Confession Dilemma and Questions

[BlueRain]

I haven’t been to confession since I was at least 12. I feel that I have repented most of my sins. But there is one that is just a big thorn on my side. I haven’t done a good job of honoring my father.

My dad constantly put our family down and physically abused my mother twice when I was kid. He pretty much stopped hitting my brother and I by the age of 11/12. Fortunately we were able to shield a lot of things from my two youngest brothers. He was always putting us down and talking down to my mom almost everyday. The physical abuse wasn’t daily; it was more like living with the threat and fear that it could happen. He always put his friends and others first instead of his family. I don’t swear at my dad. I mostly talk back at him. I try to hold it in, but if I don’t say anything, he thinks I’m afraid and he just feels so macho. But even so, it’s disrespectful and a sin. A sin that I don’t like and I wish I didn’t have to do that.

But it’s a sin I feel that I will commit again. Confessions here are on Saturdays and I’m almost positive that between confession and Mass on Sunday, I’ll probably have committed this sin again. And you can’t receive Communion if you are conscience of a grave sin? Am I correct? I plan to talk about all this with the priest, but I hope I can get some of your thoughts and opinions so that I can better reflect and reconcile with this problem.

On another note, I plan to go to confession during the listed times. I’m afraid I’ll be the only one there. Is the priest already just sitting in the booth and waiting for a person to confess? I don’t want the priest to know who I am. If I’m the only one there and he’s not in the booth yet, it won’t be hard to figure out it’s me. Does anyone know how this usually happens? I feel like it’s such a silly question.

 

[marty1818]

Blue Rain,
While honoring your mother and father is a commandment, I’m not exactly sure on whether you are required to follow it when your father is being abusive to your family and yourself. I would say exactly what you said in the post when you go to confession with the priest, and ask him for (name removed by moderator)ut. Usually at confession the priest will be in the confessional waiting for people. For example if confession is at 4 pm, around 4 he will enter the confessional, sometimes the priest will be a little late and show up maybe 5 minutes late. If you don’t want to be known, I would suggest showing up a little after confession have started, say at 4:10 according to the example. Only do this if the priest is hearing confession for a decent chunk of time. If he’s only hearing confessions until 4:15 you could miss confession all together. Don’t worry too much about the priest finding out who you are, they cannot break the seal. In all my experiences with going face to face in confession, no priest has ever treated me differently outside the confessional after hearing one of my confessions. Entrust everything in the Lord because He loves you as only God can. You will be in my prayers.

God Bless,
Matthew

 

[m134e5]

Blue Rain,

Please don’t avoid going to confession because you’re afraid you’ll commit the same sin before you even go to Mass. Try not to dwell on the thoughts of hatred, and you will stay in a state of grace- with time, you’ll be able to go for longer without feeling this way. Please go to confession- and tell the priest what you said here. Most people have to confess at least one sin more than once- that doesn’t mean their past confessions were not good.

I’m sure you have been hurt badly by your father, and no one can be expected to just forget all that and act like they’re your best friend all of a sudden- or ever. Feelings of hatred aren’t mortal sins if they just come up. They are mortal sins if you let yourself dwell on them. When you find yourself feeling hateful thoughts towards him think “yes, he treated me badly, and that was wrong- but God knows that even more than I do, and can handle things better than I can”.

God is all knowing, all loving, and all just. Remember that Jesus forgave those who crucified him- as they were doing it- and after he said aloud to God to forgive them- they didn’t even care- they just kept on mocking him and torturing him. Forgiveness comes only by grace. Pray to Jesus Christ Crucified that you may be able to forgive-- you don’t have to forget or act like everything is ok- in fact, it’s probably not good to do that- you need to remember so you don’t let it happen again, and so that you don’t allow yourself to be hurt so deeply again-- just release the bondage that your father’s wrongdoing has over you.

This won’t just ‘happen’- forgiveness is a grace from God, and is something people often have to ask for. It may take time for you to be able to do it, but I am confident you can. Pray every day for the grace of forgiveness. It will come to you. In the meantime, go to confession as often as you can, and receive Our Lord in Holy Communion as often as you can.

 

[urbana]

marty’s advice on timing was good. If you show up ten minutes after the start of confession, the priest will never see your face. Most priests are quite aware that some people desire or need anonymity, and work to accomodate them. If you remain concerned that the priest might not be waiting in the confessional, I would recommend calling the parish office (from a pay phone to retain anonymity) and ask. Even if he normally does not wait in the confessional, any priest should honor a request to do so for a given day. You could equally well make an anonymous appointment for individual confession, asking the priest to wait for you in the confessional, and give you sufficient time to leave.

I will reiterate that there is no need to be concerned about a priest ever treating you differently because of what you have confessed or otherwise violating the seal of the confessional. The seal of the confessional is taken very seriously! I’ve even had priests inform me that if I wished them to have and be able to use other information that I told them in confession (information they knew I wanted them to have, such as the name of a book I was recommending they read), I would have to send them an email or otherwise repeat what I had told them outside of confession. However, I also understand that while you may know that intellectually, you may still be afraid of having them know your identity. Fears don’t have to be rational, and fortunately the option of complete anonymity is your right as a catholic.

I would respectfully disagree with the wording of part of marty’s comment. We all are called to obey all of the commandments, your father’s treatment of you does not remove the responsibility to follow the 4th commandment. However, the manner in which he treated you could affect the manner in which you are called to follow the 4th commandment. This is something you will likely want to discuss with a priest, in the confessional if you desire.

In my case, I have had discussions with a priest I trust about this. While I was never quite physically abused, I suffered emotional abuse that I am still dealing with now, even though I have been out of the house for several years. My spiritual advisor understands how seriously I have been hurt by my father. I had no desire to go to my parents house for holidays, and only went because I felt I should and because I did not want to hurt my mom. Additionally, despite being an adult, each time I went home I risked suffering further emotional abuse, and lived in fear that this time he would make the very short step to physical abuse. After some months talking with my spiritual advisor, I decided that I needed to sit down and talk with my father, not having any idea what the outcome would be. My spiritual advisor told me that in my case, I was justified in giving my father one last chance, sitting down and explaining to him how much he had and was hurting me. Depending upon how my father responded to that and how he treated me, even severing all ties and having no further contact with my father might be justifiable, according to my spiritual director. In that case, for me, honoring my father would consist of having forgiven him for the pain he caused me, loving him in spite of that (love thy enemies), making sure that he is cared for if need be (supporting him in his old age), and praying for him. I might never visit him, never talk with him, and yet still be obeying the 4th commandment. This would be a drastic step, but called for by very unusual circumstances. Fortunately, my father’s reaction to my discussion did not necessitate that, but I still have a severely strained relationship with him.

I recommend having a long discussion with a priest about the 4th commandment and how it relates to you. You might find out some of what you consider to be required by the 4th commandment is not. While I agree that “talking back” to him probably is disrespectful and sinful, it is quite possible that it does not constitute a grave sin. (Not all sins against the commandments consititute grave matter. For instance, using an office printer to print out a personal document, while stealing 5 cents from your employer if against company policy and violating a commandment, would be a venial sin.) Talk with the priest, not just to obtain absolution and the graces of the sacrament, but also to obtain advice on how to follow God’s commandments with respect to your life.

Welcome back to the sacramental life of the Church!

 

[Livnlove55]

urbana:

I will reiterate that there is no need to be concerned about a priest ever treating you differently because of what you have confessed or otherwise violating the seal of the confessional. The seal of the confessional is taken very seriously! I’ve even had priests inform me that if I wished them to have and be able to use other information that I told them in confession (information they knew I wanted them to have, such as the name of a book I was recommending they read), I would have to send them an email or otherwise repeat what I had told them outside of confession.

I have nothing to add to the great counsel that has already been given but, as a new Catholic, I do have a question about what you wrote here about the confessional seal.

Our RCIA session preparing us for our first confession was led by our associate pastor and he made a comment that I have never forgotten. He said one penitent had brought up some issues outside the confessional that had been discussed inside the confessional. He said that bothered him since “He (the penitent) was treating it as if it had been a counseling session and I (the priest) shouldn’t have even been discussing it at all.”

I have never gone to confession with him but I took to heart what he had said. All of my confessions have been to my pastor and all of them have been face to face but I have never mentioned to him anything I discussed during confession outside of the confessional (and, of course, neither has he!). But since I consider my pastor my informal “spiritual director”, as well as confessor, I have frequently wanted to receive further counsel on the issues I discussed. So I’m a bit confused about how I’m supposed to go about getting that counsel if my pastor is not supposed to talk about it at all. It seems silly to make an appointment for counseling and then waste time repeating everything I told him in confession just so he can talk about it without being bound by the confessional seal. But from what you have said (and from what my associate pastor said), it seems it would be wrong to say something like “Remember how I told you in confession that I…”

I dunno. As I said, I’m confused. I treasure the seal and would not want to do anything that would put my pastor in danger of violating it but I don’t like feeling so restrained in what I can say to him. Can someone help me understand better? Thanks.
In His love,
Rhonda

 

[BlueRain]

Thank You everyone for your suggestions and prayers. They are truly comforting and give me hope. If I fall I’ll just keep getting up (which means keep going to confession).

I usually go with my mom to a parish that is farther away but has Masses in Spanish. There’s another parish around here and I looked in the yellow pages for the phone number so I could call and ask for the specific confession time. Actually I didn’t even know that parish existed until a few months ago when I walked by it. And I remember that they stated Confessions on Saturdays. But it’s weird that I couldn’t find it at all in the yellow pages. No problem, I’ll look for it online.

But perhaps it was meant to be this way. Now that I have read your responses it will help me work out my feelings and try to prepare myself. Thank you everyone for your responses I really appreciate them.

 

[Fizendell]

Livnlove55:

Our RCIA session preparing us for our first confession was led by our associate pastor and he made a comment that I have never forgotten. He said one penitent had brought up some issues outside the confessional that had been discussed inside the confessional. He said that bothered him since “He (the penitent) was treating it as if it had been a counseling session and I (the priest) shouldn’t have even been discussing it at all.”

I have never gone to confession with him but I took to heart what he had said. All of my confessions have been to my pastor and all of them have been face to face but I have never mentioned to him anything I discussed during confession outside of the confessional (and, of course, neither has he!). But since I consider my pastor my informal “spiritual director”, as well as confessor, I have frequently wanted to receive further counsel on the issues I discussed. So I’m a bit confused about how I’m supposed to go about getting that counsel if my pastor is not supposed to talk about it at all. It seems silly to make an appointment for counseling and then waste time repeating everything I told him in confession just so he can talk about it without being bound by the confessional seal. But from what you have said (and from what my associate pastor said), it seems it would be wrong to say something like “Remember how I told you in confession that I…”

I dunno. As I said, I’m confused. I treasure the seal and would not want to do anything that would put my pastor in danger of violating it but I don’t like feeling so restrained in what I can say to him. Can someone help me understand better? Thanks.
In His love,
Rhonda

Rhonda:

I have experienced the same feelings and am equally confused! My suggestion to you would be to make an appointment with your pastor for conversation/confession. Let him know that you need more time than a typical confessional conversation and then just flat out tell him: “I need to talk about this, that and the other, but feel uncomfortable bringing it up outside the confessional. What is the best way to handle this?”

Maybe, you could ask him that same question after mass - if you can make it private enough. “I need to talk about some stuff and I don’t know the right way to go about it, can I make an appointment to see you?”

I firmly believe that our pastors, associate pastors and all priests who serve their congregations have our best interest in mind and their desire is to bring us closer to our God. They would not want us floundering in our confusion and going with our own ideas if they are not in line with God.

So - seek him out for the opening question and go with what he suggests.

And if you’re especially nervous about asking - start off with “Father, I’m really nervous about asking this, but I need to talk…”

They understand… relax and trust!