Confession: I'm a bit traumatized

[iwillrisenow]

I recently had a negative experience at the Sacrament of Reconciliation and have been hesitant to go back ever since. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’m trying to figure out how I can better approach the Sacrament. The issue seems to be with figuring out how often I should be going to confession and with what kinds of matters. Right now there is one thing that I am thinking about, but I am not even sure if it falls under mortal sin (the responses on these boards are split and those examination of conscience lists are very, very vague on the matter), so I’d hate to go into the confessional with only that one thing…especially having been through what I went through before.

I just wonder if, in practice, most Catholics go less often and with “heavier” matters. I wonder if I’ve been approaching it the wrong way with “that thing happened, so I better go,” and receiving almost every Sunday rather than “waiting it out” and not receiving for a few weeks for a more…in depth (?) confession looking at my spiritual life more holistically once a month or every couple of months. I’m still very new to this, so I’m not sure how it works in practice.

I’m thinking at the very least, I may need to start throwing in that I’ve only been in the Church for a year so the priest doesn’t assume I’ve been doing this all of my life!

 

[Nelka]

I have been before where I only said one thing.

Go and confess your sins.
You will feel so much better afterwards.

 

[iwillrisenow]

That’s the thing…the time that the negative experience happened, I only said one thing and the priest went off on me, saying that I didn’t love God among other terrible things…the thing I mentioned was not so much an incident or action as a kind of life-long struggle and a very typically human one at that (see: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=553281). The only thing I can think of is that I had been a week before, which is unusually close to what I usually do, but I had prayed on this thing and came to the conclusion that it was high time to confess it.

Now I’m not so sure if I should be bringing any little thing that comes up into the confessional, or if I should go less often for a more in depth experience. Sometimes examination only brings up one or two things, and maybe the assumption is that the examination wasn’t thorough enough.

 

[jmcrae]

That’s the thing…the time that the negative experience happened, I only said one thing and the priest went off on me, saying that I didn’t love God among other terrible things…the thing I mentioned was not so much an incident or action as a kind of life-long struggle and a very typically human one at that (see: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=553281). The only thing I can think of is that I had been a week before, which is unusually close to what I usually do, but I had prayed on this thing and came to the conclusion that it was high time to confess it.

Now I’m not so sure if I should be bringing any little thing that comes up into the confessional, or if I should go less often for a more in depth experience. Sometimes examination only brings up one or two things, and maybe the assumption is that the examination wasn’t thorough enough.

The priest was obviously having a bad day, number one. He should not have “gone off” on you, no matter what. But priests have bad days just like the rest of us, and sometimes we just have to take it as part of our penance. Fortunately this sort of thing isn’t very common.

Secondly, when we go to Confession, we are to confess our actual sins and omissions (whether venial or mortal) - not our feelings.

Feelings are not sins. Feelings tell us what’s going on around us, and tell us about our situation. They are morally neutral. I am sad, it means something bad happened, or something good didn’t happen. I can mope around and make everyone around me miserable, or else I can take steps to improve my situation, to make something good happen for myself.

I am anxious or afraid, it means there is something I don’t know how to deal with. I can make myself miserable, I can lie and try to get out of my difficult situation, or else I can ask for help and learn appropriate coping skills.

I am jealous; it means I feel like everyone else gets to have nice things and I am left out. I have a choice; I can count my blessings and realize that I am not really being left out, but I just receive different blessings than other people, or else I can mope around and make everyone miserable until I get what I want.

I am angry; it means that I have perceived an injustice. I can react by correcting the injustice, or I can stomp around and frighten everyone with my temper tantrum.

How we deal with our feelings and what we do in response can be sins, or can be virtues - it’s up to us. When we sin in response to our feelings, we confess our sins, but we don’t dwell on our feelings too much. Remember, the Confessional is not therapy.

 

[iwillrisenow]

Thank you, jmcrae, for the honest reply. I really did not mean to use it as therapy and that was the first time I went in there with anything of that sort, it’s usually more about actions and omissions. I sincerely had no idea that it wasn’t appropriate to talk about something like that. There are still some things that confuse me on the action/feeling line (e.g.- lustful “thoughts”-- how do you determine exactly what you control and what you don’t) and I can’t say it’s been the easiest part of the Faith to get used to, but I understand why we do it. I just need to get a better understanding of when and how to go.

Yeah…definitely going to use my newbie disclaimer from now on

 

[Kelley_Green]

How we deal with our feelings and what we do in response can be sins, or can be virtues - it’s up to us. When we sin in response to our feelings, we confess our sins, but we don’t dwell on our feelings too much. Remember, the Confessional is not therapy.

Very well said. I’d like to add just this little bit more. Each sin represented a choice to make, and confessing that sin is a conscious acknowledgment of having stepped off path and a desire to return to the path.

I’ve put myself in the habit of not only contemplating the sin, but revisiting the choices I ignored to realize the better choice. In a way, to not come ‘empty handed’ to the confessional. Not just the sins in my hand dumped in a trash receptacle with nary a thought about it, but the arriving too with the personal homework I’ve done. The other solutions I might pursue if confronted with the same moral dilemma tomorrow. Any homework I’ve missed can be pointed out in confession, but making the effort before you arrive goes a long long way in lessons.

 

[IrishRush]

During one confession with my priest I was despairing of the fact that, despite my best intentions I kept repeating a particular sin. One thing Father said that really struck a note with me was that because my intention was to not repeat the sin, I was on the right track. And of course I needed to persevere and keep praying & working at it. But he also said that God, Who knows us best, doesn’t expect us to be perfect but more He expects us to WANT to be that way, and to TRY to be that way, for Him. If that makes sense to you - I paraphrased what he actually said.
My mom used to say good intentions pave the road to hell, but I think they can also pave the road to salvation. So each time I go to confession I try to make a good and thorough examination of my conscience, ask God to give me the heart and words I need to make a good confession and go in with all of my good intentions. Not to mention contrition… That goes without saying for any Catholic I think. So when you go, don’t confess just mortal sins, confess all of it. And I don’t think you need to wait for a mortal sin either - when the weight of your venial sins begins to wear you down, take it to Jesus. Accept his forgiveness and try again. According to my priest, God appreciates the effort.

 

[Monica4316]

Please don’t be discouraged to go to Confession :hug1:

I don’t know why you got this response, - I’ve said much worse things and my priest was patient/understanding with it. But maybe the priest was just having a bad day, or maybe God wants you to accept what he said as a humiliation, or maybe he said this to help you repent even deeper for the sin in any case, don’t be discouraged and remember God’s mercy in Confession

God bless!