Confession guidance

[TIK]

Assuming you’re married or engaged, is it a good idea to confess all your sins to you future wife/husband? I feel that even though God has forgiven me, the priest has absolved me and so on, I am still being dishonest by withholding details about the depths of my sin from my spouse (or future spouse). They would be marrying a lie.

For example, assume that In the past I had a tendency to fornication. Even if now it is now longer an issue, wouldn’t it be prudent to mention this to my wife and seek her forgiveness? I would want to give everything to my wife: Possessions, memories, commitment etc. And if we’re going to do that, surely that means facing up to each others sins?

But are there limits to this? For example, lets say the worst, most ugly thing I’ve ever done happened 10 years ago, I have sincerely repented of it, never intend to do it again, and the likelihood of me slipping up and doing it again is next to zero. God has forgiven me, the priest has absolved me and so on. I feel that I should not hide this ugly part of my past from my spouse, but If confessing it to her is going to hurt her beyond belief, then would it be prudent to do so? Would it cause more harm than good? I don’t want to lie or be dishonest to my spouse in any way, but if being 100% honest is going to lead to unnecessary pain, suffering or mental anguish… what should I do?
This kind of relates to the classic Honesty question/dilemma: is it always a good idea to be honest? What if you’re hiding the Jews from the Gestapo? In this case surely lying to protect the Jews from an onslaught of evil is the right thing to do.

A side question: I just went to my first confession in 11 years (so excited that I have a guaranteed clean-slate! ). In those 11 years were many many sins. I only confessed my darkest one and gave a general outline that “I am a sinner”. I understand that all the other sins were absolved, but If I remember them in the future do I HAVE to confess them? I would much rather confess them only if they turn out to be causing further problems in the present.
For example two years ago I told a WHOPPER lie which had massive ramifications. I only remembered it after confession, and I fully intended to mention it but I just forgot. I understand that it has been absolved/forgiven, so do I really need to make sure to remember it and confess it next time? Or should I only bring it up if I’m still struggling with it/it is causing me to struggle, and I’m looking for spiritual guidance?

Thanks all!

 

[Used2beSherryG]

Confess your sins to a priest once you recall them. If they were not confessed, now that you are aware, they should be included. Baring your soul to your intended is not a good idea. It should suffice to say something in a general way, perhaps about going to confession for the first time in eleven years, making a clean breast of past sins and looking forward to your very bright future together. We have all done things in our past that we are not proud of or regret. Dumping on your future bride would be very unkind. If you have any doubts, talk to your priest about this idea, too. Most priests have lots of experience in this type of question and most also have some training in pastoral/family counseling.

 

[MaryT777]

Confess your sins to a priest once you recall them. If they were not confessed, now that you are aware, they should be included. Baring your soul to your intended is not a good idea. It should suffice to say something in a general way, perhaps about going to confession for the first time in eleven years, making a clean breast of past sins and looking forward to your very bright future together. We have all done things in our past that we are not proud of or regret. Dumping on your future bride would be very unkind. If you have any doubts, talk to your priest about this idea, too. Most priests have lots of experience in this type of question and most also have some training in pastoral/family counseling.

Great advice:thumbsup:

 

[truetofaith]

Confess your sins to a priest once you recall them. If they were not confessed, now that you are aware, they should be included. Baring your soul to your intended is not a good idea. It should suffice to say something in a general way, perhaps about going to confession for the first time in eleven years, making a clean breast of past sins and looking forward to your very bright future together. We have all done things in our past that we are not proud of or regret. Dumping on your future bride would be very unkind. If you have any doubts, talk to your priest about this idea, too. Most priests have lots of experience in this type of question and most also have some training in pastoral/family counseling.

I totally agree! If you confessed your sins, were given absolution & those sins are no longer a problem …why cause problems with your wife or fiancé ?
God forgave you and your past sins are forgotten by Him. Do likewise!

 

[OraLabora]

I totally agree! If you confessed your sins, were given absolution & those sins are no longer a problem …why cause problems with your wife or fiancé ?
God forgave you and your past sins are forgotten by Him. Do likewise!

The problem is that some sins are an ingrained tendency or habit. They are likely to come back and perhaps be troubling in the marriage. Some spiritual guidance may be helpful to determine if full disclosure is a good idea or not. But from experience, I can say that the sense of betrayal a spouse May feel about an undisclosed propensity to certain kinds of sin suddenly erupting in a marriage, is not a force to take lightly.

One may think one has the propensity beat only to have it erupt again in a weak or troubled moment, and there will be plenty of those in a marriage no matter how solid.

 

[Bookcat]

A side question: I just went to my first confession in 11 years (so excited that I have a guaranteed clean-slate! ). In those 11 years were many many sins. I only confessed my darkest one and gave a general outline that “I am a sinner”. I understand that all the other sins were absolved, but If I remember them in the future do I HAVE to confess them? I would much rather confess them only if they turn out to be causing further problems in the present.
For example two years ago I told a WHOPPER lie which had massive ramifications. I only remembered it after confession, and I fully intended to mention it but I just forgot. I understand that it has been absolved/forgiven, so do I really need to make sure to remember it and confess it next time? Or should I only bring it up if I’m still struggling with it/it is causing me to struggle, and I’m looking for spiritual guidance?

Thanks all!

I understand you have been away from confession for some years so you may have not realized this -but we are obliged to confess all mortal sins in number and kind (and if something changes the kind like it was a Church one burned down and thus sacrilege). One is to examine ones conscience and confess each and every mortal sin one is conscious of. One may not simply confess the darkest one and give a general outline that one is a sinner. Though a person might innocently not realize this of course and still have a valid confession -but needs still to confess all mortal sins now that they know.

Sounds like an examination and confession is still in order -noting what happened with the confession.

One is to confess all mortal sins in number and kind (adultery 2x, murder 3x, etc-one need not use the technical term though). Now there can be some exceptions - like some cases of scrupulosity or the person is dying and cannot communicate much etc…But normally one must do it this way.

If one intends to confess all and is contrite but simply forgot one that is forgiven -but if remember it needs to be confessed (again some with scrupulosity may be told for example by their regular confessor not to confess remembered past sins unless they are both certain they were mortal and certain they were not confessed)

Here from Jimmy Akin the senior Apologist of Catholic Answers:

jimmyakin.com/2006/09/a_reader_writes_1.html

(as the the getting married question - a Priest can guide you there - some things may need to be said - depending on what they are. The Priest needs to help one enter marriage validly can can guide one).

Very glad your returning to confession! In Jesus of Nazareth and thus in his Church and Sacraments --is true life!

 

[truetofaith]

@ Bookcat The number of times a mortal sin is committed is supposed to be given, but I haven’t been asked numbers by any priests in many years.

 

[Bookcat]

@ Bookcat The number of times a mortal sin is committed is supposed to be given, but I haven’t been asked numbers by any priests in many years.

The Priest can assist and ask if he judges it helpful.

But remember “confession” is well confession - not interrogation - we are to confess. We are to accuse ourselves of all mortal sin in number and kind.

 

[fencersmother]

I think truthfulness toward spouses and future spouses is a very good thing - but in limited and very charitable amounts.

For instance, should you become engaged, your future spouse should know that, if you have suffered from fornication, you are not a virgin (and that you regret those actions). She doesn’t have to know that it was with XXX, YYY, and ZZZ. (She might also want to know that you are free of diseases which one may pick up along the way while fornicating.)

I feel women who have suffered from this sin who become pregnant must tell a future spouse if they have had a child and maybe more importantly,if she has aborted her child. Future spouse doesn’t necessarily need to know who the father of this baby is, but that there is, or was, a child conceived. (Same for men but sometimes they don’t know)