K
kurtmasur
Guest
(**This thread reminds me of a daily skit we have on a particular comedy show on the Spanish language tv channel, Univision. The skit almost always takes place in a confessional and features Chabela (a widowed middle-aged lady) and the priest, Father Amaro. During confession Chabela usually provides more details than necessary, much to the priest’s annoyance. I must add that Chabela is so extremely devout that the boundary between what is “sin” and “not a sin” has become blurred to her. I have taken one of their skits and translated it into English. As you read this, remember that this stuff actually comes out on TV. Enjoy. **)
(Father Amaro initiates the Rite of Confession)
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhh! Ohhhhh Father! My soul is being tormented with heavy agonizing pain! :’( I have fallen into the traps of the Evil One… ahhhhhhh (more sobbing).
Father: What’s wrong Chabela? Why are you crying like that? Calm down, and speak to me clearly.
Chabela: Ohhhhh Father, I have commited the worst of all mortal sins! The other day I was walking home from church when I bumped into Mr. Smith, my elderly widowed neighbor.
Father: Mr. Smith??? Oh I know who he is. He is very active in the parish and helps with preparing the children for their First Communion each year. Very devout Christian.
Chabela: Oh Father, you obviously don’t know him well. He is a demon disguised as an innocent sheep.
Father: Huh? Why do you say that?
Chabela: You see Father, as I was walking home the other day, I bumped into him. I said “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith”, and he just stared at me… he gave me this mischievous smile and said: “Chabela, look what I have down here to show you… Do you think you could rub it a little bit for me? This is something that only a woman can do for me, and nobody else. And as you know, my wife passed away years ago. And since you too are a widow, Chabela, I know you haven’t seen one of these in ages. Could you please touch it and give it a little rub for me?”
Father: (shocked) What???!!! He showed you what, Chabela?
Chabela: That thing which men proudly hang between their legs, Father
Father: (making the sign of the cross) Oh Lord! But as a good, God-fearing Christian, you didn’t look nor touch…right, Chabela???
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhh!!! Father, I feel so bad! He had it out already
What else could I do? Ahhhhhh!!! (more sobbing)
Father: So you did it! Shame on you!!!
Chabela: I didn’t want to, Father… but, Oh Father, it looked just like new, very shiny…oh and very long… I couldn’t resist the temptation, Father! Ahhhhhhhh! (sobbing)
Father: (Father hits her on the head with a book) Shame on you!!! And worse, do you really have to go into so much detail??? Why should I care to know how long or “new”-looking Mr. Smith has it??? Shame on you, sinner!!!
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhhh!
Father: And then??? What else???
Chabela: So I gently took it into my hands and stroked it gently for him in amazement…I felt so delighted, Father! You see, I hadn’t seen one in ages since my husband passed away. And poor Mr. Smith was so desperate for a lady to finally make it more shiny after so many years. Anyways, as I held it in my hands I could feel how it pulsed with joy as the seconds went by…
Father: (more angry this time, hits her with the book again on her head) Shame on you!!! I told you not to go into so much detail, you lost sheep!!!
(5 second silence)
And then??? What else???
Chabela: I told him, "Look I cannot rub it right here nor right now. I’ll do it later at my place, ok? And he just said, ‘Ok!’
And just to make sure that you know exactly what my sin is, Father, I decided to bring Mr. Smith’s thing here to the confessional to show it you.
Father: What??? You want to show me what???
Chabela: (taking out something from her purse) I want to show you Mr. Smith’s luxurious gold pocketwatch with its long chain, Father! Look, here it is! The poor soul kindly asked me to rub it clean for him, since he isn’t very good at cleaning it well and he knew he could count on me, Father…
Father: Wait a minute… All this time you’ve been talking about a LUXURIOUS, GOLD POCKETWATCH!!! (Father very irritated)
Chabela: Why…yes, Father! Of course! What did you think I was talking about???
Father: (feeling agonized and looking up at heaven) Oh, nothing, dear Chabela, nothing… Look, cleaning a gold, luxurious pocketwatch for somebody else is NOT a sin, dear Chabela! On the contrary, it’s a wonderful act of charity that you are doing for your neighbor, dear Chabela. Of course this is not a sin at all.
Chabela: (big sigh of relief) It’s not???!!! Ohhhhhh Father!!! You are such an angel! You are an illumination in my path! What would I do without you? Thank you Father, thank you! (kisses his hand many times while sobbing of joy and relief)
Father: Hey! Watch it with my hand, you’re leaving it all wet with germs! (as Chabela also had a runny nose from so much crying). Go now! Please go! I have so much work to do here! (Chabela leaves)
(Father alone says to himself) Oh, Lord Jesus, what did I do to deserve such punishment? Why, Lord? Why did you choose me? You could have made a garbage collector out of me and I would have been just fine doing that. Ahhhhhh! (now Father is sobbing)
(end of skit)
(Father Amaro initiates the Rite of Confession)
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhh! Ohhhhh Father! My soul is being tormented with heavy agonizing pain! :’( I have fallen into the traps of the Evil One… ahhhhhhh (more sobbing).
Father: What’s wrong Chabela? Why are you crying like that? Calm down, and speak to me clearly.
Chabela: Ohhhhh Father, I have commited the worst of all mortal sins! The other day I was walking home from church when I bumped into Mr. Smith, my elderly widowed neighbor.
Father: Mr. Smith??? Oh I know who he is. He is very active in the parish and helps with preparing the children for their First Communion each year. Very devout Christian.
Chabela: Oh Father, you obviously don’t know him well. He is a demon disguised as an innocent sheep.
Father: Huh? Why do you say that?
Chabela: You see Father, as I was walking home the other day, I bumped into him. I said “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith”, and he just stared at me… he gave me this mischievous smile and said: “Chabela, look what I have down here to show you… Do you think you could rub it a little bit for me? This is something that only a woman can do for me, and nobody else. And as you know, my wife passed away years ago. And since you too are a widow, Chabela, I know you haven’t seen one of these in ages. Could you please touch it and give it a little rub for me?”
Father: (shocked) What???!!! He showed you what, Chabela?
Chabela: That thing which men proudly hang between their legs, Father
Father: (making the sign of the cross) Oh Lord! But as a good, God-fearing Christian, you didn’t look nor touch…right, Chabela???
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhh!!! Father, I feel so bad! He had it out already
What else could I do? Ahhhhhh!!! (more sobbing)Father: So you did it! Shame on you!!!
Chabela: I didn’t want to, Father… but, Oh Father, it looked just like new, very shiny…oh and very long… I couldn’t resist the temptation, Father! Ahhhhhhhh! (sobbing)
Father: (Father hits her on the head with a book) Shame on you!!! And worse, do you really have to go into so much detail??? Why should I care to know how long or “new”-looking Mr. Smith has it??? Shame on you, sinner!!!
Chabela: (sobbing) Ahhhhhhh!
Father: And then??? What else???
Chabela: So I gently took it into my hands and stroked it gently for him in amazement…I felt so delighted, Father! You see, I hadn’t seen one in ages since my husband passed away. And poor Mr. Smith was so desperate for a lady to finally make it more shiny after so many years. Anyways, as I held it in my hands I could feel how it pulsed with joy as the seconds went by…
Father: (more angry this time, hits her with the book again on her head) Shame on you!!! I told you not to go into so much detail, you lost sheep!!!
(5 second silence)
And then??? What else???
Chabela: I told him, "Look I cannot rub it right here nor right now. I’ll do it later at my place, ok? And he just said, ‘Ok!’
And just to make sure that you know exactly what my sin is, Father, I decided to bring Mr. Smith’s thing here to the confessional to show it you.
Father: What??? You want to show me what???
Chabela: (taking out something from her purse) I want to show you Mr. Smith’s luxurious gold pocketwatch with its long chain, Father! Look, here it is! The poor soul kindly asked me to rub it clean for him, since he isn’t very good at cleaning it well and he knew he could count on me, Father…
Father: Wait a minute… All this time you’ve been talking about a LUXURIOUS, GOLD POCKETWATCH!!! (Father very irritated)
Chabela: Why…yes, Father! Of course! What did you think I was talking about???
Father: (feeling agonized and looking up at heaven) Oh, nothing, dear Chabela, nothing… Look, cleaning a gold, luxurious pocketwatch for somebody else is NOT a sin, dear Chabela! On the contrary, it’s a wonderful act of charity that you are doing for your neighbor, dear Chabela. Of course this is not a sin at all.
Chabela: (big sigh of relief) It’s not???!!! Ohhhhhh Father!!! You are such an angel! You are an illumination in my path! What would I do without you? Thank you Father, thank you! (kisses his hand many times while sobbing of joy and relief)
Father: Hey! Watch it with my hand, you’re leaving it all wet with germs! (as Chabela also had a runny nose from so much crying). Go now! Please go! I have so much work to do here! (Chabela leaves)
(Father alone says to himself) Oh, Lord Jesus, what did I do to deserve such punishment? Why, Lord? Why did you choose me? You could have made a garbage collector out of me and I would have been just fine doing that. Ahhhhhh! (now Father is sobbing)
(end of skit)