Confession and spouse

[BabyDoll4]

How can I encourage my husband to go to confession? In a nut shell he says that he won’t go because it wouldn’t be an honest confession because he can’t fulfill the statement to “amend *his *life”. He says it is because he doesn’t have the drive and motivation to change.

We’ve discussed it a couple of times and I just don’t understand.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Wouldn’t it be disingenuous for him to go to confession if he doesn’t intend to even try to quit sinning? That wouldn’t be a valid confession.

Before you try to get him in to the booth you should probably find out what areas of his life he is unwilling to change and why, and then go from there.

 

[PJM]

=BabyDoll4;10069167]How can I encourage my husband to go to confession? In a nut shell he says that he won’t go because it wouldn’t be an honest confession because he can’t fulfill the statement to “amend *his *life”. He says it is because he doesn’t have the drive and motivation to change.

We’ve discussed it a couple of times and I just don’t understand.

May I ask a serious question here. Does he not believe in God? Or the Four Last things?
Death
Judgment [particular]
Hell
Heaven [perhaps through Purgatory]

FAITH can only be given by God Himself.

Our task is to:
Know our faith weel enough to live it; explain it and defend it when necessary. But it is a Teaching of our church never to force anyone to “be saved.”

You’re Good and public example and LOTS of prayers are the best route.

Don’t risk loosing your soul [or your kids], because of his attitude. Stay close to God and He will, remain close to you.

Saint Martha prayerd for 30+ years before Agustine converted and became a Saint too, so don’t give up.

 

[silicasandra]

How can I encourage my husband to go to confession? In a nut shell he says that he won’t go because it wouldn’t be an honest confession because he can’t fulfill the statement to “amend *his *life”. He says it is because he doesn’t have the drive and motivation to change.

We’ve discussed it a couple of times and I just don’t understand.

My husband tends to be reluctant about confession too. Before our son was born, neither of us went very often, but after our son was born I became much more interested in practicing the faith. I find he is much more open to going if I am willing to go with him - then it feels less like I’m sending him to time-out, or that I’m saying to him that I am better than him - “Well, you need to go to confession but I am going to stay right here because I don’t** need** to go!” We all need to go! Even if I went by myself a few days ago, I will have a few (at least) new things when I go with him!

We have had arguments about whether or not things are “really” sins or how sinful they are (usually missing Mass.) He is at a place now where he will accept that they are the teachings of the Church and he has to abide by them even if he doesn’t like it, so he does confess them (at least I think so, I don’t know what he says in there. )

It is strange to me that your husband would say that he doesn’t have “the drive or motivation to change.” So he acknowledges that there are things he should change? Did he come up with these himself? Do you have a sense of what these are? Why doesn’t he have the motivation to change? Does he realize the consequences of persisting in sin as far as damage to his soul? I am not saying lecture him, but it would be interesting to know the answers to these questions. If these are real concerns of his, I would honestly suggest counseling, either for depression (people should have goals for self-improvement) or spiritual direction from an orthodox priest who can explain to him more fully what confession is for and the graces it gives.

There is the possibility too that these are excuses designed to “look good” but don’t make him do anything, in which case he probably really doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him or what he’s doing. Not that he has a specific issue or problem, but we all sin and have a lot of progress we can make. Depending on our points of comparison, though, that can be easy to miss.

 

[MaryT777]

Well, I thought about this and at least your husband respects the Sacrament enough
NOT TO GO when he has no firm intent to reform his life instead of confessing anyway thus invalidating the confession.

I will pray that God moves his heart to feel the need to change or try to and thus be able to participate again in the Sacrament.

Peace,
Mary.

 

[Windmill]

Heck of an example for his kids, eh? I mean, does he want to subtly teach your kids that they should not try to get right with God? Does he expect them to “do as I say but not as I do”? Does he want them to always run away from their problems in life rather than face them and overcome them?

The problem here is that he thinks he lives on his own little island where his actions only affect himself. He would like to think that your example of reconciliation will be enough to offset his personal spiritual neglect. WRONG. Study after study shows that a father, more so than the mother, sets the spiritual tone for the family. In households where the mother goes to Church with the kids and the dad stays home, kids tend to lose the faith. I would say the same thing holds for the other sacraments.

You need to sit down with your husband and ask him where he wants to lead your family: to Heaven or Hell. What does he want for his kids, and if he is willing to change for the sake of their eternal souls? It’s that serious, and only the heroic Catholic family will survive.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten off my soapbox and had my vent (as a Catholic dad of 4 boys who is trying to live the sacramental life himself), you might try a more subtler way, with the above information kept in the back of your mind.

Why not try and get him interested in the faith in other ways. Give him a Scott Hahn bible study CD series from St. Joseph’s communications. He can listen to it in his car on the drive to work and learn about his faith. I find that the more a person delves into non-threatening aspects of the faith, the more ardent a defender they become. This then opens them up to other aspects of the faith that they may have shied away from before, because they realize that they are defending a belief system that has to be taken either whole or not at all.

Sorry if I’m a little upset, but these things are taken way too lightly by the average American male.

 

[bitznbitez]

How can I encourage my husband to go to confession? In a nut shell he says that he won’t go because it wouldn’t be an honest confession because he can’t fulfill the statement to “amend *his *life”. He says it is because he doesn’t have the drive and motivation to change.

We’ve discussed it a couple of times and I just don’t understand.

Pray. Prayer is more effective than anything else you can do.

 

[Veronica97]

Pray. Prayer is more effective than anything else you can do.

I agree with this. You may want to consider buying a green scapular and having it blessed by a priest. Then you can put it somewhere near your husband–perhaps under his mattress. Then you pray everyday, “Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death. Amen.” You pray it once for yourself and once for your husband. The green scapular is a the scapular of conversion. It’s is not a “magic charm”. It’s all about your commitment to pray to the Immaculate Heart of Mary everyday and to trust in her intercession.

 

[BabyDoll4]

It is strange to me that your husband would say that he doesn’t have “the drive or motivation to change.” So he acknowledges that there are things he should change? Did he come up with these himself? Do you have a sense of what these are? Why doesn’t he have the motivation to change? Does he realize the consequences of persisting in sin as far as damage to his soul? I am not saying lecture him, but it would be interesting to know the answers to these questions. If these are real concerns of his, I would honestly suggest counseling, either for depression (people should have goals for self-improvement) or spiritual direction from an orthodox priest who can explain to him more fully what confession is for and the graces it gives.

Yes, he completely knows what he does is wrong and even committing grave sins, but does not want to confess them because he doesn’t want to make the commitment to change. I told him I was very scared for his soul, and while he thanked me it was said in a “aw that’s sweet” way rather than, “I sincerely thank you for your concern”.

Well, I thought about this and at least your husband respects the Sacrament enough
NOT TO GO when he has no firm intent to reform his life instead of confessing anyway thus invalidating the confession.

Yes I totally agree. I just don’t understand WHY he won’t go when he KNOWS he is doing grave sins. It’s like he doesn’t believe in the “power” of confession?

Heck of an example for his kids, eh? I mean, does he want to subtly teach your kids that they should not try to get right with God? Does he expect them to “do as I say but not as I do”? Does he want them to always run away from their problems in life rather than face them and overcome them?

The problem here is that he thinks he lives on his own little island where his actions only affect himself. He would like to think that your example of reconciliation will be enough to offset his personal spiritual neglect. WRONG. Study after study shows that a father, more so than the mother, sets the spiritual tone for the family. In households where the mother goes to Church with the kids and the dad stays home, kids tend to lose the faith. I would say the same thing holds for the other sacraments.

You need to sit down with your husband and ask him where he wants to lead your family: to Heaven or Hell. What does he want for his kids, and if he is willing to change for the sake of their eternal souls? It’s that serious, and only the heroic Catholic family will survive.

YES, YES, YES!!! This is exactly how I feel. We are very new converts to the Catholic faith and it happened very fast. He talks the talk very well, but walking, well that is a whole different story. I’m always praying for him. I offer the mass for him. I guess I’m just trying to find that “ah ha!” moment for him for his sake and for the sake of the family.