Confession brush-off and hurt

[Paperwhites]

I don’t have much to add to the discussion about the confession itself, because I think there are a lot of possibilities that are all dependent on tone.

I want to say something to you about vanity and sin, though, because I have struggled through these terrible waters myself. The thing to remember about sin is that it requires first that you make the decision to sin with total freedom, and I don’t think that a lot of women have that freedom. When we are trapped and scared that we won’t be treated equitably because we’re not pretty enough, we are broken in a way that removes culpability. Real vanity is wanting to be better than others; it is, at heart, about wanting power over others - and people with beauty or something to show off are very capable of that. However, when you are simply frightened that society will treat you poorly because society has a track record of denigrating women in such a way, I would argue that this does not equate to sin.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. Just because it’s not a sin doesn’t mean that there’s not a brokenness for God to heal! In those moments when I think - or in fact, know - that I won’t be treated equitably because I’m not so pretty, I call on the strength of God. “Let me know who I am in You,” I pray. I also reflect often on the tenderness and understanding that Jesus has for women. I find myself with tears running down my face over this, sometimes, in fact. In theology school, I learned so much about the ancient world, which in turn reveals that some of the Gospels are just astounding in how boldly they dignify women, flying in the face of the customs of the time. I think, too, of the especially fierce devotion of Jesus’ female followers. When I am feeling crushed, I think of all of this.

God knows about this culture of death that tells us all that we are worthless if we have a dimpled thigh or a soft belly. God knows about this culture of death that looks at women as tools for gratification, even if just visually. Accusing myself of a sin I wasn’t committing (though I committed plenty of others!) didn’t help anything. There are no extra points to confession to a sin that isn’t a sin. If what I say resonates for you, I would try just praying for healing deep in your heart on this matter, and reading a bit about Jesus’ life-affirming interactions with women.

 

[mommamaree]

I don’t have much to add to the discussion about the confession itself, because I think there are a lot of possibilities that are all dependent on tone.

I want to say something to you about vanity and sin, though, because I have struggled through these terrible waters myself. The thing to remember about sin is that it requires first that you make the decision to sin with total freedom, and I don’t think that a lot of women have that freedom. When we are trapped and scared that we won’t be treated equitably because we’re not pretty enough, we are broken in a way that removes culpability. Real vanity is about wanting power over others - and people with beauty or something to show off are very capable of that. However, when you are simply frightened that society will treat you poorly because society has a track record of denigrating women in such a way, I would argue that this does not equate to sin.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. Just because it’s not a sin doesn’t mean that there’s not a brokenness for God to heal! In those moments when I think - or in fact, know - that I won’t be treated equitably because I’m not so pretty, I call on the strength of God. “Let me know who I am in You,” I pray. I also reflect often on the tenderness and understanding that Jesus has for women. I find myself with tears running down my face over this, sometimes, in fact. In theology school, I learned so much about the ancient world, which in turn reveals that some of the Gospels are just astounding in how boldly they dignify women, flying in the face of the customs of the time. I think, too, of the especially fierce devotion of Jesus’ female followers - he was clearly special to them in a deeply personal way, which I understand. When I am feeling crushed, I think of all of this.

God knows about this culture of death that tells us all that we are worthless if we have a dimpled thigh or a soft belly. God knows about this culture of death that looks at women as tools for gratification, even if just visually. Accusing myself of a sin I wasn’t committing (though I committed plenty of others!) didn’t help anything. There are no extra points to confession to a sin that isn’t a sin. If what I say resonates for you, I would try just praying for healing deep in your heart on this matter, and reading a bit about Jesus’ life-affirming interactions with women.

Wow, very powerful post.

 

[Sirach2]

Since your priest did not say, “For your penance, get a haircut…” then he was giving a left-handed suggestion to cope with vanity. I had a problem many years ago, and I realized that when I was in the presence of others, rather than listen to them, my mind was focused on my appearance and what they thought about my outfit, attractiveness, etc.

If this is the Lord trying to correct you, it will keep coming back until you take it to Him and ask for His help in conquering it. I received a certain way to overcome and did what I felt was Our Lord’s direction. It worked, and I overcame this obsession. Maybe the priest had a good idea when he suggested the haircut, in order to remove the remote cause of vanity.

Please do not consider it a serious sin, for it is something innate within us due to concupiscence - a tendency toward the capital vices that CAN, if indulged, cause us to sin against others in a positive way. These roots in our nature need to be guarded against before they become a major obstacle to our spirituality. This vanity may be a tendency to pride and disdaining others.

For instance, if one is lazy, the resolution might be to become punctual and avoid procrastination, before this results in seriously avoiding one’s duties in one’s state of life. THAT would be sinful matter.

 

[Gorgias]

The priest is a good man and normally gives good advice. I think he was in shock at me confessing vanity and it sort of slipped out. Technically he told me that “you are not capable of vanity, it is a sin of attractive people”. Its just that as a woman I hear it as “wow, you? only pretty girls have that problem”

Seeing people responding to you that he may have been joking prompted me to think about this again, but in a different direction: did you tell him what you’ve told us here – that you think you’re unattractive, but vain nevertheless? If so, maybe he was trying to get you to admit that deep down, you really do think of yourself as attractive! That is, he wasn’t trying to put you down, but to see if your immediate response was, “but I am attractive, Father!”… and therefore, really are vain, in a way that you claimed that you’re not.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

face palm Wow, just wow. Your priest told you you weren’t pretty enough? Typical insensitive men. No, some priests really are just clueless in this regard. My SD once essentially told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. Which is true, but there are ways to say it.

No, vanity is not just a sin for attractive people. Ugly people can be vain in the apparent virtue, piety, worldly accomplishments, personal possessions.

I used to have a real issue with vanity and my hair…until it was accidentally cut off and butchered some more by an incompetent hairdresser.

 

[EvangelCatholic]

Your priest may have been tired especially if he was listening to many confessions that day. I once had a similar incident and was essentially “brushed off” by the pastor during a confession. Not all priests make good confessors so don’t be upset because I am sure your pastor has many other qualities that make him a great priest.

 

[pianistclare]

I can’t believe so many people have never encountered “dry humor”.
Amazing.
Obviously he was telling her “don’t beat yourself up over things that are silly.”
:coffeeread:

 

[teeboy]

And they wonder why there are no lines for confession!

We have lines for confession because the priests don’t show up or they want to talk about things that don’t need to be talked about in confession, as if confession is for catching up on old times.

I’ve probably wasted $25 dollars in gas going to confession where the priest doesn’t show up, and there is no mention of it at Mass (as in an apology or a reason why). That’s my Sunday contributions at work.

 

[felsguy]

We have lines for confession because the priests don’t show up or they want to talk about things that don’t need to be talked about in confession, as if confession is for catching up on old times.

I’ve probably wasted $25 dollars in gas going to confession where the priest doesn’t show up, and there is no mention of it at Mass (as in an apology or a reason why). That’s my Sunday contributions at work.

I’d consider getting a more fuel eficient car.

 

[Miserissima]

We have lines for confession because the priests don’t show up or they want to talk about things that don’t need to be talked about in confession, as if confession is for catching up on old times.

I’ve probably wasted $25 dollars in gas going to confession where the priest doesn’t show up, and there is no mention of it at Mass (as in an apology or a reason why). That’s my Sunday contributions at work.

Your Sunday contributions shouldn’t be coming exclusively from your pocket. Hold a door for an elderly person. Run trays for the KofC breakfast; acts of service centered around the Eucharist.

Did you approach Father after Mass and say, “Father, I was at confession on Saturday but no one was there. Was there an emergency? Were you sick? Are you okay?” Or did you expect him to make an announcement from the ambo why he wasn’t there, which would possibly betray a fellow parishioner?

My priest was late to confession one day. He was counseling a lady who lost her mother and needed a difference in rent because she spent the money to travel 400 miles for her mother’s funeral, and whose ex refused to take the kids for one day so she could bury her mom. I would have been aghast if Father told anyone anything more than a “parishioner emergency.”

The money he gave / loaned came from the Pastor’s Fund: stipends and monetary gifts that the priest put on the side to use at his discretion – nothing from the collection plate.

The money from the collection doesn’t line the priest’s pockets. That would be called embezzlement.

If you went to Mass and the lights were lit, the A/C was on, the lawn was trimmed, the candles weren’t stubs, the fire hazard insurance had been paid, the wine and wafers were purchased, the chalice didn’t need replating, the alarm system was still in good order, the sound system was in semi decent repair, the linens had been washed and dried, seasonal flowers decorated the altar, the vestments were not tattered, the gum was scraped from under the seats, the piano was tuned, the choir had a place to practice last week, the hole in the awning had been patched, the bulletins were printed, the professional organist was paid, the mice didn’t eat through the organ bellows yet, no pests were found eating stale Cheerios that toddlers dropped, and your missals were printed after 1970: that’s where your contribution went.

I’m very, very sure all that cost just a tad bit more than your donation.

I was that lady I wrote about earlier, and I wouldn’t take one red cent you put in that collection basket, sir. Not even if I got a red balloon, a lollipop, and a free pony ride.

As far, as missing Confession, did you call the rectory to see what happened and pass it along to otter parishioners that there’s a hiccup in scheduling? Was there enough time to call another parish for confession times, and drive the little old lady next to you in line back to her apartment?

Please try to think the better of a priest who may have been caught up in a crisis. What you put into the collection basket should never be how much you think you’re owed.

 

[teeboy]

I’d consider getting a more fuel eficient car.

Nah, mine is paid for, and I know my way around underneath the hood of it. The extra fuel savings can’t justify it; plus, I know what I’ve got–not the case when you get back into the vehicle market.