Confession in secret and missing Mass

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rweidn

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I attend confession probably about once in every 8 weeks but none of my family even know that I go. My reasons for not telling them is that they are all cultural Catholics who do not follow the faith and I obviously want them to return but feel that if I am seen to be too fanatical it may drive them further away. I have the same issue with Mass where we have family activities that conflict with Mass, so I don’t go each week but I ensure that every two weeks I press it and insist on going. It’s like playing a balancing act, which I am not fond of.

Is my confession to a Priest still valid if my nearest and dearest don’t know I go. It feels like deception in a way.

And should I insist on attending Mass each week. My priest once told me that it is better to be seen as committed and not lukewarm, I am not sure whether this translates to following all obligations. It feels like a difficult situation.
 
Your frequency of confession - or that you confess at all - is no one’s business. Absolutely zero bearing on the Sacraments whether anyone knows about it or not.
 
I while back I went to confession and one of the things I had to confess was that I lied to my wife about where I was, I told her I was doing something else when I was actually going to confession.

After a little laugh the priest told me it’s no big deal, confession involves just me, the priest and God, so don’t worry about it, my wife doesn’t have a right to know when i go to confession (or basically that, it’s not a quote).

I wouldn’t worry about it, however what I would say is receiving the sacraments should never be seen as fanatical. Did you know that Pope St John Paul II went to confession every week. Do you think he was fanatical? Do you think he cared if everyone else in the world thought he was fanatical?

I think the opposite will be true, some may find you fanatical but I’m willing to bet that some will be brought closer to God because of your example.

I’d also recommend picking up a book called “7 Secrets of Confession” author is Vinny Flynn, I’d say 95% of people’s idea of what confession actually does, entails and should be is wrong. This book, recommended by several priests, is an excellent and amazing read. I learned a lot!!!
 
You don’t need to tell your family you went to Confession.

However, I’m more concerned that you miss Mass because of “family activities”. Isn’t there more than one Mass in your area so you could select one that doesn’t conflict with your activity schedule?
 
We have an obligation to follow the Church’s precepts, not only for our own sake but also for that of others, especially those close to us. Maybe they will be inspired by your good example. If you have children under your roof, you have a particular obligation to see after their spiritual welfare. Soccer games and picnics do not excuse one from Mass on Sundays or Holy Days of Obligation, and missing it constitutes a mortal sin. Think about it, to encourage others in mortal sin is like handing them weapons to wreck themselves with. So what if they think you’re a fanatic. Don’t let others’ perception of you keep you away from God.
 
Yeah, I’m not one to throw the “sin” card around on here, but I was always taught that you could miss Mass on Sunday because of illness or because your travel plans prevented you from getting there (I now understand you have to ask for a dispensation for this), but missing it just because you felt like doing something else, like a family activity, was a sin.

I also got into a discussion about this with two other people in a confession line earlier this year, one of whom was from another culture, and she informed us that where she is from, if you miss a Sunday Mass for a reason other than illness, it’s considered a mortal sin and you need to go to confession before you can receive communion again. The other person was trying to argue that sometimes she just couldn’t get to Mass because she was “busy with the kids”. This conversation made me feel rather ashamed of all the Masses I missed back when I thought it was not that big of a deal. I make efforts not to miss my Sunday obligation now.
 
rweidn said:
I My reasons for not telling them is that they are all cultural Catholics who do not follow the faith and I obviously want them to return but feel that if I am seen to be too fanatical it may drive them further away. I have the same issue with Mass where we have family activities that conflict with Mass, so I don’t go each week but I ensure that every two weeks I press it and insist on going. It’s like playing a balancing act, which I am not fond of…

And should I insist on attending Mass each week. My priest once told me that it is better to be seen as committed and not lukewarm, I am not sure whether this translates to following all obligations. It feels like a difficult situation.
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Your family might well think you are fanatical. There are plenty of lukewarm Catholics who are extremely presumptuous. They have some amount of faith but think they can sin and miss Mass, and God will forgive them. Anything more than their faith, which they presume to be sufficient, is fanatical to such folks.

You should do all that you can to attend Mass regularly. You could offer to do whatever you can to make that possible. And you don’t need to frame it in terms of religious devotion. You could just say it makes you feel better to go each Sunday. Not that you want to hide your faith but with lukewarm parents that might be a better strategy.
USMC_Convert said:
I while back I went to confession and one of the things I had to confess was that I lied to my wife about where I was, I told her I was doing something else when I was actually going to confession.

After a little laugh the priest told me it’s no big deal, confession involves just me, the priest and God, so don’t worry about it, my wife doesn’t have a right to know when i go to confession (or basically that, it’s not a quote).
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I’ve gone to confession before and told my wife I had to run an errand. That was true but not specific. It really is between us, the priest, and God.
 
Ad_Orientem said:
We have an obligation to follow the Church’s precepts, not only for our own sake but also for that of others, especially those close to us. Maybe they will be inspired by your good example. If you have children under your roof, you have a particular obligation to see after their spiritual welfare. Soccer games and picnics do not excuse one from Mass on Sundays or Holy Days of Obligation, and missing it constitutes a mortal sin. Think about it, to encourage others in mortal sin is like handing them weapons to wreck themselves with. So what if they think you’re a fanatic. Don’t let others’ perception of you keep you away from God.
Click to expand...
there is plenty of time for picnics the rest of the day anyways.

yes OP, you need to go to mass every week, especially if you are an adult.

I know it’s hard, when I used to be involved in sports, my teammates would make fun of me for going, even during tournaments between or after our games. they would taunt me by saying “you don’t really have to go this week. God will forgive you, it’s not a big deal”

a few times I didn’t make it but that was because my rides ended up falling through or something along those lines. I did have every intention of going. eventually, you will stop caring what others think of you. you will realize that they are trying to bring you down and it’s not worth your time and energy worrying about it
 
Validity of confession is not contingent on anyone knowing you went to confession. It’s no one’s business or right to know.

Regarding missing mass, if you are a minor and your parents rebuff your suggestion or request to go to mass-- obey your parents. When you are older, you will be able to go to church weekly regardless of what they say.
 
I was wondering about this very thing also. I’ve had times where “errands” take longer than they normally should or I let a call that I would normally answer go to voicemail.

ChadS
 
Your family doesn’t have to know you’re going to confession. The disturbing thing is skipping Mass.

First of all, Jesus told his apostles, “He who hears you hears me, and he who rejects you rejects me, and he who rejects me rejects him who sent me” (Luke 10:16). Well, the successors of those apostles have said for centuries that to miss Sunday Mass is a mortal sin, unless excused for a good reason (family activities are not a good reason).

Please don’t take offense at what I’m about to say. I’m merely trying to drive home how serious a matter this is for you.

When you miss Mass for a feckless reason such as a family activity, you may as well be the soldier driving nails into sacred flesh, then standing at the foot of the cross insulting and spitting on our Savior. That is essentially what happens when we commit a mortal sin.

Stand up! Just as Servant of God John A. Hardon had predicted 30-40 years ago and Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke preaches now, the time is coming quickly, and may already be here, when you’ll have to choose between Jesus and your own life. If you can’t muster up the courage to avoid seriously offending Almighty God now with something so easily remedied, what will you do when faced with a real challenge?

I think this situation you find yourself in is either spiritual cowardice or lukewarmness. Cowardice is only defeated by prayer and drawing from the sacramental graces of your confirmation. Lukewarmness is a different game.

Jesus said, “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth” (Revelation 2:15-16). Some versions having him say “vomit” rather than “spew.” You see, lukewarmness is worse than cowardice. Cowardice is a human weakness, but lukewarmness is willful apathy.

Fix this situation… for your immortal soul.
 
To be honest, none of us here are in the best place to answer this question. Let your priest or spiritual advisor answer this and follow them out of holy obedience.
 
I believe confession is only between you and God. Don’t bring anyone else into it.
 
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