Confession brush-off and hurt

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ReneeLee

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I have been in a lot of emotional distress lately and it has been interfering with my prayer life. I have given it a lot of thought and realized that the distress is due to a root sin of vanity. I had never even considered the possibility of my being vain as I am not pretty or materialistic, but as I read about the various manifestations of vanity outside of looks I realized I am very vain and that my vanity colors all my relationships with people and God. I confessed my vanity and was brushed off. When I insisted that I was vain my confessor said I was not capable of vanity, that it is a sin of attractive people. Sigh.

My vanity manifests itself in obsessing about whether or not I am good enough or pretty enough or worthy enough in the eyes of other people (and being despondent when I am not!) and my priests tells me I’m not pretty enough to be capable of my sin. Got one Hail Mary and a suggestion that I go get a new haircut. Sigh. I went in feeling sad and worthless and unpopular and left feeling lower and uglier than ever. I feel shamed.

Am I wrong about vanity? Is it just a sin for the beautiful?
Is my confession of vanity still valid and absolved even if the priest doesn’t take it seriously?
Do I really have to get a new haircut? (I did actually because I was going to anyways but I really wonder!)
Does my being crushed at a priest finding me too unattractive to be capable of vanity make me guilty of vanity again?
 
I’m incredulous and speechless! Your priest told you that you weren’t PRETTY enough for the sin of vanity?!?!? :mad: And to get a haircut?!?!:eek: I don’t know whether I would have laughed or cried- probably a little of both. I, too, worry about whether I’m acting OK, looking OK, etc. and also always find myself lacking. I’ve usually chalked it up to low self-esteem but really like your idea of it being the sin of vanity instead. This gives me something to pray about and address. I think you were very insightful and am saddened that the priest didn’t take you seriously. I’m sure that the confession counted as God knows your heart. And, in the future, I would NEVER darken the confessional if this priest was inside. Hopefully you can find a more compassionate and kinder priest to hear your confessions in the future.
 
I did cry. A lot.

The priest is a good man and normally gives good advice. I think he was in shock at me confessing vanity and it sort of slipped out. Technically he told me that “you are not capable of vanity, it is a sin of attractive people”. Its just that as a woman I hear it as “wow, you? only pretty girls have that problem”

Previously his advice has been so good that I was going to ask him to be my spiritual director. I have a lot of respect for him and he is certainly a devoted man. He has told me before that I am not capable of such and such sin. I think he is wrong but sure am glad he thinks I am so holy (vanity again!)
 
Oh, maybe he was kidding. My priest has a (you should pardon the expression) “wicked” sense of humor.
Today I mentioned that there were no blonds on staff or in the Spanish choir, and he replied,
“OH TRUST ME…there are ALOT of blonds around here…especially at this table!”

I didn’t get it at first…but then I realized he was making fun of me…and the other ladies on staff…and thank goodness the one true blond was off today! LOL

He might have been kidding…dry humor.
I would encourage you to let it go.
God bless you. I’m sure he thinks you’re all kinds of wonderful. It was probably his way of saying “lighten up on yourself”. The world is hard enough without second guessing ourselves about things that we can’t do much about. And others who judge you based on your looks aren’t worthy of being friends with you.
Be at peace.
 
ReneeLee said:
I have been in a lot of emotional distress lately and it has been interfering with my prayer life. I have given it a lot of thought and realized that the distress is due to a root sin of vanity. I had never even considered the possibility of my being vain as I am not pretty or materialistic, but as I read about the various manifestations of vanity outside of looks I realized I am very vain and that my vanity colors all my relationships with people and God. I confessed my vanity and was brushed off. When I insisted that I was vain my confessor said I was not capable of vanity, that it is a sin of attractive people. Sigh.

My vanity manifests itself in obsessing about whether or not I am good enough or pretty enough or worthy enough in the eyes of other people (and being despondent when I am not!) and my priests tells me I’m not pretty enough to be capable of my sin. Got one Hail Mary and a suggestion that I go get a new haircut. Sigh. I went in feeling sad and worthless and unpopular and left feeling lower and uglier than ever. I feel shamed.

Am I wrong about vanity? Is it just a sin for the beautiful?
Is my confession of vanity still valid and absolved even if the priest doesn’t take it seriously?
Do I really have to get a new haircut? (I did actually because I was going to anyways but I really wonder!)
Does my being crushed at a priest finding me too unattractive to be capable of vanity make me guilty of vanity again?
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perhaps he wasn’t trying to be dismissive, perhaps just trying to console you. not in the best way, in my opinion though.

I’m guessing this was a face to face confession?
 
Evidently he needs to brush up on his fairy tales as even the wicked step sisters were vain!

I’m sorry.

Maybe go to someone else, another parish till the pain is gone? And pray for the priest! Even if he was joking, it was not in good taste.

I know some, if they know you are advanced in your spiritual life will do some jabbing in areas that you are working in, sensitive in, but not in the confessional - or it hasn’t happened there.
 
Hopey said:
I know some, if they know you are advanced in your spiritual life will do some jabbing in areas that you are working in, sensitive in, but not in the confessional - or it hasn’t happened there.
Click to expand...
hmmm he certainly seems like he would be a jabber and have a wicked sense of humor
 
ReneeLee said:
hmmm he certainly seems like he would be a jabber and have a wicked sense of humor
Click to expand...
Confession wasn’t an appropriate place tho.
Not in my book anyway.

I’ve been jabbed by some. In areas I was working on especially but outside the confessional - ones I know personally.

I go behind the screen/grill when I go to confession.
 
yes, he might have gotten vanity wrong, but he still has the power to forgive your sins. Don’t add to your sins by ruminating over his imperfections.

What he might have done, intentionally or not, is humbled you. We get so isolated in our selves and forget that there are other people and other perspectives. His words might have brought your vanity down to size. Read GK Chesterton’s book: Orthodoxy, the chapter on self-esteem. He thought it was over-rated, saying that bad actors and bad poets have high self-esteem. just think of yourself in God’s eyes; imagine how all of His creations must look in our imperfection. We are perfectly imperfect.
 
I had a close friend confide to me several years ago the priest pretty much asked why would she expect forgiveness for what she was confessing to. She did not confide in me what the sin was but I probably would never return to the confessional if I heard a priest say that to me.
 
I go to English/Irish Priests all the time and we never get to that level, so in this case I think Fr. was joking some priests have a great sense of humour, I think the priests I go to would have not made any comment, as most things I tell them they just listen and say not a word but just listen to me rambling on (Poor Father I think to myself) and that is that, then I get told to try better , absolution and Penance and I am off. All very civilised really.
 
Sometimes God can allow some things to happen to help us.
If you are tempted to never to return to confession, that is not from God.

When I was working on vanity, I stopped coloring my hair, etc. The comments I got made me want to go back especially now that I am going gray. But that was one promise I made and have stuck with it. I make myself look nice. But I do not do all the extra, esp money.
 
I have been working on being charitable more to people especially those who are cross, mean, insulting. Lately, I have been really tested and one day I thought I had been thrown in the city of trolls!
As frustrated as I was, and my tongue can be very sharp, there was a sense of being tested. I don’t think God sent it, but he allowed it.
 
ReneeLee said:
I did cry. A lot.

The priest is a good man and normally gives good advice. I think he was in shock at me confessing vanity and it sort of slipped out. Technically he told me that “you are not capable of vanity, it is a sin of attractive people”. Its just that as a woman I hear it as “wow, you? only pretty girls have that problem”

Previously his advice has been so good that I was going to ask him to be my spiritual director. I have a lot of respect for him and he is certainly a devoted man. He has told me before that I am not capable of such and such sin. I think he is wrong but sure am glad he thinks I am so holy (vanity again!)
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Maybe it would have been a mismatch for spiritual director and God allowed you to see this side of the priest. I think sometimes it’s difficult for male priests to understand some of the things that plague women in the areas of body image and self-esteem. I don’t think you have to get a new haircut any sooner than you already planned if it wasn’t part of the actual penance (it wasn’t, was it?).

The vanity idea isn’t a bad one, but maybe it would be more fruitful at this stage simply to pray asking God to help you achieve a healthy balance when it comes to your appearance and your self-image. Change what you want, but don’t do it out of anxiety, don’t fret about what you can’t change, etc. Realize that we’re all His unique creations. Don’t worry - I’ve been where you are, maybe worse. When I was 9 or 10 years old I thought I was downright ugly. I look at pictures of me from then and I see an average, even attractive little girl. But my self-esteem then was in the pits, so I can see how the distortion came in. :o

Be at peace. Pray for the priest to maybe have grace to understand his female penitents better! 😉 Hugs!
 
I think the priest gets it.
I believe he was joking.
I believe he wants the penitent to lighten up and not worry about things that don’t matter.
The way to relieve yourself of vanity is to be happy with yourself. No one can do this for you. Please people, lighten up.

And for the person who was told why they expected forgiveness? That was the priest telling them that what they confessed is NOT a sin, therefore, no need of confession.

When people start viewing priests as people who can engage in real conversation, they will be able to communicate better.
People can talk themselves into thinking they are the worst sinner ever. It’s a kindness for the priest to tell you that you’re over thinking it. Scruples are deadly.
Peace.
 
Hmmm…

I actually think maybe he was seizing the opportunity to poke at your confessed sin of vanity. Anyone older than ten knows that everyone can suffer from vanity, no matter what some supposed level attractiveness that they might currently possess. So if course the priest, who hears thousands of confessions, would know this.

I think he trusts that your spiritual progress is at the point where a little blow to your vanity would not break you, but rather, humble you and help you progress. So I suggest taking heed to his advice, remove your focus from vanity and let that vice wither. Focus less upon other’s perception of you and more upon growing in holiness.

And get a haircut only if you feel like it.

Take heart, because the very fact that you can honestly and seriously accuse yourself of vice demonstrates your fervent desire to become confirmed to Christ.
 
I remember ages ago a priest saying that hearing nuns’ confessions was like being pecked to death by a duck. Apparently ducks have very soft bills. Perhaps in the moment this poor man just reacted to being pecked one too many times that day.
 
First off, in reading the OP, there seems to be a blending of issues regarding looks and worth. That is not vanity per se, because our culture equates the two…ever day in advertising and other media.

This isn’t a healthy mindset on its own.

I don’t think the priest saw your concern as vainity at all, especially if you’re not electing to have a fifth surgery to look like Barbie. Dollars to donuts, that’s what he was trying to convey, without knowing you.

But give him a break if he is not aware of your sensitive nature. And in the anonymity of the confessional, how could he know of it?
 
I don’t have much to add to the discussion about the confession itself, because I think there are a lot of possibilities that are all dependent on tone.

I want to say something to you about vanity and sin, though, because I have struggled through these terrible waters myself. The thing to remember about sin is that it requires first that you make the decision to sin with total freedom, and I don’t think that a lot of women have that freedom. When we are trapped and scared that we won’t be treated equitably because we’re not pretty enough, we are broken in a way that removes culpability. Real vanity is about wanting power over others - and people with beauty or something to show off are very capable of that. However, when you are simply frightened that society will treat you poorly because society has a track record of denigrating women in such a way, I would argue that this does not equate to sin.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. Just because it’s not a sin doesn’t mean that there’s not a brokenness for God to heal! In those moments when I think - or in fact, know - that I won’t be treated equitably because I’m not so pretty, I call on the strength of God. “Let me know who I am in You,” I pray. I also reflect often on the tenderness and understanding that Jesus has for women. I find myself with tears running down my face over this, sometimes, in fact. In theology school, I learned so much about the ancient world, which in turn reveals that some of the Gospels are just astounding in how boldly they dignify women, flying in the face of the customs of the time. I think, too, of the especially fierce devotion of Jesus’ female followers - he was clearly special to them in a deeply personal way, which I understand. When I am feeling crushed, I think of all of this.

God knows about this culture of death that tells us all that we are worthless if we have a dimpled thigh or a soft belly. God knows about this culture of death that looks at women as tools for gratification, even if just visually. Accusing myself of a sin I wasn’t committing (though I committed plenty of others!) didn’t help anything. There are no extra points to confession to a sin that isn’t a sin. If what I say resonates for you, I would try just praying for healing deep in your heart on this matter, and reading a bit about Jesus’ life-affirming interactions with women.
 
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