Confession, habitual sin, & priest's advice...

[Chayla]

What exactly is the sin you think you are guilty of? **Is it “lifelong habitual tardiness?” **Such isn’t a sin to my knowledge and certainly isn’t a mortal sin.

I thought that tardiness is a very serious sin. A different priest scolded me and told me I was selfish, rude, and disrespectful. Being late (anywhere) means that you put yourself first and don’t value another person’s time.

And, I DON’T WANT TO BE SELFISH AND DISRESPECTFUL. I am really trying.

I posted here because I am not ready to give up all make-up, and am using my own strategies (stickies all over my home).

I was wondering if I was morally required to heed the priest’s advice.

 

[Chayla]

Perhaps the greater sin is selfishness…

It must be, I read that chronic tardiness is a deeper sign of not respecting others, whether it’s work, church, Dr.'s appointments, etc.

That is why I always confess this sin.

And, I was raised that lack of timeliness is a serious sin. No priest in confession told me otherwise.

But sometimes, when I tried to hard to be timely, I paid for it. I have come home to unlocked doors, running water, heated appliances not turned off, etc. So that is why I take so long.

And that is why I work so hard to remedy this sin. (And to be able to keep my job of course).

 

[PietroPaolo]

I thought that tardiness is a very serious sin. A different priest scolded me and told me I was selfish, rude, and disrespectful. Being late (anywhere) means that you put yourself first and don’t value another person’s time.

And, I DON’T WANT TO BE SELFISH AND DISRESPECTFUL. I am really trying.

I posted here because I am not ready to give up all make-up, and am using my own strategies (stickies all over my home).

I was wondering if I was morally required to heed the priest’s advice.

For it to be a mortal sin it has to be grave matter (i.e. violates one of the ten commandments). Which commandment would being late violate? I’m not saying it’s a good thing but you don’t seem to be being selfish, you seem to just have a difficult time getting out the door. Now, being late to Mass - alright I can see that being sinful, but being late to a movie or something? I don’t think so. Heck, before modern notions of “time” (thanks to the development of clocks) ppl weren’t so obsessed with timeliness. I’ve even heard JP2 was frequently late and he’s a saint. Jason Everett, in his book* Saint John Paul the Great* writes of the Pope that,

his patience often tried the patience of others. He was chronically late because he’d often spend more time with individuals than anyone had anticipated. One priest who assisted him said, “To him the value of the present person always outweighed the value of where we were going, because we’d get there eventually.” As a result, appointments would not infrequently being two hours later than expected.

That kind of love for the person or task I am currently doing (without worry about where I have to be or what I have to do when) is something I’m trying to work. You could say, I’d like to work on being less concerned with punctuality (as if the ticking of a clock ought to control our lives). Obedience to the clock is a very modern sin, one which many of us (myself included) struggle with.

I’m not sure I’d make this a life or death issue. Honestly, if being tardy is the worst of your sins, you’re doing better than most of us.

 

[PietroPaolo]

It must be, I read that chronic tardiness is a deeper sign of not respecting others, whether it’s work, church, Dr.'s appointments, etc.

That is why I always confess this sin.

And, I was raised that lack of timeliness is a serious sin. No priest in confession told me otherwise.

But sometimes, when I tried to hard to be timely, I paid for it. I have come home to unlocked doors, running water, heated appliances not turned off, etc. So that is why I take so long.

And that is why I work so hard to remedy this sin. (And to be able to keep my job of course).

Obviously, you need to be on time for your job (and Mass). But being late to work isn’t a sin. It might get you fired, but it isn’t a sin.

 

[pianistclare]

Now that you have given more details…such as the sticky notes…you really should see a counselor about these issues. These are not sins, but something you can get treatment and therapy for.
God less you.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

This is a good suggestion.

Also, I have so many sticky notes EVERYWHERE, that my guests are totally surprised.

I have to remind myself (with notes) to lock doors, close the refrigerator, turn the water off, even brush my teeth.

So, really do try very hard to end this sin, but keep failing.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is not normal. You have much more going on than just chronic tardiness if you have to write yourself notes to remember to do simple tasks of daily living. I highly encourage you to seek the advice of a physician and a mental health professional than try to deal with these issues in the confessional.

Peace be with you and you’ll be in my prayers.

 

[St_Francis]

I will explain:

My sin is lifelong chronic tardiness. I tried, but still continue with this sin.

Previous priests have advised me to “get up ealier.” I set my alarm now 2-1/2 hours before the leaving for the event, such as Mass or work, so I cannot do earlier. I allow more time than anyone I know. Unfortunately, this does NOT solve the problem. AND, I did tell this to the priest.

I suspect there is something else going on here. When you woke up, say, one hour before Mass, did you arrive 1 1/2 hours late? How late were you when you woke up later?

I am always leaving the house late. What I have done is work out how late I generally leave the house (15-20 minutes) and then say I have to leave 15 minutes earlier. I bring a book along on the off-hand chance I arrive early.

To confess this, I imagine you are arriving after the Gospel reading, or maybe 20 minutes late. So you need to say you will leave 20 minutes earlier than you do now. You generally leave at 8:30? From now on, your “out of th door” time is 8:10.

I have also set my clocks ahead to help me with this. I have no sense of time passing… but when I look at the clock close to the time I have to leave, I forget I have set it ahead and hustle myself out!

The priest in my last confession told me that I must stop doing anything that isn’t essential when getting ready in the morning.

Here is how the conversation went:

Priest: You must stop doing anything inessential when getting ready in the morning.

Me: I don’t do anything non-essential when getting ready.

Priest: For starters, STOP WEARING MAKE-UP. (stern voice)

I don’t want to stop wearing make-up.

I don’t feel comfortable without it in public. I feel it’s too personal of a matter, and the priest, because he is a male, does not UNDERSTAND.

I am a woman and I go out all the time with no make-up. And I know plenty of men who are Quite Particular about how they look when they go out.

The problem is that when we have something like this that we recoil from relinquishing, that is a problem. Even if a woman wore only lipstick, if she refused to leave a butning house without her lipstick on, wouldn’t you think she had her priorities jumbled up?

It sounds like you have a really great priest He may not so much be commenting on your make-up but your priorities. Which is more important to you: your make-up or God? Which is more important, covering up your flaws or showing up on time?

Now, all this being said, I suspect your problem is not make-up (if it only takes 5 or 10 minutes for you to put it on). I think you are like me: scatter-brained. I would suggest that you carefully look at how your mornings go and what you do.

Then figure out what the essentials are–you can’t brush your teeth the night before for the morning, right? So there are things which can only be done in the morning.

Do everything else the night before. Set out yoru clothes, make sure they are ironed and have all their buttons, and all that sort if thing.

In the morning, just do the essentials, and pare them down. Have cereal or a protein bar instead of a cooked breakfast. NEVER answer the phone, let the machine take a message. and last: pay attention to what you are doing. Running faucets, stovetops left on, etc., means you need to pay more attention to what you are doing, and finish what you are doing before you move away from that.

It is really hard work to pay attention. Countless burned dinnners in my house attest to that. But keep focused on what you are doing and I think eventually you will be able to leave on time because everything will already be turned off and you might even be able to sleep in

 

[cena]

Being late to mass is a sin. (It’s one thing if there was a heavy traffic, but since this is habitual…) being late to work might be a sin, but being late to movies is not.

 

[Chayla]

Obviously, you need to be on time for your job (and Mass). But being late to work isn’t a sin. It might get you fired, but it isn’t a sin.

Dear PietroPaolo,

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. It will really get me thinking…

I have read some of your posts in the past, and remember that you take Catholic teachings very seriously.

So, you telling me that my lack of timeliness is not a sin, means a lot.

 

[Chayla]

… I think you are like me: scatter-brained…

I have been told that I am a “scatter-brain.”

 

[PietroPaolo]

Dear PietroPaolo,

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. It will really get me thinking…

I have read some of your posts in the past, and remember that you take Catholic teachings very seriously.

So, you telling me that my lack of timeliness is not a sin, means a lot.

I do try to only present the authentic teachings of the Church so I don’t want to be misunderstood here. Lack of timeliness in general isn’t sinful, but it could become sinful depending on what you are late for and why you are late (e.g. it would be sinful to miss half of Mass because you were finishing a favorite movie). Lateness in and of itself however isn’t sinful and certainly isn’t mortally sinful (as the JP2 example should prove).

 

[powerofk]

Dear PietroPaolo,

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. It will really get me thinking…

I have read some of your posts in the past, and remember that you take Catholic teachings very seriously.

So, you telling me that my lack of timeliness is not a sin, means a lot.

This is especially true if your lack of timeliness is quite unintentional (as it seems to be). Honestly, by your description of what’s going on, I’d go to your medical doctor and ask to see (preferably a Catholic) psychiatrist. I’m not a doctor, and medical advise cannot (and should not) be distributed on these forums, but, from your description, it almost sounds like adult ADD. You’re doing your absolute best to cope, and not trying to get to places late. But this could easily be a biochemical issue, of which you have little control over. BTW, ADD is worse when a person is tired, so getting up earlier probably wouldn’t help. Make sure you’re going to bed at a decent time - it might help, too.

Being late would be a sin if you were intentionally disregarding the needs of others (being “fashionably late” for Mass or work, for example, and obviously not caring). And because you keep confessing this as a sin, it looks like the priests think that you are trying to draw attention to yourself by coming in late. But this is obviously not the case here.

 

[PietroPaolo]

This is especially true if your lack of timeliness is quite unintentional (as it seems to be). Honestly, by your description of what’s going on, I’d go to your medical doctor and ask to see (preferably a Catholic) psychiatrist. I’m not a doctor, and medical advise cannot (and should not) be distributed on these forums, but, from your description, it almost sounds like adult ADD. You’re doing your absolute best to cope, and not trying to get to places late. But this could easily be a biochemical issue, of which you have little control over. BTW, ADD is worse when a person is tired, so getting up earlier probably wouldn’t help. Make sure you’re going to bed at a decent time - it might help, too.

Being late would be a sin if you were intentionally disregarding the needs of others (being “fashionably late” for Mass or work, for example, and obviously not caring). And because you keep confessing this as a sin, it looks like the priests think that you are trying to draw attention to yourself by coming in late. But this is obviously not the case here.

Well said. It is, of course, impossible to diagnose anyone (spiritually or medically) online, but it doesn’t seem like the OP is late to Mass b/c she doesn’t prioritize it.

 

[Chayla]

The last time I was late was because I forgot my purse. I had to return home to get it.

(Note: this is important, I had my wallet in it.)

 

[Elizium23]

Perhaps you have mental health or neurological issues co-existing with this spiritual disturbance that you are confessing. I do not know any people who need to put sticky notes around their house to remind them of routine tasks. Perhaps now would be a good time to seek the counsel of a mental health professional regarding your memory problems and your tardiness.

Of course this is not mutually exclusive with continuing to make a good confession on a regular basis. You are already doing a good thing. Don’t stop going to this confessor because you reached an impasse with one of his instructions. Simply tell him that you are unwilling to give up make-up and why. I pray that you will be able to work through this and remain on good terms with your confessor.

 

[PietroPaolo]

The last time I was late was because I forgot my purse. I had to return home to get it.

(Note: this is important, I had my wallet in it.)

And if you are driving it had your license which you are required to carry with you when driving. Such lateness wouldn’t be sinful (although at that point you might consider going to a later Mass if one is available).

 

[Joan_M]

If it takes you 2 and a half hours to get ready to go out, you need to sit down and list every single thing you normally do and why. You should also try to note how long it takes you to do each thing. Since you have numerous sticky notes all over your home to remind you of things you need to do, you also need to list every note you normally read and check off when you have done that. Then you need to look at everything critically and decide - do I really need to do that. If no, then get rid of it. If yes, then - how long does it take to do. Do I really have to do it that way? Can I do it another way to make it take less time?

Really, you simply cannot need to take so long to get ready. Even make up - sure, I will not go out without eye makeup, but it takes me no more than 3 minutes to put on that.

Why do you need sticky notes to remind yourself to brush your teeth, or to turn off the tap? If you really need these, then you must go to the doctor! And, if you have a medical problem, then you are not committing sin, since we must freely choose to commit sin.

But - if you take 2 1/2 hours to get ready, then you need to get up at least 2 hours and 45 minutes before you need to be out the door, do be sure that you will make it on time. Never mind what time others get up. You do what is necessary to be ready before time, so you can be relaxed about it all.

 

[Chayla]

Maybe it’s a generational thing, and maybe some Catholic teachings change. But, I went to Catholic schools, and was raised by a very Catholic family.

“Scatterbrained” behavior in itself, such as forgetting one’s purse, or forgetting anything was looked as a sin, and in many instances, worthy of, and only corrected by serious punishment.

In my past, family, priests, and nuns seemed very much to confirm that. The sinfulness of scatterbrained behavior was especially emphasized in Catholic schools. I was told it was irresponsible, thoughtless, unkind, and disrespectful. I held others uo when going places with people.

So, nowadays, I’m confused about sin. What was once considered a sin is no longer a sin???

Having this clarified really helps, as I felt doomed and buried by my sins, as I feel unable to break free of them.

 

[Chayla]

If it takes you 2 and a half hours to get ready to go out, you need to sit down and list every single thing you normally do and why. You should also try to note how long it takes you to do each thing. Since you have numerous sticky notes all over your home to remind you of things you need to do, you also need to list every note you normally read and check off when you have done that. Then you need to look at everything critically and decide - do I really need to do that. If no, then get rid of it. If yes, then - how long does it take to do. Do I really have to do it that way? Can I do it another way to make it take less time?

Really, you simply cannot need to take so long to get ready. Even make up - sure, I will not go out without eye makeup, but it takes me no more than 3 minutes to put on that.

Why do you need sticky notes to remind yourself to brush your teeth, or to turn off the tap? If you really need these, then you must go to the doctor! And, if you have a medical problem, then you are not committing sin, since we must freely choose to commit sin.

But - if you take 2 1/2 hours to get ready, then you need to get up at least 2 hours and 45 minutes before you need to be out the door, do be sure that you will make it on time. Never mind what time others get up. You do what is necessary to be ready before time, so you can be relaxed about it all.

When I took less time, the consequences were potentially disasterous, such as water left running, doors unlocked, heated appliances left on, refrigerator open, etc.

Most of my time/energy seems to be spent averting potential disaster. Makeup does not take that long at all, neither does bathing or dressing.

 

[Sunbreak]

Chayla I don’t think it’s a sin for you not to listen to the priest regarding makeup. I think it’s just a suggestion to cut down on time. However, it seems that your problem with being late is far beyond what’s ordinary. I would agree with others who suggest getting a medical evaluation for this. Short term memory or attention span or other issues could create problems getting things done. As I get older, I often put sticky notes on the mirror or the door to remember to do things before I leave the house, and there always seems to be one more thing to do before I leave the house which extends the time I leave. But it’s still not a problem to the level you describe. Maybe you could make a list of the tasks you have to do every morning and only do those things and nothing else. Focus on one thing at a time. Use a timer if you have to. Prepare as much as possible the evening before - clothes can be chosen and laid out ready to put on. Coffee can be in a pot ready to be made. I use a french press coffee maker so I can pour water heated in the microwave into it - that way there is no coffee pot to unplug and no worry about the stove being on. My watch is always set 10 minutes ahead of time. So, there are things you could do that may help you with this.