be kept secret-- a case in which NOT telling is moral. On the other hand, I don’t want him to find out from someone else. BUt I also feel it would wound him to know the extent to which my family tried to stop our engagement. I don’t know how to approach this without losing him. Is there a way?
 
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Agree. This is far above the pay grade of Forum Member X.
 
If you think he would leave you over a white lie, then why in the world would you want to marry him? Just talk to him about it. If your relationship can’t survive this, then y’all aren’t ready for marriage.
 
It’s not so much over the extent of the lie, but what it represents–that was his proposal! It’s a big deal. Additionally, I want to be sensitive to his condition (OCD) which I know complicates things. He is very sensitive to lying, which is no fault of his own.
 
You are dealing with a clinical condition, not a personality quirk.

If he did not have a clinical diagnoses, my response would be that you are both grown ups and to get upset that a proposal was not a “Lifetime TV Movie” perfect surprise is childish.

HOWEVER, you say he has a diagnosed disability that makes this something you should discuss with a professional. This is not the last disappointment he will have in life, and you need to have to tools to deal appropriately with disappointment during your marriage if it is going to work.
 
How long have you kept the lie going? My boyfriend has ocd too. I think you should wait until he is not stressed out or obsessing over anything and tell him then so it won’t set him off too much. Just say you are on his side and upset that it wasn’t a surprise like he wanted because of your parents but that you loved it anyway and it was amazing etc etc. Just say you know how hard it is for him to deal with lies and you didnt want to upset him which is why you didn’t say anything immediately. Just be gentle and I’m sure he won’t leave you over this - it isn’t your fault that someone told you.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
f you think he would leave you over a white lie, then why in the world would you want to marry him? Just talk to him about it. If your relationship can’t survive this, then y’all aren’t ready for marriage
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This! Dealing with OCD is one thing, and I agree on the need to see a professional, but at least, the question is “is he able to control this problem before it harms the marriage”, no matter why he feels like that.
It´s a proposal, a short moment next to the thought of a life long marriage.
 
Ok looking back at your other post, you have anxiety and he has OCD. Perhaps your anxiety is driving you to catrophize his reaction in your head. Maybe not. We here do not know either of you.

But given that you both have issues for which a therapist is needed, I double down on my advice to run this through a professional and perhaps meet together with one.
 
My only concern is that out of spite, someone in your family might take great pleasure in announcing it to him.

However, you said you didn’t actually know when he would propose, so yes, you knew he would, but you did not know when. So, is it a lie or not? It’s not like you two hadn’t spoken to each other at some point and discussed marriage, right?
 
I can’t help but think that if you are keeping a secret because you think he will walk away from the marriage, that years later would be grounds for an annulment. Married life brings a lot of challenges that must be dealt with . Telling him would be good practice at learning to work through things together. And if your engagement can’t stand this it is wise not to marry

The saddest part of all of this is it sounds like a teenage ‘don’y tell anyone I told you this but…’
 
A joyful update. I finally found an ideal moment— he was relaxing this evening after an accomplished day. I told him what happened, and he took it really well. He was sad I didn’t tell him sooner but really happy I was “brave” enough to admit what happened. He’s hurt with my family but has already accepted they’re acting wrongly right now. I’m really proud
 
Joyful indeed! Remember this moment whenever you have something difficult to discuss with him!
 
I’m so glad that it worked out so well! I was frightened that a family member would tell him, at a particularly chosen, very bad moment.

Given all this, the two of you both seem extremely sensitive-him, most likely from the OCD, you from a lifetime under your parents’ roof. I’m sure you’ll do much better out of their control.

If anyone thinks that I’m being harsh-well, I tend to be no nonsense, get-to the-point, about such things plus I made the point of reading the OP’s other threads on this subject. Please accept my congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
 
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