Confession: Is your priest "on your side?"

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I went to confession with a new priest (to me - definitely not newly ordained!) today, and I got this wonderful impression that he was really on my side. He was like a good honest defense lawyer (if that’s not a contradiction in terms 😉 ), questioning me to see if I really was guilty or if there were extenuating circumstances that might warrant an appeal or dismissal of the charges. When it was time for advice, there was no (even very subtle) blaming - only suggestions about what to do better next time. This is not to say he would not make certain you know what’s sinful and what’s not - he’s done that, too, very clearly.

I’ve been to priests who are not like this at all. In very subtle ways, they let you know that what you’ve done is really terrible and fully your fault. None of this is overt - no yelling or reprimanding, just a faint sense of disapproval. Even the friendliest, kindest priests are sometimes like this. “Yes, you’ve done something awful, so you must be very bad, but God is so good, you’re going to be forgiven anyway, so rejoice!” is the subtext.

The priest I had for many years, two confessors ago, was on my side like this, too. After a number of years, he no longer needed to ask me anything, but he was always unfailingly optimistic. It was always uplifting to go to him. And what the two had in common was being priests of Opus Dei.

What’s your experience? Is your priest on your side? Is he your advocate or is he a lenient prosecutor?

Betsy
 
The confessor is ALWAYS on your side, just as the physician is ALWAYS on your side.

Can you imagine the doctor being on the side of your sickness, or the priest on the side of your sins?

Having said that, some priests are just better at hearing confessions than others.
 
I’ve had some pretty decent confessors and I personally kind of like it when the priest is just straightforward, but in a kind way. A couple priests didn’t seem to listen at all to what I would be saying and when I’d finished they’d just say something like, “Say three Hail Mary’s and two Our Fathers…” then he’d absolve me from my sins and send me on my way. I like it when the priest talks to you. I don’t know… maybe it’s because I grew up during a time when everything seemed to be so sugarcoated and no blame was ever placed on our actions, that it’s just nice to receive some fatherly/motherly-sort of love and support where they can be tough yet kind at the same time.
 
Hi Betsy–

I think sometimes I want the priest to be “on my side” and sometimes not. I mean, sometimes I tend to being more scrupulous, and sometimes I tend to being more lax. So sometimes I need to hear more about the extenuation to prevent me being legalistic, and sometimes I need to hear more about the seriousness to help me to avoid those sins in the future. But I think the priest shoudn’t be like a lawyer, either prosecution or defense. Maybe more like an arbitrator. 😉
baltobetsy said:
“Yes, you’ve done something awful, so you must be very bad, but God is so good, you’re going to be forgiven anyway, so rejoice!” is the subtext.
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Well, if you take out “so you must be very bad” that subtext is completely true. Whether it is a truth it is useful to hear at Confession depends on whether you’re likely to be too hard on yourself or too easy on yourself, which by its nature is hard to judge. 🙂

So basically I just go to whomever is available.

–Jen
 
I always feel encouraged when I leave the confessional, so, yes. I like that he doesn’t try to minimize any of the things that I confess, and that if I need advice, he is always helpful. Very wise, very “fatherly”.

I went once to a priest for help with an issue outside of confession. I really wanted him to be “on my side” since it was a conflict with another person, but he did an amazing job of picking his way through the minefield. He showed me what I could have done differently, drawing on examples from his own life, and told me what to do to make it better. He neither condemned, nor exhonerated. I left his office with so much peace, but shaking my head at how he had managed to pull that off. Such wisdom!
 
Sarabande said:
I’ve had some pretty decent confessors and I personally kind of like it when the priest is just straightforward, but in a kind way. ** A couple priests didn’t seem to listen at all to what I would be saying and when I’d finished they’d just say something like, “Say three Hail Mary’s and two Our Fathers…” **then he’d absolve me from my sins and send me on my way. I like it when the priest talks to you. I don’t know… maybe it’s because I grew up during a time when everything seemed to be so sugarcoated and no blame was ever placed on our actions, that it’s just nice to receive some fatherly/motherly-sort of love and support where they can be tough yet kind at the same time.
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:rolleyes: My old parish priest was like that. It wasn’t because he didn’t care, he was just very old and tended to be very forgetful. Penance was always the same, “Pray for the world family” :confused:
And yes, i also love it when priests are straightforward but in a kindly way. 🙂 One priest whom I go to every time i go to this certain retreat is amazing! 😃 I wish he lived closer to me so that i could go to him every time! Usually when i go to f-2-f confession i can’t even look at the priest and squirm and wriggle in embarassment, but with Fr M J, it is just totally different. I mean, he looks right at me with such kindness and compassion in his eyes that it’s like WoW! I usually end up like this :crying: +:D + ❤️ It’s wonderful!👍
 
I’ve been to about 4 confessions in my short life as a Catholic. The first three were with my parish priest who always seems to be “on my side,” even this one time when I thought he got a bit sternish. He doesn’t go into full blown psychotherpay of course, but he does this perfect combination of questions and advice that’s neither too long nor too short and I’ve always left feeling pretty darn refreshed. Penances seemed appropriate. I have nothing to gauge it with since I’m so new.

On another note, when he was away I went to confession with another priest who had a tone of voice suggesting that he was very weary, and we saw eye to eye on nothing. It was a weird and awkward confession but you know what I really cared about? Absolution, friends and neighbors. That’s what matters.

Curious
 
I am very blessed to have access to not one, but three priests who are wonderful in this regard. One recent confession in particular, I had relapsed on a few behaviors I picked up from my wilder, younger days… ones that I thought were under control (and that’s the first reason why I relapsed, though some other stressors had caused me to become very weak). I was so scared of going face-to-face, but at that point I had no choice if I wanted to confess before both Divine Liturgy and Mass on Sunday (it was late Saturday night and it was with the Eastern Catholic priest). So, after I got those out, he just looked at me, concerned, “Ok, what’s REALLY going on?” He later explained that it was good that I had confessed those since they were, in fact, very sinful, but that most of the times sin is a symptom of much bigger and graver diseases of the soul, and that once those diseases were addressed, the majority of the time, the sins are not such an issue anymore (though vigilance is always needed to keep the diseases at bay).

I have to say, though, I’m very glad that one happened to be f-2-f (after all was said and done… not at first, though… I almost backed out several times:blush:). I was almost in tears (I don’t cry very easily, so almost in tears to me is like some other people bawling) by the time Fr. placed his epitrachelion on my head to pronounce absolution, and I joyfully received a hug from him afterwards.
 
My previous pastor was exactly like that but I have actually avoided confession, and have been unable to receive communion for 2 months, because of my new pastor’s attitude.

On the pulpit and in general he comes across as condescending, judgmental and egotistical - “I” have been chosen and sent by Bishop XXXX to this parish, because of “MY” abilities. (and yes that is a paraphrased quote) He seems especially hostile toward families - which is just so odd, those of us called to marriage and family are trying to raise the next generation of catholics.

In any case I just feel unwanted in church these days, which makes going in and laying my sins and faults down in front of this man very hard.
 
trayletha said:
My previous pastor was exactly like that but I have actually avoided confession, and have been unable to receive communion for 2 months, because of my new pastor’s attitude.

On the pulpit and in general he comes across as condescending, judgmental and egotistical - “I” have been chosen and sent by Bishop XXXX to this parish, because of “MY” abilities. (and yes that is a paraphrased quote) He seems especially hostile toward families - which is just so odd, those of us called to marriage and family are trying to raise the next generation of catholics.

In any case I just feel unwanted in church these days, which makes going in and laying my sins and faults down in front of this man very hard.
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Perhaps you should talk with him and try to get to know him better - express your concerns and give him a chance to defend himself (perhaps he doesn’t know how he’s coming off). If that isn’t possible or doesn’t work, perhaps you should write a letter to Bishop XXXX and let him know his ‘chosen one’ has a big head. In much more polite terms of course, just express your inability to connect with this pastor and so inability to receive the Sacraments from him. It is not at all a good situation if a person cannot feel connected to their pastor.
 
I connect with my confessor but as I met with him weekly for counseling he usually leaves the questions for when the subject comes up there. The advice has been great - he knows where to point me (usually a psalm) to get my mind on track.

I once went to confession when my priest was gone and a very elderly priest was filling in. He was ‘on my side’ but I think he just generalized because he’d heard it all a million times. He looked like he was nodding off and I was afraid I’d have to wake him up for absolution. I decided if the priest sleeps through your sins you don’t have to repeat them. 🤷
 
My priest is on my side. But he’s also trying to hear everyone’s confession before time runs out, and he has to go vest for Mass. It’s not a counseling session. If it were, there’d be a lot of penitents left in line.

On that note, I often wonder this: In many places people and priests complain that there are few people coming to confession.

But that could change. With good preaching and catechetics, it could certainly change. My parish usually does have lines for confession, both on weekdays and weekends, but they are not unmanageable. But if a good percentage of the parish started coming to confession weekly, biweekly, or even monthly, they would become less manageable.

If that increase in penitents–which is desirable–happens, will we start hearing complaints the the priests no longer have time for me? Maybe, but we have to keep in mind that the sacrament is for the forgiveness of sins, not for counseling, although that can be a side benefit.
 
trayletha said:
My previous pastor was exactly like that but I have actually avoided confession, and have been unable to receive communion for 2 months, because of my new pastor’s attitude.

On the pulpit and in general he comes across as condescending, judgmental and egotistical - “I” have been chosen and sent by Bishop XXXX to this parish, because of “MY” abilities. (and yes that is a paraphrased quote) He seems especially hostile toward families - which is just so odd, those of us called to marriage and family are trying to raise the next generation of catholics.

In any case I just feel unwanted in church these days, which makes going in and laying my sins and faults down in front of this man very hard.
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Sometimes a priest who is a “lion” in the pulpit is a “lamb” in the confessional. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And even if the confession is uncomfortable, you will receive God’s forgiveness, and that is the important thing. Remember, you are confessing to Christ in the person of the priest, not to the priest himself.
 
revert_jen said:
Hi Betsy–

I think sometimes I want the priest to be “on my side” and sometimes not. I mean, sometimes I tend to being more scrupulous, and sometimes I tend to being more lax. So sometimes I need to hear more about the extenuation to prevent me being legalistic, and sometimes I need to hear more about the seriousness to help me to avoid those sins in the future. But I think the priest shoudn’t be like a lawyer, either prosecution or defense. Maybe more like an arbitrator. 😉

Well, if you take out “so you must be very bad” that subtext is completely true. Whether it is a truth it is useful to hear at Confession depends on whether you’re likely to be too hard on yourself or too easy on yourself, which by its nature is hard to judge. 🙂

So basically I just go to whomever is available.

–Jen
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhh,I just think so
 
PhilotheaZ said:
Remember, you are confessing to Christ in the person of the priest, not to the priest himself.
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I think this is the main issue, I like F2F and our current pastor doesn’t really seem to be able to…immerse (??I can’t think of the right word) himself within Christ. The pastors personality/persona always seems dominate - even during mass, I have started avoiding his masses (when I can).
 
baltobetsy said:
And what the two had in common was being priests of Opus Dei.

What’s your experience? Is your priest on your side? Is he your advocate or is he a lenient prosecutor?

Betsy
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Well, unfortunately the absolute worst confession of my life was with an Opus Dei priest! I almost walked out. He knew I was not OD. I think that was the difference. He talked down to me and was very condescending. It was very shocking and unnerving and I think quite abusive (considering I am a stoic kind of person). Not like Jesus at all. What’s worse was I wasn’t confessing a sin, just asking a quite simple question actually. Obviously, I hit a nerve and he took it out on me. I stood up to walk out, but fortunately stuck it out, mainly because I didn’t want to repeat the confession part.

My best ever confessional experience was with a Miles Christi priest. They do Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius retreats, which I was attending. I had never made a general confession before, walked in with a 2-1/2 page sheet of sins (including leaving the Church, apostasy & heresy), and nervously asked the priest how long I had because this wasn’t going to be pretty. I was kneeling next to him but not screened. He looked at me, smiled and very kindly said, “You have all the time in the world. That is why we are here.” All of a sudden, I felt a whoosh of relief, and left the confessional floating on air. It was the best confession of my life too, not just the interaction with the priest. Very few have been that way; perhaps it was the intensity of the moment.
 
trayletha said:
I think this is the main issue, I like F2F and our current pastor doesn’t really seem to be able to…immerse (??I can’t think of the right word) himself within Christ.
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Enflesh? Inflesh? (I’ve heard it spoken, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it spelled.) As in: A priest is supposed to enflesh Jesus to his flock?
 
baltobetsy said:
I went to confession with a new priest (to me - definitely not newly ordained!) today, and I got this wonderful impression that he was really on my side. He was like a good honest defense lawyer (if that’s not a contradiction in terms 😉 ), questioning me to see if I really was guilty or if there were extenuating circumstances that might warrant an appeal or dismissal of the charges. When it was time for advice, there was no (even very subtle) blaming - only suggestions about what to do better next time. This is not to say he would not make certain you know what’s sinful and what’s not - he’s done that, too, very clearly.

I’ve been to priests who are not like this at all. In very subtle ways, they let you know that what you’ve done is really terrible and fully your fault. None of this is overt - no yelling or reprimanding, just a faint sense of disapproval. Even the friendliest, kindest priests are sometimes like this. “Yes, you’ve done something awful, so you must be very bad, but God is so good, you’re going to be forgiven anyway, so rejoice!” is the subtext.

The priest I had for many years, two confessors ago, was on my side like this, too. After a number of years, he no longer needed to ask me anything, but he was always unfailingly optimistic. It was always uplifting to go to him. And what the two had in common was being priests of Opus Dei.

What’s your experience? Is your priest on your side? Is he your advocate or is he a lenient prosecutor?

Betsy
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I find this interesting…the name “Paraclete” for the Holy Spirit means “Advocate”, in the sense of a defense lawyer.

The prosecutor side…well, you do have to admit what you’re guilty of, and not make excuses. The truth is your summons. Even the best defense lawyer can’t help you if you fail to appear in court!! :rolleyes:
 
I agree that the priest is always on your side - but it is easier to see sometimes more than others. Take one time I went to confession - the priest ended the confession telling me that I had a lot to work on (as opposed to “your sins have been forgiven”). Not exactly what I wanted to here, but probably what I needed to here.
 
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